WASHINGTON. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton extended an olive branch to terrorist network al Qaeda yesterday, saying she would work to get them laid in an effort to reduce world tensions.
Clinton: “Seriously–you’ll be much more relaxed!”
“I know my husband always gets grouchy when I cut him off,” Clinton said as she highlighted passages in a Gideon Koran she found in her hotel room while visiting Dubai. “Then he goes off on one of his bimbo excursions and it’s a win-win for both of us.”
“Thanks, but I like a woman with slimmer ankles.”
The link between sexual frustration and terrorism was made clear over the Christmas holidays when “underpants bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s blog citing the tension between his religious beliefs and his desire to hook-up with hot babes was discovered.
Abdulmutallab
“I like long walks on the beach,” wrote Abdulmutallab in one post, “me in my Speedo, you covered head to toe in your hijab to reduce the possibility of skin cancer.”
Surf’s up!
Historians believe the high rate of infidelity among western male politicians is responsible for the low rate of civil wars and international conflicts in and between European nations and the United States. “It’s the opposite of a boxer in training,” said Marty Dundee, manager of WBA cruiserweight contender James “The Hammer” Poindexter. “If you’re getting enough, you got no reason to fight.”
Clinton’s proposal at first met with confusion as translators struggled to render the term “cuddle” in Arabic. Former President Clinton was called in and provided several cognates and euphemisms. “I did not know what he meant by ‘poontang’,” said Abu Musab al-Zawahiri, “but ‘nookie’ is universal language everyone understands.”
