SAN FRANCISCO. Marine biologists have determined that giant squid caught off the coast of California in recent months have fed on discharge from Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, a sports nutrition center tied to steroid abuse among professional athletes.
“Look at the back acne on this one!”
“We performed autopsies on some of them, which is a good reason not to become a marine biologist,” said Paul Wolman, of the California Oceanic Institute. “They were wearing a lot of bling and a few had eaten on-camera and print reporters who tried to interview them.”
“Ohmigod–it’s got Jon Miller in its mouth and is shaking him like a chew toy!”
Lifeguards report that humans have little to fear from the giant sea creatures, which can grow to a length of 13 feet in the case of females, and 10 feet in the case of males. “You should stay clear of them, and try not to fall behind in the count,” said Dave Leftwich, who patrols the beach at Laguna del Vista Mar Rey, California. “Don’t give them anything good to hit on the inside part of the plate.”
Blue Cheer and Iron Butterfly: You had to be stoned to appreciate them.
The Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, or “BALCO”, is located 17 miles south of San Francisco, and its proximity to that drug-tolerant city is cited as the link between the giant squid and illegal steroid use. “These ten-foot creatures would slither into my store and ask if I had any Blue Cheer or Iron Butterfly albums,” says Seth White, owner of the Hot Wax Used Record Store in San Francisco. “I would tell them to just drop their money on the counter–I didn’t want to touch the serrated sucker rings on their tentacles when I gave them their change.”
“A giant squid ate your kayak? That like totally sucks!”
More than a few of the squid are expected to be in attendance when Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s home run in the days or weeks ahead. “We know Barry from way back,” said one. “By comparison to us, he’s really not that slimy.”
Copyright 2007, Con Chapman
