Bo Dollis is the Best American Singer You’ve Never Heard Of

As the first decade of the twenty-first century comes to a close, MSN Music has memorialized in photo album format a litany of Brittany and other innovators of the past ten years who will forever hold the sort of secure place in artistic history currently occupied by Patti Page and Rudy Vallee.

Rudy Vallee

What’s that?  Who’s Rudy Vallee?  Surely you jest!  He was the most popular singer of his day, a ground-breaking crooner who dominated popular music in the 30′s, hosting The Fleischmann’s Yeast Hour–sort of an MTV for radio.  He had a nasal voice and boyish good looks–just like Eminem!

Vallee, in a thoughtful mood.

Near the end of his life in the 80′s, a half century after the pinnacle of his popularity, Vallee was looking for a dignified repository for his papers and personal effects.  He approached his alma mater, Yale, but his star had fallen so low in the firmament that they turned him down, and he had to settle for Boston University.  The indignity!

Louis Armstrong

This brief excursion into the history of popular music is offered as corrective to snap judgments made in haste upon momentous occasions such as, say, the end of a decade.  Colored by public relations specialists, the fashions of the moment, and the transient beauty of the young, they inevitably turn out to be wrong.  As we look back on the late 20′s and 30′s now, it is Louis Armstrong, the vacation stand-in on Vallee’s radio show, who is recognized as the genius, and Vallee the mere footnote to musical history.

Bo Dollis:  Note lack of boyish good looks.

So here’s a prediction; long after Marshall Mathers, Justin Timberlake and other current white imitators of black musical styles have been forgotten, people will still be listening to Bo Dollis.

Who, you may ask, is Bo Dollis, and why haven’t you heard of him?  Simple; Dollis is a black performer in a regional musical style–that of New Orleans–and he’s sixty-five years old.  In other words, he’s not going to knock the Jonas Brothers off the cover of Tiger Beat.

Dollis’s voice has been described by John Swenson in OffBeat as “full of passion and intensity with a rasp that gave him a wild edge.”  I can’t say it any better; he is the Platonic ideal of which the Rod Stewarts and Mick Jaggers of the world are only pale imitations.

Dollis’s power flows within traditional banks, like the Mississippi River that runs through his home town.  He grew up in the company of Mardi Gras Indians, men who sew elaborate costumes that mimic Native American dress and wear them as they march through the streets during Mardi Gras festivities.

Dollis in his Big Chief outfit

The Mardi Gras Indians are a unique American manifestation of mummers, that is, disguised performers who go merrymaking during public festivals.  Like other examples of mummery around the world, the performance of Mardi Gras Indians is at the same time ridiculous and pretentious. Indians divide themselves into heiratical ranks by function; there are lowly Spy Boys, who scout for rival gangs, Flag Boys who relay the information thus secured, a Wild Man whose role is to scare people away and clear a path for the procession, Red Indians–the ordinary working men of a tribe–and a Big Chief.

Dollis had stood out as a Red Indian of the White Eagles, but in that role he could only answer the calls of his Big Chief.  He moved on to the Wild Magnolias and was swiftly promoted to Big Chief from Flag Boy.  He says he wanted to be Spy Boy–”I was young and could move around” he told Swenson in an interview–but his voice was too exceptional to be ignored.

Mardi Gras Indians

Dollis grew up singing gospel, and when he became a Big Chief he was able to impart a new sense of religious ecstasy to the traditional repertoire of the Mardi Gras Indians.  Both genres of music include a call-and-response feature–a sort of R&B Greek chorus–and Dollis often plays the role of a gospel preacher in the hybrid music that he’s created.

Wild Magnolias album

Dollis has opened up the music of the Mardi Gras Indians to a new audience, recording formerly secret liturgical song such as “Handa Wanda”–an eerie, ritualistic rumination–for public consumption, and developing a non-peripatetic sub-genre of their parade music.  The Crescent City version of funky R&B is polyrhythmic, with a three-beat second line often serving as the underpinning and embroidery on the standard four-beat measure.  You can walk and rock at the same time.

A half-century from now Bo Dollis will be dead, but so will the music of Brittany Spears, Justin Timberlake and other former Mousketeers.  They’ll still be marching in Indian costumes on Mardi Gras, however, and you’ll hear Bo’s music as they pass by.

Belichick Says Brain Has Healed, Ready for Jets Sunday

FOXBORO, Mass.  It was, long-time NFL observers said, one of the most painful and excruciating injuries ever witnessed in a professional football game.  “That brain cramp there, that was as bad as anything that ever happened to Joe Montana or Bronko Nagurski,” said Sean Foley, beat reporter for Pro Football Weekly.  “Anybody besides Bill Belichick, we’re talking a career-ending hit.”

“You’re lucky, man.  You’ve got two hamstrings, but only one brain.”

The play in question was the decision by three-time Super Bowl-winning coach Bill Belichick not to punt on fourth-and-two deep in his own territory with two and a half minutes remaining in last Sunday night’s game between his New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts.  The Patriots failed to convert, and the Colts came from behind to win 35-34.  “Sudden-onset dementia is exceedingly rare outside of a real combat zone, as opposed to the adult entertainment district they’ve got in Boston,” said Dr. Armand Orthweiler of New England Baptist Hospital.  “Sure people have gone crazy for lack of things to do in Indianapolis, but Coach Belichick had an airplane ticket out the next morning.”

Belichick:  “I take full responsibility–aliens abducted my brain.”

To ensure that Belichick doesn’t reinjure his vital organ during this week’s must-win AFC East Division game against the New York Jets, Patriots players have brought their coach along slowly this week, beginning with non-contact multiplication tables on Monday and advancing to full-pad workouts today in which the man formerly considered a football genius calculated square roots while listening to Vivaldi.

Bronko Nagurski:  To reduce the likelihood of head injuries, wear throwback helmet at all times.

“He’s coming along fine,” said Patriots’ linebacker Tully Banta-Cain.  “He can recite the Presidents of the United States in inverse order of height, and we’re moving on to 19th century French novelists not including Benjamin Constant.”

Constant:  “You should have punted.”

The Patriots may trade a draft pick for depth at the coaching genius position, according to general managers who’ve received calls from Assistant Director of Player Personnel Norm Blevish.  “For a first-rounder I’d give up a veteran who’s still got some miles on him,” said one g.m. who asked to remain anonymous.  “Like maybe a Nobel Prize winning physicist who’s lost a few quarks and gluons, but still knows which end of the universe is up.”

Fans Riot as France Reclaims World Baking Crown

PARIS.  Jubilant fans poured into the streets here last night overturning Renaults and hitting riot policemen with baguettes after France reclaimed the World Baking Championship following a twelve-year dry spell.

 

“Nous sommes nombre une!”

“We had become like les Cubbies de Chicago,” said Alain Robe-de-Bath.  “I thought I would not see ever this day in my life until I am dead,” he said in the broken English he acquired at L’Ecole Normale du Jerry Lewis. 

 

“Nous sommes nombre une!” shouted Marielle Huysmans, a stewardess for L’Aviation au-Dessus de l’Atterrir et le Mer, a long-winded French company that apparently flies airplanes over both land and water.  “Down with American bleached-wheat white-bread imperialism,” she added, referring to the American team, which placed first in 1999 and 2005.

 

” . . . . . . . . “

Even French mimes got into the act, gesturing at passing cars as if they were making the French team’s “artistic” submission, an intricate dough sculpture depicting a woman on a bidet, the half-assed plumbing fixture in which the French sort of take baths.

 

Bidet

French pride was at stake following a string of ignominious defeats to baking expansion teams such as Taiwan, Japan and Tampa Bay.  Fans had pressed for a new coach, and Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy tapped Pierre Zimmerman, a ”baker’s coach” who is known for creating a relaxed kitchen atmosphere.  “These guys are professionals,” Zimmerman said about his low-key approach.  “They don’t need Knute Rockne speeches between the soup and fish courses.”

 

Rockne:  “You call those profiteroles?  They look like Ring-Dings!”

Zimmerman said he would take a week off to recuperate, then begin preparations for the upcoming rookie draft.  “We’re looking for an inside pastry chef who can make viennoiserie (yeasted pastry) and can sprinkle confectioner’s sugar on croissants,” he said.  “You want somebody who can hit the hole and fill it with raspberries and cream cheese.”

Speed Dating With the Supreme Court

In the case of Bilski and Warsaw v. Kappos, Justice Stephen Breyer asked counsel whether he could patent a method of teaching that would keep 80% of students awake; Justice Antonin Scalia asked if horse whispering could be patented; and Justice Sonia Sotomayor asked if speed dating could be patented.  The Wall Street Journal

As Marshal of the Supreme Court, my job is an important one, but there’s not a lot of variety.  Every day I say the same thing:  “Oyez, oyez, oyez: All persons having business before the Honorable, the Supreme Court of the United States, are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Court is now sitting. God save the United States and this honorable Court.”  Then I sit down.  That’s it.

Breyer:  “I find a Hawaiian shirt helps keep students awake.”

But last week, let me tell you, was something special.  It’s not often you see the kind of intellectual fireworks we heard in Bilski and Warsaw v. Kappos.  I talked to Justice Breyer afterwards, and he said he hadn’t seen anything like it since somebody set off a bottle rocket at a Harvard Law School 4th of July picnic.

Bottle rockets:  Another joy of youth, now proscribed by goody two-shoes regulators.

The question before the court was whether “business methods”, like keeping a bank open on Saturdays–duh–could be patented.  And Justice Breyer, let me tell you, for a former Harvard professor, he’s a pretty sharp guy.  He saw the business angle right away.

“Counselor,” he said, and there was an undertone of pecuniary self-interest in his voice, “under your argument, would I be able to patent a method of teaching law school that promised to keep at least 80% of students awake?”

“I don’t mind if you sleep, but please don’t drool.”

“Your Honor,” the lawyer replied, “if you can keep that many law students awake during a lecture on antitrust, it would be the greatest invention since canned beer.”

Canned beer, early experimental prototype

“Thanks, counselor, that’s just great,” Breyer said.  “You know, it’s not easy sitting up here day after day, listening to wing-tipped dweebs like you drone on and on, and not make as much money as a first-year associate at a Wall Street law firm.”

“I can understand your frustration,” the lawyer said.  “As a high-bracket taxpayer I’m not prepared to do anything about it, but I understand.”

Scalia:  “So I sez to him I sez, here’s one for you and one for the horse your rode in on.”

“Counselor,” Justice Scalia, interjected, and we all braced ourselves for a high-IQ onslaught.  “Nino” as he is affectionately referred to by those in whom he inspires affection, is the only world-class poker player on the court, with a prodigous memory capable of rattling off the actors and actresses who appeared in the Brady Bunch at the drop of a hat.  You have to take off your hat when you come into the Supreme Court, but I’ve seen him do it.

“Counselor,” Scalia began, and nobody coulda guessed where he was headed.  “Don’t you think that some people, horse whisperers or others, might have some patentable insights into the best way to train animals?”

“You have horse breath.”

“Your honor,” the lawyer began, “with all due respect to Robert Redford, who did a great job in that movie . . .”

“I thought he was cute in The Way We Were,” Justice Ginsburg said by way of interruption.  Ruth’s like that–always butting in.

“As I was saying,” the lawyer continued, “I think horse whispering is overrated.  Anybody can talk to a horse, and in the case of Mr. Ed, the horse can even talk back, so I think it fails the test of obviousness.  Goldfish whisperers, now that’s another story.”

“You touch it, you play it.”

I’d been watching Sonia Sotomayor, the newest justice, out of the corner of my eye.  I knew she was single–the only single woman ever to sit on the Supreme Court!  She was just chomping at the bit to ask a question, and as soon as she saw daylight, she hit the hole running.

“Counselor, let me pose a hypothetical,” she said, easing into her query.  “Let’s say someone came up with a really effective system of speed dating . . . “

“Really?  A Supreme Court Justice?  Wow!  I’m . . . a valet parking attendant.”

“Speed dating?”  The guy was clueless–probably hadn’t been inside a singles bar since the Johnson administration.

“Yes, speed dating.  It’s a formalized method for singles to meet a large number of new people, invented by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah.”

“I’m not familiar with the process, your honor.”

“Men and women rotate through a series of short ‘dates’ lasting from 3 to 8 minutes.  First impressions are usually accurate, except Congressional first impressions of me, which were totally wrong.”

“We only have a couple of seconds, so let me just say that I love you madly.”

“Okay, I follow you.”

“Anyway, suppose someone came up with a system of screening out the men who don’t have jobs as prestigious as Supreme Court Justice.  In my mind, that would be a very valuable enhancement to a process that is currently very hit-or-miss.  Wouldn’t you agree?”

The guy was drenched in flop sweat.  You never want to disagree with a Supreme Court Justice, but if he agreed with her, wouldn’t he be saying she needed help with a courtship technique that was already steeped in desperation?

“Your honor, I see my time is just about up . . .”

“I have discretion to grant you extra time,” she said with an icy tone.  “I’m waiting . . .”

“Your honor,” he said, and I could tell he was stalling for time.  “There are some women who are too good for any man.  Beautiful, talented, brilliant–I think you know the type.  Anyway, there are some improvements that are beyond the imagination of even the brightest minds.  So I don’t think that’s possible.”

If there was a rule against hyperbole before the Court I wouldn’t have a job.  But there isn’t, so I have to sit through this kind of sugar-coated b.s. every day.

She looked him up and down, taking the measure of the man.  “No further questions,” she said finally.  “Anybody else?”

“Yes.”  It was Justice Thomas, who never says a thing at oral argument.  “Can somebody get me a Diet Coke?”

Willie (Dixon) and Me

Worcester, Massachusetts is not even a byway, much less a highway, of the blues.  Mississippi’s Highway 61, Memphis’s Beale Street, Chicago’s Stony Island Avenue, home of the Burning Spear–those public ways will take you to the blues, but not the streets of New England’s second-largest city.

Isiah Thomas:  “Who me?  I wasn’t even born then!”

Worcester is better known for Isaiah Thomas (the colonial printer, not the basketball player), Bob Cousy (the basketball player, not the colonial printer) and not one but two members of The Algonquin Roundtable of literary wits, Robert Benchley and S.H. Behrman.  Take that Hartford!

Isaiah Thomas:  You can tell them apart by the extra “a”.

I have written elsewhere about my chance musical encounter with Mississippi Fred McDowell, but on the South Side of Chicago, where I played with him, you’re surprised if you don’t run into a blues legend.  In Worcester, you are more likely to see a Kilgore Rangerette than a member of the seminal group of musicians associated with Chicago’s Chess Studios, where the urban blues and r&b sound was forged.

Kilgore Rangerette (not shown actual size)

Worcester is better known as the place where a group of white British blues imitators–the Rolling Stones–dropped in to a club called Sir Morgan’s Cove to warm up for their 1981 American tour.  These days, more people probably know about that surprise gig than anything S.H. Behrman ever wrote.  Hell, more people claim to have been there (I wasn’t) than know who S.H. Behrman was.

Chess Records, 2120 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago

But it was in Worcester that I stumbled into a club one night with a friend to find Dixon, playing stand-up bass, leading a group of Chicago musicians that included Carey Bell, a blues harp player who never got the acclaim he deserved. 

The Rolling Stones, Sir Morgan’s Cove, Worcester, Mass.  I know the guy who took this picture if you’d like to buy a copy.

I’d seen Bell play when I lived in Chicago, but not Dixon, who was a patriarch of the blues.  Gods do not answer letters, John Updike wrote of Ted Williams, nor do they play neighborhood gigs.  Dixon’s relationship with the white owners of Chess Records was strained, however, and the friction stemmed from Dixon’s discovery in the 70′s, when his health was beginning to fail, of how much value he’d brought to the record label, and how little of it he’d received.  Dixon consequently spent a good deal of time in his later years–the 70′s and 80′s–on the road, trying to support himself.

Carey Bell

The list of Willie’s compositions reads like a 60′s and 70′s hit parade; Back Door Man (covered by The Doors), Hoochie Coochie Man (The Allman Brothers, Steppenwolf, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix), I Ain’t Superstitious (The Yardbirds, The Grateful Dead), I Just Want to Make Love to You (The Animals, The Kinks, The Yardbirds), Little Red Rooster (The Rolling Stones) and Spoonful (Cream, Canned Heat, Ten Years After).

 

Willie Dixon

In short, Dixon was a Cole Porter and Gershwin Brothers of the blues, rolled into one.  He even looked the part, as he was (to paraphrase a line from one of his songs) built for comfort and not for speed.  Or to borrow the title from another song of his, he was literally 300 Pounds of Joy.

The crowd that night was small, which was good for Willie’s constitution, since he didn’t have to sing out over a noisy room, but bad for business, as the group was no doubt playing just for the gate receipts.  At the end of their set, Willie asked if anybody in the audience wanted to jam.

There are certain opportunities that come your way but once in life.  The tide in the affairs of the blues, as Shakespeare’s Brutus might have put it, was at the flood, and I took it.

I introduced myself as a former resident of the South Side of Chicago, and it was old home week.  I told Willie I’d learned to play harmonica there, and Carey Bell offered me his.

Taking a harmonica from Carey Bell to jam is like being handed a violin by Itzhak Perlman in front of an orchestra.  You need to remind yourself that you’re not going to do any better than him, so don’t get fancy.  I don’t remember what we played, but my roommate told me afterwards that I didn’t totally embarrass myself.

Willie’s leg had to be amputated due to diabetes in the 80′s, and he died in 1992.  He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame posthumously in 1994, years after many of the white groups who made their names and fortunes singing his songs. 

Teenage Boys Urge Victoria’s Secret to Retain “Too Sexy” Policy

COLUMBUS, Ohio.  Angry crowds of teenage boys descended on Victoria’s Secret headquarters here today in an effort to persuade the lingerie company to retain its current “too sexy” image, which the company has indicated it may drop.

“You’ll take my catalog away from me when you pry my cold, dead, slippery fingers off of it!”

“That is just totally insane,” said Adam Feldman, a sophomore at Bernie Kosar High School.  “Saying something is ‘too sexy’ is like saying ‘I have too much money’–it doesn’t make sense.”

Pouty model:  Why the long face?

The youths were reacting to comments by current CEO Sharen Turney that the company, which distributes free catalogs of buxom models wearing nothing but pouty expressions and its revealing underwear, had grown “too sexy” and had “forgotten the ultra feminine.”  “We did a survey of elderly Trappist monks and determined that 18% preferred women in flannel nightgowns, 27% preferred seed catalogs, and 62% didn’t understand the question,” Turney said at a news conference to discuss fourth quarter earnings.  When a reporter pointed out that this added up to more 100%, Turney said “You’ll have to check with accounting–I don’t answer mathematical questions.”

Children’s Crusade

Youth protest has a long and honorable history in Western civilization dating back to the Children’s Crusade of 1212, in which hordes of young people marched to the Holy Land seeking scarce Nintendo MCCXII Boxes, a precursor to the video games of today.  When the crusaders reached Jerusalem and discovered that local “Toys Art I and Thou” stores had sold out, they stormed a convent in what is believed to be the first panty raid in history.

Lanz nightgown:  Very sexy, if you don’t like sex.

Victoria’s Secret designers are said to be secluded in a top-secret “skunk works” design bunker in a Presbyterian church basement in Needham, Massachusetts, where they are working on next season’s line by tracing selections from a Lanz Nightgown catalog.  “Lanz has the most erotically-repellent sleepwear on the market today,” said Dianne von de Velde, a reporter for Women’s Wear Daily.  “They’re used in third world countries to control the population.”

New England Takes Steps to Reverse Beauty Queen Drought

WORCESTER, Mass.  Karen Spilika has dreamed of being a beauty queen since she was a little girl, dressing up in swimsuits and high heels and parading before her bedroom mirror singing “There She Is–Miss America”, the theme song of the most widely-known pageant.  “Other girls may want to cure terrible diseases or help students overcome learning disabilities,” she says.  “I’d rather win first and then pick out something like that as my ‘Platform’,” the signature cause each Miss America chooses to promote during her reign.

 

“Here I am, Miss A-Whole-Lot-Better-Looking-Than-You-Are!”

But the odds are long that Karen will ever realize her goal, and it has nothing to do with her looks, her figure, or her accordion-playing talent.  “New England has just got a jinx against it,” she says, and indeed, statistics bear her out.  In the 86-year history of the Miss America Pageant, only one girl from the six-state region has ever won–Marian Bergeron of West Haven, Connecticut in 1933.

 

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall–does this mean I’m gonna look like Amy Winehouse when I get tall?”

“It’s not as if our girls aren’t pretty,” says Oliver Buchter, executive director of the New England Regional Beauty Queen Task Force, an intergovernmental body created to raise the region’s profile in the world of beauty pageants.  “Yes, there are a lot of sarcastic girls in Massachusetts, and snooty ones in Connecticut, but there are also a lot of fresh-faced ingenues up in the mountains of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont if we could only lure them out of the woods.”

 

“I just want to say I was for ending world hunger before Miss Texas and Miss Florida were.”

One concrete suggestion that the Task Force has come up with is the creation of the sort of “minor league” pageants that girls in other areas of the country use to hone their skills before they reach the national stage.  “In Cole Camp, Missouri, you’ve got the Miss Sorghum Contest.  In Hoxie, Arkansas you’ve got the Miss Largemouth Bass Festival.  In Macon, Georgia, you’ve got the Miss Pellagra Pageant,” says Buchter.  “Other areas of the country are developing their farm teams–we’ve got to do the same thing.”

 

“Stop pulling my hair–you can have the stupid tiara!”

So each New England state has been charged with responsibility for the creation of a network of minor beauty festivals that the region’s governors hope will produce the sort of deep bench strength that an Alabama or Mississippi can draw on come summertime, when slender, beautiful young women from around the nation tread the catwalks of Atlantic City, Las Vegas and other venues.

State representatives have so far created the following “junior varsity” pageants, which will debut this summer:

 

Miss Abrasives Festival, Worcester, Mass.  “Worcester is known as the Industrial Abrasives Capital of the World,” says Karen’s dad Richie Spilika.  “We want to highlight our girls against that backdrop, which makes just about anything look pretty.”

 

“I hear they’re hiring over at the beauty pageant.”

Miss Unemployment, Bridgeport, Connecticut.  This gritty industrial city was once home to P.T. Barnum, the circus promoter famous for saying “There’s a sucker born every minute.”  ”People are always throwing that in our faces,” says Paul Scorzito, a convenience store owner.  “I’d like to see us get known for our girls’ baton-twirling skills.”

 

Baton twirlers, Bridgeport, CT

Miss Potato Harvest, Bangor, Maine.  Maine produces more potatoes than any state except Idaho, and teenagers are traditionally released from high school to help with the harvest.  “It could be a problem in the swimsuit competition,” says Armand Aubuchon, the town’s mayor.  “You can hide your carbs in the winter, but not in the summer.”

 

“I’ve been doing yoga and it’s really helped my figure!”

Miss Snowmobile Festival, Craftsbury, Vermont.  Snowmobiling is a fun family activity, but one that tends to discourage teenage girls from developing the Barbie-like, hourglass figures favored by beauty pageant judges.  “We’ll hold the swimsuit part indoors,” says Lyle Mahoney, owner of a snowmobile repair shop.  “Then there’ll be a series of sprints and a ‘poker run’ through the woods outside of town.”  

 

Miss Hunting Accident, Laconia, New Hampshire.  Hunting accidents are New Hampshire’s fastest growing industry, as payments by out-of-state insurers fill the coffers of state hospitals and physicians every fall.  “This is our way of saying ‘Thank you’ to all those idiots who shoot friends and family members in the mistaken belief that they’re deer,” says state Fish and Game Warden Jeffrey Marston.  “Come enjoy the Q&A during the ‘Presence and Poise’ segment of the competition while you recuperate.”

 

Miss Coffee Milk Pageant, Pawtucket, Rhode Island.  Coffee milk is the state drink of Rhode Island, and a delicacy that is found nowhere else in America.  “It goes great with hot dogs,” says Frank Trimarco, a local accountant.  ”The winning girl will be the one whose complexion most closely matches our native concoction.”

Networks Issue Retractions of Erroneous Levi-Strauss Obituaries

NEW YORK.  The three major television networks issued hurried retractions tonight after their evening news anchors confused French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss, who died Saturday, with the inventor of blue jeans.

Couric:  “Blue jeans came to be seen not just as an article of clothing, but an article of faith.”

“Journalists write the first draft of history and nobody gets everything right on the first draft,” said NBC News President Steve Capus.  “Still, we ought to be able to distinguish between a pair of pants and the study of digging stuff up.”  When informed that he was probably thinking of archaeology, not anthropology, Capus replied “Don’t tell me what to think!”

Ann-Margaret:  Nice . . . uh . . . hyphen.

Claude Levi-Strauss was the last of an imposing generation of French intellectuals that included Jean-Paul Sartre, Alain Robbe-Grillet and Ann-Margaret, among other hyphenated eggheads.  His 100th birthday last year was marked in his home country by an official state visit from French President Nicolas Sarkozy, and the distribution of complimentary packages of La Vache Qui Rit snack-size cheese packs to schoolchildren.

Levi-Strauss:  “Who’s Katie Couric?”

Katie Couric of NBC is the only female prime-time news anchor for the three major television networks.  The other two are Charles Gibson of ABC, a man, and Brian Williams of NBC, an incredibly-lifelike cyborg.

 

Ha-ha.

Couric said that Levi-Strauss had discovered blue jeans while doing fieldwork in Brazil.  Gibson asserted that Levi-Strauss invented blue jeans in a fitting room at a Gap store in Paris, shouting “Watson, come here–I need you.”  Williams said Levi-Strauss had identified the blue gene while teaching at the College de France, but had exchanged it for a pair of plain-front khakis.

Dolphins’ Porter Takes Off on New England

MIAMI.  His Dolphin teammates laughed and said it was only a matter of time.  “You guys want a story?” center Jake Grove said to writers who had gathered around his locker.  “Go talk to Joey–he’ll give you one.”

Porter:  “I caught ‘em, and I’m gonna eat ‘em!”

Like a long-dormant volcano, outspoken Miami linebacker Joey Porter erupted yesterday, pouring forth a lava flow of provocative comments that are sure to provide hot bulletin-board material in the New England Patriots’ locker room before this Sunday’s game.

“I just don’t like New England,” Porter said as reporters scurried to get his remarks down on tape.  “Never have, since I was a little kid.”  Porter visited New England as a boy, and was told by a soda jerk at Howard Johnson’s, the restaurant chain founded in Quincy, Massachusetts, that he couldn’t have a milk shake.


Howard Johnson’s

“I started crying, man,” Porter said, growing emotional.  “Then the guy laughs and says ‘But I can give you a frappe,’” the term used for a milk shake in New England.  “Why you want to mess with a little kid like that? Don’t give me that frappe crappe.”


The Town Meeting, by Norman Rockwell:  “We don’t need a new fire truck.”

Porter says New England is overrated for other reasons.  “I’m gonna be in Tom Brady’s face all day,” he predicted.  “Their O-Line sucks, and the open town meeting form of government is just a bunch of loudmouths arguing about how much to spend on a fire truck–I watched it on cable.”


Lowell:  “You really think Porter can keep up with Randy Moss in man-to-man coverage?”

Porter blamed the media for egging him on.  “You guys want to talk about everything except football.  Yesterday some punk from The Boston Globe asked me ‘Agree or disagree: Robert Lowell is the greatest American poet of the 20th century.’  Hell, man–disagree.  “‘Everywhere, giant finned cars nose forward like fish; a savage servility
slides by on grease.’
  That stinks.”


Ralph Waldo Emerson:  “Names are like prunes.  One’s not enough, three’s about right.”

When reminded that Lowell had been praised by The Atlantic Monthly, the literary and cultural magazine founded in Boston by Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, among others, Porter didn’t back down.  “The Atlantic Monthly?  Please.  They don’t even have a sports page.”

“And don’t get me started about Boston Baked Beans,” Porter said as he pulled on his helmet.  “They’re disgusting.”

Chief: Female Justices Deciding Cases by Cootie Catchers

WASHINGTON.  Chief Justice John Roberts today took the unusual step of publicly criticizing his two female colleagues on the U.S. Supreme Court, saying they were deciding cases by “cootie catchers” and other modes of legal analysis that were inscrutable to their male colleagues.

Roberts:  “If you’ve got cooties, you should stay home from court.”

“When I get together with Justice Ginsburg for a few glasses of chardonnay, yes we sometimes have a friendly game of ‘cootie catcher’,” said Sonia Sotomayor, the third female justice in U.S. history and the most recent appointee to the Court.  “Is there anything so wrong with that, other than the belief that our lives are controlled by irrational forces that can be revealed by a folded-up piece of paper?”

Cootie Catcher

A “cootie catcher” is a fortune-telling device that is made by making a series of folds in a square piece of paper by a process that cannot be understood by members of the male sex.  Players take turns picking a number between one and ten, and the “catcher” is opened and closed that number of times.  When the process is completed, the player lifts one of the flaps to determine her fortune.  Sotomayor drew “Guilty!” in response to a question regarding a last-minute appeal from a convicted criminal on death row in a Utah state prison, and Ginsburg, the only other female justice, chose the flap that revealed “You will meet a cute boy at the Tysons Corner Galleria!”

Posner:  “This is what comes of allowing women to teach anything other than spelling.”

Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Richard Posner scoffed at the superstitious pastime, saying it was a reflection of declining standards in legal education.  “Next thing you know they’ll be playing jacks in judges’ chambers and writing dissenting opinions on Nancy Drew mysteries,” said Posner, who is frequently mentioned as a possible Supreme Court nominee but has been passed over several times because he does not watch sports on television.  “I’m not a guy’s guy kind of guy,” Posner noted, “but that’s no reason to appoint a girl ahead of me.”  

 

A case before the Supreme Court is commenced by a petition for a writ of certiorari, and legal correspondents listen to the Court’s two female justices at noon recess for clues as to how they will rule on upcoming cases.

Nina Totenberg:  “My head hurts right here.”

National Public Radio’s legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg recently scooped her male colleagues when she participated in a “double-dutch” jump rope session with Sotomayor and Ginsburg that produced the following couplet.

We got your petition but we’re really sorry–
We’re not gonna give you a writ of certiorari

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Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

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