Huckabee: Romney Uses Foreign Oil on His Hair

AMES, Iowa.  The sniping between Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney escalated yesterday, with Huckabee saying that Romney’s hair style would increase America’s dependence on foreign oil and Romney countering that Huckabee was a “wolf in bass player’s clothing who will ban teen dancing.”

Romney:  “I do not use foreign oil on my hair.  It’s blubber from endangered whales.”

If elected, Romney would be the first president since Richard Nixon to use hair cream.  “After Nixon resigned, slicked-back hair came to be associated with a certain slippery quality among voters,” noted David Sargent, a professor of political science at Quinnipiac College.  “Mormons never got the memo, as they had stockpiled enough Wildroot Cream-Oil in the hills of Utah to last two centuries in case the Anti-Christ had blow-dried hair.”

Wildroot Cream-Oil:  The real thing.

Huckabee is an ordained minister in the Southern Baptist Convention, a Christian denomination that forbids its members from dancing, playing canasta or drinking beverages from cans with pull tabs.  “Unlike Mormons, Baptists can drink Coca-Cola,” says Dr. Roger Clarke, a professor of theology at Randolph-Macon College, “but they have to use a church key to get at the stuff.”

Teen-center dancing fun.

The choice between two candidates who are eager to use their personal religious fervor as a way to win votes has created a dilemma for many church-going voters.  “They’re both good Christian men,” says Wanda Jean Peters, who attends the New Hope Baptist Church in Lone Jack, Missouri.  “Except for the ‘turn the other cheek’ part.”

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman