PARK RIDGE, Illinois. Bowing to pressure from the Association of Secondary School Math Instructors, the Big 10 Conference today admitted that it in fact has eleven member schools, and agreed to change its name to the “Big 11″ beginning with the 2009 football season.
Or maybe it’s twelve, but XII is already taken.
“We have historically counted our members using our fingers, but apparently that doesn’t cut it anymore,” said Commissioner James E. Delany in a bitter concession speech to reporters here. “We hired a guy with a solar-powered calculator a few years back to check our numbers, but he worked indoors all the time so his thingamabob was on the fritz.”
“The Buckeyes have used the run successfully on first and 11.”
The eleven member schools of the “Big 10″ Conference are Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue and Wisconsin. Penn State was added in 1990, “but somebody forgot to carry the one” according to Dwight Huggins, an algebra teacher in Danville, Illinois, who has led the charge to persuade the league to have its name accurately reflect the rules of arithmetic. “Our students will need to compete in a global economy,” Huggins explained. “I can just imagine the snickers they’re gonna get someday when they apply for a job at an accounting firm.”
“He hits the hole and improves his GPA to 3.98 yards per semester!”
Insiders suggested that Northwestern, the “smart” school in the conference, had tipped off federal Department of Education officials who threatened the league with the loss of a Bowl Championship Series spot if it did not correct its error. “They’ve only won the conference football championship eight times in a hundred and ten years,” said Lyle Koster, who covers the Big 10 for College Football Today. “That’s like what–once every twenty years?”
