The Perfumed Kitten

The cat had come to the house on a cold October night.  Mom went to the front door when we opened the drapes and saw her, an orange tabby, meowing as if she already belonged us.   I don’t know what possessed Mom to take the cat in.  We already had a collie in the back yard who gave her no end of trouble.  He would jump the fence and run the neighborhood in the mornings when she had to get us off to school.

            She brought the cat in–it was starved for food and attention.  It rubbed everybody’s legs and purred so loud you could hear it across the living room.  We gave it some of the dog’s food and put it down in the basement for the night.  Since it was quiet and didn’t wake Dad up, he let us keep it in the morning and didn’t make us take it to the animal shelter.

            We named her Big Cat—I don’t know why.  Maybe because she was already grown when we got her, unlike the kittens we’d seen in the pet store window that Dad wouldn’t let us have.  She figured out how to go in a cat box the first night, and there was never any issue after that.

            We found out around Christmas that Big Cat had been pregnant.  She went missing for a few days, then we found her behind the couch, then she disappeared again.  Then one night we heard her in the basement and went down to check on her and she was having kittens. 

She had five in all; four that looked like her, orange or mixed orange and white, and one black calico one.  The first four we named Mitsy and Kitsy and Trixie and Bitsy.  I guess we’d run out of names when we got to the black calico; we decided to just call her “Baby Kitty.”

            The other four were taken as soon as they were old enough; every little girl in the neighborhood wanted a kitten of her own, but nobody wanted Baby Kitty.  She wasn’t as lively as the others, and by the time the other four were taken she wasn’t cute anymore.  Everybody who’d come to the house ignored Baby Kitty for one of the others.  It’s hard to give away a litter of kittens, and after a while we were resigned to the fact that we’d have two cats, not just one.

            We had Big Cat spayed, and then Baby Kitty when she was old enough, so we wouldn’t have to go through the process again, and then they settled in for a life as our cats.  Big Cat was the cock of the walk in our neighborhood, always getting into fights–and winning them.  We didn’t know whether she was sticking up for Baby Kitty or just feisty; we would hear a howl from across the street and see her heading up the hill towards a bigger cat, even a male, like a general leading the charge.  If Baby Kitty were around, she’d slink back to our side of the street and hide in the crawl space under the house.

            We began to worry about whether Baby Kitty would ever get married—Mom said she couldn’t have kittens, but we figured she could still have a boyfriend.  Mom said it wasn’t likely; boy cats wanted to have babies by girl cats, and they could tell if the girl cat couldn’t have them.  It sounded like a lonely life to us; Baby Kitty had probably figured out she’d been passed over by every human who’d come into our living room to look at the box of squirming kittens.  That must have hurt her feelings, and then she had to go out in the neighborhood, down into the storm drains or the alleys where everybody put their garbage out and the tom cats howled at night, only to hear them say “Sorry, I’m not interested,” like that girl Candace did to me last Valentine’s Day.

            I don’t know whose idea it was to take Baby Kitty around the neighborhood—probably my sister’s, but I was the one who thought of pulling her in the wagon.  That way people who hadn’t come to our house could see her and maybe take a liking to her.  I thought it was worth a try.

            We took the tiara from one of my sister’s dolls and got it to stay on Baby Kitty’s head.  We used one of dad’s pipe cleaners—the crown kind of leaned back like Baby Kitty’s ears on one of the rare occasions when she got mad, but we knew if we made it too tight she’d run away and scratch it off with a hind leg.  I thought she looked pretty good in it, but I’m not a tom cat.

            Then Caroline said if Baby Kitty had perfume on boy cats would like her better.  I said we were trying to give her away, not get her a boyfriend, and Caroline said it didn’t matter, people liked perfume too, didn’t I know that?  I said okay, but the problem was getting the perfume downstairs without my mom hearing.  We had to get the perfume off of mom’s dresser because we couldn’t take Baby Kitty up the stairs with her crown on, mom would get suspicious. We decided that I would go up the back stairs and ask mom to get me a Q-Tip while Caroline snuck up the front and brought down the bottle of Evening in Paris I’d bought mom for Christmas.  Mom said I shouldn’t have, that I should save my money for college, that she didn’t need presents and that she loved me, but that wasn’t the point.  You wanted to give your mother a present—there’d be like a big hole inside of you all Christmas vacation if you didn’t.

            Anyway, Caroline got the Evening in Paris down the front stairs and out the door, then mom went back to her bathroom or her bedroom and didn’t notice, so we were pretty much set—we just had to spray Baby Kitty and we’d be on our way.

            “Don’t spray her in the face,” I told Caroline.  “Cats don’t like that.  Spray her from behind, otherwise she’ll run away.”  For once Caroline listened to me and just gave Baby Kitty a few squirts on her fur; she blinked but she didn’t seem to mind and then curled up and laid down in the wagon.  Baby Kitty, I mean, not Caroline.

            We walked down Harrison Street, me pulling the wagon and Caroline holding Baby Kitty down, not too hard, just petting her and letting her know she should just stay still.  Baby Kitty wasn’t jumpy like some cats—she’d lie there as long as you went slow and rubbed her under the chin.  There was a bunch of old women on the next block who we knew from selling Christmas cards; we figured maybe one of them would take pity on Baby Kitty and keep her.

