BRUSSELS, Belgium. In a sign that the European Union will exact harsh concessions from countries that receive bailout funds, the government of Ireland today agreed to end its sponsorship of Lucky Charms and Irish Spring soap, two consumer products that have irritated both member nations and the United States for many years.
“Why don’t you ask the Greeks if they want some?”
“While Ireland’s fiscal troubles can be traced to improvident commercial real estate loans, we will use our leverage to impose broader social reforms,” said Olli Rehn, EU economy commissioner. “I’d like to take a ball peen hammer to that stupid Lucky Charms leprechaun, but unfortunately we outlawed capital punishment.”
National Honor Society members try Irish Spring Body Wash for some responsible excitement.
Irish Spring is a unisexual, gag-inducing deodorant soap that keeps birthrates low in Ireland. In America, it is used by female high school yearbook editors whose mothers won’t let them wear perfume in order to attract the sports editor of the school paper or the bass player in the “combo” that was runner-up in this year’s Battle of the Bands.
Foustanellas
The European Union took harsher measures against Ireland after men in Greece, the first eurozone country to receive aid, continued to wear the foustanella, a skirt-like garment with 400 pleats, each representing one year of Turkish rule over the Greeks. “It is no wonder Greece went bankrupt,” the EU’s Rehn said. “Do you know how much it costs to dry clean one of those things?”
