Big 10 Conference Concedes Error, Will Become Big 11

PARK RIDGE, Illinois.  Bowing to pressure from the Association of Secondary School Math Instructors, the Big 10 Conference today admitted that it in fact has eleven member schools, and agreed to change its name to the “Big 11″ beginning with the 2009 football season.

Or maybe it’s twelve, but XII is already taken.

“We have historically counted our members using our fingers, but apparently that doesn’t cut it anymore,” said Commissioner James E. Delany in a bitter concession speech to reporters here.  “We hired a guy with a solar-powered calculator a few years back to check our numbers, but he worked indoors all the time so his thingamabob was on the fritz.”

“The Buckeyes have used the run successfully on first and 11.”

The eleven member schools of the “Big 10″ Conference are Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue and Wisconsin.  Penn State was added in 1990, “but somebody forgot to carry the one” according to Dwight Huggins, an algebra teacher in Danville, Illinois, who has led the charge to persuade the league to have its name accurately reflect the rules of arithmetic.  “Our students will need to compete in a global economy,” Huggins explained.  “I can just imagine the snickers they’re gonna get someday when they apply for a job at an accounting firm.”

“He hits the hole and improves his GPA to 3.98 yards per semester!”

Insiders suggested that Northwestern, the “smart” school in the conference, had tipped off federal Department of Education officials who threatened the league with the loss of a Bowl Championship Series spot if it did not correct its error.  “They’ve only won the conference football championship eight times in a hundred and ten years,” said Lyle Koster, who covers the Big 10 for College Football Today.  “That’s like what–once every twenty years?”

30 Cow, 40 Goat Place Setting

A Kenyan man offered 30 cows and 40 goats for Chelsea Clinton’s hand in marriage.  The Boston Herald.

OFFICE OF THE FORMER FIRST DAUGHTER

Dear Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor:

Thank you so much for your kind offer of 30 cows and 40 goats for my hand in marriage.  Seriously, I was registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond for twelve fruit bowls, and had completely forgotten about the goats–thanks for the head-up!

Karl “The Mailman” Malone

Nonetheless, as you may already know, I attended Leland Stanford Junior University (also known as “Stanford”) and am now matriculating (that’s not as disgusting as it sounds!) at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health.  “Mailman” refers to Karl Malone, power forward for the Utah Jazz and two-time winner of the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award.

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor:  Lookin’ good in the ‘hood.

If you will check my Wikipedia entry you will find that I have been romantically linked to actor Jake Gyllenhaal and journalist/author Ian Klaus, and am currently dating Marc Mezvinsky.  As a result, I am generally unavailable to spend time with guys who burn dung for cooking and warmth.  But I appreciate the offer!

Warm personal regards,

Chelsea Clinton

 

Dear Chelsea:

Thanks for your email.  I am totally “down” with you wanting to “play the field”.  I myself like to do so as well.  Did you know polygamy is legal in Kenya?  You would only be like, my second or third wife, I’ve lost count.  But you would occupy a special place in my heart, next to the left ventricle.  And please be assured that I have never, ever offered more than 40 goats for a wife, as a matter of principle.  Chicks can really get an attitude when you cross that 39-goat threshold!

By the way, is it true you were named after a Joni Mitchell song?  That’s not a problem, but it would have been better if you’d been named after “Chelsea Bridge” by Billy Strayhorn–much classier, all things considered.  But I guess we’re not responsible for our tacky parents, are we?  By the way, the billy and nanny goats are going at it tonight–makes me think of you (*sigh*).

Yours ’til Niagra Falls!

Godwin

 Billy Strayhorn

Dear Godwin:

I think things are getting, uh, a little personal in our emails.  I hope I’ve been clear–I wish to marry a hedge fund manager or venture capitalist who can keep me in the style to which I’ve become accustomed as the daughter of a mater and pater who, while they may have been Arkansas state government employees, received multi-million dollar book advances from major New York publishing houses!

Paula Jones:  Another Arkansas state government employee.

So it is time, sadly, for you and I to break off our electronic correspondence.  Have you tried Barbara Pierce Bush?  Her twin sister is married, but she’s still available.

Cordially,

Chelsea Clinton

Barbara Pierce Bush

Dearest Chelsea–

Thanks for the tip on the sole remaining unmarried Bush twin!  Personally, I am interested in collecting one of each of the first daughters–you, La Bushette, maybe an Obama, Susan Ford, Doro Bush–even Julie Nixon if the price is right!  By the way, do you have change for a 40-goat note?  Foreign exchange restrictions in a Kenya are a b***ch!

Yours ’til cats kill mountains,

Godwin

Susan Elizabeth Ford

Godwin:

I don’t mean to seem stand-offish, but I’m calling the Secret Service, which as you may know protects even daughters of former presidents.  I would stick to the Bushes if I were you.  While my father may have been the first black president, he still played the saxophone like Boots Randolph, not Charlie Parker.

Very truly yours,

Chelsea Clinton

Boots Randolph:  Terminally unhip.

Dearest Chelsea:

Boots Randoph–get out of town!  “Yakety Sax” is my favorite, bar none, of all time.  Perhaps your father can play at our wedding!

Rappers Try Traditional Look to Contrast With White Imitators

WELLESLEY FALLS, Mass.  Jennifer Wilkins doesn’t get many strange requests in her job as a sales associate at Talbots, the upscale women’s clothing store, in this suburb of Boston.  “One time a woman wanted to return a pair of Capri pants after she wore them horseback riding because the material pilled up in the seat,” she recalls.  “That’s about it.”

Unsightly pills formed in the seat

            So this evening stands out for her as she unlocks the front door after closing time to admit Sound E-FEX, a rapper from the tough Dorchester neighborhood of Boston, and his “posse” for a private showing of the retail chain’s fall collection.  “What up, dawgette?” Sound says to Jennifer as he enters, a bottle of Courvoisier in one hand and a Phillies Blunt Sour Apple cigar in the other.

            “Hello Sound,” she says as she gives him an air kiss.  “You’re not going to light that thing, are you?” she ask with a polite but stern tone.

            “Naw, you know me—I just like to suck on ‘em,” Sound says with a grin.

            “All right,” she says with obvious relief.  “I’m breaking enough rules letting you in after hours.”

            “Hey—you got to live on the edge, y’know,” Sound says philosophically.

            “Come on in the back,” Jennifer says graciously, and Sound and his entourage of eight men and women make their way past flannel nightgowns, Loden coats and kilts.  “I’ve got some really nice things to show you.”

            In terms of total sales, purchases of traditional women’s clothing by male rappers is a small but growing phenomenon, says Liz Cutler, editor of Women’s Wear Daily, the fashion industry’s bible.  “It all started with OutKast,” she says of the Grammy-winning Atlanta-based duo whose ground-breaking decision to wear Burberry plaid in a music video sparked the craze.  “But what’s really added fuel to the fire,” she says, “is all the phony white ‘wanksters’ from the suburbs.”

            Indeed, Sound E-FEX is blunt in his assessment of the middle-class teens who emulate “gangsta” styles.  “They got the droopy pants and the Timberlands,” he says, “but they ain’t real.”  Thus, Sound and others like him are forced to take drastic measures to stay one fashion step ahead of the crowd.

OutKast

            “The one fashion rebellion suburban kids will never join?” says WWD’s Cutler.  “Imitating their mothers.”

            And so Sound and his buddies are cooing over a new shipment of cable-knit cardigans that Jennifer Wilkins has spread out on an antique pine table for their consideration.

            “Ooo—I like that bright green one!” Sound’s friend BakWurdz says.

            “Stick with the pink,” says Sound.

            “Pink is perfect for casual parties,” notes Jennifer Wilkins.

            “Yeah—like if you was with a bunch a playas and everybody wanted to go to a club or sumpin’,” says Sound E-FEX’s girlfriend of the moment, Pho’Netique.

            High-end consumer products companies have struggled over the years when their brands have been adopted by low-income buyers.  Cadillac, for most of the twentieth century the car of choice among upwardly-mobile African-Americans, did not feature a black man in its advertisements until well after the civil rights movement had achieved most of its gains.  “We felt it was time, and the right thing to do,” said Mark Gordon, president of General Motors’ Cadillac division at the time.  The ad showed a Fleetwood model parked in front of a lawn jockey.

            More recently, the French champagne maker Louis Roeder became the subject of a boycott when rapper Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter took offense to comments by Frederic Rouzaud, the company’s president, who suggested that he wouldn’t mind if rappers switched their allegiance from its Cristal brand to Dom Perignon or Krug.  Rouzaud says his comments were taken out of context.  “It was great publicity when Busta Rhymes broke a bottle of our sparkling wine over the head of Source Magazine’s David Mays,” he explained, “J’etre en bas avec que.” (I be down with that.)

            Wilkins’ own son is a wanna-be rapper who goes by the name “Prince SAT” to flaunt his 740 score on the SAT II Biology test.  He says he plans to make a dramatic shift in his wardrobe to stay current with the new trend. “I’m going to buy a blazer.”

This story first appeared on Amazon Shorts as part of “Our Friends, the Rappers”

An Introduction to the Joys of Wine

A knowledge of fine wines is a hallmark of sophistication.  Whether entertaining discriminating guests or enjoying an upscale business luncheon or dinner, a wine faux pas can have disastrous effects on one’s social standing or professional advancement. Here are some basics that will help you avoid blowing yourself up as you tiptoe through the minefield that is the vineyard of wine.

Boone’s Farm: Screwtop wine par excellence.

Cork or screwtop? Many self-proclaimed wine experts claim that good wines come only in bottles that are stopped with a cork, rather than a screwtop. This narrow-minded viewpoint is based on the petty snobbery of social climbers who look down their noses at men who prefer to partake of the grape as they sit on park benches or lounge in bus stations. Screwtops enable the harried hostess to avoid the embarrassment of grunting like a sow delivering a litter of pigs as she tries to pull the cork out of a bottle that she holds between her legs.

Don’t be a stuck-up wine snob.

Cheap vs. expensive. Some people who would like to learn more about wine are deterred by the cost. A six-pack of Jax or Dixie beer can be had for less than $5 at your local Piggly-Wiggly, while many bottles of expensive wine cost that much per sip! What is a person on a budget to do? Here’s a tip from Ken Hopkins, spokesman for the American Association of Brewers. “Take your favorite beer and pour it into a bottle from which the wine has been removed–chardonnays and Alsatian empties are excellent for this purpose. If one of your guests says that your ‘wine’ tastes like beer, ask how she knows what beer tastes like if she’s such a wine expert.”


Jax Beer:  As good as many Alsatian dessert wines.

How to read a wine label. The label on a bottle of wine contains a great deal of information that can help you make an educated selection. Unfortunately, much of it is in foreign languages with strange punctuation marks. Here are a few terms that every knowledgeable wine drinker should have at his or her tongutip:

Gewurtztraminer:  Open other end.
Vin du pays:  5 cent deposit.
Appellation controlee:  Consumption of alcohol while operating heavy machinery may cause pregnancy.

In order to avoid buying a wine that is inappropriate for the entree you will be serving, choose a label that matches your floral centerpiece. After two glasses, no one can taste the wine anyway.

Night Train and Thunderbird:  Broken nose, wobbly legs, strong finish for used furniture.

Bolder is better. Some oenophiles strive to develop a sensitive palate that can detect subtle “overtones” and “finishes”, but they are missing out on wine’s principal source of satisfaction–the buzz you get when you drink a lot of it! For the ultimate wine experience, stick to fortified “bum” wines such as Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird and Night Train. They deliver a high degree of satisfaction at a low, low cost.

” . . . with just a hint of old cigar boxes.”

Wine talk. In order to truly enjoy your newly-developed wine expertise, you must be able to talk about it in a way that impresses others. “A hint of vanilla, an overtone of left-footed sweatsocks, and a hearty but temperate finish that recalls the pre-electric Bob Dylan,” is one bravura stroke by a well-known critic in this month’s Wine Snob magazine. In order to pull off this sort of verbal gymnastics, place a pocket dictionary in a Cuisinart or other food processor and use the “cole slaw” setting. Stuff the confetti-like scraps in your pocket, and pull them out as needed when stuck for a noun or adjective at your next wine tasting!

One Magazine Finds Success Isn’t That Simple

NEW YORK.  It is one of the more improbable success stories of the internet age, when print publications are widely supposed to be dinosaurs biding their time until on-line content crushes them like a rogue asteroid and makes them extinct.  Real Simple, launched in 2000, already has nearly two million readers for its monthly fare of decorating, fashion and cooking advice designed to make the lives of its female readers simpler.

There’s just one complication; publisher Time Inc. recently received a cease-and-desist letter from lawyers for the Alabama Home for the Feeble Minded, threatening to sue for infringing the trademark associated with their newsletter, which is also called “Real Simple”.

Home for the Feeble Minded

“If some fancy New York company wants to start a new magazine that’s fine with us, just don’t use our name,” said Darrell Lee Suggins, head groundskeeper of the 400-person facility in Switchback, Alabama.  “You’d think if they were so smart they’d at least get the grammar right and call theirs ‘Really Simple’.”

Decorate your cell on a budget!

The original Real Simple has been published since 1916 and includes features such as the Color of the Month.  “We put in a page that’s all one color, cause folks here like to look at pretty things,” says Features Editor Marlin Ebersol.  “It’s a low-cost feature–we’ve been running brown since 1956.”

Really Real Simple

Lifestyle articles are popular, with the August issue bearing the teaser headline “Crank Up the Fun With a Frontal Lobotomy!”  “I guess our readers are similar to that other magazine’s,” says Warden Omar Young, Jr., who doubles as sports editor.  “They want to know how to keep things simple and pleasant, so they don’t get moody and depressed.”

Frontal lobotomy:  “This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.”

The Alabama magazine takes particular pride in its coverage of the feeble-minded in the arts, and has run features on Boo Radley from Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” and Lonnie Grinnup from William Faulkner’s “Intruders in the Dust”.

Boo Radley

“That other Real Simple, they’re not as highbrow as we are,” says editor Ebersol.  “We’re more into Southern Gothic literature, they tend to focus on toenail polish and hors d’oeuvres.”

Sedate World of Badminton Rocked by Cat-Fighting Probe

WELLESLEY HILLS, Mass.   This quiet suburb of Boston is home to the Maugus Club, one of the nation’s few venues where badminton is played competitively, a source of pride to local residents.  “People think of badminton as something you did in your backyard when you were a kid,” says Douglas de Vere, a member.  “But it’s easily as rough as violent contact sports such as squash.”

“Don’t you ever touch my chew toy!”

Badminton traces its roots to ancient Greece but has struggled to gain acceptance in a marketplace crowded with less-dignified sports such as hot dog-eating and arena football.  Still, aficionadoes thought the sport was on the verge of a breakthrough after the National Badminton League signed a two-year contract with ESPN14 to broadcast tape-delayed matches beginning this fall.  That bright prospect is now on hold after revelations that top players may have sponsored after-hours cat fights in the club’s basement bowling alley using animals hopped-up on performance-enhancing catnip.

All-Star Weekend Overhead Smash Contest

“It was a volatile mix that was bound to explode at some point,” says Wellesley Chief of Police Ernie Colson.  “You had young men with too much time on their hands between matches, and the code of the WASP”–white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants–”meant they couldn’t blow their money on bling, so they spent it on their cats.”  Upper-class males in America are restricted by the by-laws of private clubs such as Yale’s Skull and Bones from wearing any jewelry other than a wrist watch and a wedding band, although tie clasps are permitted between Labor Day and Christmas in some areas of New England.

“If Daddy sees my secret decoder ring, he’ll kill me!”

Young badminton players, who can often make as much as $42 in an evening of play on side bets, thus found themselves without an outlet for their affluence until they began to satisfy their bloodlust with no-holds-barred matches between vicious felines such as “Spooks”, a mixed-breed refugee from an animal shelter, and “Rocco”, a Sylvester look-alike who at the tender age of two years was already fighting and beating heavier cats twice his age.

In training.

“Your typical badminton player is an introvert off the court, which helps to explain why so many of them become ailurophiles,” or cat-lovers, according to Power Badminton editor Milton Volpman.  “These are guys who have trouble asking for a double-cup in Starbucks,” he notes, “much less extra foam on their lattes.”

The evidence.

As police removed catnip mice and other evidence from the club, this reporter approached Wilson Trammel, a top-ranked player, and asked whether reports that he was an ailurophile were true.  “That’s a damned lie,” Trammel responded.  “I never touched that kid.”

Fed Says Winehouse Nose Collapse Could Trigger Market Meltdown

NEW YORK.  A report by FOX News that singer Amy Winehouse’s nose is coming loose killed an early rally in foreign markets this morning, leading the Federal Reserve to conclude that the nation’s financial crisis could be prolonged if the neo-soul sister’s schnozz fell off.

Kondracke:  “She is one bitchin’ babe, but without that nose–I don’t know.”

“Investor confidence is at historic lows,” said pundit and uber-dork Morton Kondracke.  “The world needs to know that the woman who won six Grammys on a single night just three years ago can lead us out of our current malaise, or bernaise, whichever one is not the sauce.”

Winehouse:  “Look ma–no cavities!”

Winehouse is known for the prodigous quantities of cocaine that she consumes, a habit that has caused the National Park Service to warn hikers to steer clear of her nose.  “If that thing comes off, it could wipe out a party of climbers who made base camp on her chin,” said Robin Parker, who patrols Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire.

Closed course, professional climber:  Do not attempt with Amy Winehouse CD.

According to a report in the Boston Herald, Winehouse mixes cocaine into cotton candy in order to avoid the wear and tear on her proboscis, a last-ditch technique that structural engineers hope will allow future generations to enjoy Winehouse’s unspoiled beauty.

“These guys are all presidents–where are the neo-soul singers?”

“Amy is really very special,” said Randall Van Tine of the EK&G engineering firm in Aberdeen, South Dakota, which is overseeing repairs to Mt. Rushmore.  “You get a nose like that once in a generation if you’re lucky, maybe once a millenium if you’re really fortunate.”

Birthers: Hawaii’s Not a Real State

HONOLULU, Hawaii.  Temporarily set back by the release of a Certification of Live Birth for President Barack Obama by the State of Hawaii, members of the “birther” movement today fought back, arguing that Hawaii is not a real state.

I mean seriously:  Which is more likely to be a state, Hawaii or Nebraska?

“Obama is not a legitimate president because Hawaii is not a legitimate state,” said Norbert Speiser of Downer’s Grove, Illinois.  “Hawaii does not have a straight line in its borders, which is required in order to obtain statehood.”

An alleged Kenyan birth certificate for Obama was filed in one of numerous lawsuits challenging Obama’s citizenship, but White House press officers claimed it was produced by an internet-based Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator.  “So what,” replied Alan Strader, of Roanoke, Virginia.  “Anybody could set up a fake Hawaiian Certification of Live Birth Generator.”

Hawaii lacks many of the characteristics of the other forty-nine states, according to Herman Wold, chairman of the Geography Department at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.  “Hawaii is the only state made up entirely of islands, not geographically located in North America, and completely surrounded by water,” he notes.  “Do you want me to keep going, because we’re right in the middle of our annual verification of state capitals, and we’re only on Kentucky.”

Jim Nabors:  And they say it can’t happen here.

Hawaii is the only state with a royal palace, a fact that has caused many birthers to suspect that Obama will ultimately demand to be named King of the United States.  Hawaii is the only state in which coffee is grown, and the only state occupied by Jim Nabors, the actor who portrayed “Gomer Pyle” on The Andy Griffith Show and a subsequent eponymous spin-off from that show.  “An eponymous spin-off can be a life-saver in a solar system such as ours,” notes California Institute of Technology professor Willard van Ormand.  “You’ve got one show and two big stars, and if you don’t create a second sitcom, there could be a gigantic gaseous explosion.”

NTFL Caps Practice Hikes, Adds One Mississippi

HYANNISPORT, Mass.  The Rules Subcommittee of the National Touch Football League emerged from its summer session yesterday with a proposal to cap the number of practice hikes teams may take before a snap, and to add one “Mississippi” count to the time that must expire before defensive linemen are allowed to rush the passer.

“You didn’t tag me below the waist, stunod!”

“Our fans expect a fast-moving, high-scoring game,” said Butch Cannizano, president of the Boonville, Missouri, Pirates, a team made up of 8 to 12-year-olds.  “Sometimes you get a spelling bee champ on a team, they put him at center because he’s slow, then they get all nervous about the snap.”

“Practice hike–HIKE!”

Under the modified rule, teams would be allowed one practice hike when a quarterback is under center, two in a “wildcat” or single-wing formation, and three in the shotgun.  The change must be approved by a majority of touch football teams across the country in order to take effect.

“It’s four-Mississippi now, not three!”

The move to add a fourth “Mississippi” count is designed to increase scoring, which had fallen because of standardized testing requirements imposed on states by the federal government.  “We were getting games that would end with low scores like 60-54,” notes assistant commissioner Earl “Bud” Bucholz of Cupertino, California.  “I know we have to pretend that schoolwork is important, but let’s not get carried away.”

President Kennedy, on a post pattern.

The league was formed by a merger with the former American Two-Hand-Touch-Below-the-Waist League in 1980, and is headquartered in the former summer home of President John F. Kennedy, who is credited with rule changes that made the game socially acceptable.  “JFK let girls play for the first time,” notes touch football historian Alden Paine.  “When he did, it would be two-hand-touch-above-the-waist.”

Political Shocker: First Lady Wears Talbots!

WASHINGTON.  President Barack Obama is expected to hold a press conference at noon today to confirm a report in this morning’s Boston Herald that his wife Michelle has worn outfits from Talbots, the women’s wear retailer whose clothing is favored by Republican women and has been worn by every GOP First Lady dating back to Mamie Eisenhower.

 

Mamie Eisenhower:  Kowa-bunga!

“This is a signal that the President has secured his base in advance of the 2012 election and is looking to make inroads among dowdy frump voters,” said Philip Menkiewiczski, a Washington lobbyist for the National Association of Phonics Teachers.  “That group traditionally votes Republican, but they can be swayed if you wave a well-toned upper arm at them with a pink and green surcingle watch band on the wrist.”

Talbots outfit:  Will it cost Democrats votes among single males?

Talbots has seen its stock price suffer over the past few years as it targeted younger women at the expense of its traditional customer base of moderate Republicans.  “Talbots outfits have been linked to low fertility rates among conservative couples,” notes William Greeley of the American Council of Demographers.  “They inhibit sexual attraction, which is apparently fine with the women in the group.”

Kathleen Sebelius:  “I’m still number 1!”

The shift in shopping habits enabled the First Lady to move into the top ten Democratic females Republican males are likely to have a perverse bipartisan wet dream about, according to Washington-based Cadwell Political Consultancy.  Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius retained her number one ranking in the AP, BCS and Coaches Polls.

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