WASHINGTON, D.C. Ignoring critics who call his planned trip to Copenhagen on behalf of Chicago’s 2016 Olympics bid a distraction, President Obama said he will take on a new sports cause as soon as he gets back; bringing the Greater DC Metro Soccer League’s U-12 Girls spring tournament to the nation’s capital.
“Girls soccer parents are big spenders, no question.”
“It’s always in the suburbs of Virginia or Maryland,” Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said to a reporter who suggested that the President may be spreading himself too thin. “I think you’ve got a clear case of soccer profiling going on here.”
Amy Carter: “My cat has malaise, whatever that is.”
Presidents have historically been reluctant to interject themselves into youth sports league controversies, preferring to remain above the contentious battles that often plague children’s athletics. President Jimmy Carter intervened on behalf of his daughter Amy, who was demoted from an elite girls’ soccer team due to lack of hustle and failure to bring orange slices to practice when it was her turn.
Pink shin guards!
Girls soccer tournaments provide an enormous economic boost to cities that host them according to Ethan Zucker, an economist who studies them because all the really important subjects were taken. “You’ve got parents who don’t bring enough bottled water, and then they stop for coffee at Starbucks,” he noted. “On the way home you have to buy everybody a Slurpee at 7-11.”
“The Slurpee machine is working again!”
Former Massachusetts Governor Willard “Mitt” Romney used his experience running the 2002 Winter Olympics as a platform to launch an unsuccessful bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, saying he would bring the same cost-cutting efficiency to government. “We used Mormon volunteers to cut costs,” he noted. “It helps if you have a cult following, and Obama’s got that covered.”
“I told him ‘God commands you to work a double shift in a hot, sweaty mascot outfit.’”
With a war raging. healthcare reform stalled and the economy showing only halting signs of recovery, some questioned Obama’s focus on an issue that seems trivial, but others defended the initiative. “We’re talking about my daughter’s soccer tournament here,” said Marci Wiltz, as she offered her 11-year-old Hanna a bottle of Evian. “If there’s something more important than that, I’d like to know what it is.”
Watching girls play soccer is multi tasking for men, doing 2 things they like to do best. They can’t handle that: one hand for the beer, one for the remote control to zoom in, that is one hand short.
This is one of the many differences between US and Europe. There is no women’s soccer on TV here. It made the sports highlights when Brandi Chastain (or whatever her name was) took her jersey off at the Olympics. Since then, nothing.
When Russian discus thrower Olga Swastikova in 1988 won her game, she removed her shirt too in front of the tv camera’s and that same week the number of official registrated gays in Moscow increased with 79 %.
Is that a fake name, like Irina Armpitkova?
Fake??!! No way! I think she is the cousin of Beluga Bellybuttova? Once removed. From a hairdressers, long story. Don’t you remember?
I’m going to have to tell my friend Andy Brandnewjetski.