A Kenyan man offered 30 cows and 40 goats for Chelsea Clinton’s hand in marriage. The Boston Herald.
OFFICE OF THE FORMER FIRST DAUGHTER
Dear Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor:
Thank you so much for your kind offer of 30 cows and 40 goats for my hand in marriage. Seriously, I was registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond for twelve fruit bowls, and had completely forgotten about the goats–thanks for the head-up!
Karl “The Mailman” Malone
Nonetheless, as you may already know, I attended Leland Stanford Junior University (also known as “Stanford”) and am now matriculating (that’s not as disgusting as it sounds!) at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health. “Mailman” refers to Karl Malone, power forward for the Utah Jazz and two-time winner of the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award.
Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor: Lookin’ good in the ‘hood.
If you will check my Wikipedia entry you will find that I have been romantically linked to actor Jake Gyllenhaal and journalist/author Ian Klaus, and am currently dating Marc Mezvinsky. As a result, I am generally unavailable to spend time with guys who burn dung for cooking and warmth. But I appreciate the offer!
Warm personal regards,
Chelsea Clinton
Dear Chelsea:
Thanks for your email. I am totally “down” with you wanting to “play the field”. I myself like to do so as well. Did you know polygamy is legal in Kenya? You would only be like, my second or third wife, I’ve lost count. But you would occupy a special place in my heart, next to the left ventricle. And please be assured that I have never, ever offered more than 40 goats for a wife, as a matter of principle. Chicks can really get an attitude when you cross that 39-goat threshold!
By the way, is it true you were named after a Joni Mitchell song? That’s not a problem, but it would have been better if you’d been named after “Chelsea Bridge” by Billy Strayhorn–much classier, all things considered. But I guess we’re not responsible for our tacky parents, are we? By the way, the billy and nanny goats are going at it tonight–makes me think of you (*sigh*).
Yours ’til Niagra Falls!
Godwin
Billy Strayhorn
Dear Godwin:
I think things are getting, uh, a little personal in our emails. I hope I’ve been clear–I wish to marry a hedge fund manager or venture capitalist who can keep me in the style to which I’ve become accustomed as the daughter of a mater and pater who, while they may have been Arkansas state government employees, received multi-million dollar book advances from major New York publishing houses!
Paula Jones: Another Arkansas state government employee.
So it is time, sadly, for you and I to break off our electronic correspondence. Have you tried Barbara Pierce Bush? Her twin sister is married, but she’s still available.
Cordially,
Chelsea Clinton
Barbara Pierce Bush
Dearest Chelsea–
Thanks for the tip on the sole remaining unmarried Bush twin! Personally, I am interested in collecting one of each of the first daughters–you, La Bushette, maybe an Obama, Susan Ford, Doro Bush–even Julie Nixon if the price is right! By the way, do you have change for a 40-goat note? Foreign exchange restrictions in a Kenya are a b***ch!
Yours ’til cats kill mountains,
Godwin
Godwin:
I don’t mean to seem stand-offish, but I’m calling the Secret Service, which as you may know protects even daughters of former presidents. I would stick to the Bushes if I were you. While my father may have been the first black president, he still played the saxophone like Boots Randolph, not Charlie Parker.
Very truly yours,
Chelsea Clinton
Boots Randolph: Terminally unhip.
Dearest Chelsea:
Boots Randoph–get out of town! “Yakety Sax” is my favorite, bar none, of all time. Perhaps your father can play at our wedding!
