WASHINGTON, D.C. General Motors today proposed a turnaround plan under which the federal government would be given a majority share in the troubled automotive manufacturer, but Obama administration officials said they were unlikely to accept the offer without additional consideration including floor mats and rustproofing.
Geithner: “Without floor mats, the rugs get filthy.”
“The proposal in its current form is not acceptable,” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, who is acting as interim “car czar” until he gets his learner’s permit. “They must think I just fell off a big wheels car to make me an offer like that.”
Vroom!
Geithner and an aide started to leave the showroom but were lured back by a promise of an action figure of former GM executive Rick Wagoner. “That’s the best we can do for you right now,” said current President and CEO Fritz Henderson. “Rustproofing is an add-on, and if we give out free floor mats everybody will ask for them.”
Lifelike Rick Wagoner action figure.
Auto dealers use promotional incentives in order to entice reluctant buyers to purchase crappy cars. “It’s a principal I learned in Anthropology 101,” said Ford CEO Alan Mulalley. “If you hold something bright and shiny in front of primitive consumers’ eyes, you can talk them into buying the extended drive-train warranty.”
“This nice young man offered us a rear-view mirror air freshener!”
Unless the government agrees to GM’s terms by the end of the April, the car maker will miss its monthly quota and forego one of two prizes available to U.S. auto manufacturers. “There’s an all-expense paid trip to Japan,” said Geithner, “or a cuddly stuffed Portugese water dog.”
