MIAMI, Florida. Final BCS rankings released today placed North Korea, a Communist dictatorship, ahead of Oklahoma and Florida based on the complicated system adopted in 1998 to decide college football’s national champion.
Kim Jong-il: After the game, time to relax.
“I’m shocked,” said Florida head coach Urban Meyer, whose team defeated Oklahoma 24-14 for what they thought at the time was the national championship. “I thought North Korea was in the Football Championship Subdivision.”
Meyer: “If he threatens to eat your dog, just ignore him.”
Hwang Jang-yop, press secretary for the Worker’s Party of Korea, applauded his country’s achievement. “Sun of the Nation and Mankind, Kim Jong-Il, has again scored immortal exploits for the Party, the Revolution and the People, achieving a quarterback rating of 2,013.06,” he said to reporters by conference call from Pyongyang. The NCAA’s quarterback ratings are based on a quadratic equation, which Koreans, unlike Americans, are trained to understand.
Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops: “Kim Jong-il? Look at his goofy hair!”
The BCS formula uses two “human” polls, along with six computer rankings, to determine the best team in the country. The computers consider a number of statistical factors, including won-loss record, strength of schedule, miles per gallon (highway) and “good” cholesterol.
“Fair catch!”
North Korea has never been considered a football power in the past, but under an agreement reached during the second Clinton administration, it received credit for removing 8,000 fuel rods from a nuclear reactor. When the last of that material was disposed of over the Christmas holiday weekend, North Korea moved into second place in the BCS rankings. Last night, it redeemed a Domino’s discount pizza coupon, pushing it into first place.
Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops complained that the coupon had expired in the Asian time zone where North Korea is located, but Communist party officials there pointed out that it was still valid in the U.S.
“Really? You think I’m better?”
“This is so much whining on the part of the enemies of the people,” Hwang Jang-yop said over the squawk box. “Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il’s open-field running makes Florida’s Mr. Tim Tebow look like a little girl in a Punt, Pass & Kick competition.”
January 9, 2009 at 4:34 pm |
Whilst the Dear Leader Kim Jong Il is justifiably proud of his current squad’s efforts, many old timers wonder what the Great Leader Kim Il Sung would have made of contemporary football. Several retired North Korean coaches, while admiring the athleticism of the modern day game, also bemoaned the lack of heart shown by certain players, who seem more interested in competing against each other for the right not to have multi-million dollar capitalist pig-dog contracts.
One coach remarked wistfully ‘Back in my day, we didn’t have helmets. Heck, we didn’t even have food’.
Meanwhile the reception to be accorded to the returning unsuccessful Japanese team is rumoured to be impassive, bordering on cold. Their fourth-quarter loss against the Washington Huskies when seemingly in control did not impressive those close the Chrysanthemum Throne. It is expected that the coach will come to a mutual agreement with owners to commit ritual sepuku, thereby allowing him to spend more time with his ancestors.
January 9, 2009 at 6:49 pm |
No sepuku, no glory.