WASHINGTON, D.C. The Republican National Governors Association is expected to call for the resignation of embattled South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford this week, saying the tone of his emails to an alleged lover crossed the line of acceptable behavior into “mushy, gushy, schmoopsie-woopsie talk” that is forbidden to GOP elected officials.
Sanford: “She’s my pwecious widdle punkin’, and I wuv her vewwy much.”
“If you’re going to have a mistress, for God’s sake don’t tell her you love her,” said Royal Beale, Jr., former governor of a rectangular state in either the mountain or central time zones. “Tell her you’ll pay for her apartment and buy her a lot of nice jewelry, then let her gush at you.”
“I sent her an email with the salutation ‘My beloved’–and she replied with ‘Hi’.”
Sanford has admitted to an affair with a woman named “Maria” in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to whom he wrote in one email “I haven’t felt this since I was in my teen ages”. Sanford then asked whether Buenos Aires was the capital of Argentina and what the country’s principal exports were, as he had a final exam in geography coming up.
Rockefeller: “Personally, I’d like to go out with a bang.”
The most famous Republican governor to cheat on his wife was Nelson Rockefeller, who died in 1979 at the age of 70 while in the apartment of a 25-year-old aide. “That was Rocky for you,” said former President Gerald Ford, under whom Rockefeller served as Vice President. ”He died doing what he loved best.”
Jenny Sanford: “I’m going to redecorate the den and turn it into Mark’s bedroom.”
Sanford’s wife Jenny has said she is willing to forgive her husband even though he has referred to his Argentinian lover as his “soul mate”, but Republican Party leaders were not so forgiving. “What in the hell is a 50-year-old white male Republican doing with a soul, anyway?” Beale asked, incredulous. “He should have sold that a long time ago.”
July 6, 2009 at 1:38 am |
Well done sir.
July 6, 2009 at 8:54 am |
What he said. Very well indeed!