NEW YORK. The Journal of Psychoanalytical Studies, the leading academic publication dedicated to the thought of Sigmund Freud and his intellectual descendants, says it will give in to economic pressures next month and add nude pictures of leading female practitioners and patients to the magazine’s pages beginning with the spring issue, due to arrive in libraries and analysts’ offices in January.
“You appear to have an oral fixation, a repressed libido, and a bodacious set of ta-tas.”
“Freudians have always been accused of having sex on the brain,” said Editor-in-Chief Brian Schletzschoff. “I don’t know why we ever let Playboy get out in front of us when it comes to breasts.”
Skinner: “My pigeons will spot you five points and still whup your sorry ass in ping-pong.”
Freud was criticized in his time, and his influence has waned as more rigorous research has demonstrated that men are more interested in televised sports than sex, but he remains one of the most imposing figures of modern intellectual history.
And you thought I was kidding about the ping pong!
“After Freud, the next most important psychologist of the modern era is B.F. Skinner, who seemed more interested in teaching pigeons how to play ping-pong than human sexuality,” noted Karl Friedrich of the University of Illinois-Chicago. “If Skinner’s ideas had prevailed over Freud’s, the consequences for western civilization would have been enormous,” Friedrich noted, “with hybrid human-pigeons walking the streets naked, eating from discarded snack food bags, much like a Big 10 college campus on the morning after a big game.”
Kinsey: “How many times a day do you consider ’a lot’?”
The only other claimant to the throne of top dog of twentieth-century psychology is Alfred Kinsey, the American biologist who embarked upon a monumental study of human sexuality after abandoning his first love, the gull-wing wasp. “After Alfred discovered that a woman sitting on his lap felt better than a gull-wing wasp down his pants, he was a changed man,” noted Louise Boganovich, one of Kinsey’s last research subjects. “He came to prefer women, even though the wasps were cheaper dates since they didn’t eat as much and weren’t interested in movies.”
Anna Freud, Gisele Bundchen: Who’s hotter?
The first centerfold to be featured by The Journal of Psychoanalytical Studies will be Anna Freud, the sixth daughter of Sigmund who Schletzschoff says is “remarkably well-preserved” for a woman who died in 1982. “We were lucky to get her after we found out Gisele Bundchen was busy.”
Tags: comedy, freud, humor, psychoanalysis, psychology, satire, spoof
