Lithuanian Nights Ring With New Breed of Kale Singer

VILNIUS, Lithuania.  By day, Ksiusha Milda is a housewife with a one year-old daughter who shares her mother’s dark brown eyes.  By night, she is something completely different; a blues singer of sorts, a practitioner of this country’s traditional folk song, kale.

Ksiusha Milda

“It is my release,” she says as she wraps a brightly-colored platok, or scarf, around her head.  “I need something to take me away from the diapers and my lazy husband.”

“I deeply regret I accepted your proposal–You are such a klutz you can’t fix my disposal!”

And so Ksiusha comes to a basement nightclub on the edge of the downtown area here to sing the kale, traditional plaints of Lithuanian women about life’s hardships and their troubles with men.

Kale singer getting in the mood.

“The term ‘kale’ literally means ‘bitch’” says Kantatas Jonas, a professor of ethnomusicology at the University of Vilnius who says the genre’s fans expect nothing less than a full-bore attack on the man in a singer’s life.  “The audience knows what they want and they’ll let a performer know if she doesn’t deliver it,” Jonas says.  ”A singer can be booed off the stage if she pulls her punches, or if a guy’s so drunk he thinks he’s in a sports bar trying to watch Darius Songaila,” a Lithuanian who plays for the NBA’s Washington Wizards.

“You are such a schmuck for buying a truck, we need an SUV for our growing fam-i-ly.”

Sales of kale records peaked in the 1950’s, when Zemaite, the “Queen of Kale”, created what came to be known as the “Jo-Town Sound” after Jonava, the city of her birth.  “Everybody was dancin’ in the streets back in the day,” says Zilvytis Barnardas, a 60-year old who fondly recalls the abuse he took from his girlfriend Rasa.  “She would sing ‘You are so bad at fondling my breasts, I might as well study for my chemistry test.’”

Rasa:  “You are so clumsy at kissing, I find new boy to show what I am missing!” 

Today’s kale artists say they draw on that tradition, but they also want to make their own mark in the country’s musical history books.  “I am a part of that past, but I must sing of my own life,”  says Ksiusha Milda before launching into the opening bars of ‘I’d Rather Drive a Tractor on Several Farms (Than Be Stuck in Our Apartment Staring At Your Hairy Arms)”, a track that has a pounding back beat and catchy lyrics that the crowd echoes with each chorus.  “It is not enough that I suffer,” she explains between sets.  “It is also necessary that I complain where others can hear me.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

PBS Tries “Dumbing Down” Content During Pledge Drives

BOSTON.  It’s spring, which can only mean one thing for viewers of WGBH, the local public television outlet here; an interminable pledge drive designed to close the station’s budget deficit.

“For a pledge of $100 you get this guitar, or for $250 you can choose from a wide selection of Caucasian children.” 

“It drives me crazy,” says longtime PBS supporter Eleanor Wylie of Cambridge.  “They chase away more money than they attract during long stretches when viewers see nothing but phone banks staffed by volunteers, many of them scratching themselves in inappropriate places.”

“No, we don’t have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can.”

So WGBH station manager Henry Beaton is trying a new approach this spring.  “Instead of narrow-casting at old WASPs with scads of money that they want to preserve for future generations, we’re going after the great unwashed masses who like to have fun,” he says.

‘GBH Director of Development:  “Before we accept your money, I need to know whether you inherited it or dirtied your hands working for it.”

Beaton has developed a line-up of programs he thinks will attract new viewers, and more money to the station than the tried-and-true but tired come-ons of the past; tote bags and golf umbrellas bearing the station’s logo.

‘GBH staffers:  “Our job is to keep it boring.”

First on his list is a variation on the “Girls Gone Wild” programs developed by Snoop Dog, the corn-rowed rapper whose real name is Calvin Broadus.  “Snoop isn’t your typical PBS entertainer, but he’s come up with a remarkably vibrant concept that has caused a lot of embarrassment for coeds at some of the less prestigious institutions of higher learning,” Beaton says.  The “mash” of GGW that he proposes?

Catherine MacKinnon:  “I don’t usually go to Florida for spring break, but if it will help Channel 2, I suppose I can make an exception.”

“Feminist Professors Gone Wild!” he says with a mischievous grin.  “We’ve got Catherine MacKinnon on a balcony at a Motel 6 in Fort Lauderdale, waving her copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s ‘The Second Sex’ above her head.  It’s quite erotic in a way,” Beaton notes as he watches a pilot on the station’s monitors.

“Who wants to look at my annotated edition of Sylvia Plath’s poems?”

