News item: NASA allowed astronauts to fly drunk. Associated Press
GROUND CONTROL: Shuttle Commander, this is Houston, do you read me?
Van Morrison
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: You, my-y, Brown Eyed Girl. Do you remember when . . .
GROUND CONTROL: Shuttle Commander–
CO-PILOT: The voices–why won’t the voices stop?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Oh, Christ–it’s Cape Canaveral. Hey guy–what’s going on?
GROUND CONTROL: You’re supposed to use official terms like “Roger” or “Copy”.
CO-PILOT: Who’s Roger?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: The guy who’s always eating out of the Tang jar.
CO-PILOT: Gross.
GROUND CONTROL: We were recording some erratic flight movements so I thought I’d give you a call.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: That’s awfully god-damned nice of you.
GROUND CONTROL: You guys–uh–quit drinking last night when I told you to–right?
CO-PILOT: Actually, we still had about half a bottle of gin left, and I figured we’d be gone for a long time and it might go bad.
GROUND CONTROL: Gin doesn’t go bad.
CO-PILOT: Oh, right. It was the tonic. There was about half a one-liter bottle left–we didn’t want it to go flat.
GROUND CONTROL: All right. What are you guys doing?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Now?
GROUND CONTROL: Yes, now–when did you think I meant?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Uh, we’re playing zero-gravity beer pong.
GROUND CONTROL: What?
CO-PILOT: Hair of the dog that bit you, man.
GROUND CONTROL: You guys are nuts!
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: I know–it’s really hard when you’re weightless.
GROUND CONTROL: Guys–I thought we had an understanding.
CO-PILOT: Right. We’re not allowed to drink in outer space unless we go up in the Space Shuttle first–for safety’s sake.
GROUND CONTROL: That’s not how I remember it. Anyway, you’re shut off.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Aw, c’mon! I just cracked open a Miller High Life, the Champagne of Bottle Beers!
GROUND CONTROL: How do you keep it from flying all around?
CO-PILOT: Sippy-cups. Hey–why don’t we do bar bets. Each one we win, we get to have another round.
GROUND CONTROL: Let me check my Shuttle Employee Manual.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: It’s under the “Bottle-to-Throttle” rule at tab 7.
GROUND CONTROL: You’re right–here it is. Let’s see, astronauts are not allowed to drink within 12 hours of liftoff–
CO-PILOT: We already broke that one.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: See–we’re okay. It doesn’t say anything about in-flight drinking.
GROUND CONTROL: All right. I guess there’s nothing I can do to stop you. Fire away.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Who made the first three-point shot in NBA history?
Chris Ford
GROUND CONTROL: Please–don’t insult my intelligence. Chris Ford.
CO-PILOT: My turn. Have two National League teams ever played against each other in the same World Series?
GROUND CONTROL: That’s impossible. You’d have to have one from the American League–
CO-PILOT: So your answer is?
GROUND CONTROL: No.
Cardinals Bruce Sutter and Darrell Porter celebrate the last out of the ‘82 World Series against the Brewers.
CO-PILOT: BAAAP! You’re wrong. 1982–Cardinals versus Brewers.
GROUND CONTROL: The Brewers were in the American League then–
CO-PILOT: Another beer for both of us.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: You got him that time.
CO-PILOT: I’m going to go get some chips. You want anything?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: I need to go to the bathroom but you can’t do that for me.
GROUND CONTROL: Somebody’s got to stay on the flight deck at all times, okay?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Okay–one last question then I gotta take a leak. Name the Jewish ballplayer with the highest season batting average in baseball history.
Hank Greenberg
GROUND CONTROL: Uh–let’s see. Hank Greenberg?
Rod Carew: Mazel tov!
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Nope–Rod Carew. .388 in 1977.
GROUND CONTROL: Rod Carew isn’t Jewish, he’s, like Panamanian or something.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: He converted–like Sammy Davis, Jr.
GROUND CONTROL: That’s a trick question.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: No use crying over spilt beer.
CO-PILOT: Hey, we’re out of chips.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Ground control, permission to change course requested.
GROUND CONTROL: Why–where are you going?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER: Phobos, one of Mars’ moons. There’s a 7-11 there–we’ll bring you back a Slurpee.
Copyright 2007, Con Chapman
