Christmas Shopping Tips for the Busy Sports Guy

Christmas comes but once a year, goes the old saying, bringing panic, also fear.

That’s not how you remember it?  Maybe your local pro football team has already been mathematically eliminated and your alma mater finished its season with a press conference at which the head coach said he was leaving “to spend more time with his family.”  Yeah right.

If your still have a team in contention, however, you face an awful dilemma:  Continue to watch or attend games, or go shopping for a Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa/Pagan Tree Cult Holiday gift for your better half.  Or your better one-third, if you drink a lot of beer.

You could take the path of Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley in “Beverly Hills Cop”–”Here’s fifty bucks, go buy yourself something nice, I haven’t got time.”  Don’t try it–you’ll never pull it off.

As a service to its readers, Gerbil Sports Network offers convenient point and click shopping to help you navigate the busy BCS-NFL stretch drive-holiday shopping season.  Here are some great gift ideas that will warm her heart and light a fire under the mistletoe!

Pink camo hat:  What’s up with that?

Team logo pink camo hat:  Die-hard male fans scoff at women who wear these, but we think they’re cute!  They look like something Barbie and Midge would wear if they joined G.I. Joe’s battalion.  $23.95.

“Hey, Midge–’Taps’ means it’s time to hop in the sleeping bag.”

Team Logo Scrunchy:  What’s a scrunchy?  Glad you asked!  They’re those things women use to make a pony tail!  One size fits all, not available in Western Conference NHL teams.  $8.95

Screaming Slingshot Superhero Chimp:  Okay, so it’s not a romantic dinner at the Ritz.  It’s still a lot of fun, and at only $6.99, it’s a great way to save money for the expensive Valentine’s Day present you’re going to have to buy if you give her this for Christmas and want to have sex at some point in 2008.

Ice Skating Tickets:  Chicks dig ice skating–it must have something to do with the sequins and the tutus.  You can learn to enjoy it too, if your veterinarian got confused and neutered you instead of the cat.

“Was that a double lutz or a triple salchow?”

Thankfully, most ice skating shows are held in NHL arenas, so who’s to say there won’t be a little mix-up the day you buy the tickets–and end up with front-row seats to see the Boston Bruins face the St. Louis Blues!

Which will be a lot like the Ice Capades, but with helmets and mouthgards.

Donut Makers Pull Out All Stops to Keep US #1

CANTON, Mass.  This town of 20,000 south of Boston is home to Dunkin’ Donuts University, the institute of higher learning where future managers of the national franchise have received training in the fine art of making donuts since 1966.

DDU Students:  “I don’t know–I guess I’d say the Chocolate Sprinkled is my favorite.”

The school’s emphasis on undergraduate education is being replaced by a more serious approach to donutology, however, as professors attempt to maintain the donut’s status as the world’s breakfast snack of choice.  

Stacks in the library.

“If we just sit on our duffs we’ll be crushed by foreign foods such as croissants and brioches,” says Dean of Students Colin McKenzie.  “We need to be doing more basic research if we’re going to remain number one.”

A way of life is threatened

The same sense of urgency is felt across the border in Oakville, Ontario, where Tim Hortons, the US-Canadian donut giant, has spent $43 million on a high-speed sprinkle accelerator that the company says will produce the world’s first “super donut” in early 2009.  “There’s a struggle going on right now for the soul and stomach of the world,” says Oren Muller, a donut industry analyst for Brevard Securities in New York.  “There will be winners and losers, and the creme filling will run in the streets.”

Prototype of “super donut”.

A donut (also spelled “doughnut”) is a sweet, deep-fried lump of dough that takes one of two forms; the “filled” donut, a flattened sphere injected with jam, jelly, cream or custard, and the more popular ring-shaped variety.  The void in the center of a ring donut is often referred to as a donut “hole”.