            The first one was Mrs. McKenzie, the grandmother on the corner.  She was nice so it wasn’t hard for me to get up the nerve to ring her doorbell.  I pushed it until I heard a sound inside, then she came to door with a pretty big smile on her face.  She knew me because I would sometimes go into the rock garden in her back yard.  It had a hidden metal frog that seemed so real it surprised me the first time I saw it.  She never chased me away, she always let me stay.

            “Well hello there, young man,” she said.  She talked like that, like a kindergarten teacher at the door on the first day of school.  “What brings you down my way?”

            “We wanted to know if you’d like to buy a free kitten,” I said.  Caroline had picked Baby Kitty up and was holding her so Mrs. McKenzie could see.

            “Well, I don’t believe I can use one right now,” she said.  “I can call up Mrs. Joseph and she if she’d like one for my grandsons.”

            I knew the answer to that one; the Joseph boys hated cats, and threw rocks at them.  “No thank you,” I said.  “We’ll take our business elsewhere.  We appreciate your looking.”  I was trying to sound business-like, so she wouldn’t feel bad about turning us down.

            “Well, thank you for bringing him by,” she said.

            “It’s a her, but it’s been fixed,” Caroline called from the walkway, but I knew it wouldn’t make any difference—Mrs. McKenzie had already made her mind up.

            Next was the Schonfeld’s, halfway down the block.  We hardly ever went over there, but last summer they had cousins over and we were invited for lemonade.  The cousins were a boy and a girl and they were older and stuck-up.  The Schonfeld kids went to school out of town and were only home in the summer so we hardly ever saw them.

            I told Caroline it was her turn to ring the doorbell.  That’s how we sold Christmas cards, we’d take turns so one of us didn’t have to be embarrassed all the time.  We would spread the misery around that way and we wouldn’t be so discouraged when we got home.

            Caroline rang the bell two or three times and was about to walk away when somebody came to the door.  It was a man—he just had on his pants and an undershirt, and I think he’d been sleeping.

            “Yes?” he said when he came to the door.  It was Mr. Schonfeld; he didn’t recognize us because he was never around when we came over.

            “Hi,” Caroline began, and I could tell she was nervous.  “We were wondering if you were looking for a kitten.”  I didn’t think her sales pitch was as good as mine.

            “No, we didn’t lose a cat,” the man said, and started to close the door.

            “She didn’t mean that,” I yelled out from the sidewalk.  “We have an extra kitten we’re giving away free—she’s already fixed.”

            Mr. Schonfeld looked at me like he was all woke up now, like he understood.  “We don’t need any cats, thank you,” he said as he closed the door.

            I could tell Caroline was upset by how short Mr. Schonfeld was with her, so I put my arm around her as we walked away.  “That’s okay—I’ll take the next two houses,” I said.

            We tried one more on the corner where the Youngs lived, then we walked down the other side of the block to where we knew there was a big family named the Hunters.  They had a lot of kids and there was always something going on there.  They had an old rusty truck that sat out in the front yard; my mom would make that noise of hers when we drove by and one time she called it a “disgrace.”

            Still, we figured with a lot of kids maybe they’d want a cat—I reminded myself to say kitten.  Their house was katty-corner from the Jones’ place, across Grand, a busy street.  There wasn’t a stop light, so we had to wait until there wasn’t any traffic, then go fast enough to get across without getting hit but not so fast that Baby Kitty would jump out and run away.

            When we got across the street we stopped to catch our breath and looked the Hunter place over.  We heard the back screen door bang and one of the kids came flying around the house to the side yard.  He was one of the younger ones, probably running away from a big brother, I figured.  He hid behind a tree, and didn’t turn around as we walked over to the sidewalk that ran alongside his house—he was peeking Indian-style around the tree and didn’t notice us.  He finally turned around when we got closer and he heard us.

            “Is your family looking for a house pet, because if so, we have the one for you,” I said.  I played Santa Claus in my fourth grade play and have also been in an oratorical contest, so I know how to project myself and catch people’s attention.

            The boy didn’t say anything—he just held his finger up to his mouth and said “shh” real low, lower than a teacher would say it because he didn’t want to be heard.  Caroline and I just stood there for a second waiting for him to ambush whoever was chasing him.  We didn’t see the bigger kid come out of the bush behind us, and neither did the boy behind the tree, because before he knew it the bigger kid had jumped on his back and wrestled him to the ground.

            They were having fun at first, you could hear them laughing, then it turned mean.  The bigger boy got on top and pinned the other boy to the ground by kneeling on his arms, then he started punching him in the face.

            “Make them stop it,” Caroline said to me.

            “It’s none of our business,” I said to her.  I didn’t think I could take either one of them.

            While we were watching the boys and weren’t looking Baby Kitty had hopped out of the wagon and was walking around in the side yard, which was part grass and part dirt, unlike the houses up on the street where we lived.  Caroline noticed and yelled “Baby Kitty!” real loud and that brought a woman to the window.  I guess she’d been sitting on a couch in the front parlor all that time and hadn’t done anything to stop the fight.  She had real big arms and a sleeveless top on.  She looked like she was hot and was trying to stay cool.

            “Is your cat lost?” the woman said through the window—there wasn’t any screen.

            “No ma’am,” I said.  “We are showing her around the neighborhood to interested parties.  If you’d like, we can bring her inside for you to look at.”

            “Bring her ‘round to the back door,” she said.  She was smiling and her teeth were brown at the gums.  “Darrell, Gene Ray—stop that!” she yelled at the boys, but they just kept on fighting.

            We wheeled Baby Kitty around to the back and the woman opened the door.  A little girl stood behind her skirts; she was skinny and had a pink nightgown on—in the middle of the day.

            “Here kitty, kitty,” the woman said as she bent down to pet Baby Kitty.  She had on a pair of cut-off blue jean shorts and no shoes.  The little girl stood behind her, her eyes opened wide.  My mom says there are some children who do not have the advantages we have of going on trips to the St. Louis Zoo and such, so maybe she’d never seen a cat before.

            “That’s a mighty pretty cat you got there,” the woman said.  “She’s all parti-colored, see sugar?”  The woman gathered the little girl under her arm.  “Is it all right if she pets it?”

            “Sure,” I said.  “She’s a real sweet cat and never harmed anybody.”

            The woman took the little girl’s right hand and put it down on the head of Baby Kitty, who didn’t mind at all.  I was telling the truth, she had never scratched me or my sisters.  Of course, she also didn’t play much either, that was the other side of her personality, but I figured I didn’t have to tell them that.

            “Doesn’t she smell good?” the woman said to the little girl, who had started to smile just a little.  “I believe that’s the best-smelling cat I’ve ever seen.”

            “We put Evening in Paris perfume on her,” Caroline said, which I wish she hadn’t.  I wanted them to think she smelled like that all the time.

            “Is the kitty a princess?” the little girl asked.

            “No, but she likes to dress up,” I said.

            “Lots of cats won’t let you dress them up, but she’s not like that,” Caroline said.  “She’s just like a doll that way.”

            That made the little girl excited—I guess she figured she could get a pet and a doll at the same time.  “Can we keep it?” she asked her mother.

            “You know your daddy, sugar,” the woman said.  “He’s allergic to cats, and ‘sides we’ve already got Spike.”

            “Who’s Spike?” I asked.

            “He’s the German shepherd over there,” the woman said, pointing to a chain-link pen alongside the garage that stood next to the alley.

            The German shepherd was looking at the three of us and started to growl when he saw Baby Kitty.  “Is he dangerous?” I asked.

            “Only when my husband lets him off his chain,” the woman said.  “Don’t worry, he can’t git you now.”

            The dog barked loud and I could tell Caroline was getting nervous.  I didn’t think it was a good idea to give Baby Kitty to a home where a dog could eat her up.

            “Well, if you already have enough pets then we won’t trouble you anymore,” I said.  “We just thought we’d see if you were in the market for a calico cat.”

            “Momma I want to keep her!” the little girl said, but Caroline put her hand on Baby Kitty’s back to make sure she didn’t run away from fear of the dog, and I grabbed the wagon handle and started to walk away.  The dog kept barking, and Baby Kitty made the noise she makes when some other cat wants to fight her—a low moan that’s not a meow and not a growl.

            “C’mon, let’s go,” Caroline said.

            As we made our way along the sidewalk the boys stopped fighting, apparently tired, and came up to us.

            “Is that a cat?” the smaller boy asked.  I felt like being sarcastic but I didn’t.  He liked to fight too much.

            “Yes, but your mom says you don’t need another pet,” I said and tried to move past them.

            “She ain’t my mom, she’s my step-mom.  She’s his mom,” the boy said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the bigger boy.  They both smiled as if this was some kind of accomplishment, or they were smarter than me because they knew what I didn’t.  How I was supposed to figure that out is beyond me.

            “We don’t think Baby Kitty would be safe with your dog,” Caroline said.

            “Baby Kitty?” the older boy said, then laughed.  “That ain’t no Baby Kitty, that’s a full-growed cat if you ask me.”

            We just kept moving until we got to Grand, then stopped and waited for the traffic to clear again.  I know my heart was beating fast, and Caroline was teary-eyed.  The only one of us who was calm was the cat, and I had to admit she wasn’t a kitten anymore.

A Belated Happy National Hairball Awareness Day to You

Saturday morning at my house.  Me and two cats, Rocco and Okie.  Three sullen males grunting their way through the day–as usual–while the wife’s out of town.


Rocco:  “You insensitive clod!”

And yet something’s–not quite right.  Okie, the elder cat, seems–distrait.  Taciturn.  Phlegmatic.  And those are just leftover vocab words from my son’s senior English class.


“Just leave me alone–okay?”

He sits on a windowsill, staring off into the middle distance, as if he’s depressed.  He’s indifferent to my attentions, or perhaps I should say more indifferent that he–or any other cat–is normally.  Rocco’s outside rolling in the dirt, so I amble up to him for a sidebar.

“Great day, huh?”

“Yeah.  I’m going to hassle those stupid long-haired chihuahuas next door.”

“Okay, but get that out of your system early–I want to take a nap this afternoon.  Hey–have you noticed anything funny about Okie?”


“Yip, yip, yip!”

“Funny strange, or funny ha-ha?”

“Strange.  He seems somewhat–distant today.”

Rocco looks at me with a pitiless expression and shakes his head.  “You are so freaking clueless.”

