Unemployment is stubbornly high, which means more competition for jobs in the want ads. Here are some little-known professions that economists predict will experience high wage levels and robust growth next year.
Salmon Counselor. These tasty fish swim upstream to spawn, but don’t know why. “‘What’s it all about? and ‘Is that all there is?’ are questions we hear all the time,” says Washington State Fish and Game Warden Jim Visbeck. “I haven’t got time to be a psychoanalyst to a bunch of neurotic fish who are going to end up as $20 entrées in a couple of months anyway.” As a result, his department will add five salmon counselors this fall, and at least that many next year. Academic requirements: Bachelor’s degree in psychology or wildlife management, swim test. Starting salary: $40,000.
Gondolier Cabbie. Global warming is already causing sea levels to rise around major East Coast cities such as New York and Boston. The streets are paved with water in many downtown business districts, making boxy yellow motor vehicles unsuitable as taxis. Department of Labor analyst Myron Simpson says cabbies will have to be retrained to work in the style of Venetian gondoliers as they convert to the picturesque Italian water shuttles. “Instead of ‘How ’bout those Knicks?’ they need a new shtick, like ‘How ’bout those Fortitudo Bolognas?’” he says. Academic requirements: Driver’s test. Starting salary: Varies, but includes lousy tips from out-of-towners.
“How ’bout a little menage a quatorze?”
Worm Sexer. Worms have historically reproduced asexually, but exposure to radiation after the nuclear accident at Chernobyl has caused Russian worms to shift to the style familiar to viewers of “Desperate Housewives.” Scientists predict that once other worms discover the joy of heterosexuality, they will all switch, opening up a new job category that didn’t exist before. “If you’re going to have boy and girl worms, somebody has to tell them apart,” says Department of Labor economist Ellen Wilton. “Why?” she is asked. “I don’t think I should use a naughty word on the Internet,” she says as she blushes. Academic requirements: Bachelor’s degree in biology; satisfactory completion of dissection lab. Starting salary: $35,000, plus all the dirt you can eat.
“My guy is not gonna be pushed around by some 42 year-old fast food shift manager.”
Fantasy Football Agent. With the growth of fantasy football leagues, many NFL players realize they are losing out on revenue opportunities. “You can expect to see the first fantasy Drew Rosenhaus in the summer of ‘11,” says analyst Ron Courier. “Players don’t want to risk a career-ending fantasy injury when they’re not getting paid by the geeks who spend their lives playing fantasy football.” Academic requirement: None. Starting salary: $60,000, payable in “fantasy” currency.
Carp Catcher. Japanese carp were brought to the U.S. in the ’70’s to control unwanted vegetation in fishing ponds. They escaped into the Missouri and Mississippi rivers, where they leap from the water if disturbed by outboard motors. “Either that, or they smell the Stuckey’s peanut brittle fishermen bring along as snacks,” says Leon Oehrke, a retired sheet metal worker who spends much of his time fishing. To ensure the safety of vacationers who take rides on large pleasure boats, cruise companies say they need to hire from five to eight carp catchers per outing. “There is nothing that will ruin a romantic dinner cruise like having a fish fly into your lap,” says Jean Marie Wingo, a cruise boat waitress, “unless you ordered the Catfish Basket.” Academic requirement: None. Starting salary, $12,500 per season (April-September), or $25 per carp caught on a piecework basis.
Ear and Nose Hair Barber. The baby-boomers are entering their golden years, and hairs are starting to sprout from the noses and ears of the male members of the generation that invented sex, took psychedelic drugs and is still hanging on to Iron Butterfly albums. “Taken on an ear-by-ear/nose-by-nose basis, these jobs are too small for a full-time chair in a barber shop,” says Department of Labor economist Philip Sterling. “But you could do a brisk business going house-to-house on a day-to-day basis,” he noted before running out of hyphens. Academic requirement: Six-month course at accredited barber college. Starting salary: Variable, but successful applicants can use clippings as stuffing for sofa cushions.
“Hey wait–Dukes of Hazzard is on tonight!”
Satellite Dish Repo Man. At one time one of the most popular means of enhancing television reception in remote areas, satellite dishes have fallen from favor as cable TV has expanded to nearly every US home. Payments of installments due on such devices that were sold on credit are increasingly late, leading the Bureau of Labor Statistics to predict foreclosures on a scale unseen since the Dust Bowl in the 1930’s, when radio antenna were seized in large numbers. “Somebody’s going to have to go out and rip those suckers off of mobile homes from North Carolina to Arkansas,” says Evan Ewing III, a junior economic analyst at the U.S. Department of Commerce. “It’s not going to be me.”
“He just loves the beach!”
Komodo Dragon Walker. This increasingly popular pet needs fresh air and sunshine just as much as French poodles, and yet professional dog walkers are reluctant to take them on as clients. “For some reason every time I bring a six-foot, three-hundred pound lizard along we end up losing one of the dogs,” says Cheryl Anne Salerno, owner of Tails in the Wind, a Newton, Mass., dog-walking service. “And I never even let them off the leash.”
Academic requirement: None. Dress code: Chain saw chaps recommended. Starting salary: High five figures, plus all the Harz Mountain Lizard Mix you can eat.
“Unh–can’t–move it!”
Computer mouse crud remover. U.S. productivity has declined as American service workers gum up their computer mouses running them over Cheese Doodles and honey-roast peanuts. “People used to take care of their mouses, or mice, back when they were glad not to have to tab for thirty seconds just to get out of a document and check email,” says Lyman Waxman, a sales technician at CompuDork in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “Now that they’re commonplace–the mice, not the people–it’s like the chick or the rabbit you get for Easter and take to the animal shelter by Memorial Day.”
Academic requirement: Bachelor’s degree in computer science. Dress code: “Dweeb chic.” Starting salary: Minimum wage–there’s a guy in Bangalore who’ll do this for five rupees a day and a dish of curry.
Tavares: You are getting sleepy–looking at our matching outfits.
Unemployment line place-holder. How are you supposed to get a job when you have to spend half a day in line at the Unemployment Office? “This problem was predicted way back in 1975 by Tavares, formerly known as Chubby and the Turnpikes,” says rock music historian Niles Merget. “In the unemployment line, you spend your life reading signs, waiting for your interview–they can shoot the whole day for you,” he sings, recalling the group’s hit “It Only Takes a Minute.” Academic requirement: Are you kidding? Starting salary: Minimum wage, payable in discount pizza coupons.
“This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.”
Dancing With the Stars Viewer Chiropractor. Knee and ankle injuries skyrocket during the “Dancing With the Stars” season as avid viewers at home attempt to replicate complicated dance steps performed by clumsy pseudo-celebrities. “The dancing itself isn’t hard,” notes TV Guide Fitness columnist Marion Gomez. “When you imitate a clumsy pseudo-celebrity, you’re mimicking an imitation of an impersonation of a travesty, which gets tricky.” Chiropractic license required. Hours: 9-10 p.m. Eastern, 8-9 p.m. Central.