Allen Mendelsohn, the Rosenfeld Professor of History at Dunkin’ Donuts University, says that the perennially popular food item was introduced to America by Dutch settlers who fled culinary persecution in Europe.  “The Dutch started the Dessert Renaissance,” he explains to a visitor at the sprawling DDU campus.  “They invented cookies, cream pie and cobbler, which aroused the suspicions of skinny Calvinist religious authorities.”   As proof of his theory, he notes that in the northern Europe doughnuts are referred to by the Dutch word “olykoeks,” meaning “big butt”.

“I didn’t have nothin’ better to do, so I came down here to stand in line.”

Krispy Kreme, the other member of the American donut industry’s “Big Three” says it is prepared to do whatever is necessary to maintain the donut’s dominance over the breakfast pastries of other nations.  “We’re going to work with other donut makers to maintain America’s hegemony,” says Furman Austin, a senior vice president at the Winston-Salem, North Carolina-based company.  “I just wish somebody would tell me what the hell ‘hegemony’ means.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Cinema Surprise: Snooty French Mag Says “Ghostbusters” Best US Film of All Time

PARIS.  Cahiers du Cinema, the highbrow French movie magazine, today released its annual poll of French film critics who gave an upset victory to “Ghostbusters” as the best American movie of all time, displacing longtime title-holder Citizen Kane.

Nombre une, et nombre deux.

“Citizen Kane is good, but it does not have any green slime in it,” said Jean-Francois Friel, film critic for Le Figaro.  “Also, Orson Welles is fat.”

Cahiers du Cinema is widely regarded as the most influential film magazine in the world and the new poll is likely to result in a re-evaluation of the oeuvre of Welles, who at the end of his career was forced to appear in television commercials to make ends meet as he could no longer find work in the film industry. 

The Brain 

Welles was the inspiration for the genius lab mouse “The Brain” in the Warner Brothers cartoon “Pinky and the Brain”.  As he grew to weigh more than 300 pounds he was often mistaken for a beached whale, and would spray autograph seekers with spume from his blowhole.

Welles or whale?

“Ghostbusters” has been climbing slowly but surely through the ranks of noteworthy American films since it was released in 1984, passing Shirley Temple’s ”Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm” in 2002 and “Beach Blanket Bingo” in 2004.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Beach Blanket Bingo:  Which is which?

Both “Citizen Kane” and “Ghostbusters” deal with the theme of lost innocence, as Charles Foster Kane, played by Welles, repeatedly invokes the image of “Rosebud”, his childhood sled, while Ghostbuster Ray Stantz, played by Bill Murray, recalls the Stay Puft Marshallow Man, a treasured icon of his youth.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man    Ray Parker, Jr.

“In many ways the two films are comparable,” notes Friel, “but Citizen Kane leaves you with the image of a stupid sled, while you walk out of Ghostbusters humming a truly bodacious R&B hit by Ray Parker, Jr.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

For Victims of Chronic Free Bird Syndrome, Silence More Precious Than Gold

BOSTON.  On a Tuesday evening at Symphony Hall, the last few strains of a delicate piece by Debussy performed by the Guarneri String Quartet have left the audience in a blissful state of calm, which is broken only after an extended period of silence by appreciative applause.  

Guarneri String Quartet

“That was so–peaceful,” says Janice Webb quietly to her husband Phil, as she scans his face for signs of trouble. 

“Yes,” Phil replies, obviously agitated unlike the others in attendance.  His lips quiver after he speaks.

“Are you all right?” Janice asks.

“I think so,” Phil begins, but then suddenly lurches forward, as if trying desperately to restrain himself.  “No–it’s coming again,” he says after a moment, and begins to rise from his seat.

Lynyrd Skynyrd

“Oh, no,” Janice says, as she taps the person to her left, an elderly woman with a hearing aid, to let her know that her husband needs to get out.

Phil makes his way past the other concertgoers with difficulty, and when he reaches the aisle he starts to run for the exit.   Before he can make it, however, he succumbs to his malady, turns around and shouts “Free Bird!”, before breaking into tears.

Janice sprints after him and fights off two ushers who are trying to remove Phil from the aisle by force.

“He’s my husband,” she says as she wrestles Phil away from their grasp.  “I’ll handle this.”

