Abstinence Ed Foes Find New Ally in Teenage Boys

WASHINGTON.  Health groups who appeared before Congress yesterday to testify against funding for abstinence-only sex education found themselves with new allies as they emerged into the spring sunlight on the steps of Capitol Hill–the American Association of Teenage Horndogs, a trade association whose members are composed largely of high school “makeout-artists” opposed to restrictions on heavy petting.

“I never had any problem getting boys to stop at first base.”

“The right to petition government for redress of grievances is right there in the Constitution, which we studied in eighth grade,” said Alan Wertheimer of Lou Brock High School in St. Louis.  “We support the American Academy of Pediatrics and other healthcare organizations who are the doing the heavy lifting on the crucial issue of backseat nookie.”

“Are you sure this is an approved senior project?”

The primary supporters of abstinence-only sex education classes are Republicans who have sex with their spouses less than once a week, according to Roll Call, a Washington publication that covers Congressional voting patterns. 

Washington Wizards Dance Team:  “You’re right, they do look like interns.” 

Democrats have failed to cut off funding for such programs because they frequently miss quorum calls due to illicit affairs with aides, constituents and the Washington Wizards dance team.  Young Republicans are required to take an oath of chastity when they join the organization, which seeks to restore a Nixon-Eisenhower monarchy in America.

David Eisenhower, Julie Nixon Eisonhower:  Heir and heiress to the throne.

Abstinence-only education is normally taught in four segments of increasing difficulty over the course of a student’s progress through high school.  One popular set of textbooks by the McGuire-Hillman Publishing Company features textbooks titled “Stopping at First!” for freshmen, “Also Stopping at Second!” for sophomores, “I Told You to Stop at Second!” for juniors, and “Whoa–Pull Out Now!” for seniors.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman