NEW YORK. Following revelations this morning by ESPN that iPods owned by both LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony contained songs by Barry Manilow, the schlock-rock singer whose music is favored by lonely girls with two cats, NBA Commissioner ordered a full investigation into possible contamination of other professional basketball players’ musical tastes.
Anthony and James: “You know what song is really cool? ‘Mandy’.”
“I am empowered to do whatever is in the best interests of the game as long as it doesn’t require a crackdown on illegal drug use or multiple illegitimate children,” Stern said in a prepared statement, after which he took no questions from assembled sports journalists and Borscht Belt music writers. “The NBA survived the Rudy Tomjanovich-Kermit Washington dust-up–we’ll get through this crisis.”
Kenny Loggins
Unnamed sources have suggested that Cleveland Cavalier Ben Wallace’s iPod may include a number of songs by ”yacht rocker” Kenny Loggins, and that Stephon Marbury, the troubled New York Knick guard, may have a special playlist devoted exclusively to Michael Bolton, the King of Blue-Eyed-Soul-With-Receding-Hairline.
Bolton: “What can I say–black guys dig me.”
The NBA Players Association threatened to file a grievance with the appropriate regulatory authority, whatever it may be, to protect players’ privacy. “If a black guy digs Jackson Browne, that’s his business,” said NBPA executive director William Hunter. “I wouldn’t want to hang with him–his refrigerator is probably full of chardonnay.”
Jackson Browne: World’s oldest sensitive young man.
Manilow got his start accompanying Bette Midler on the piano in the 1970’s when she performed in New York’s gay bathhouses. “I don’t hold that against him,” said Anthony. “Lot of guys sing in the shower.”
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