“What?”

He takes a second to scratch for a tick under his chin.  “It’s all about you–isn’t it?  You sit there at your computer all day in your own little world.  Never thinking about anybody else.”

“Hey–if I don’t sit at my computer all day, you don’t get any Iams Low Fat Weight Control Dry Cat Food.”

“Oh, whoop-de-do!  That stuff’s so bad I’d rather eat the bag.”

“You’ll thank me in a couple of years when every other cat in the neighborhood has a gut that’s dusting the floor.  But seriously–is something the matter with him?”

“Don’t you know what yesterday was?”


St. Swithin:  Peace out, dawg.

I search my memory.  Not Arbor Day.  Not my elder sister’s birthday.  St. Swithin’s Day?  Elizabeth Taylor’s wedding anniversary?  “I give up–what?”

Rocco closes his eyes, as if he can’t believe how stupid I am.  “It was National Hairball Awareness Day, you mook!”

I’m confused.  “Okie’s a short-hair.  Why would he get emotional about hairballs?”

“You are such an insensitive clod,” Rocco says, licking his white ruff.  “Hairballs can strike any cat, at any time–long or short-hair.”

“I didn’t know.  We get so many solicitations at work.  United Fund.  All kinds of diseases.  You don’t expect me to keep up with all of them, do you?”


National Hairball Awareness Poster Child

“Look–just because there’s no washed-up comedian doing a telethon for Hairball Awareness doesn’t mean you can completely ignore a cause that means so much to someone right in your own home!”


“Ack-ack-ack–it’s the sound of a hairball attack!”

“But I don’t . . .”

Rocco cuts me off.  “Okie’s mom died of a hairball.”

Okay.  ‘Nuf said.  I “get it”.  “Jeez–I didn’t realize.”

“You should go talk to him.  Maybe buy a bracelet, or at least a ribbon.”

I take out my wallet.  I’ve got four ones and a twenty.  Stupid cat won’t know the difference.

“And don’t try to stiff him like you do the mini-mites hockey kids who accost you at the stoplights with their coffee cans.”


“You cheap bastard–giving a kid a cents-off coupon for a granola bar!”

“You’re right.  I’ll go talk to him.”  I go back in the house and Okie’s still sitting where he was when I left, his chin on his paws.

“Hey Oke,” I say, “I’m . . . uh . . . sorry I forgot about Hairball Awareness Day.”

He looks up at me without anger.  “That’s okay,” he says.  “Who was it that said the universe was indifferent to our suffering?”


Camus:  1951 Existentialist Rookie of the Year.

“I don’t know.  Either Albert Camus–or Yogi Berra.”

He lets out a short little sigh.  “I think of the poem by Auden . . .”

“Musee des Beaux Arts?”


Auden:  “At least this post has a smoking section.”

“Right.  How suffering takes place while someone else is eating or opening a window . . . “

” . . . or just walking dully along?” I say, finishing the line for him.  Nothing like the consolations of art–their purgative powers–to help one get over sadness.

“I tell you what,” I say.  “I’ve got $24–I’m going to make a contribution in your mother’s name to the National Hairball Foundation.”

His eyes mist over–or at least I think they do.  “Save your money,” he says.

“But I want to.”

“No–you’re going to need it.”

“Why?” I ask.

“For some Resolve Multi-Surface Fabric Cleaner.  I upchucked a hairball on the dining room rug.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Cats Say the Darndest Things.”

Hedge Fund Managers: The Battered Wives of Campaign Finance

 I am sure, if we are really nice and stay quiet, everything will be alright and the president will become more centrist and that all his tough talk is just words.  I mean, he really loves us and when he beats us, he doesn’t mean it.

email from Daniel Loeb, Obama contributor, to fellow hedge-fund managers

Every night it’s the same old story–I’ve heard it a million times before.  I sit by the phone, my hair up in curlers, and he doesn’t call.

Ten thousand dollars for a picture–a lousy picture!  And I had to buy my own frame at Pottery Barn.  Then I took him for a ride on the private jet.  You think he’d do something nice for me once in a while.  Lay off the obsession with current taxation of carried interest, for example–but no.  Everything’s my fault–me and all the other guys who consider an eight-figure income a down year.

And when he writes, it’s nothing but the same old fund-raising letters, asking me to contribute money so he can pursue his agenda.  Which it turns out . . . is to get more money from me.  It’s just not fair.

I’m not gonna take it anymore.  I voted for him because he was cool, and it was the thing to do back in ’08–but I’m not going to go crawling back to him.  Again.  Like I always do.  (*sniff*)  I can’t help myself!

All right–maybe just a million dollars more.  But that’s it!

Fake Your Way With Movie Cliches

Last night, I got a call that might puzzle many a parent of a male college student.  “Dad,” my younger son said with the sound of distress in his voice.  “I’ve got a clingy-girl problem.”


Claude Rains, Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman in “Notorious”:  It probably won’t be as elegant as this.

It’s at times like this that I draw on the vast resources of imdb.com, the internet movie database that puts snappy one-liners from famous movies at your fingertips.


“We’ll always have Introduction to Macroeconomics 101.”

“Calm down,” I said to my boy.  “Is there anybody else you can hand her off to?”

