Bush Bread ‘n Butter Gifts Bring Mideast Foes Together

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Bush’s week-long trip to the Mideast, judged an exercise in futility by many long-time observers of the troubled region, has scored an after-the-fact success with “bread and butter” gifts that the White House has sent to heads of state who hosted him.

“This is one bitchin’ sword, man!”

“We sent everybody gift packages from Pete’s Pork Palace in Midland, Texas,” said Assistant Press Secretary Thomas Nash, referring to a specialty food shop in the President’s boyhood home town.  “We understand that they’ve enabled people on both sides of the Arab-Israeli conflict to see that there’s more that unites them than divides them.”

“I got one Super Deluxe Pork Pak for each Middle Eastern sheik or whatever.”

The gift packages chosen by Bush included a variety of pork products, including bacon, pork chops, “bacon bits” salad garnish, ham salad and scrapple, a savory mush made from pork scraps, cornmeal and flour.  “Anybody who would turn up their nose at that selection just doesn’t like pork,” Bush said.

Scrapple:  You don’t want to know what goes into it.

Kosher dietary laws and the Koran forbid Jews and Muslims from eating pork, and political leaders who received the gifts expressed their disappointment at the President’s insensitivity to their cultural traditions.  “He could have sent us something from Brookstone, or maybe L.L. Bean,” said Yona Metger, chief rabbi of Jerusalem.  “I would feed this to my dogs, except they keep kosher too.”

“It says that Velma Jean to my left here has gained a lot of weight.”

“Bread and butter gifts” are presents given by American women, primarily in the South, to others who host parties or provide them with complimentary food or lodging.  The recipient of the gift is then required, on pain of social embarrassment, to send her guest a thank-you gift for the thank-you gift, setting off an infinite regression of expensive purchases that fuels a consumer-driven economy.

Arab and Israeli leaders said their mutual distaste for the presents was the spark that inspired them to meet for a cross-cultural meal of foods acceptable under the laws of both religions, and that there was hope for a negotiated settlement to the long-simmering conflicts as a result.  “It could have been worse,” said Egyptian President Hosi Mubarak.  “His father made us eat pork rinds.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman