WASHINGTON. Faced with the prospect that Democratic dancers will hold a filibuster-proof majority on the popular TV show “Dancing With the Stars”, Republican lawmakers convened late into the night to find a replacement for former House majority leader Tom Delay, who withdrew from the show after developing stress fractures in both feet.
“Patriotism is the last refuge of the samba.”
“One-party government isn’t good in any competition,” said Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina, “not even ballroom dancing.”
DeMint: “In the cha-cha-cha, the dancers separate, then they come back together.”
“Dancing With the Stars” is an internationally-syndicated “reality” television show in which celebrities are paired with professional ballroom dancers to compete against each other in the performance of ten dance segments, leading some philosophers to question the nature of reality. “If doing the paso robles with Apolo Anton Ohno is reality, I’d like to know what you consider to be unreal,” said Stanley Hyman, Durward Kirby Professor of Ontology at the University of Maine-Orono.
Separated at birth: McConnell and Dennis the Menace’s father.
Possible replacements for Delay include Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, a two-time winner of the Dennis-the-Menace’s-Father Look-Alike competition; Arizona Senator John McCain, who received the 1914 Nobel Prize for Dance along with Thomas Edison for the invention of the foxtrot; and former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who can lip-synch the lyrics from Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” album from memory.
Ohno: “Oh yes!”
DeLay’s next dance was to have been the Texas two-step, and the show’s producers indicated that the former lawmaker nicknamed “The Hammer” would be invited back to perform it on the show’s finale. “He’s certainly welcome if he’s healthy,” said Assistant Producer Kyle D’Elfina. “Although I gather from information on the moveon.org web site that Republicans euthanize injured humans and abandon the elderly on remote mountains.”