WASHINGTON. Chief Justice John Roberts today took the unusual step of publicly criticizing his two female colleagues on the U.S. Supreme Court, saying they were deciding cases by “cootie catchers” and other modes of legal analysis that were inscrutable to their male colleagues.
Roberts: “If you’ve got cooties, you should stay home from court.”
“When I get together with Justice Ginsburg for a few glasses of chardonnay, yes we sometimes have a friendly game of ‘cootie catcher’,” said Sonia Sotomayor, the third female justice in U.S. history and the most recent appointee to the Court. “Is there anything so wrong with that, other than the belief that our lives are controlled by irrational forces that can be revealed by a folded-up piece of paper?”
Cootie Catcher
A “cootie catcher” is a fortune-telling device that is made by making a series of folds in a square piece of paper by a process that cannot be understood by members of the male sex. Players take turns picking a number between one and ten, and the “catcher” is opened and closed that number of times. When the process is completed, the player lifts one of the flaps to determine her fortune. Sotomayor drew “Guilty!” in response to a question regarding a last-minute appeal from a convicted criminal on death row in a Utah state prison, and Ginsburg, the only other female justice, chose the flap that revealed “You will meet a cute boy at the Tysons Corner Galleria!”
Posner: “This is what comes of allowing women to teach anything other than spelling.”
Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Richard Posner scoffed at the superstitious pastime, saying it was a reflection of declining standards in legal education. “Next thing you know they’ll be playing jacks in judges’ chambers and writing dissenting opinions on Nancy Drew mysteries,” said Posner, who is frequently mentioned as a possible Supreme Court nominee but has been passed over several times because he does not watch sports on television. “I’m not a guy’s guy kind of guy,” Posner noted, “but that’s no reason to appoint a girl ahead of me.”
A case before the Supreme Court is commenced by a petition for a writ of certiorari, and legal correspondents listen to the Court’s two female justices at noon recess for clues as to how they will rule on upcoming cases.
Nina Totenberg: “My head hurts right here.”
National Public Radio’s legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg recently scooped her male colleagues when she participated in a “double-dutch” jump rope session with Sotomayor and Ginsburg that produced the following couplet.
We got your petition but we’re really sorry–
We’re not gonna give you a writ of certiorari
Tags: humor, spoof, comedy, satire, us supreme court
