LONDON. In a historic first, neo-conservatives and up-and-coming singers from the neo-soul movement met today over scrambled eggs, bangers and cocaine to seek ways the two groups could work together in an attempt to forge a political coalition and open new markets for songs like “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse.
Winehouse: “They tried to make me go to I-raq, and I said no, no, no!”
“We have in many ways been working at cross-purposes,” said Irving Kristol, widely viewed as the founder of the neoconservative movement with his quip that he was a “liberal who was mugged by reality.” “I like Joss Stone very much, and I’m willing to give her ‘every bit of my love’,” he noted, referring to one of Stone’s biggest hits.
Irving Kristol: “We would like to reach the coveted neo-soul demographic of wasted, post-adolescent hepcats.”
Neo-soul singers perform in a genre that is a hybrid of soul, jazz, funk, polka and “house” music, with cumin and tabasco added for flavoring. The neo-conservative movement is a collection of older white people who no longer dance due to hip replacements, but who are willing to listen to new styles of music because they have lost their hearing.
Joss Stone: “Don’t be afraid–turn up your hearing aid!”
Winehouse suffers from bulimia nervosa, an eating disorder characterized by binge eating and purging to avoid weight gain. “Working with the neocons has been great for me,” she explained to a skeptical music industry reporter. “I’m vomiting much more easily now.”
Copyright 2007, Con Chapman