“Well yeah,” he replies.  “There’s this guy down the hall in my dorm who likes her, but he’s a real scrawny type, and he thinks I’ll kill him if he asks her out.”

I clucked my tongue, as only a parent can.  “You don’t remember the line from Alfred Hitchcock’s Notorious I’m always quoting–do you?” I asked in a tone that suggested I was terribly disappointed in him.

“Uh, no,” he said.  He’s lucky if he can remember when he’s supposed to come home for Thanksgiving.

“I want you to get the girl in your dorm, take her down the hall to the guy’s room, and say these words.”

“What words?”

“The ones I’m going to say to you right now.  Got a pencil?”

“Hold on.  Okay.”

‘For what it’s worth she’s telling the truth.  I knew her before you and I loved her before you.  I just wasn’t as lucky as you.’  Then you gaze at her one last time with a look of regret at how things might have been, turn, and walk back to your room.  Got it?”

There was silence for a moment at his end of the line.  “Gosh, dad–thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” I say.  “Remember to take your Accutane, okay?”

“Will do.”

I first realized the power of obscure lines from classic movies in the 1980′s coming out of a bar with friends.  A bunch of us had been having drinks after work, and the lone woman left in the group began to complain about her lovelife as we walked through the cold winter air, flakes falling on us as as gently as it drifts down in a child’s snow globe.


Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara

“I don’t know what it is,” she said.  “I can’t get enthusiastic about any of the men I meet.”

A man in the group–a Southerner who was a good deal shorter than her–turned to the woman with the piercing look of a falcon with a field mouse in its sights.  He grasped her around the waist, stared up into her eyes, and said “You know what you need?  You need to be kissed–and kissed often–by a man who knows how.”  And with that he bent her backwards and kissed her–right there in front of the pizza joint, shocking her, the rest of the group and people passing by.  It was a moment I’ll never forget.


“Totally mouse-licious!”

It wasn’t until the two had unlocked their lips and we all broke out laughing that the kisser revealed that he’d borrowed the lines from Gone With the Wind, a movie I’d seen several times but which I remembered principally for a line by Butterfly McQueen that one of the senior partners in the firm used to repeat whenever an associate would complain about a new and difficult assignment.


Butterfly McQueen

“I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ babies, Miss Scarlett,” he’d say as he walked off, making it clear that the complaining party was being hysterical and that the work was something that had been done a million times before.  He made us understand that we’d figure it out–whatever “it” was–as generations of round-shouldered scriveners before us had.


Walter Brennan, Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart in “To Have and Have Not”

I keep a stock of these lines with me at all times; some of them trenchant, some of them impenetrably opaque, as is the case with a question that Walter Brennan asks several times in To Have and Have Not.  It is particularly useful when a party guest has gone off on a tangent about something that bores you, and threatens to derail the feast of reason and flow of soul that alcohol-enhanced dinner conversation can be.

“You haven’t seen The Apprentice?” she asks, incredulous that you are so benighted that you don’t share her enthusiasm for a television show featuring a real estate mogul who goes into and out of Chapter 11 with mechanical regularity and wears a wolverine on his head.

You could respond in kind, admitting that you haven’t seen it, asking her about its premise, encouraging her to elaborate on the contestants.  Or you could put your fork down and ask her Brennan’s question:  “Have you ever been bit by a dead bee?”

The latter, and not the former, is guaranteed to stop the conversation in its tracks.

Biz One-Upmanship 101

Stephen Potter, a British humorist who has undeservedly faded into obscurity, is the father of “one-upmanship,” a strategem for besting an opponent–somewhat unfairly–without actually cheating. 

One accomplishes this by throwing an opponent off his game without violating any rule.  Thus, when playing pool, the accomplished one-upsman doesn’t cough or stand in the field of vision of an opponent who is lining up a shot, but corrects others in the room for talking too loud or disturbing the shooter.


“Stop crumpling the carbon paper!”

In these perilous times, when a layoff could strike you just as easily as the fellow in the next cubicle, it is important that you develop and maintain your office one-upsmanship skills if you are to survive in the dog-eat-dog, piranha-filled tank that is today’s office environment and pet store.  After all, if one of you is going to end up sleeping in bus stations and diving into dumpsters for leftover moo goo gai pan, it might as well be him.


“Nobody told you about your going-away party?  My bad!”

Here are some practical applications of one-upsmanship gathered over my white-collar career that spans 31 years, 7 months and 27 days, not that I’m counting or anything.


The Memo-to-File Guy

The Toxic Memo to the File.  This trick was pulled on me by a colleague in the 1980′s, a young man with two middle names–I’ll call him James A. K. Runnerson–that created a British effect that went well with his horn-rimmed glasses and bow tie.

“Say,” he’d say as he sauntered into your office.  “Do you remember the Rule in Dumpor’s Case from law school?”

“Let me see,” you’d say.  “Was that in Contracts?”

“No, no–you’re thinking of Twyne’s Case.  Dumpor’s Case had something to do with pretermitted heirs, or estates in tail, or accretion of tidal lands.”

“Sounds vaguely familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”


Vaguely disturbing but irrelevant picture of backyard weightlifters.

“Right, right,” he’d say thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.  “Just thought you might know.  Thanks.”

Two years later, after the guy left the firm and I was assigned to one of his cases, I was flipping through the file and came across the following:

TO:  File

FROM:  James A. K. Runnerson

RE:  Rule in Dumpor’s Case

Spoke to Chapman today regarding the Rule in Dumpor’s Case, a critical principle in the law governing the assignability of real estate leases.  He indicated that he knew nothing–absolutely nothing!–about it.

The Worrisome Good Word.  Timing is critical for the successful use of this technique.  You should ideally be headed out the door on your way to vacation, so that further conversation is cut off and your competitor is left to stew in his own foul juices while you’re away.  You stop in to the office, your bags packed, and on your way out, make a special point of saying farewell to your colleague.  “Hey,” you whisper confidentially as you’re about to walk away, “I don’t care what the Board of Directors says–I think you’re doing okay.  See ya!”

The temptation, since you’re headed off for fun in the sun, is to become too enthusiastic and say “you’re doing great,” but this approach isn’t fair; by over-praising, you give someone a false sense of security that may cause them to pass up the buyout offer that is their last, best hope of avoiding a life on the streets.


Sparsely-attended business ethics symposium.

Ethical Considerations.  Given the heightened sensitivity to schemes to defraud widows and orphans out of their life savings, it is essential that businesses operate in a transparent and ethical manner in all aspects of their operations.  Say you and another Assistant Vice President are competing for the promotion to a single Second Vice President slot.  You drop down to her office and, after chatting about kids and the weather, she needs to take a call.  You excuse yourself and, just as you close her door, say in a stage whisper that can be heard all the way down to Human Resources, “WE COULD DO THAT, SHARLENE, BUT IT WOULDN’T BE ETHICAL.”


“Honey, somebody at your office sent this to me.  Do you like it?”

The Nuclear Option.  If all else fails and you see your competitor “Jim” about to snag a big raise for closing the Farquahr Fastener deal, drop by your local Victoria’s Secret outlet for final mark-downs on intimate apparel.  Pick out something slinky and send it to the boss’s wife with a card saying “I’ll never forget our ‘scavenger hunt’ together at last summer’s company picnic–Jim.”

And for Jim?  Change-of-address cards from the US Postal Service make a great going-away gift!

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”

As Anti-Vegan Bias Spreads, Salad Shooters Fight Back

BROOKLINE, Mass.  This overwhelmingly liberal community is situated just west of Boston’s Kenmore Square, a proximity that sometimes makes for uncomfortable encounters between drunken sports fans and nightclub habitues to the east and more pacific diners from Brookline’s many vegetarian restaurants.


Brookline, Mass.:  A nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to eat there.

“One of my friends was pelted with tomatoes as he was getting into his Prius last Saturday night,” says Siobhan Thompson, a “vegan” or strict vegetarian, as she looks up nervously from her brown rice and cauliflower entree at the Wholesome Harvest restaurant.  “There’s a Mexican restaurant next door where college kids get plastered on margaritas, then they hassle us on the street.”


“There’s one of them vegetablarian . . . ists.”

As if to confirm her assertion, a group of three obviously drunken young men can be seen through the restaurant’s windows.  “Rabbit food!” yells one at a couple who scurry quickly to a shelter for riders of the MBTA’s Green Line, rounding the corner just as overripe green and yellow peppers smash up against the clear plastic panels.


Police cars at donut shop:  What are the chances of that?

“I think it’s time to take defensive measures,” Thompson says as she taps out a text message to the Vegan Defense League, a vigilante group formed to fill the gap left by local law enforcement, who jam the parking lot a mile down the road at the Route 9 Donut Shoppe.  “By the time the cops finish their coffee and chocolate frosted donuts, we could be dead.”

Outside the restaurant a sharp-eyed observer would notice stealthy figures on mountain bikes begin to take positions at strategic spots down the street and across the intersection from the Wholesome Harvest, with their weapons of choice–the Presto SaladShooter Slicer/Shredder–slung across their backs.


Lethal Weapon

Siobhan and her friend Marcy Axelrod complete their scrupulous calculation of each woman’s share of the dinner tab (”I had four of the seven spring rolls,” Siobhan says, “so I’ll pay 57% of the appetizer”), add a 17.5% tip, and make their way to the exit, where they scan the sidewalk for trouble.

“Looks okay,” Marcy says, and she cautiously steps out onto the pavement. 


“There’s the wind-up . . .”

“Crunchy granola girls!” yells Sean Fitzpatrick, an anti-vegetarian “meathead” who is known for the ferocity of his attacks after a night of getting “fleshed up” at Barkley’s Roast Beef and Burgers.  Fitzpatrick starts to launch a piece of rotten fruit into the air, but he has barely begun his old-school wind-up when he is hit from behind by zucchini squash and carrots shot from the Vegan Defense League’s Salad Shooters.

“I’m hit,” Fitzpatrick yells to his two buddies, Charlie “Carnivore” Watson and Bobby Cassel.  Cassel takes off, fearing an arrest that will send him back to the Massachusetts Home for Wayward Boys, but Watson comes to his side.

“What’d they get you with?” he says as he bends over Fitpatrick, who has a thin, ”Day of Beauty”-type slice of cucumber over one eye.

“A veritable cornucopia of autumnal delights,” Fitzgerald mutters weakly.