Phil suffers from Chronic Free Bird Syndrome, an affliction that affects over 250,000 American males who are current or former fans of Lynyrd Skynyrd, the Southern Rock band of the ’70’s whose anthem “Free Bird” is the most requested concert song of all time.

“Would the guy in the back please shut up?”

“Men who suffer from CFBS feel a compulsion to shout out ‘Free Bird!’ at any pause in a musical performance, no matter how inappropriate the request,” says Dr. Paul Greenzang of the Mass. Ear, Nose and Throat Institute.  “They’ve been banned from High Mass at Catholic Churches, escorted out of their kids’ piano recitals, and attacked in Muzak-filled elevators.”

James Levine of the Boston Symphony Orchestra:  “Sweet Home, Alabama!”

Phil has matured beyond his days as a heavy-drinking, drug-addled fan of the star-crossed band, three of whose members died in a 1977 plane crash, but still can’t shake the urge to call for his favorite song.  “That band meant so much to me at a certain point in my life,” he says.  “Janice has taught me to appreciate classical music, but I guess a lot of their songs are burned into my brain.”

Some musicians attempt to appease CFB sufferers by incorporating Southern Rock anthems such as the group’s “Sweet Home Alabama” into their repertoire, but specialists say this approach treats the symptom but not the cause of the ailment.  “If you play ‘Sweet Home Alabama’, the neurons start firing on trace elements of Southern Comfort,” the sickly sweet whiskey-flavored liqueur favored by the group’s fans, says Ancil Mullins, an emergency medical technician who works the concert halls of Boston.  “There is no known cure, other than prolonged exposure to Carole King albums.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Former NBA Great Kemp Says UFO Love Child “Not Mine”

SEATTLE, Washington.  As SuperSonics season ticket holder Mort Ruderman stood in the checkout line at a Whole Foods Market on northeast 64th Street here the other day, he could only shake his head.  “Kemp Fathers UFO Love Child” screamed the headline on a tabloid newspaper, next to a picture of a humanoid mother holding a bawling infant.

Shawn Kemp, airborne.

“The Reignman never could stay out of trouble,”  Ruderman said with a rueful little smile as he opted for paper over plastic.

Former Sonics’ forward Shawn Kemp is the all-time NBA career leader in illegitimate offspring, having fathered seven children by six women.  Larry Johnson fathered five children by four women, Charles Barkley–in his typically contrarian fashion–fathered three by five women, and Dennis Rodman fathered two and mothered three. 

Kobe Bryant was well on his way towards establishing the “double-double”–ten children by ten different women–before his philandering career was cut short by allegations of rape in Colorado.

The real father?  You be the judge.

Kemp, who retired after spending the 2002-03 season with the Orlando Magic, called the paternity claim a “shake-down” at a news conference here.  “That woman’s from the NGC 4414 spiral galaxy.  We never even played an exhibition there,” Kemp said.  “From the looks of the kid,” he added, “she oughta be going after Sam Cassell.”

Dr. Wendy Feldman of the Observatories of the Carnegie Institution supported Kemp’s denial.  “To the extent that we can ever get the Hubble Telescope to work, we have generally not seen any life forms resembling power forwards in that galaxy,” she said by telephone from Washington, D.C.  “A few off-guards and small forwards, yes, but nothing bigger.”

Illegitimate Kidz Fun Zone!

The NBA’s illegitimate children scandal was exposed by a 1998 Sports Illustrated article, and the league responded by creating a special exhibit at the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Mass., to explore the delicate subject.  The Illegitimate Kidz Fun Zone! is located next to an interactive display on the history of the 24-second shot clock. 

Dan Dickau

Dan Dickau, the baby-faced guard for the Los Angeles Clippers, expressed surprise when told of the league’s continuing crisis of players who abandon their children.   ”We’re allowed to date fans?” he asked.  “Cool!”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Tempers Flare as Yao’s Translation Sparks Nuggets Conflict

DENVER.  Tempers flared in the Denver Nuggets’ huddle during Saturday night’s game against the Houston Rockets after Kenyon Martin learned the meaning of Chinese characters tattooed on Allen Iverson’s neck.

