Nine Hot Jobs for ‘09

Unemployment is up, which means more competition for jobs found through traditional sources such as want ads.  Here are some little-known professions that economists predict will experience high wage levels and robust growth in the next few years.

            Salmon Counselor.  These tasty fish swim upstream to spawn, but don’t really know why.  “‘What’s it all about? and ‘Is that all there is?’ are questions we hear all the time,” says Washington State Fish and Game Warden Jim Visbeck.  “I haven’t got time to serve as psychoanalyst to a bunch of neurotic fish who are going to end up as $18 entrées in a couple of months anyway.”  As a result, his department will add five salmon counselors this fall, and at least that many next year.  Academic requirement:  Bachelor’s degree in psychology or wildlife management; must pass swim test.  Starting salary:  $40,000.

            Gondolier Cabbie.  Global warming is already causing sea levels to rise around major East Coast cities such as New York, Boston and Philadelphia.  The streets are paved with water in many downtown business districts, making boxy yellow motor vehicles unsuitable for use as taxis.  Department of Labor analyst Myron Simpson says cabbies will have to be retrained to work in the style of Venetian gondoliers as they convert to the picturesque Italian water shuttles.  “Instead of ‘How ’bout those Knicks?’, we are helping them develop a new vocabulary, like ‘How ’bout those Fortitudo Bolognas?’”  he says. Academic requirement: High school diploma or GED, plus driver’s test.  Starting salary:  Varies, but includes lousy tips from out-of-towners.

“How ’bout a little menage a quatorze?”

            Worm Sexer.  Worms have historically reproduced asexually, but exposure to nuclear radiation in the wake of the nuclear accident at Chernobyl has caused many Russian worms to shift to the style familiar to viewers of “Desperate Housewives”.  Scientists predict that once other worms discover the joy of heterosexuality, they will all switch, opening up a new job category that never existed before.  “If you’re going to have boy and girl worms, somebody has got to be able to tell them apart,” says Department of Labor economist Ellen Wilton.  “Why?” she is asked.  “I don’t think I should use a naughty word on the Internet,” she says as she blushes.  Academic requirement:  Bachelor’s degree in biology; including satisfactory completion of dissection lab.  Starting salary: $35,000, plus all the dirt you can eat.

“My guy is not gonna be pushed around by some 42 year-old shift manager at Hardee’s.”

            Fantasy Football Agent.  With the growth of fantasy football leagues, many NFL players now realize they are losing out on revenue opportunities.  “You can expect to see the first fantasy Drew Rosenhaus in the summer of ‘07,” says analyst Ron Courier.  “Players don’t want to risk a career-ending fantasy injury when they’re not getting paid by the geeks who spend their lives playing fantasy football, and are likely to hold out for more money.”  Academic requirement:  None.  Starting salary:  $60,000, but payable solely in “fantasy” currency.

            Carp Catcher.  Japanese carp were brought to the U.S. in the ’70’s to control unwanted vegetation in fishing ponds.  They escaped into the Missouri and Mississippi rivers, where they leap from the water if disturbed by the sound of outboard motors.  “Either that, or they smell the Stuckey’s peanut brittle a lot of fishermen bring along as snacks,” says Leon Oehrke, a retired sheet metal worker who spends much of his time fishing.  To ensure the safety of vacationers who take rides on large pleasure boats such as the Larry Don and the Mark Twain, cruise companies say they need to hire from five to eight carp catchers per outing.  “There is nothing that will ruin a romantic dinner cruise like having a fish fly into your lap,” says Jean Marie Wingo, a waitress on the Larry Don, “unless you ordered the Catfish Basket.”  Academic requirement:  None.  Starting salary, $12,500 per season (April-September), or $25 per carp caught on a piecework basis.  Lunch and dinner included, $10 limit per meal.

            Ear and Nose Hair Barber.  The baby-boomers are entering their golden years, and hairs are starting to sprout from the noses and ears of the male members of the generation that invented sex, took psychedelic drugs and is still hanging on to their Iron Butterfly albums. “Taken on an ear-by-ear/nose-by-nose basis, these jobs are too small for a full-time chair in a barber shop,” says Department of Labor economist  Philip Sterling.  “But you could do a brisk business going house-to-house on a day-to-day basis,” he noted before running out of hyphens.  Academic requirement:  Six-month course at accredited barber college or school of cosmetology.  Starting salary: Variable, but successful applicants can use clippings as pillow ticking or stuffing for sofa cushions.

“Hey wait–Dukes of Hazzard is on tonight!”

            Satellite Dish Repo Man.  At one time one of the most popular means of enhancing television reception in remote areas, satellite dishes have fallen from favor as cable TV has expanded to reach nearly every US home.  Payments of installments due on such devices that were sold on credit are increasingly late, leading the Bureau of Labor Statistics to predict foreclosures on a scale unseen since the Dust Bowl in the 1930’s.  “Somebody’s going to have to go out and rip those suckers off of mobile homes from North Carolina to Arkansas,” says Evan Ewing III, a junior economic analyst at the U.S. Department of Commerce. “It sure as hell won’t be me.”

“He just loves the beach!”

           Komodo Dragon Walker.  This increasingly popular pet needs fresh air and sunshine just as much as French poodles and cocker spaniels, and yet professional dog walkers are reluctant to take them on as clients.  “For some reason every time I bring a six-foot, three-hundred pound Komodo Dragon along we end up losing one of the little dogs,” says Cheryl Anne Salerno, owner of Tails in the Wind, a Newton, Mass., dog-walking service.  “And I never even let them off the leash.”

Academic requirement: None.  Dress code: Chain saw chaps recommended.  Starting salary: High five figures, plus all the Harz Mountain Lizard Mix you can eat.

“Unh–can’t–move it!”

          Computer mouse crud remover.  U.S. productivity has declined dramatically as American service workers gum up their computer mouses by running them over Cheese Doodle lint and honey-roast peanut husks.  “People used to take care of their mouses, or mice, back when they were glad not to have to tab for thirty seconds just to get out of a document and check their email,” says Lyman Waxman, a sales technician at CompuDork in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  “Now that they’re commonplace–the mice, not the people–it’s like the chick or the rabbit you get for Easter and take to the animal shelter by Memorial Day.”

Academic requirement:  Bachelor’s degree in computer science or information technology.  Dress code:  “Dweeb chic”.  Starting salary:  Minimum wage–there’s a guy in Bangalore who’ll do this for five rupees a day and a dish of curry.