Public television viewership has declined in recent years due to competition from cable television, the internet and professional wrestling, but Beaton thinks he can lure a younger, hipper audience back to Channel 2 to attract the sort of tasteful sponsorship announcements that pay the bills. 

 “32 Masterpiece Theatre right–hut one, hut two!”

“When the Pew Charitable Trust asks me what kind of demographic we can deliver to them, all I need to say is two words–’Arena Football’–and their eyes light up,” Beaton says. 

Nina Totenberg:  “Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took an aggresive approach during oral argument, flashing a David Yerman necklace and showing little patience for the Solicitor General’s recitation of a bunch of boring legal stuff.”

The innovative programming lineup has brought PBS a new group of critics who say it has sold out its original mission of providing highbrow entertainment that commercial networks won’t touch because of it lacks commercial appeal.  “It all started with The Eagles Unplugged,” says Marvin Kalb, Lecturer in Public Policy and Senior Fellow at the Joan Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics and Public Policy and Say as Long as You’re Up Would You Mind Getting Me a Beer? at Harvard University.  “You don’t switch to PBS to watch burned-out rockers from the ’70’s–that’s what VH1 is for.”

The Eagles:  Low-brow stuff for highbrows.

“That really hurts,” says Elaine Frick, manager of WETA TV in Washington, D.C.  “We’re used to brushing off stupid red-state Congressmen who want to know where the Teletubbies keep their genitals, but not Harvard faculty.  A guy like Kalb will want a Three Tenors DVD, or maybe even a Tickle Me Elmo.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Lawyers Group Says Lap-Dancing by Judges May be Inappropriate

MIAMI, Florida.  The American Bar Association, the legal profession’s largest membership organization, is considering an updated code of conduct for judges under which lap-dancing would be considered improper under most circumstances.

 

The Supreme Court model:  Lap dancer not included.

“I wouldn’t say the problem is widespread, but it’s something we need to address,” said ABA President-Elect Norman Waterman, a real estate lawyer from Cleveland.  “We ought to have a bright-line test so that a judge will know when to tell a woman to get off his lap.”

 

“I’m going to keep typing and pretend I didn’t hear the old goat.”

Women’s groups have pushed for the change, saying judges too often abuse their position of power to intimidate court stenographers, witnesses or lawyers appearing before them.  “When a judge asks you to sit on his lap, you do what’s in your client’s best interests,” said Naomi Hecht, a probate litigator from Cape Girardeau, Missouri.

“Your honor, with all due respect, I wouldn’t sit on your lap for double my hourly rate.”

As is typical of the legal profession, a dissenting group of lawyers says it intends to issue a minority report if the ABA comes out against judicial lap-dancing.  “It could undermine the independence of the judiciary,” says criminal defense attorney James McGann.  “Say a judge needs to question a potential female juror during voir dire,” a French term meaning “I see you have nice hooters.”  “If he politely asks her ‘Why don’t you sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up?’ he shouldn’t be penalized.”

  

 “Counselor, I’d like to see you in my chambers–dressed as a naughty meter maid!”

Approximately 70 state court judges have been disciplined for sexual harassment since 1990, and adherence to ABA guidelines would not insulate a jurist from civil liability.  “I advise judges that they should not give vibrators to their female court clerks,” says Monroe Morton, a legal ethics specialist at New York University Law School.  “If the woman refuses it, most of the time you can only get store credit even with the receipt.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Airlines Fear “Dead Granny” Upgrades May Hurt Bottom Line

LONDON.  News that British Airways had upgraded a dead passenger and her daughter to first-class seats on an international flight caused bond rating agencies to downgrade the credit standing of several major airlines today on fears that bargain-hunting consumers would use the new policy to obtain cheaper fares.

“You haven’t touched your meal, grandma!”

“A majority of airlines are in bankruptcy anyway, and the rest are on the verge,” said industry analyst Roger Hill of Aviation Today.  “Once people hear about this scam everyone will have to take the bus.”

Greyhound Bus:  Not recommended for trans-Atlantic trips.

The incident occurred after an elderly woman seated in the economy section of a flight from Delhi to London died.   After her corpse slipped on the plane’s floor despite attempts to wedge it in its seat with extra pillows, the flight crew decided to offer the woman’s daughter a free upgrade to first class.

“You sure you wouldn’t like a complimentary beverage?  They’re free.”

“It was really nice,” according to Shelly Sanford, the deceased woman’s daughter.  “I had no idea you got steamed towels and a complimentary copy of USA Today.”

“Our in-flight movie today is ‘Flight of the Living Dead’.”

Stewardesses polled passengers to ask if anyone was willing to sit next to the dead woman, and when no one offered to do so, she was seated next to Thomas Paulsen, an engineer for a British hydropower firm who was asleep at the time.  “He nodded when we offered him an extra bag of peanuts,” said stewardess Phyllis Long, ”so I don’t think he has any right to complain.”

“Buh-bye!”

Airline creditors are concerned that sophisticated travelers will buy economy tickets for deceased relatives, insist on upgrades when the plane is airborne and then seek a bereavement discount once the flight lands.  “Consumers are crafty,” said Federal Airways CEO Hal Downey.  “They’re always asking for pillows, or meals, or bathrooms.”

To protect against liability, stewardesses have been instructed to add new material to their customary pre-flight instructions.  “If you are already deceased and cannot operate the emergency exit doors,” the safety card of one major airline has been revised to read, “we would appreciate cash for any alcoholic beverages you may purchase during our in-flight beverage service.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Mission of Mercy Brings Vowels to Kyrgyzstan

BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan.  As a C-40A  military transport plane touched down on the runway at Bishkek International Airport here today, tears streamed down Askr Bakyv’s weather-beaten cheeks.  “Me–I am too old for help now,” he says.  “But perhaps it is not too late for them,” he continues as he takes in his son and two daughters with a wave of his hand.  “They are the future.”

 

The precious cargo arrives.

Kyrgyzstan, a land-locked country in Central Asia, has survived since 201 B.C. on an orthographic diet based largely on the vowel “y”, the least nutritious form of this common speech sound.  “It was fine for my father, and his father before him,” Bakyv says.  “In today’s world, it is not enough.”

The Bakyv children:  “Daddy, Gyzk ate all the y’s!”

The plight of Bakyv and other Kyrgyzstanians like him is beginning to attract the sympathies of western hearts through the efforts of rising Hollywood starlet Victoria Caine, who has made three trips into this mountainous terrain since 2002 and has filed papers to adopt a Kyrgyzstanian orphan, Klyzk, an adorable two year-old boy.  “We are so fortunate in America,” Caine says in a voice tinged with both sadness and anger.  “We have vowels we don’t even use.  Whenever I hear someone say ‘I shouldn’t have a second piece of cake’ I tell them ‘That silent ‘o’ you just threw away can make a little boy or girl in Kyrgyzstan very happy.”

Victoria Caine: She’s made the Kyrgyzstans’ plight her own.

Kyrgyzstan declared its independence from the Soviet Union in August of 1991, and by December of that year it was free of seven decades of Russian rule.  “Eveything happened so quickly,” says Kurmnbk Kznetsov, a reporter for the Bishkek Daily Glz at the time.  “The Russians were just sitting there with an ‘o’, an ‘i’ an ‘e’ and even a ‘u’ in the words ‘Soviet Union’.  God what we could do with those letters today.”

Kyrgyz Republic

Kyrgyzstans are a hardy people who must endure extreme temperatures and winds off the steppes that reach over a hundred miles an hour, forcing families to secure what few vowels they have against the elements.  “I tell Gyzk–he’s my oldest–’Get your a’s in the tent, the wolf is coming,” Bakyv says, lapsing into the figurative speech that characterizes his nation’s rgyszs, a six-line poetic form that resembles the Japanese haiku.

Kok Boru All-Star Game

The Kyrgyzstans are a nation of horsemen, as their native pastimes amply demonstrate.  The national sport is Kok Boru, meaning “blue wolf”, a game in which two teams attempt to drive the headless carcass of a goat into their opponent’s goal.  Other popular sports include Tyiyn, picking a coin off the ground from horseback at full gallop, and Kkyrysh, riding a horse through the express lane of a yrgysh, or convenience store, with more than twelve items in one’s saddlebags.

“You are so generous to donate six vowels–we really appreciate it!”

Caine, the Hollywood actress, says she will make her support of the Kyrgyzstan people personal this year when she donates an “i” and an “a” to the cause in exchange for a “y” that was removed from an elderly Kyrgyzstan man who died in an avalanche.  “I really don’t need to be ‘Victoria’ like I’m some kind of queen or something,” she says with a self-effacing smile.  “I’m shortening my name to ‘Tory’.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Experts Say Britney’s Shaved Head a Sign of PMS

LOS ANGELES.  Mental health professionals say Britney Spears’ decision to shave off her hair in a Tarzana, California beauty salon Friday night represents an opportunity to educate the public about the perils of PMS, or “Post-Mouseketeer Syndrome.”

“At least I don’t have hair plugs.”