“I’m shopping at Target from now on!”

“I saw Yao Ming laughing in the lay-up line during warm-ups and I asked him what was so funny,” Martin said.  “He told me Allen’s tattoo means ‘Power Forward Stinky Pants’.”

Iverson denied the allegation, noting that Chinese ideographs often have multiple meanings.  “Everybody knows that the symbol for ‘crisis’ is the same as ‘opportunity’,” The Answer responded to questions from reporters.  “Everybody but K-Mart.  That’s why I shop at Target.”

“My pants do not stink.”

Yao acknowledged that his translation might have been too literal.  “If the tattoo appeared on his bicep the more likely translation would be ‘Strong Muscle, Smelly Pits’,” the Houston center said through an interpreter.  ”Mr. Iverson should have consulted with a knowledgeable interpreter before paying for a permanent mark on such a visible part of his body.”

“No, seriously.  It means ‘Pork Fried Rice’.”

The flap has raised the possibility that other Nuggets’ players may be sending coded messages to their teammates through tattoos as well.  Team officials said they would send center Marcus Camby to a Sino-American language expert for a translation of Chinese characters on his upper arms.  Camby has long maintained that his markings were copied from a take-out menu and mean “Free Delivery For Order Over Ten Dollar.” 

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

As Anti-Vegan Prejudice Grows, SaladShooter Vigilante Groups Emerge

BROOKLINE, Mass.  This overwhelmingly liberal community is situated just west of Boston’s Kenmore Square, a proximity that sometimes makes for uncomfortable encounters between drunken sports fans and nightclub habitues to the east and more pacific diners from Brookline’s many vegetarian restaurants.

Brookline, Mass.:  A nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to eat there.

“One of my friends was pelted with tomatoes as he was getting into his Prius last Saturday night,” says Siobhan Thompson, a “vegan” or strict vegetarian, as she looks up nervously from her brown rice and cauliflower entree at the Wholesome Harvest restaurant.  “There’s a Mexican restaurant next door where college kids get plastered on margaritas, then they hassle us on the street.”

“Let’s go get us some vegetablarian . . . ists.”

As if to confirm her assertion, a group of three obviously drunken young men can be seen through the restaurant’s windows.  “Rabbit food!” yells one at a couple who scurry quickly to a shelter for riders of the MBTA’s Green Line, rounding the corner just as overripe green and yellow peppers smash up against the clear plastic panels.

Police cars at Route 9 Donut Shoppe

“I think it’s time to take defensive measures,” Thompson says as she taps out a text message to the Vegan Defense League, a vigilante group formed to fill the gap left by local law enforcement, who jam the parking lot a mile down the road at the Route 9 Donut Shoppe.  “By the time the cops finish their coffee and chocolate frosted donuts, we could be dead.”

Outside the restaurant a sharp-eyed observer would notice stealthy figures on mountain bikes begin to take positions at strategic spots down the street and across the intersection from the Wholesome Harvest, with their weapons of choice–the Presto SaladShooter Slicer/Shredder–slung across their backs.

Lethal Weapon

Siobhan and her friend Marcy Axelrod complete their scrupulous calculation of each woman’s share of the dinner tab (”I had four of the seven spring rolls,” Siobhan says, “so I’ll pay 57% of the appetizer”), add a 15% tip, and make their way to the exit, where they scan the sidewalk for trouble.

“Looks okay,” Marcy says, and she cautiously steps out onto the pavement. 

“There’s the wind-up . . .”

“Crunchy granola girls!” yells Sean Fitzpatrick, an anti-vegetarian “meathead” who is known for the ferocity of his attacks after a night of getting “fleshed up” at Barkley’s Roast Beef and Burgers.  Fitzpatrick starts to launch a piece of rotten fruit into the air, but he has barely begun his old-school wind-up modeled on Cleveland Indians’ reliever Paul Byrd when he is hit from behind by zucchini and carrots shot from the Vegan Defense League’s Salad Shooters.

