FAQ’s About Gerbil News Network
Readers of this column are constantly bombarding us with questions. Look out–here comes one now! (Just kidding.) In order to make your reading experience more enjoyable, and to reduce the time we are forced to spend dealing with actual human beings, we have created an “FAQ” feature.
Q: What does “FAQ” stand for?
A: “FAQ” stands for “frequently asked questions”. It also is short for “free along quay”, a Frenglish trade term that means the seller of Jerry Lewis DVDs must make them available to the buyer on the “quay” (wharf) at the named port of destination, cleared for import.
Q: Can I ask another question?
A: You just did, and you can’t have a third–there are lots of people waiting.
Q: I rarely see references to belly-button lint in this space. Is this omission intentional?
A: Gerbil News Network Decency Guidelines prohibit explicit references to dandruff, belly button lint or dry, flaky skin.
“Stop it–you’re killing me!”
Q: So you will not be using the headline “Dog Nearly Itches to Death”?
A: Not without proper historical context.
Woodchuck: “I am so sick of that question!”
Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Zoologists at the University of Michigan-Upper Peninsula estimate that if a woodchuck could chuck wood he or she would chuck enough wood to heat all the red-headed women in Vermont, laid end-to-end.
“If I have but one life to live, let me live it as a redhead!”
Q: Why are they laid end-to-end?
A: Gerbil News Network Terms of Service do not permit me to answer that question.
Ulysses S. Grant: First in war, first in peace, and first trick question in U.S. history.
Q: Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?
A: It is not the same person who wrote Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
Composer of several of Beethoven’s symphonies.
Q: If you were in a house with all four corners facing south and a bear came up to the window, what color what it be?
A: White, because you’d be at the North Pole.
“Got to do my ab crunches if global warming is going to turn the North Pole into a beach!”
Q: I recently posted a comment on this site and was deluged with credit card offers and emails offering to improve my sexual performance.
A: And you’re complaining?
Q: Aren’t you supposed to answer questions instead of asking them?
A: That is correct.
Q: This hasn’t been very helpful. Is there an 800 number I can call to get a straight answer?
A: Did you purchase the extended service plan?
Operators are standing by.
Q: You’re going to charge me for customer service?
A: To answer that question, I will need a major credit card number.
Copyright 2007, Con Chapman
