New York Governor to Expand Office of Consumer Affairs

ALBANY, New York.  In his first day on the job as Governor of New York, David Paterson promised to expand the state’s Office of Consumer Affairs saying he wanted to “serve all of the people of the Empire State, regardless of whether I’ve had an affair with them before.”

“How do you say ‘menage a trois’ in braille?”

In an unprecedented maiden press conference, Paterson admitted that he had numerous extramarital affairs during his term as Lieutenant Governor, including one with a state employee, and was clearing the air in order to avoid being blackmailed.  “Like everyone, I have done things in the past–which is the best place to do them if you’re going to get caught–that I now regret,” Paterson said.  “In retrospect, I should not have gotten it on with that toll taker on the Triborough Bridge or the female trustees of SUNY-Albany.”

“Perhaps if I had porked the Chancellor at SUNY-Binghampton, I’d still be governor.”

Paterson’s elevation from the position of Lieutenant Governor followed the resignation of Eliot Spitzer after the crusading former governor was accused of spending $80,000 on prostitutes.  “It’s really unprecedented for a governor to admit to sexual misconduct on his first day in office,” said Mel Chertoff, long-time political reporter for the Albany Herald.  “Usually you want to get settled in, find the men’s room, have a cup of coffee and so on.”

“Really?  You think I’m gorgeous?”

Paterson emphasized that no state funds were used to wine and dine a state Highway Patrol officer with whom he carried on a torrid affair after she cited him for jaywalking on the New York State Thruway.  “What can I say,” said Paterson, who is legally blind.  “It was love at first sight.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman