HOUSTON. Mission managers for the International Space Station today decided to push its landing date ahead by two days until Tuesday of next week after missing the cable guy who showed up today while astronauts were out on a space walk.
“They told us they’d be here between 8 a.m. Eastern time and 2 p.m. Western time,” said astronaut Sandra Magnus, “but I had to get the mail and the cat got out, so I missed them.”
ISS UPA: “This wine has a nice nose, bodacious legs and musky armpits.”
The international space station is a research facility in low orbit around the earth that can be seen with the naked eye. It is a joint project among the United States, Russia, Japan, Canada and eleven European countries who were tricked into thinking liquid dispensed from its urine processor assembly is white wine with a bold, fruity body, an oaken finish and overtones of old cigar boxes.
Loretta Young: “Am I allowed to say ‘booger’ on network television?”
Without cable service, astronauts aboard the space station have been forced to subsist on radio-wave remnants of network television shows from the 1950s, including the Loretta Young Show, the Andy Devine Show, and Your Show of Shows. When cable installation is complete, the astronauts will be able to perform experiments testing the limits of human boredom using sports talk shows on ESPN.
Andy Devine: “I’m just a country boy from East Sedalia . . .”
Cable television was originally devised to bring signals to remote areas, but its reach expanded when the Home Shopping Network discovered its capacity for selling Hummel figurines and cubic zirconium jewelry to the sick and shut-in.
“I was here–where were you?”
Universal cable service is expected to be available in 2011 when the eastern and southern hemispheres of the earth are wired, assuming residents remain home from February of 2009 to December of 2010.