“I’m hit,” Fitzpatrick yells to his two buddies, Charlie “Carnivore” Watson and Bobby Cassel.  Cassel takes off, fearing an arrest that will send him back to the Mass. Home for Wayward Boys, but “Carnivore” Watson comes to Fitzpatrick’s side.

“What’d they get you with?” he says as he bends over Fitpatrick, who has a thin, ”Day of Beauty”-type slice of cucumber over one eye.

“A veritable cornucopia of autumnal delights,” Fitzgerald mutters weakly.

Watson is stunned as a thick chunk of carrot grazes his ear, and the Vegan Defense League moves in for the coup de grace.

“You wouldn’t kill us would you?” Watson begs as three herbivaceous commandos stand over the two meat-eaters. 

“You deserve to die,” mutters Evan “Eggplant” Wilentz, a towering hulk of post-adolescent fury whose play about anti-vegetarian prejudice–”The Zucchini Diaries”–has been performed at student unions across New England.

“But they’re animals too,” says Wilentz’s pacifist friend Todd Amboy.

Wilentz considers this point for a moment, then relents.  “I guess we’ll let you off easy this time,” he says.

“What’s our punishment?” Watson asks with an audible sense of relief in his voice.

Wilentz reaches in the pocket of his fleece pullover.  “You have to eat this carob-granola energy bar–without gagging.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

In Battle of Mascots, San Dorito State Usually Wins

SAN DORITO, California.  Like many college presidents, Norman van Dorn of San Dorito State College wouldn’t mind the publicity that comes with a winning sports program.  “You look at what Doug Flutie did for Boston College,” he says, referring to an upsurge in applications that school enjoyed after a “Hail Mary” pass by the diminutive quarterback beat Miami on the final play of a nationally-televised game in 1984.  “I’d like to have some of that mojo working for us when a kid is choosing between us and Stanford.”

The “Hail Mary” pass:  Tuition just went up 11%.

For now, van Dorn’s recruiting weapons are limited to his men’s basketball and women’s volleyball teams, but the former marketing specialist isn’t letting that limited arsenal hold him back.  “A lot of kids–granted, kids who aren’t too bright–will choose a school because of its mascot, and that’s what Chipper is all about,” he says.

Chipper

“Chipper” is a mature male Komodo dragon, the largest lizard species in the world and a deadly carnivore that stalks its prey with a stealthy approach and a sudden, fatal charge.  “It’s a great teaching tool for our business majors,” van Dorn says.  “It’s kill or be killed once you graduate.”

“Your freaking lizard ate our Terrier!”

Chipper is restrained during San Dorito State games by one of two heavily-muscled male cheerleaders who alternate due to the toll that holding back the ten foot long, three hundred fifty pound monster takes on them.  “Chipper’s a big dude,” says Tyler Lawrence, “and he can smell another team’s mascot when they stop for dinner at the Arby’s on the edge of town.”

“Rhett”:  Grrr–sort of.

Tonight the San Dorito Fighting Taco Chips take on the Boston University Terriers in the championship game of the Turkey Day Classic, a men’s basketball tournament that van Dorn has organized to get his school’s name in the headlines during the fall college application season.  As the contingent from Boston University enters the building, Chipper’s eyes swing towards the other end of the gym as he first smells, then sees, “Rhett”, the Boston terrier mascot of Boston University.  “Whoa, Chip, easy boy,” Lawrence says as he pulls the leash taut.  “Don’t jump the gun.”

Tastes like chicken.

The San Dorito players emerge from their dressing room to scattered cheers from the crowd that van Dorn says will reach one hundred by tip-off time.  “This isn’t Duke, but we’re getting there,” he says a bit optimistically.   The team goes through a series of flashy half-court drills, with each team member stopping to pat Chipper on the head for good luck.

Norman van Dorn:  “A little ‘Wild Kingdom’ gets the crowd into the game.” 

Boston University’s players wander onto the court, still a bit groggy from the cross-country travel and low-price hotel accommodations they’ve put up with for a shot at a pre-season trophy.  Rhett, a five year-old black and white male dog, is clearly the most energetic of the group as he strains at his leash when he smells hot dogs cooking at the concession stand.

Chipper senses his chance and begins to slink forward.  His handler drops the leash, and the giant lizard reverts to the law of the jungle, skittering across the floor and grabbing the smallish dog in his jaws, consuming him in two gulps before the terrier can get a yelp out.

“What the hell?” screams B.U. athletic director Dennis Windsor when he sees the Wild Kingdom-like scene unfold before horrified fans.

“Send me your bill,” van Dorn says as custodians rush out to clean up the mess.  “Whatever it is, it’ll be worth it if we make Sportscenter’s Top Ten or When Mascots Attack!”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

President Declares Friday National Day of Leftovers

CAMP DAVID, Maryland  President George W. Bush declared Friday a National Day of Leftovers after a Thanksgiving Day Dinner that included a dish–zucchini gratin–that he pushed around on his plate and did not finish.

Zucchini gratin

“Our enemies at home and abroad deserve to eat this stuff,” Bush said in his traditional after-Thanksgiving radio address.  “We are going to wrap it up and send it to them along with the sauteed green beans.”

The president typically “pardons” two National Thanksgiving Turkeys but declined to do so this year based on the recommendation of the Department of Justice.  “These two turkeys were responsible for identity theft, carjacking and intimidating a witness,” said U.S. Attorney Karl May.  “They will be deep-fried and served as Popcorn Chicken at a KFC franchise in Washington.”

Deep-fried turkey

The first American leftovers were produced as a by-product of the Thanksgiving celebration held in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in 1621.  Uneaten butternut squash and jellied cranberries were given to members of the Wampanoag tribe as they left the feast, touching off a bloody two-year conflict that claimed the lives of nearly a hundred people and depressed retail sales during the critical Christmas shopping period.

“I gave my stuffing to the dog.”

The children of the Plymouth Colony were especially grateful to Squanto, a Native American and former British slave, who taught them to bury fish to fertilize corn fields.  “If you hide the food you don’t like,” he told them, “you don’t have to eat it.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Limbaugh, Franken Added to Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade

NEW YORK. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will for the first time feature living personalities this year as Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken were added to list of colorful ballons that bring joy to children as they float through the streets of Manhattan in the traditional start to the holiday season.

“I love you, you love me.  Right or left we’re family!”

“Interest in politics is at an all-time high,” said Amy Kuehn, Macy’s Vice President of Marketing. “We thought it was time to harness the excitement of partisan bickering in support of the Macy’s brand.”

Franken:  Over-inflated?

Franken and Limbaugh will join favorites such as Garfield, Barney and Snoopy as they make their way from Central Park West to Broadway. The two have sparred over the years with Franken penning a best-selling book titled “Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Slob” and Limbaugh responding with “So what? You’re an Undersized Twit!”, a twenty-page, peer-reviewed monograph that he wrote as his thesis for a master’s degree in culinary arts.

Limbaugh:  “I could squash that little twit like a bug!”

The two are the leading overweight figureheads of their respective political persuasions, with Limbaugh tipping the scales at approximately 300 pounds and Franken “not missing any meals,” according to FBI agent Floyd McDaniel, who has been “tailing” Franken since his first appearance on Saturday Night Live in the early 1970’s. “Someday he’s gonna slip up, and I’m gonna get him,” McDaniel said. “Not that I’m obsessed or anything.”

Leaner times

Balloons that are used in the 80-year-old parade are filled with gas and guided by volunteers who hold wires attached to the gigantic figures. Wind-whipped balloons have injured pedestrians in recent years, and company officials said they would take appropriate precautions to ensure that parade spectators are not injured in a political melee.

Pikachu:  A “swing” voter.

“Filling these two with gas won’t be hard,” Kuehn said. “It’s the noise they make when it escapes that’s the problem.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman