ST. PETERSBURG, Florida. As the New York Yankees slipped into last place following a 5-2 loss to the first-place Tampa Bay Rays last night, Yankees’ senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner said he would petition baseball commissioner Bud Selig to break up the Rays, a team he says is ruining the game through its dominance.
Steinbrenner: “It’s getting out of hand.”
“Do we want to end up like one of those lopsided college football rivalries where Podunk State thinks it’s a big deal to beat Nebraska twice a century?” Steinbrenner asked as he kicked a stray dog and refused to sign an autograph for Timmy Salmon, a ten year-old Tampa Bay fan who dreams of working in sports management some day. “I don’t think so, and I don’t think the American people think I think so either.”
Kazmir: “The Yankees? I get up for them by watching tapes of high school girls softball games.”
The Rays took three of four games from New York, causing Steinbrenner to call a team meeting at which he bit the head off a live squirrel to demonstrate the sort of toughness he expects from his squad, which has the highest payroll among major league baseball teams and Fortune 100 manufacturers. “This place looks like the waiting room of a god-damned geriatric clinic,” Steinbrenner said, referring to the injuries that have crippled the Bronx Bombers in the early goings. “If you can’t suck it up and get over your testicular anemia, maybe I’ll send you back down to Wilkes-Barre,” where New York’s Triple-A affiliate is located.
Selig: “Dear Lord, please let the Brewers sweep the Red Sox in inter-league play.”
As commissioner of baseball, Selig has broad powers to take action he deems in the best interests of the game, subject to limits imposed by the collective bargaining agreement with players. “He can require players to shoot up steroids out of view of fans, for example,” says sportswriter Neil Kinnel of the Bergen County Register, who covers the Yankees. “Or he could make Bartolo Colon lay off the Twinkies.”
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
