WASHINGTON, D.C. President Bush is meeting this weekend with world leaders to hammer out the details of an international union of pork-eating countries to serve as a counterweight to OPEC, the Organization of Petroleum-Exporting Countries, which effectively controls world oil prices.
Pork: The Other White Meat, and the Other Super Premium Fuel
Dubbed “UPEC” for Union of Pork-Eating Countries, signatory nations will include China, the U.S., Russia and the other principal European countries except for Turkey, which opted for a “virgin” club sandwich consisting of turkey, mayo, tomato and lettuce on white toast, hold the bacon.
Turkey club, hold the bacon.
The concept for an organization of pork-eating nations was first formulated during the presidency of George H.W. Bush, the president’s father, who subsisted on pork rinds during long stretches of his presidency, causing him to lose the vegan vote to Bill Clinton in the 1992 election.
Pork rinds
“Pork is not just the other white meat, it’s a clean, renewable source of energy,” said Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez in a statement also signed by Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman. “Contrary to popular misconception, pigs are very clean animals,” Bodman said to reporters assembled at a joint press conference, “although a hog lot will generally stink to high heaven–I could never figure that out.”
Gutierrez and Bodman: “For lunch, we’ll be having ham sandwiches.”
OPEC is composed primarily, although not exclusively, of Muslim nations whose citizens do not eat pork for religious reasons. Jewish citizens of Israel, which some OPEC members seek to destroy, are prohibited by Kosher dietary laws from consuming pork, although exceptions are made for scallops wrapped in bacon served at fancy-schmancy bar mitzvahs like we never had when I was your age, kid.
“Go ahead, nosh–we got an exception!”
The quest for a substitute for gasoline has stumbled down some blind alleys, including vegetable oil grease from deep fat fryers. A car fueled by a tofu derivative placed fifth in this year’s Daytona 500, a finish that driver Kyle Kelly, Jr. pronounced a qualified success. “I was happy with the prize money,” he said, “but all the girls who hit on us afterwards had hairy armpits.”
Vegetarian NASCAR fans: “You guys are so cool to use tofu-based fuel!”
The conversion to pork-based fuel will require a re-calculation of mileage standards for American automobiles. The current highway/city miles per gallon yardstick will be superceded by a “miles per ham” unit, with a goal of prodding US automakers to improve their fleet-wide “corporate average fuel economy” or “CAFE” ratings.
Toyota Prius: Hybrid runs on either fossil or porcine fuels.
In Green Ridge, Missouri, a farming community where most adult males and some dogs own heavy, low-mileage pickup trucks, the news was met with a level of approval unusual for a environmental directive from the federal government.
Scrapple: Like Wagner’s music, it’s not as bad as it sounds.
“I been eatin’ at Mel’s Cafe for as long as I can remember,” said Dewey Hyer, a fescue farmer, as he ate a forkful of scrapple–a meatloaf made from cornmeal, flour and hog offal. “Anything they can do to improve the Cafe rating in this town is okay with me.”
Copyright 2007, Con Chapman