Watson is stunned as a thick chunk of carrot grazes his ear, and the Vegan Defense League moves in for the coup de grace.

“You wouldn’t kill us would you?” Watson begs as three herbivaceous commandos stand over the two meat-eaters.

“You deserve to die,” mutters Evan “Eggplant” Wilentz, a towering hulk of post-adolescent fury whose play about anti-vegetarian prejudice–”The Zucchini Diaries”–has been performed at student unions across New England.

“But these guys, they’re animals too,” says Wilentz’s pacifist friend Todd Amboy.

Wilentz considers this point for a moment, then relents.  “I guess we’ll let you off easy this time,” he says.

“What’s our punishment?” Watson asks with an audible sense of relief in his voice.

Wilentz reaches in the pocket of his fleece pullover.  “You have to eat this carob-granola energy bar–without gagging.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Vegetables Say the Darndest Things.”

Trump: Obama Failed Ivy League Swim Tests

NEW YORK.  Encouraged by polls showing him leading a crowded pack of Republican presidential contenders, businessman Donald Trump turned up the heat on the incumbent yesterday, saying there is no evidence Obama passed swim tests at the two Ivy League institutions he attended.


“These boobs are more real than Obama’s swimming records!”

“I ask you this,” the real estate developer thundered at a crowd estimated in the high two figures, many wearing their hair in the “duck tail” style favored by Trump. ”We’ve seen the President’s pecs–but has anybody seen him do the breast stroke?”


“Go, Donald, go!”

According to a wide-spread rumor, one or more private colleges in the Northeast imposed a swim test at the behest of a wealthy woman whose son and husband died when the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank.  Both Columbia and Harvard issued perfunctory denials, saying they had no record of swim tests for the years of Obama’s attendance.  “All of our abuse is verbal, and land-based,” said Carlotta Hansen, an assistant to the dean of students at Harvard Law School, referring to the rigorous first-year curriculum depicted in the movie The Paper Chase.



“Twenty-five yards of breast stroke.  Twenty five yards of Australian crawl.  Then the butterfly.”

“How convenient,” Trump said in a sarcastic tone.  “The dog ate his swim test records, just like his birth certificate.”


How do you explain this, Snopes.com?

There is no swim test set forth in Article II of the Constitution, which contains the qualifications required of candidates for the Presidency.  “The swim test is an urban legend, just like the race of mutant albino alligators who roam the sewers of New York, and the girl from the fifties whose beehive hairdo was infested with cockroaches,” says retired Professor Daniel Lyons of the Hofstra University School of Law as he looks lovingly at his wife.  “We find if she sleeps with her head in a Roach Motel once a week, it’s not a problem. 

Your Love Ob/Gyn

A few years back I celebrated the 50th anniversary of my rhythm ‘n blues addiction.  The starting point was my purchase of a Ray Charles album in 1959.  At the time, “LP’s” as they were known to hip DJ’s, cost $3.98–not including tax.  I accumulated this enormous stash of cash from well-meaning but naive relatives who gave it to me in $1 tranches, as the investment bankers say, for my eighth birthday, assuming I’d spend it on a pogo stick or some other fresh air amusement device.

Ray wasn’t the first to make a connection between love (read: sex) and the private-payor component of America’s health care industry, but he was the first who brought the subject to my attention, with “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Aretha Franklin followed, with “Dr. Feelgood” in 1967.  Apparently Ray wasn’t the only medical scholar who had noted a connection between one’s physical well-being and the stuff they were singing about on these records.  It wasn’t, by the way, something that was covered extensively in health class.

Finally, I submit as Exhibit C, Marvin Gaye’s 1982 hit “Sexual Healing,” which brought to a close my initial twenty-three year period of observation.  I note that the original cohort of subjects examined by the Framingham Heart Study, the much-ballyhooed longitudinal project to determine the common factors that contribute to cardiovascular disease, was examined for–are you ready for this–exactly twenty-three years.  So my research was just as thorough as the National Heart Institute’s and I, like they, am still at it! 


” . . . and how long have you experienced these feelings of funkiness?”

The love doctors who are referred to in these songs are clearly unlicensed specialists, but then so is the goofy homeopath my wife used to see who claimed to be able to cure people over the telephone.  You can imagine how this might work out in practice:


” . . . a little lower, to the left–that’s it!”

PATIENT:  Hi, Sandy, I was wondering if I could get in for a session today?

DOCTOR:  Where are you now?

PATIENT:  In the car, I just dropped the kids off at school.

DOCTOR:  Somebody just cancelled on me–I can take you right now. 

PATIENT:  Over a cell phone?

DOCTOR:  As long as you don’t go through a tunnel or something.


“You have wandering eye syndrome.”

Despite a trend towards candor in the discussion of health issues, we as a society have remained remarkably reticent on this one; just what kind of doctor ministers to love needs?

You can bet it’s not a chiropodist, or a dermatologist.  (“That is one bodacious-looking mole you’ve got there Mrs. Ortwein!”).  There’s no point in mincing words any longer; for men, the love doctor is a urologist, and for women, it’s their OB/GYN.  The nether regions are, after all, where the action takes place.


“Belinda–you have terminal fantods.  There is no known cure.”

My wife’s gynecologist used to have an office over a liquor store–a nice liquor store, but a “packy,” as they are known in New England–nonetheless.  This made for much mirth-making among her and her fellow mothers–try saying that five times fast.  “A pap and a pop,” or “White wine with your whine,” etc.  It also made for some poignant moments of the type that are treated with sensitivity by Lifetime “disease of the week” movies, and Sunday supplement tell-alls by fading television actresses (“I Conquered Toenail Fungus–And You Can Too!”).

ME:  So your . . . appointment’s today?

HER:  Yes.  Three o’clock.

ME:  And . . . what are you going in for?

HER:  They want to check my dysplasia.

ME:  Oh, uh, right.  Well, I’ll be thinking about you.

HER:  Thanks.

ME:  You know, at a time like this, it’s kind of hard to say certain things–

HER:  I know . . .

ME:  (sensitive pause)  I love you . . .

HER:  Love you too . . .

ME:   So, would you mind picking up a suitcase of Bud Light for me?

HER:  (pregnant pause) A suitcase of beer?

ME:  It’s the twelve-pack, with the convenient built-in handle that fits your on-the-go lifestyle.

HER:  I’m going through a tunnel–I’m going to lose you.

One for the Ages

It was 1984, that foreboding year, I now
  recall.  You were in the hospital,
  your cat having snagged your nail.
It appeared you might lose your finger. 
I was there with you, even though we weren’t

 

  boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.
You had a TV in your room;
  there was supposed to be somebody
  in the other bed, but there wasn’t,
  so you could watch what you wanted.

I asked if I could turn on the Celtics
  and Knicks, Eastern Conference 
  Semi-Finals, and you said yes.  You don’t 
  remember now, but it was like Ali-Frazier,
  Bernard King and Larry Bird in that series;

 

  up and down, coast to coast, going at each
  other, cutting no slack, giving no quarter.
We’d hold hands, your swollen finger like
  a sprained ankle, and I’d watch when we
  weren’t talking, and sometimes when we

  were.  You knew what I was doing, yet
  you smiled, you didn’t care, because at
  least I was there—somebody was there
  with you.  The Celtics and Knicks were
  on tonight, first time in over a decade

 

  in the playoffs together, and I thought
  of you.  I hear you have a daughter now—
  maybe as wild as you, as crazy as you
  were before we met.  I hope there’s 
  someone on the edge of her bed,

 

  holding her hand when she lands in the
  hospital, attached or not.  There with her
  as he peeks at some dumb game with
  a sideways glance and a smirk on his face,
  watching and part of one for the ages.

Magnets and You–or Me

“He who controls magnetism, controls the world” said Diet Smith, a character in the Dick Tracy comic strip when I was a boy.  Smith was the inventor of Dick’s two-way wrist radio, a precursor to cell phones and those groovy new Blue Tooth sunglasses that have a phone in the earpiece, so that we are no longer able to tell cell phone users from ordinary lunatics talking to themselves on the street.


Dick Tracy, with two-way wrist radio

Diet Smith built a space ship that was powered by magnetism.  (He did not, however, create “The Beatles Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” fun magnet game.)  My question is this:  If Diet Smith was right about mobile communications, was he also right about magnetism?


“Who’s yer faverite Beatle, luv?”

Magnetism, as every schoolboy knows, is the physical force that causes the white Scotty dog to turn around very quickly when the black Scotty dog tries to sneak up behind her, and vice versa.  You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to sneak magnetism by the white Scotty dog.  Or the black Scotty dog.

It is magnetism that causes the white and black Scotty dogs to kiss, an example of “animal magnetism” if ever there were one.  There are also “babe magnets.”  Some guys believe little red Corvettes are babe magnets, but that’s also the name of a song by Prince, the purple-clad R&B singer, and it’s not clear he’s trying to attact babes.

As a boy, I reasoned that if magnetism could make things move without apparent causation, maybe there was an invisible force that made me do stupid things, such as knocking my mother’s bric-a-brac shelf to the floor as I pretended to be clinging to a ledge while inching along our dining room walls.  “Sorry mom,” I said as she swept up three generations of gew-gaws handed down to her by matrilineal ancestors.  “I don’t know what made me do it.”

The subject of magnetism bears further scrutiny because NASA satellites have discovered a breach in the magnetic field that protects the earth from severe space weather.  Forget about global warming–a layer of solar particles 4,000 miles thick has been observed blowing through this hole at a speed of 1,000,000 miles per hour!  These are very significant numbers, because I put them in italics, a type style with characters that slant to the right.  Sort of like the contributors on Fox News Channel’s “Special Report.”


The healing powers of magnetism, available for your child’s birthday party.

At the same time that scientists are warning us about the coming magnetic catastrophe, they tell us that magnets have health benefits.  They speed healing of bone fractures and can effectively treat depression in patients who don’t respond to drugs.  The magnets, not the scientists.  The scientists just sit around applying for grants and having graduate assistants write research papers for them.


Kahula O Hawaii:  Irrelevant dancers who, according to msnbc.com, are “known for their precise knee-knocking movements.”

Well, which is it?  Magnets–threat to life on earth, or new-age nostrum?  Here’s one way to find out.  Get dressed up in an all-white, or all-black outfit.  Ask the one you think you love to dress up in the other color.  Sneak up behind him or her and see if he or she turns around and kisses you. 

If not, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

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Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

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