WASHINGTON, D.C. Frustrated by banks that have returned the federal government’s “bailout” funds, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner today announced a pro-active marketing initiative in which federally-regulated deposit institutions would receive toaster ovens, umbrellas and other crappy gifts as inducements.
Geithner: “You slide the hot pocket into the toaster oven, and in a jiffy you’ve got a tasty, delicious meal that suits your busy lifestyle.”
“A number of well-capitalized institutions have elected not to participate in the program, which I guess is their prerogative in a free society,” Geithner said in an appearance before Congress seeking funding for the marketing program. “To those banks, we offer the same sort of high-quality mouse pads, coffee mugs and imitation Beanie Babies that they give customers who open up a Christmas Club account.”
“I♥ Tim Geithner!”
While technically a stock investment, the government’s infusion of capital into the nation’s banking system has been characterized as a “bailout” by reporters whose net worth is tied up in discount pizza coupons and deposit bottles. “We have tried to educate the non-financial press about basic principles such as cost of capital,” said Edward Fuhlenweider, Executive Director of the American Community Bankers Association. “They asked a few questions about Susan Boyle, then headed for the free buffet lunch.”
“I’ve always wanted a First Second Short Bank tote bag!”
The banking industry is the largest purchaser of promotional items of any sector of American industry because its products and services are largely fungible, and because low-cost trinkets have been found to be a more cost-effective means of buying off politicians.
“I can’t use a golf umbrella, but the 3-in-1 flashlight, key ring and nail clipper’s cool.”
“We owe it to our shareholders to cut overhead wherever we can,” said Fuhlenweider. “Why give a Congressman money when he’ll settle for a socket-wrench set?”
