May

Winehouse to Boyle: Get a Grip on Yourself!

LONDON. On the heels of a report in USMagazine that plain-Jane singing sensation Susan Boyle had twice cursed at fellow guests at the Wembley Plaza Hotel, neo-soul singer Amy Winehouse urged the 48-year-old to go into rehab.

Boyle: “You can shove it up a place where the sun don’t shine, as long as that place isn’t one that’s mine!”

“You can’t just drop the F-bomb on total strangers in a world-class city like London,” Winehouse said in a post on her blog. “That’s my job.”

Winehouse: “You’ve really got to go to rehab, girl, or take a truckload of drugs . . .”

Boyle has previously been forced to retract her claim that she’d never been kissed after Malcolm Lowry, author of Under the Volcano, disclosed in a posthumous book that the two had spent a decadent weekend in Tijuana, Mexico, emerging from a squalid bedroom only long enough to drink shots of tequila and eat refried beans. “Susan was the best lay I ever had,” Lowry said in detailed notes he kept of their love trysts. “When she was completely satisfied, she’d sing a song from an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, like ‘Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina’.”

Dramatic transformation from frumpy look with glasses, to frumpy look with contacts.

Boyle won the hearts of millions when she surprised viewers of “Britain’s Got Talent” with her rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables. “I thought that was a novel by Victor Hugo,” the previously-harsh judge Simon Cowell said. “Nobody told me there was a CD in the back!”

Winehouse is the dissolute white female vocalist whose imitations of black girl group singers of the 50′s are a hit with white listeners. “Susan should not try to be someone she’s not,” Winehouse said as she applied do-it-yourself caulking to her crumbling septum.