WASHINGTON, D.C. Congressman William Jefferson (D-La.) today filed Articles of Impeachment that would bring William Jefferson Clinton’s reign as first black president to an end, saying Clinton’s sharp criticism of Senator Barack Obama made him a traitor to his other race.
Jefferson: “Once he’s impeached, he goes back to being a full-time honky.”
While campaigning in support of his wife’s bid for the Democratic nomination, former President Clinton called Obama’s claim that he had opposed the war in Iraq a “fairy tale,” citing his own reputation for veracity. “If there’s anybody who ought to know a lie when he hears it,” Clinton said, “that would be me.”
Morrisson: “Okay, so I was wrong.”
The title of first black president was conferred upon Clinton by Toni Morrison, the winner of the 1993 Nobel Prize for Literature, in a 1998 article in The New Yorker. Morrisson based her claim on the facts that Clinton was raised by a single mother, played the saxophone and ate at McDonalds. Using Morrisson’s description, District of Columbia Police took Clinton into custody in connection with a number of unsolved armed robberies, but released him after Clinton performed in the style of Kenny G, his principal influence on the saxophone and the unhippest jazz musician alive.
Kenny G: The former president mistakenly identified him as a jazz musician.
Andrew Johnson
Clinton was impeached as white president by the House of Representative for perjury and obstruction of justice, but was acquitted by the Senate. If Jefferson’s move is successful, Clinton would become the first person to be impeached as both black and white presidents. The only other president to be impeached was Andrew Johnson, who was impeached twice as a white man and acquitted both times. Clinton was the first president to have an affair with a member of royalty, Monica Lewinsky, a Jewish-American princess.
“Ooo, I miss you so much!”
Jefferson has had legal problems of his own, as FBI agents raided his home in 2005 and discovered $90,000 in his freezer, wrapped in aluminum foil and stuffed inside frozen-food containers.
“I did not have sex with that crappie.”
Last summer Jefferson was indicted on sixteen corruption charges, which the former president said cast doubt on the congressman’s credibility. “What he did was wrong,” Clinton said. “If you’re going to store that much stuff in your freezer, it ought to be crappie,” a freshwater game fish that is common to the southern midwest.
Shalala: “You don’t get a body like this overnight–it takes years of neglect.”
Some political analysts trace Jefferson’s animus towards Clinton to the fact that the congressman had hoped to become the first black president, and to Clinton’s use of two names–William and Jefferson–that the Louisiana Democrat also uses. “During the Clinton presidency no one was allowed to call Jefferson by his name while Clinton was in the room,” notes Arnold Endicott, who is working on a tell-all biography of Donna Shalala, Clinton’s Secretary of Health and Human Services and personal trainer. “You could call him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Coach’ or something vague like that, but that was it.”
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
