Thanks to a recent devaluation in the flemux, the national currency of Freedonia, there has never been a better time to visit the country known as “The Gateway to Several Other Countries.” But most of us have been left ignorant of the native tongue of Freedonia because we wasted our time in high school learning how to ask “Where is the library?” in French, or “I had the cheese enchilada, I need a bathroom fast!” in Spanish.
200, 500 and 1,000 flemux notes
“Dwi NOS-korp te uliz-blek.”
It is considered importunate to direct a compliment–or even an insult–to a Freedonian unless your grandparents were introduced two generations ago. Freedonians thus resort to the use of “familiars”, animals such as the black cats favored by witches, in order to pay their respects to each other.
Travel tip: Do not attempt to stuff your alligator in the overhead compartment on the flight to Freedonia.
Translation: “I would like to swap mucus with you.”
The Freedonian people are an earthy, lusty race, capable of both long and deep friendships and quick, five-minute assignations in the country’s many colorful phone booths.
“C’mon in–there’s plenty of room!”
How will you know when an attractive Freedonian lady has decided to become your little knarlkrecht, or turnip dumpling? When she agrees to trade mucus with you over a steaming bowl of horschlatz, a hearty peasant soup made from water, salt, and even more water.
“Ul zyzygz don MARST-noprek!”
Translation: “Do you think I have the brain of a weasel!”
He’s got a weasel’s brain.
Freedonian businessmen are known for driving a hard bargain when selling wolframite, a precious stone made from compressed tungsten that is used in industrial drill bits and costume jewelry. Use this phrase to tell someone who’s trying to “gyp” you that you didn’t just fall off a turnip truck.
Freedonian wasteland
Translation: “Don’t Bogart that celery root and cardamom, dude!”
At the end of the day, Freedonians like to kick back and relax with a twelve-ounce bottle of blorscht-nik, fermented celery root spiked with cardamom, a drink that will remind your parched palate of Colt .45 Malt Liquor.
Hands across the malt liquor
If you going to play a few hands of Piatskipekka Hold’em, a regional variation of the national card game, be sure and eat plenty of biertski nutz to keep your wits about you.