“What we are seeing is a total breakdown of former child stars who skipped and smiled their way to fame on the Disney Channel,” said Ellen Westford, a psychologist who counsels patients with the disability.  “Britney, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera–they all either expose themselves or foist disco-quality CD’s on an unsuspecting public.”

Lohan, playing beside herself in “The Parent Trap”: an early sign of schizophrenia.

Post-Mouseketeer Syndrome strikes one in 11,326,000 Americans, who are selected by a series of rigorous tryouts at Disney World in Orlando, Florida.  Victims of the disease are forced to perform before live audiences or appear in movies opposite motor vehicles, such as “Herbie: Fully Loaded”, which featured Lohan and a Volkswagen as the male lead.

Darlene Gillespie

The affliction first manifested itself in Darlene Gillespie, the goody-goody Mouseketeer of the ’60’s who has been arrested for shoplifting and spent time in a federal prison on fraud charges. 

 Justin Timberlake

Other notable sufferers include Justin Timberlake, a former Mouseketeer who was charged with impersonating a singer following the release of Future Sex/Love Sounds in 2006.

Big Bird:  “The pay is lousy, but there aren’t any mouse droppings at PBS!”

The cause of the disease is unknown, but public health specialists speculate that it is spread by contact with mouse droppings.  “You look at all those kids who’ve played with Big Bird on Sesame Street over the years–none of them got it,” says Dr. David Rubinstein of the State University of New York at Plattsburgh.  “Of course, all they got for their trouble was a lousy totebag and a Three Tenors DVD, so there’s a trade-off.” 

 Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

World on Edge as Swiss Invade Liechtenstein

ZURICH, Switzerland.  European diplomats worked through the night in an effort to prevent an accidental incursion by Swiss troops into neighboring Liechtenstein from touching off a regional conflict that could have international repercussions.

Swiss Army knife:  May hold balance of power

“If Switzerland is no longer neutral, you’ll see a lot of people who will stop ordering a ‘Ham and Swiss’,” predicted Ellen Mayerson, author of “Comfort Foods Around the World”.  “If they ask for ‘Ham and American Cheese’, you will see a fundamental realignment of lunch habits along geopolitical lines.”

Swiss soldier:  “I will die for the right to remain neutral!”

According to the Zurich newspaper Blick, 170 Swiss infantrymen wandered more than a mile across an unmarked border into Liechtenstein before realizing their mistake and turning back.  “When we got there the signs said ‘Legal Occupancy: 150′,” said Hans Zwingli, a corporal, ”so we knew we were in trouble.”

Liechtensteinian postage stamp, which extends into Switzerland.

Liechtenstein is a postage stamp-size country in central Europe whose principal export is postage stamps.  It was named after Roy Liechtenstein, an American pop artist who died in 1997.  Liechtenstein is known for a comic book style of painting that he transmuted into large-scale images that were in many cases larger than the country itself.

Image by, not of, Liechtenstein

Liechtenstein has no army and only a small police force, while Switzerland has an army but nothing to do with it since it has a long tradition of military neutrality.  “We’ve got these knives with every weapon but a nuclear warhead, and all we do is sit around trimming our nails with the scissors,” Zwingli, the infantryman, complained. 

Boutros Boutros-Ghali:  “Thanks–your name’s funny too!”

Former United Nations Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali speculated that the Swiss incursion was probably the result of sheer boredom.  “I’ve spent some time there, and it’s awful,” he said via email exchange.  “On weekends people put on their Swiss watches, pack some Swiss cheese, and go check out their secret Swiss bank accounts.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Sleep Study: Opera Has Benefits for Insomniacs

WEST LAFAYETTE, Indiana.  Steven Burns is a professor at Purdue University’s medical school who specializes in sleep disorders; his wife Maria is an opera buff who often orchestrates trips to cities where she can hear her favorite tenors and sopranos.  “You marry the woman, you marry the hobby,” Dr. Burns says, a little bleary-eyed after a long night at the Cincinnatti Opera listening to Madame Butterfly.

“Does this outfit make me look fat?”

Dr. Burns has recently found a side benefit to his nights at the opera that has brought him notoriety in his academic career, however.  “It struck me that some of the most peaceful hours of sleep I’ve ever experienced were at the opera,” he says.  “I tried that theory out on some of the patients in our longitudinal study of insomnia, and it has produced remarkable breakthroughs.”

“It’s not that I find you bo-ring, it’s just that someone in the front row is sno-ring!”

Take the case of Kevin Nix, a sports nut who often stays up until the wee hours of the morning watching NBA games on the west coast, then has trouble falling asleep.  “It was amazing,” says Nix of the short-term treatment Dr. Burns prescribed for him.  “I slipped the disc to Rigoletto into my DVD player, and within ten minutes I was snoring so loud I woke my wife up.”

“No, these are not my pa-JAM-as!”

Sleep pathologists say their data reveals effects, but not the causes behind the soporific effects of opera.  “One theory–and it’s just a theory–is that so many costumes worn by opera singers look like pajamas that you are lulled into a relaxed state of mind,” Burns says.  He refuses to draw any conclusions until he and his colleagues have examined a larger sample of subjects, however.  “The study isn’t over,” he notes, “until the fat lady sings.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

U of Chicago to Pick Next Econ Prof by Reality TV

CHICAGO.  The University of Chicago, known for its free-market approach to economics, today announced that it will select its next tenured faculty member in the “the dismal science” through a reality TV competition modelled on shows such as “Survivor” and VH1’s “The (White) Rapper Show”.

Department chair, sitting in chair. 

“We’re a competitive bunch,”  said department chair Philip Reny, “and we believe the best way to select a full-time professor is through a fair and open competition between budding free-marketeers before millions of viewers who were looking for ‘Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll’ and pressed the wrong number on their remote.”

Becker:  “I’m going to be a little late tomorrow–I’m having my Nobel medal polished at the jeweler.”

The department currently includes four Nobel laureates, a fact that could scare off the sort of starry-eyed hopefuls who line up to embarrass themselves on “American Idol”.  “You can’t swing a dead cat at a department meeting without hitting a Nobelite,” noted Steven Levitt, co-author of Freakonomics, a best-selling book that has been criticized for suggesting a link between low-cut jeans on teenage girls and fluctuations in pork belly prices.   ”We tried it several times–it wasn’t fair to the cat.”

Levitt:  “I’m thinking maybe George Clooney should play me in ‘Freakonomics:  The Movie’.”

The department has had an opening since the death of Milton Friedman, and other faculty members have recently complained of the increased burden they bear.  “We used to order three Giant Pu-Pu Platters from the Polynesian Garden on 55th Street, and with thirty-three full time faculty members everybody’s share was $18.50 including drinks and tips,” said Balazs Szentes, a young assistant professor.  “When you divide by thirty-two, you’re getting close to twenty bucks, which your Nobel types can afford but not young guys with families.”  Nobel Prize winners receive ten million Swedish kronas, worth about $1.4 million, plus a diploma, a grant of Swedish citizenship, and a boxed set of recordings by ABBA, the popular Swedish band.

Husserl:  Gesundheit.

The University of Chicago currently has a student population composed of 4,400 undergraduates,  9,000 professional and graduate students, and 17 guys who became confused reading Husserl as freshmen and live in the stacks of its main library.  The school’s motto, “Crescat scientia, vita excolatur”, is a Latin phrase that means “No credit card charges less than $10″.

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Boy Scouts Approve Female Anatomy Merit Badge

IRVING, Texas.  In a bid to improve its retention of teenaged boys, the Boy Scouts of American have approved a Female Anatomy merit badge that will be available beginning in the summer of this year.

“Mom–I’m going to go work on my merit badge.” 

“We face a tremendous drop-off in membership once boys reach puberty and discover girls,” said National Council President Leonard Akern.  “At some point tying knots loses its allure.”

“Guys–look, a double-bozac sheep’s head knot!”

As with all merit badges, the Female Anatomy award will represent the successful completion of a course of study plus participation in exercises designed to enhance boys’ skill and knowledge of the subject matter.  “Many of our adult leaders have neglected the techniques they used in adolescence, so we have recruited trained experts from singles bars around the country,” Akern said.  “It’s apparently something you can forget, unlike riding a bicycle.”

Showing a little leg.

Initial surveys from teenage girls indicate that the traditional Boy Scout uniform, which includes shorts and knee-length socks, is not the turn-off that Scouting leaders had anticipated.  “The Scouts’ paramilitary look is a classic,” according to Diane Furst of Women’s Wear Daily, a fashion industry trade paper.  “To paraphrase an old line, hang a Boy Scout uniform up where a woman can see and it will cop a feel all by itself.”

“Seriously–If you don’t kiss me I can’t go to camp next summer.”

The Boy Scouts of America promotes citizenship, physical fitness and heterosexuality, a principle for which it fought all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court and won in the case of Boy Scouts of America v. Dale.  “I view this merit badge as a symbol of our struggle, and we’re not going to make it easy on the kids,” says Akern.  The final examination for the badge requires Scouts to unhook a girl’s bra while lighting a fire behind her back using only dry tinder and flint.

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman