Clinton: Obama Would Be “Absentee Smoker” President

WASHINGTON.  In a desperate bid to gain traction for next week’s do-or-die primaries in Texas and Ohio, Hillary Clinton today launched her toughest attack yet on Barack Obama saying her opponent would be an “absentee smoker” president who would spend much of his time hanging around White House entrances satisfying his nicotine cravings.

Obama: “You can tell her for me that I’m gonna smoke in the White House boy’s room too.”

“What if this country is attacked by some wacko Islamofascist terrorist–not that we shouldn’t respect their legitimate grievances–and Senator Obama is on the White House portico puffing away?” Clinton said.  “I have never smoked, although I have kissed someone who smoked but didn’t inhale.”

Clinton: “As junior class sergeant-at-arms, I am thoroughly disgusted to report that I noticed several students smoking this week.”

“Absentee smokers” are recognized by the U.S. Department of Labor as one of the leading impediments to service sector productivity.  An absentee smoker is a employee who has left his work station to indulge a cigarette, cigar or pipe habit outside a smoke-free environment.  “It’s not a big deal in most white collar positions such as nuclear reactor monitor, or dental receptionists,” says labor economist Myron Elias of New York University.  “When you get into the transportation sector, airline pilots and bus drivers should probably be hired from a non-smoking applicant pool.”

“Mike, you on that hot fuel rod?  Mike?  You there?”

Smoking is widely considered an unfashionable habit because of the adverse effects it has on the health of the smoker and those who inhale his or her exhaled “secondary” smoke.  Obama’s popularity has surged despite his tobacco use, with some poltical observers saying it may even have enhanced his image as his thin frame and mellifluous voice are byproducts of his cigarette habit.  “This could represent a watershed moment in American politics,” said Kyle Browne, a pollster who has worked for Democratic candidates across the country.  “Who would you rather hang out with–the cool guys who lean against their cars and smoke during free periods or some goody-goody who volunteers to stay after school and bang the blackboard erasers?”

“Can we please clean the blackboards, Sister Agnesita?” 

Senator Obama is said to be considering a proposed plank to the Democratic Party’s platform that would recognize smoking as an essential element of entitlement reform.  “Smoking can be used to cut the deficit by reducing Social Security payouts,” reads draft text that is circulating among Obama’s circle of advisors.  “It should be encouraged along with skydiving, cycling without a helmet and other forms of worthwhile but risky recreation.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Teenage Boys Storm Victoria’s Secret to Protest CEOs “Too Sexy” Comment

COLUMBUS, Ohio.  Angry crowds of teenage boys descended on Victoria’s Secret headquarters here today in an effort to persuade the lingerie company to retain its current “too sexy” image, which the company has indicated it may drop.

“You’ll take my catalog away from me when you pry my cold, dead, slippery fingers off of it!”

“That is just totally insane,” said Adam Feldman, a sophomore at Bernie Kosar High School.  “Saying something is ‘too sexy’ is like saying ‘I have too much money’–it doesn’t make sense.”

Pouty model:  Why the long face?

The youths were reacting to comments by current CEO Sharen Turney that the company, which distributes free catalogs of buxom models wearing nothing but pouty expressions and its revealing underwear, had grown “too sexy” and had “forgotten the ultra feminine.”  “We did a survey of elderly Trappist monks and determined that 18% preferred women in flannel nightgowns, 27% preferred seed catalogs, and 62% didn’t understand the question,” Turney said at a news conference to discuss fourth quarter earnings.  When a reporter pointed out that this added up to more 100%, Turney said “You’ll have to check with accounting–I don’t answer mathematical questions.”

Children’s Crusade

Youth protest has a long and honorable history in Western civilization dating back to the Children’s Crusade of 1212, in which hordes of young people marched to the Holy Land seeking scarce Nintendo MCCXII Boxes, a precursor to the video games of today.  When the crusaders reached Jerusalem and discovered that local “Toys Art I and Thou” stores had sold out, they stormed a convent in what is believed to be the first panty raid in history.

Lanz nightgown:  Very sexy, if you don’t like sex.

Victoria’s Secret designers are said to be secluded in a top-secret “skunk works” design bunker in a Presbyterian church basement in Needham, Massachusetts, where they are working on next season’s line by tracing selections from a Lanz Nightgown catalog.  “Lanz has the most erotically-repellent sleepwear on the market today,” said Dianne von de Velde, a reporter for Women’s Wear Daily.  “They’re used in third world countries to control the population.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

As Cellphone Ban Advances, Yakkers Fight Back

BOSTON.  A bill that would make it illegal to use a cell phone while driving cleared a major hurdle here yesterday, causing opponents to jettison their strategy of lobbying legislators and focus instead on weighing the proposed law down with amendments to attract others to their cause.

“I’ll have to call you back–I just crushed a Prius like a bug!”

“It turns out cell phone users aren’t as popular as they think,” said Ted Crowley of Beacon Hill Strategies, a lobbying firm.  “There’s been a backlash from people who don’t want to hear you break up with your girlfriend while they’re having breakfast at McDonald’s.”

The safe way to eat while driving.

Crowley’s approach is to expand the bill to reach drivers with other dangerous habits, and legislators say they’re receptive to the message that our highways are more dangerous because of Americans’ tendency to “multitask”.

“I looked at the statistics on banana eaters and they’re really scary,” says first-term representative Holly Ross of Amherst, Mass.  “If people don’t like those stringy things, there is a 70% chance they will cause personal or property damage trying to peel them off while driving.”

Slim Whitman 3 CD Set:  Hidden killer that is unfortunately not also a silent killer.

Another “hidden killer” is three-CD “greatest hits” collections of obscure recording artists sold on late-night cable TV, according to Jeffret Freedman, a statistician with the National Transit Safety Board with too much time on his hands.  “If you like music that’s popular, you can push the ’scan’ button on your car radio and eventually find something to listen to,” he notes as he opens a plastic “jewel box” containing a greatest hits collection.  “If you’re a fan of Slim Whitman, you have to buy these cumbersome multi-CD sets, which are hazardous to open when you’re going 85 miles an hour.”

You try putting these on under a seatbelt.

Opponents say their biggest target is women running late to work, who must frequently put on panty hose while complying with mandatory seat belt laws.  “I preach safety first to my kids,” says Marci Erickson of Upper Newton Lower Falls, Mass., ”but after I drop them off at school I sometimes kick my shoes off and pull on panty hose while cutting across three lanes of traffic.”  Isn’t that dangerous, a reporter asks.  “Not if I finish my latte first.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Fighting Rumors, Obama Releases Info on His Religion

CHICAGO.  Fighting persistent rumors on the Internet that he is a Muslim, Illinois Senator Barack Obama today released information on the United Church of Christ, the Protestant denomination of which he is a member.

“We want to set the record straight,” said fellow Illinois Senator Dick Durbin, co-chairman of Obama’s national campaign.  “Barack is not a member of a religion that produces suicide bombers.  He is a member of the ‘Party Church’–the UCC.”

Swinging teen dances!

Durbin handed out pamphlets listing the “Top 10 Reasons to Check Out the UCC”, which appears on the church’s website, http://www.ucc.org/.  Reason 3, “Party” Church, states that “God is having a party and we are all invited,” while Reason 6 states that “God can blow the lid off any box, unfold it and turn it into a dance floor.”  UCC congregations have a long tradition of sponsoring teen dances in church basements, and Obama has credited early exposure to The Twist and The Pony at such affairs as the source of his remarkable ability to mesmerize youthful admirers.

Heel-toe, heel-toe, step, step.

“Once you’ve stared down a thirteen year-old girl in a tight sweater at one of these affairs, you’re ready to stand toe-to-toe with America’s enemies abroad,” Durbin said, countering charges that Obama lacks foreign policy experience. 

The UCC traces its lineage to the 16th century although its web site states that it was founded in 1957, a mathematical error that Republicans seized on as evidence of Obama’s lack of financial acumen.  “So we’re off by 400 years,” Durbin responded.  “That’s a rounding error for an institution like Congress, where you’re responsible for wasting billions of dollars every day.”

Church keys of various denominations.

The late 50’s origins of the church are viewed as the source of its obsession with the social skills of teenagers.  “That was a critical period in the history of Christianity,” says Allen Gowell of the University of Chicago Divinity School.  “Pop-top cans had not yet been developed, so there was a lot of joking about ‘church keys’ at basement sock-hops.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Hurting Matthews Says Obama “Didn’t Respect Me in the Morning”

WASHINGTON.  Talk show host Chris Matthews today informed MSNBC officials he will be out for the rest of the week to recover from a romantic encounter with Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama that ended badly.  “He said he’d respect me in the morning,” Matthews said.  “The next day he barely said ‘Hi’ to me in the halls” of Congress.

 

Matthews:  “I can’t help myself–I love the guy.”

Matthews, a seasoned political observer with a straight-shooting style reflected in the name of his show–”Hardball”–reported to his audience that he “felt this thrill going up my leg” while listening to a speech by the Illinois Senator.  “I mean, I don’t have that too often–not since the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance my junior year at La Salle College High School.” 

Cynical Washington press corps:  “There’s Barack!”

Matthews is the first member of the Washington press corps to be dumped by the Democratic front-runner, and the former speechwriter for President Jimmy Carter said he would warn other reporters that Obama is “trouble”.  “What did I do to deserve to be treated like this?” Matthews asked as he sat by the phone in his dressing room, his hair up in curlers, wiping tears from his eyes as he waited for Obama to call.

“I’m a wreck right now.  I need some chocolate.”

Matthews has been accused of bias against Hillary Clinton, Obama’s lone remaining rival for the Democratic nomination, by liberal watchdog group Media Matters for America. 

 

“Yoo hoo, Barack!  See you in Social Studies, okay?”

After the former First Lady won the New Hampshire Matthews grudgingly admitted that he had underestimated Clinton, but predicted in the end his instincts would be proven correct.  “We’ll see whose yearbook he signs–hers or mine.” 

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Colleges Step Up Recruiting For Top Campus Tour Guides

ABILENE, Texas.  Ryan Simmons is, to all appearances, a slightly scrawny high school senior with no particular athletic ability, but he’s drawing attention from top colleges across the country as recruiting season swings into high gear.  “I don’t know what it is,” says his mother, Pearl, a municipal employee.  “He was drum major for the marching band all four years, so he never even put on a jock strap outside of gym class.”

Simmons:  “Over there’s the Science Building, and behind me is Greek row.”

Ryan has a talent that is prized by college admissions officers–the ability to walk backwards in a straight line at a regular pace while avoiding people, plants and inanimate objects and talking at the same time.  “Ryan will probably end up at a big school like Alabama or Michigan,” says Jim Stampfeld, a writer who follows the college recruiting scene, “but he can basically write his ticket wherever he goes.”

“Take the steps one at a time so you don’t trip you clumsy doofuses.”

Ryan is projected as a freshman starter for the tour guide squad at whatever school he attends, as colleges find that a fast first step backwards and an ability to climb stone steps in reverse are critical factors in luring impressionable high school students and their parents to a campus.  “I couldn’t believe that guy,” says Mykal Woods, a senior at Forest Park High School in St. Louis about James “D Train” Glenn, a consensus All-American tour guide at the University of Kentucky.  “He said he’d take one more question about the Student Union, he answered it with one word and he was gone” down a brick pathway that leads to Rupp Gymnasium.

“You think you can beat me in one-on-one coverage?  Just try it.”

Amanda Weiss-Web of Brandeis University is representative of a new breed of campus tour guide who has used weight training and off-season conditioning to turn herself from a walk-on her freshman year to a potential lottery pick when museums and art galleries tap top college backpedallers on Draft Day ‘08.  “Last summer I did everything backwards,” she says.  “Ate dessert first, broke up with a guy before I slept with him, the whole nine yards.”  The only knock against her is a tendency to draw illegal contact penalties in passing situations.  “When it’s near the end of the tour and kids make a run for the bookstore to buy sweatshirts, she’ll bump them at the line of scrimmage,” says Al Groe, head scout for the Whitney Museum in New York.  “She needs to learn to release and talk to the parents.  They’re the ones who write the big checks.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Obama Retaliates for “Turban” Picture With “Four-Eyes” Photos of Clinton

WASHINGTON.  Democratic presidential front-runner Barack Obama today retaliated against his rival Hillary Clinton for circulating a photo of him wearing a turban, posting photographs of the former First Lady wearing thick eyeglasses on his campaign website. 

“I don’t see anything wrong with these glasses!”

“We are giving the American people a clear choice,” said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, “between a guy who may wear a funny hat to make people in a Third World country feel comfortable, and a woman who is not fit to appear on a postage stamp, much less American currency.”

“Thanks, but pink doesn’t look good on me.”

The offending photo was taken in 2006 when Senator Obama was visiting Kenya, the birthplace of his estranged father.  The picture was posted on The Drudge Report news site yesterday, but Clinton officials denied that it had been sent by anyone employed by the campaign.  “I suppose it depends on what the meaning of ‘is employed’ is,” said Maggie Williams, Clinton’s campaign manager.

Clinton told reporters she was “outraged” that Obama had resorted to “the politics of personal destruction” by posting the unflattering pictures of her.  “When I was younger, I didn’t pluck my eyebrows or use hair conditioner, but I’ve changed,” she said in an emotional voice.  “Senator Obama, on the other hand, has never done anything about his goofy-looking ears, which stick out like taxi-cab doors.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Pre-Natal League a Hit With Hockey Moms-to-Be

MEDFORD, Mass.   Peggy and Dave Finnerty admit they’re hockey nuts, having spent countless hours carting their two sons to games at the break of dawn.  “It’s what we love to do,” says Peggy, who sports a Boston Bruins scrunchy around her pony tail as she watches a practice at Anthony LoConte Rink in this blue-collar suburb.

“I’m five, but I’ve been playing for six years.”

Peggy is expecting, and the Finnertys are doing everything they can to make sure their newest child gets a head start in the highly competitive world of youth hockey.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, Peggy straps on her pads and takes to the ice with other pregnant women in what is believed to be the world’s first pre-natal hockey league.

“We figure if we can give our kid an extra nine months of ice time, it will pay off when tryouts for the travel team roll around in a couple of years,” says Dave, who played goalie for Bridgewater-Raynham High School.  “You want to be prepared for those drills where they skate around the orange traffic cones.”

The parental urge to impart skills to offspring still in the womb began with the “Baby Mozart” movement a few years back.  Researchers claimed that children exposed to classical music during their mothers’ pregnancies had higher IQs than those whose parents listened to heavy metal and hard rock.   Zell Miller, then-governor of Georgia, sponsored legislation to give classical music to every expectant mother in the state, but the program was cancelled when numerous couples tried to exchange the cassettes for Shania Twain tapes.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Shania Twain:  He does spend more time on his hair.

Pediatricians are skeptical that pre-natal hockey does much to produce future Bobby Orrs.  “Hockey requires a high degree of hand-eye coordination that you won’t get just bouncing around in your mother’s amniotic fluid,” said Dr. Pamela Wysbard of the Brigham & Women’s Hospital in Boston.  Wysbard said the possibility of injury to the fetus greatly outweighed any benefit that pre-natal hockey could produce.  ”We discourage women from checking while pregnant, unless you’re in a neutral-zone trap.  There’s too much risk of a penalty, and then the other team gets a power play.”

“Deke him, Kyle!”

But Dave Finnerty isn’t buying it.  “Last year Kyle, our 12-year old, got to the state finals and we lost in overtime when a kid from Melrose blew by him on a breakaway.  That never woulda happened if he’d been out there with his mom before he was born,” Finnerty claims.

And how old was Kyle when he began playing hockey?  “Four,” Finnerty says ruefully.  “He got a late start.” 

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Clintons Consider Divorce as Obama’s Streak Continues

AUSTIN, Texas.  With her back to the wall following Barack Obama’s tenth consecutive primary victory, Hillary Rodham Clinton huddled with top advisors today to consider what she has always held in reserve as her “nuclear option”, to be used only in a last-ditch effort to win the Democratic Party nomination–divorce from Bill Clinton, her husband of three decades, who some say is acting as a drag on her campaign.

“Ooo–I’m gonna miss you so much!”

“It’s a tough decision but one I’ve encouraged her to make,” the former president said as he looked through brochures for Mexican seaside resorts and a map of the continental United States showing locations of “Hooters” franchises, the “delightfully tacky yet unrefined” restaurant that caters to single males.

“Clinton, party of one!”

Exit polling in Wisconsin following yesterday’s primaries there indicated that Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) widened his lead over Clinton in all categories except women over the age of fifty whose husbands have hit on employees, including babysitters.  “It’s turning into a rout,” says Charles Cox, a political analyst who writes for MNSBC.com.  “Obama scored big among left-handed Lithuanian landladies, cross-dressing Western Conference point guards and exiled African dictators with psoriasis.”

Wax statue of Senator Clinton on display at Madame Tussaud’s, London.

Clinton’s last, best hope appears to be so-called “super-delegates”, Democratic Party officials who are entitled to vote at the party’s convention in Denver this summer because they possess X-ray vision or the ability to crush lumps of coal into diamonds. “Both are fairly cool powers,” says Ray J. Hammond, a super-delegate from Springfield, Missouri.  “You can see through a woman’s dress, then if she’s really bodacious you take some coal and make her a diamond ring.” 

“I can’t believe she’s wearing Spiderman underpants.”

For his part, Senator Obama said he saw his opponent’s ploy as a move of desperation, and didn’t plan to respond in kind.  “The Clintons marriage has always been about politics, not love,” he said as he gazed adoringly into the eyes of his wife Michelle, who has publicly criticized her husband’s habits such as snoring. 

 

“I love you too, but I wish you wouldn’t refer to me as ‘Shrek’.”

“If we ever get divorced it will be for the right reason, like some damn fool thing she says in front of twenty thousand people at a campaign rally.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

NBA Pushes for Tattoo Cap, Players Association Resists

NEW YORK.  Encouraged by the success of its business-casual dress code in reforming the league’s “hip-hop” image, NBA officials today announced that they will push for a “tattoo cap” when the current collective bargaining agreement expires at the end of the 2011 season.

Stern: “A tasteful ‘Mom’ on your bicep will not count against the cap.”

“We feel it is important that our players not scare the bejesus out of affluent demographic groups with gangsta-style tattoos,” David Stern said at a press conference here today.  “Otherwise we might as well name the next two expansion franchises the ‘Crips’ and the ‘Bloods’,” he added, showing off his “street cred” to the admiration of NBA beat reporters.

“This kid’s got a lot of heart, and a lot of epidermis.”

Under the proposed cap, teams would be limited to a total tattoo coverage of 61% of the upper arms and necks of players on their twelve-man rosters.  Teams could free up cap space by trading a power forward from an “urban” school for a shooting guard from Brigham Young or a flat-footed center from Gonzaga.

Seattle SuperSonics’ owners: ”Well, there was this girl named ‘Tina’ . . .” 

Player representatives reacted angrily to the proposal.  Mark Madsden of the Timberwolves said he wanted to see the bodies of NBA owners in the showers before agreeing to any cap.  “Some of these guys may have ‘Semper Fi’ on their butts.  Let them drop their pants and show the players what they got.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman