Bush Bread ‘n Butter Gifts Bring Mideast Foes Together

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Bush’s week-long trip to the Mideast, judged an exercise in futility by many long-time observers of the troubled region, has scored an after-the-fact success with “bread and butter” gifts that the White House has sent to heads of state who hosted him.

“This is one bitchin’ sword, man!”

“We sent everybody gift packages from Pete’s Pork Palace in Midland, Texas,” said Assistant Press Secretary Thomas Nash, referring to a specialty food shop in the President’s boyhood home town.  “We understand that they’ve enabled people on both sides of the Arab-Israeli conflict to see that there’s more that unites them than divides them.”

“I got one Super Deluxe Pork Pak for each Middle Eastern sheik or whatever.”

The gift packages chosen by Bush included a variety of pork products, including bacon, pork chops, “bacon bits” salad garnish, ham salad and scrapple, a savory mush made from pork scraps, cornmeal and flour.  “Anybody who would turn up their nose at that selection just doesn’t like pork,” Bush said.

Scrapple:  You don’t want to know what goes into it.

Kosher dietary laws and the Koran forbid Jews and Muslims from eating pork, and political leaders who received the gifts expressed their disappointment at the President’s insensitivity to their cultural traditions.  “He could have sent us something from Brookstone, or maybe L.L. Bean,” said Yona Metger, chief rabbi of Jerusalem.  “I would feed this to my dogs, except they keep kosher too.”

“It says that Velma Jean to my left here has gained a lot of weight.”

“Bread and butter gifts” are presents given by American women, primarily in the South, to others who host parties or provide them with complimentary food or lodging.  The recipient of the gift is then required, on pain of social embarrassment, to send her guest a thank-you gift for the thank-you gift, setting off an infinite regression of expensive purchases that fuels a consumer-driven economy.

Arab and Israeli leaders said their mutual distaste for the presents was the spark that inspired them to meet for a cross-cultural meal of foods acceptable under the laws of both religions, and that there was hope for a negotiated settlement to the long-simmering conflicts as a result.  “It could have been worse,” said Egyptian President Hosi Mubarak.  “His father made us eat pork rinds.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Iran Bans Public Executions Except for Cable Viewers

TEHRAN, Iran.  Ending a tradition that dates back to Biblical times, Iran’s chief justice today ordered an end to public executions, saying they represented a “barbaric anachronism” that should be viewed only by premium cable TV subscribers.

“We’ll be right back after this message from our sponsors.  This is Iranian Capital Punishment TV!”

“It is time we moved into the twentieth century and ended a practice that is not accepted among civilized nations,” said Ayatollah Mahmoud Hashemi Shahroudi, a moderate conservative cleric whose show “Judge Mahmoud’s Court” consistently tops afternoon television ratings.  When advised that the twentieth century ended seven years ago, Shahroundi replied “We’ll get to the twenty-first century later.”

Early television game show:  “You Bet Your Worthless Life!”

The last public execution legally conducted in the United States was the hanging of Rainey Bethea on August 14, 1936 in Owensboro, Kentucky.  The development of television in the late 1930’s provided an alternative form of family entertainment that did not require human sacrifice, although it exposed impressionable youth to the horror of commercials featuring Speedy Alka-Seltzer.

Speedy Alka Seltzer:  Creepy.

Executions will be available for viewing only by subscribers to the ICPTV Network Iran’s premium cable sports package, which also features the regular and playoff games of the National Buzkashi League.  Buzkashi is a game similar to polo involving two teams of horsemen, a dead goat and two French mimes.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

How Did You Two Meet?

Many couples have cute stories to tell about how they met, which they are happy to recount at nauseating length.  For others, however, the circumstances of a first romantic encounter were regrettable, causing embarrassment whenever the inevitable question–”How did you two meet?”–comes up in social situations.  Our readers constantly fill our mailbox with letters seeking advice on this sensitive subject–here are this month’s replies:

“I can’t believe you like the Dewey Decimal System too!”

Dear How Did You Two Meet:

I met my boyfriend “Dave” while I was working a private police detail at a University of Minnesota-Mankato hockey game against their arch-rival, Minnesota State, which I just happen to be a graduate of (B.A., Criminal Justice, 1997).  My boyfriend was a student at UM-Mankato at the time.  Anyway, Mankato scored on a breakaway with two seconds left and the place went nuts as Minnesota State has basically “owned” Mankato since the ’50’s.

Kids spilled out of the rink, throwing cups with crushed ice in them, and it was my sworn duty to restore order.  I will admit that the pain of my alma mater’s loss may have given my crowd control a harder “edge” than usual, but I was just doing my job when I collared “Dave” with my nightstick, threw him to the ground and began to grind his face into the frozen asphalt of the Clinton J. Warnke Memorial Parking Lot.

I noticed after a few moments that “Dave” seemed to be enjoying what some people might consider “police brutality.”  “Hurts good,” he said–”More.”  “You like that, huh?” I said, and we sorta struck up a conversation.  I have to say, “Dave” was easier to talk to than the guys I meet at church ham ‘n bean suppers, and I’m not getting any younger, so I conveniently forgot to read “Dave” his Miranda Warning and the night court judge dismissed the charges.

“Post-game rioting is dangerous, and hurtful to fans of the losing team!”

Things have worked out fine for Dave and me–our shared interest in close-combat techniques has made for a fulfilling, if somewhat noisy, sex life.  My problem is–what do I say to my fellow officers at police conventions and professional development seminars?

Lula Orthwein, Bemidji, Minn.

Undercover mall cop:  “You have the right to remain silent . . .”

Dear Lula:

I see no reason for you to be embarrassed.  If it weren’t for lawbreakers, police men and women would have nothing to do, and you would all be assigned to athletic shoe stores in malls, where your chances of meeting someone nice would plummet dramatically.  Be upfront about your past–if they ask, tell your colleagues that the story of how you two met is a riot!

Dear How Did You Two Meet:

I am a 28 year-old male who was not lucky in romance until I met Chastity, who is the girl I want to marry.  I’d like to take her home to meet my folks, but there is one problem.  I met Chastity at the Golden Zucchini Lounge, where she works as a pole dancer, but I have told my parents she is a toll taker at Exit 10 on the Massachusetts Turnpike.  I don’t know why I felt I had to make something up–Chastity is a very “accomplished” dancer and could use the skills she has learned to become a professional ballerina, or help people reach behind large kitchen appliances to get stuff they drop.

I want to be honest with my parents, but I am also sick of the dating “scene”.  Please help me out here.

Francis X. Toomey, Shrewsbury, Mass.

Audience participation night.

Dear Francis:

There is no reason for you to be ashamed of Chastity.  Pole-dancing is a learned profession every bit as reputable as toll-taking, with the additional benefit of providing healthful stretching and aerobic exercise during work hours!  Tell your folks that you could have settled for someone who sits on her can all day, but you decided to aim higher for someone whose derriere is in the air!

Dear HDYTM advisor:

My wife and I have a little secret that we do not like to share with our neighbors in a very upscale neighborhood.   She and I are first cousins, and met at a family reunion when we were young.  We do not look alike, and our children seem fine except that Norland, my son, didn’t learn how to ride a bike until he was twelve.  Anyway, I am tempted whenever someone asks how we met to just say “None of your bee’s wax”, but my wife says this will keep her out of the nicer bridge club in town.  Can you come up with a compromise suggestion that will maintain our privacy while allowing us to advance socially?

Thank you,

C.J. “Neil” Mullens, Cape Girardeau, MO

Neil–

The stigma of “kissin’ counsins” has faded over time as scientific research has proven intermarriage to be no more harmful to a person’s well-being than smoking or car crashes.  Many of America’s most noteworthy citizens are the products of marriage between first cousins, including Claude Furman, a million-dollar-plus life insurance salemen for Mutual Assurance of Keokuk, and Marjene Wilbur, the “Poet Laureate of America’s House Pets”.

“I think that I shall never see–a snake as ugly as your dog.”

Tell your snooty friends that you were introduced by family members, and if they want more information they can go to the Bureau of Vital Statistics and pay 50 cents a page for photocopies like everybody else.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

In Bid to Burnish “Green” Legacy, Bush Uses Recycled Material in State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON, D.C.  In his final State of the Union address, President George W. Bush sought to establish his legacy as an environmentally-conscious leader by using recycled 4″ x 6″ note cards containing oral reports and speeches given by him and members of his family.  “This is my last one–I’m outta here,” Bush explained to the White House speechwriters’ pool.  “You guys can take the rest of the day off.”

“I’m not going to tell you how ‘David Copperfield’ ends, ’cause I want you to read the whole book.”

Bush used note cards from speeches he gave as a student at Doak Walker Junior High School in Midland, Texas, including a book report on Charles Dickens’ “David Copperfield” and “UFOs: Friends or Foes?”, an oral report he gave in a 9th grade Current Events class.

Doak Walker

Shifting gears to education, Bush used notes from a speech given by Laura Bush to promote a vacation reading program while employed at the Kashmere Gardens Branch of the Houston Public Library, entitled “Your Public Library: The Place to Stay Out of the Sun for Summer Fun!”.

“Take advantage of our summer specials–daily fines have been reduced from 3 to 2 cents.”

Focusing on the problem of substance abuse by America’s youth, Bush borrowed two essays by his daughters, ”Lessons Learned: Go First Class When Buying Fake IDs” by Jenna Bush and “Nolo Contendere: A Girl’s Best Friend” by Barbara Pierce Bush.  The two were charged with alcohol-related misdemeanors in 2001.

Helen Thomas

Bush’s decision to use recycled material was praised by members of the White House press corps, who must summarize the State of the Union address and file stories under tight deadlines.  “It’s a professional courtesy we really appreciate,” said UPI’s Helen Thomas, the senior member of the corps best known for her role in “Swamp Thing II”.  “We change the date from ‘2007′ to ‘2008′ and can be out of here in time to make last call at the National Press Club bar.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Moss Seeks Restraining Order Against Giants’ Secondary

GLENDALE, Arizona.  New England Patriots’ wide receiver Randy Moss today asked an Arizona state court to grant a temporary restraining order requiring the New York Giants’ safeties and cornerbacks to stay at least 500 feet away from him until the conclusion of Super Bowl XLII, and the judge assigned to the case took the request under advisement.

Schilling-Johnson Federal Courthouse, Glendale AZ

“The parties shall submit briefs in support of or in opposition to the motion by close of business Thursday,” said Superior Court Judge Thomas W. Twohig, “and I will issue my ruling on or before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, which is when 2-for-1 Chalupa Hour begins at Eddie’s Mexican Grille.”

“Just stay away, dig?”

Moss is himself the subject of a restraining order handed down by a court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which requires him to stay at least 500 feet from Rachelle Washington, a woman who both agree is a “longtime friend” of Moss.  “That’s just how folks relate down here,” said Eddie Jefferson, an acquaintance of the two.  “You get a TRO against me, and I get a preliminary injunction against you.  It’s kinda like WASPy women give each other hostess gifts after a party.”

“A permanent injunction?  You shouldn’t have!”

Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick said Washington’s restraining order would not affect the team’s game plan for the Super Bowl, the fourth in six years for the franchise.  “We’ll play a zone against her, which cuts out a lot of curl patterns,” he said, drawing a diagram on a white board behind him.  “If she tries to blackmail our wide receivers, we’ll run crossing patterns over the middle.”

Free the Chalupa 2!

Moss broke the NFL single-season mark of 22 touchdown catches in 2007, hauling in his record-breaking twenty-third score against the Giants in the final game of the season.  Moss complained about illegal contact by the Giants’ cornerbacks and safeties during the game, saying they cramped his style.  “I like a sleek, padless look for playoff games,” he said.  “They made me look slow until I burned them for the go-ahead score.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Shaq: Global Warming to Blame for Heat Losing Streak

MIAMI.  As Dorrell Wright threw the ball high into the air above the court at American Airlines Arena here following the Miami Heat’s 98-96 win over the Indiana Pacers Saturday, his teammates released an audible sigh of relief.

Wright:  “Whew–glad that’s over with.”

“I hope we never have to go through something like that again,” said Dwyane Wade, referring to the team’s fifteen-game losing streak, a franchise record.

Dwyane Wade:  Hobbled by a silent “y” in his first name.

“Don’t be so sure,” said Shaquille O’Neal, the team’s towering center who has been slowed by an inflammation in his hip.  “I think we’re in for changes of catastrophic proportions.”

O’Neal:  Low-post force, rapper extraordinaire, actor, and now environmental activist.

O’Neal is referring to global warming, which is expected to raise sea levels, contibute to aggravated psoriasis in housepets, and submerge sand-filled ashtrays in hotel lobbies throughout the Miami area.

“I don’t like to make excuses,” O’Neal said, “but me and my teammates have the hottest logo in the NBA, and it’s getting harder to compete with teams from Northern latitudes like the Timberwolves and the Trailblazers.”

Peter Jacobs, a reporter for NBA Today, pointed out that the gradual increase in the earth’s temperatures seems not to have affected the Phoenix Suns, whose nickname is derived directly from the luminous celestial body at the center of the solar system, and who are in first place in their division.  “They’re in the Western Conference,” O’Neal reminded him, “where certain guys think they’re so cool,” a veiled reference to his former teammate Kobe Bryant of the Lakers.

Cool!

Global warming is ranked as the number one threat to human civilization among college graduates, ahead of long lines in coffee shops and mismatched socks.  Among respondents with high school degrees, global warming slips to fifth place behind “Location of truck keys” and “Whose house we gonna watch the Super Bowl at?” among other concerns.

“No way–you didn’t call ‘Glass’!”

O’Neal, who has played on four NBA championship teams, has become increasingly restless watching his team flounder while he is confined to a starring role on the ABC TV show “Shaq’s Family Challenge”, a weight-loss reality show.  He turned his attention to environmental concerns after winning former vice president Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Workplace Advisor: The Perils of Office Romance

The perils of romance in the workplace are so widely known they are summed up by figures of speech familiar to us all: Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, don’t get your meat where you get your bread, don’t put your hand on Lurleen Wingo’s big . . . wait, that’s not a metaphor.

Your Workplace Advisor is here to help you navigate through the shoals and eddies of office romance, and make a safe landing on the dock of career success!

Dear Workplace Advisor:

A few months back I discovered that my husband “Bill” (real name: “William”) was involved in an intense intra-office flirting relationship with a woman named “Marci” (her real name, and she dots the “i” with a little smiley-face).  This included numerous emails, cell phone calls and text messages.  I confronted “Bill” about it and he says you’re making too big a deal out of this, she’s a direct-report to me, we are just trying to increase shareholder value, yadda yadda yadda.  I said okay, but your “efforts” had better be reflected in your bonus check because I wanna re-do the kitchen.

Well, come December, “Bill” gets a check for $300 and a calendar, whoop-de-do, so now I want to complain about Marci to the company president.  What do you think?

Eunice Wolff, Sepulveda, CA

Dear Eunice:

I think you are “barking up the wrong pant leg.”  The problem should be resolved by sending a memo to the Human Resources Department; make two copies for yourself, one for your alphabetical file and one for your “chron” (chronological) file.  Most presidents of big companies are too busy hitting on secretaries to handle complaints such as yours in an expeditious manner.

Dear Workplace Advisor:

My wife works at RayCo Rod and Reel, over on South 65.  She used to date Lloyd Dollinger in high school–he was tri-captain of the football team senior year–and now she has to work with him.  She says there is nothing going on between them, but Jim Ray Esdaile, a friend of mine, said he saw them talking in the light bulb aisle of the True Value Hardware Store while I was away last weekend at an all-night bass fishing tournament.

Workplace Advisor person, I got a hold of the Employee Manual for RayCo and it says they have a strict policy against fraternization, with an anonymous “hot line” to report violations.  Do you think I should “drop a dime” on Mr. Football Hero, or wait until I catch them in the act?

Vernon Muller, Chillicothe, MO

Dear Vernon:

I think your problem is semantic, not romantic.  “Fraternization” refers to relations between males, just as “sororitization” refers to friendships between females.  Unless and until your wife has a sex change operation and becomes involved with Lloyd, you have no grounds for complaint.

Dear Workplace Advisor:

My husband Earl has a boss who is really into “teambuilding”, and is always coming up with “extreme” activities such as whitewater rafting, rock climbing and karaoke to ”foster group cohesion”.  Or so Earl says–I think he makes some of this stuff up just so he can spend time with Judith Horning, who is the reigning Miss Divorced Rockingham County until next August, when a new one is chosen on the first day of the county fair.

I keep asking Earl how come I am not invited to any of these activities, and he says they are “employees only”.  Fine, I says, then I’m going out next time you have one, but when I pulled into the parking lot at the Highway 63 Bowl-a-Way the night of the company scavenger hunt, who did I see making out in the back seat of Earl’s car but Judith Horning!  With Earl, I should add.

Workplace Advisor, I do not think it is fair that spouses are excluded from so many of this company’s special events.  Is there any kind of law that protects innocent victims such as myself?

Amy Conroy, Plaistow, New Hampshire

Dear Amy:

I wish I could say that relief is on the way, but big business interests have kept the Spouses of Employees Right-to-Know Act bottled up in our do-nothing Congress for the past six years, thanks to high-powered Washington lobbyists who are thwarting the will of people such as yourself.  Until it passes you might try planting a concealed “global positioning” device in Earl’s car.  That way, he may be out of your sight, but if you need to find him and Judith, you’ll know just where to look.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

As Stakes Get Higher, Trash-Talking Infects Figure Skating

ST. PAUL, Minn.  As the U.S. Figure Skating Championships entered their final day, America’s hopes for the 2010 Winter Olympics soared on strong pairs performances by Keauna McLaughlin and Rockne Brubaker and a flawless short program by Mirai Nagasu to take the Senior Ladies title. 

Harding v. Kerrigan, 1994:  The high, or low, water mark of skating sportsgirlship. 

But underneath the piles of long-stemmed red roses and teddy bears that skating fans traditionally throw onto the ice after a high-scoring favorite finishes her routine, there were murmurs that the sport had taken a turn for the worse, as more competitors use “trash talking”, the verbal jousting common to pro basketball and football, in order to “psych out” their opponents.

“You skated beautifully–for someone who’s dressed like Tony the Tiger!”

“It really is sad,” said Dick Button, whose forty-five year career as a figure skating commentator for ABC Sports threatens to outlast some Christmas fruitcakes.  “Skating used to be a sport for ladies and gentlemen, now it’s one step above pro wrestling.”

Dick Button and Christmas fruitcake:  Which will last longer?

Trash-talking has increased as the stakes for amateur figure skaters have grown.  Where once a skater who won an Olympic gold medal could expect a lifetime of low income and little prestige as a member of a traveling “Smurfs on Ice” show, today’s champions can reap hundreds of thousands of dollars in commercial endorsements for soups and depillatories, in addition to a career performing as the Little Mermaid for Disney on Ice.

From Smurfs to the Little Mermaid: A big upgrade.

Trash-talking figure skaters tend to focus on their opponents’ costume selection and physical attributes, with a particular vindictiveness reserved for lapses in personal grooming. 

“Your ankles are fat!”

“Looks like someone forgot to shave her armpits!” Tiffany Vise said in a stage whisper directed at Keauna McLaughlin as the eventual pairs champion took the ice for her final program, causing her to miss her first salchow as she ran her hand discreetly down her bicep to check for telltale stubble.    

“Is Victoria’s Secret having an after-Christmas clearance?”

“Did you get that outfit at a white trash tag sale?” McLaughlin shot back as she entered the “Kiss ‘n Cry” area where skaters wait to hear their scores.  “Or did yo’ momma give it to you after she got off work at the Motel 6?”

Vise lunged at McLaughlin and the two had to be separated by officials, recalling the sport’s darkest moment, when supporters of Tonya Harding arranged for a tire-iron whack job on competitor Nancy Kerrigan.  “I thought those days were behind us,” Button said, shaking his head.  “If I wanted to see that kind of violence on ice, I’d watch hockey.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Patriots Leave for Super Bowl, Leaving Locals With Mess

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  Mary Pat Sheehan has lived in this community of 14,000 south of Boston her whole life, so she’s used to the media circus that comes to town whenever the New England Patriots advance to the Super Bowl.  “I can deal with the reporters taking up parking spaces downtown and cutting in line at the Dunkin’ Donuts,” she says.  “I just wish they’d learn to clean up after themselves.”

Downtown Foxborough, Massachusetts

Sheehan is referring to the practice by members of the national media to shorten the town’s name to “Foxboro” in stories they file for print and electronic outlets, leaving the streets littered with cast-aside U’s, G’s and H’s.  “It’s a matter of common courtesy, but the media big shots think they’re too important to bother,” she says.

Gillette Stadium

The cost of the clean-up is significant, straining the town’s budget and forcing cutbacks in services such as the local anti-smoking officer, Earl “Bud” Dailey.  “My job is to stand around downtown and yell at kids to stop smoking,” Dailey says.  “Due to budget cuts, I can only yell at half the kids, the others I just kinda scowl at.”

“Hey–half of you kids stop smoking!”

National reporters say they are being discriminated against since local newspapers such as the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald also shorten the town’s name, but Walter Endicott, assistant managing editor of the Globe, says the situation is more “nuanced” than that.  “We encourage our readers to recycle the extra letters on our puzzle page,” he says.  “With a U, a G and an H, if you need a three letter word for ‘wildebeest’ you’re two-thirds of the way there.”

Wildebeest:  “What’s gnu?”

It’s not just the extra letters, say concerned residents such as Marla Townsend, it’s also the over-the-top figures of speech that are thrown around during the two-week interval between the conference championships and the Super Bowl.  “I came out to get the paper one morning and there was an worn-out methaphor–’Brady is the Patriot’s arm’–on my lawn.  It was disgusting.”

Townsend, Sheehan and others like them aren’t just complaining, however, they’re taking action.  As the media buses roll out of the parking lot at Gillette Stadium today on their way to Logan Airport and flights to the Super Bowl in Glendale, Arizona, the women will be standing in silent protest along Route 1, holding signs to express their unhappiness. Their slogan:  “U-G-H spells ‘UGH’.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Belichick: If Brady Doesn’t Practice, He Won’t Play

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year’s NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.

Belichick:  “No single individual is more important than the team–except me, of course.”

Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers.  “A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends,” Belichick said in answer to a reporter’s question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment.  Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back ”Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936.”

Bronco Nagurski

Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice “bubble” next to Gillette Stadium.  “If Tom doesn’t play in two quarters of every game, he doesn’t get his football letter,” Belichick said.  “And he can’t put ‘Varsity Football, ‘08′ next to his name in the yearbook.”

 

Uh, looks okay now.

There is speculation among Brady’s teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field.  “Tom really needs a new letter jacket,” said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour.  “He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won’t give it back.”

 

“C’mon, give it back–it makes you look fat.”

Brady’s current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally “going steady” with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with “Tom” embroidered on the sleeve.  “I have told Tom to go to practice,” Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York.  “He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman