Whither Butter Sculpture?

I write today with a heavy heart.  Norma Lyon, the pre-eminent practitioner of a uniquely American art form–butter sculpture–has died.

 
“I can’t believe it’s not Jesus and the 12 Apostles!”

Lyon’s death was noted in The New York Times and on the front page of The Wall Street Journal.  She had appeared on the Today and the Tonight Shows, Late Night With David Letterman, and To Tell the Truth, among other nationally televised programs.  She was the face of butter sculpture in America–nay, the world.  She was the Leonardo da Vinci of butter sculpture, and had in fact imitated that asexual gay genius–a precursor of Andy Warhol–by crafting her own dairy version of The Last Supper in 1999.

I was introduced to butter sculpture as a boy under the grandstands of the Missouri State Fair.  As with the Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower, you probably know the building by sight even if you’ve never been there, for outside hangs what were for a time the World’s Largest Pair of Blue Jeans, until jeannie-come-latelies in Peru and Croatia elbowed their way to the front of the pack in the humongous denim pants race.


Walk under the crotch to reach butter sculpture exhibit.

Missouri’s State Fair is no slouch in the butter sculpture department.  La Lyon didn’t carve Iowa’s official Butter Cow until 1960, at which point butter sculpture aficionados in my little hometown were already sophisticated critics of the genre.  Would we have been satisfied with a humble sculpture of a cow in 1960?  Puh-lease!  Would Parisians of the Impressionist era swoon over a big-eyed child picture? 

Butter cows were standard fare in the dawn of butter sculpture, but by the early sixties Missouri’s cholesterol carvers had advanced to full farm families, seated around the dinner table, discussing best methods of crop rotation in order to achieve maximum sorghum yields.

 
“You finish your butter, or there’ll be no butter for you!”

Still, Lyon seen her opportunities and she took ‘em, in the words of Tammany Hall ward heel George Washington Plunkitt.  When other sculptors were working in flimsy, insubstantial materials such as stone, she got her hands wet first with ice, then with butter.

Sculpture is one of those art forms that, like poetry, seems to contradict our most cherished notions of our superiority over past ages.  Take a look at Michelangelo’s Pieta.  (Best US viewing opportunity, 1964 New York World’s Fair–hurry before it closes!)  Now compare that masterwork to one of the many tributes to jocks that are going up outside stadia these days and tell me–if you dare–that we’ve made progress since the 15th century.


Michelangelo’s Pieta:  Famous non-butter sculpture.

Which raises the question–in the wake of Lyon’s death, who is the pre-eminent butter sculptor of our time?  Not an easy call, but here are a few of the front runners as state fair season draws near:

 
Ted Williams?  Walt Dropo?  Pumpsie Green?

Velma Jean Ritter, Keokuk, Iowa.  Long obscured by Lyon’s imposing shadow, Velma Jean is ready to move out into the sunlight of the world of butter sculpture.  Figuratively, of course; she has to stay in the walk-in cooler to do her best work.  Ritter’s tour de force is a margarine-based version of Michelangelo’s David, complete with Ritz Cracker genital cover.


“Hey–wrap a towel around yourself, fer Christ sake!”

Wanda Goetzkee, Gumbo, Missouri.  Wanda’s work draws comparisons to modern masters such as Alexander Calder for her gravity-defying use of spray-on butter substitutes to create light, airy confections that challenge our very conception of what a “stick of butter” means.

“I personally don’t know how she does it,” says Wim de Van Wenders, curator of the butter wing of the Minneapolis Museum of Dairy Arts.  “It recalls string cheese–not that I would know what that looks like.”


“We certainly wouldn’t serve that at a Silver Donors Wine & Cheese reception!”

Tony Joe Cutter, Hoxie, Arkansas.  Warmer weather has held this young Turk back, but a recent relocation to Kearney, Nebraska during the summer months has produced a sea-change in his edgy, unnerving works–even though there’s no sea in Nebraska!

 
Butter Yoda:  “On corn on cob spread me you must!”

“I want to break out of the hidebound strictures that keep butter sculpture penned up with farm animals,” says Cutter.  “Where are the butter driveway gnomes, the butter Jabba the Hutt, the butter Buddy Holly?”

At the First Meeting of the Los Angeles Dodgers Creditors

The Los Angeles Dodgers have filed for reorganization under Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.  News item.

BAILIFF:  Oyez, oyez, oyez, whatever in the hell that means.  All rise for the Honorable Mary Beth Coolidge, Bankruptcy Judge.

JUDGE:  Thank you, and welcome to the United States Bankruptcy Court for the District of Delaware.  Please be seated.

BAILIFF:  Some of these mooks ain’t got no tickets.

JUDGE:  It’s the Dodgers, I’m not expecting a sell-out crowd–let them move down front.  Counsel?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, this is the first meeting of creditors of the Los Angeles Dodgers Baseball Club, the most popular baseball team in Los Angeles!

JUDGE:  I would caution you not to use exclamation points.  The stenographer sometimes takes them down as semi-colons.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Yes, your Honor.

JUDGE:  Your client has paid the initial filing fee, but can I get one of those Manny hats with the dreadlocks as well?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Manny quit, your honor.

JUDGE:  Why was that?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  He failed his drug test–after he stayed up all night studying for it.

JUDGE:  I always say, it’s better to get a good night’s sleep.  But I still want that hat.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  I guess I could call that an administrative expense . . .

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, with all due respect . . .


The Judge, as Secretary-Treasurer of the Wilmington, Del. High School Pre-Bankruptcy Club

JUDGE:  Counsellor, when people say “with all due respect” what they really mean is “none.”

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, any souvenirs, utility infielders or players-to-be-named later are property of the estate and should be liquidated for the benefit of creditors.

JUDGE:  You know, I always get the two mixed up.  Is the creditor the one who owes the money, or the one the money is owed to?

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your honor, the debtor owes money to the creditors.

JUDGE:  ‘Cause they always get it wrong in the newspapers.

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  I know–ain’t that pathetic?

JUDGE:  Is there anyone here on behalf of the fans, or will they appear pro se?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  I like how you spoke in Italics . . .

JUDGE:  I had a year of Latin in high school.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Since Dodgers’ fans usually don’t show up until the third inning, they’ll probably be late.

FANS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, I represent the long-suffering fans of the Dodgers.

JUDGE:  And how long have they been suffering?

FANS COUNSEL:  Since that carpetbagger Frank McCourt bought the team when Bud Selig wouldn’t let him have the Red Sox.

JUDGE:  Is Bud Selig the guy in the “Who’s on First” routine?


Bud Abbott, left, Bud Selig, right.

FANS COUNSEL:  No, that’s Bud Abbott.  Your honor, attendance is down 16.7% this year, the steepest decline of any team in baseball.  And why? 

JUDGE:  Why?

FANS COUNSEL:  I’m glad you asked.  Because Mr. McCourt and his wife are fighting over them like a pet shih tzu.

BAILIFF:  You want me to remove this mook for swearin’?

FANS COUNSEL:  That’s a fancy kind of dog, dubo-head.  The ongoing divorce going on is tearing the team apart, and the fans are the ones who are suffering!

JUDGE:  On the basis of that evidence, I would like counsel for the Dodgers to tell me why I shouldn’t put the team into Chapter 7 and just liquidate them. 

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, the Dodgers aren’t a bad team.

JUDGE:  Then why did they call them ‘Bums’?”

DODGERS COUNSEL:  That’s when they played in Brooklyn.  Here in Los Angeles the more polite term is ”Homeless.”

JUDGE:  You’re dodging my question.   

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your honor, attendance is down because there’s so much to do in sunny Los Angeles!

JUDGE: Like what?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  There’s Disneyland, and Knott’s Berry Farm, and Rodeo Drive.

JUDGE:  How do you respond to that, counsellor?

FANS COUNSEL:  Your honor, baseball is an idyllic, pastoral sport, a respite from our hyper-active consumer society.

JUDGE:  Last time I went to a game a hot dog was $4.50 and a beer was $8.  Let’s get back to the central issue, counsellor.  Give me one good reason why I should allow your team to remain in existence, frustrating its fans, stiffing its creditors and generally running amuck making a mockery of the game of baseball?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Just one?

JUDGE:  Just one.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Piece of cake–if this team goes under, there goes the Dodgers-Giants rivalry.

Drive-By Flamers Brighten On-Line Experience for All

BOSTON.  Donna Del Vecchio works in the accounting department of a large law firm here, and says she has “the most thankless task in the entire American economy”–approving partners’ requests for expense reimbursements.


“$95 for a push-up bra?”

“You wouldn’t believe the cock-and-bull stories I hear,” she says with exasperation.  “Like ‘My son’s birthday party is reimbursable because I might get some business out of one of the other kids’ fathers’, or the guy who wanted me to pay a Victoria’s Secret bill out of firm funds so his wife wouldn’t know how much he spent on her present,” she says before adding skeptically, “Yeah, right.”

 

 


“Have fun kids–it’s on Knight, Millyard & Bernstein!”

As a low-level employee Donna is in no position to oppose the demands of her superiors, so instead she takes out her frustrations on unsuspecting strangers in the privacy of her home using her weapon of choice–a desktop computer that connects her to the internet.

 

 

 
” . . . 1 . . . 1 . . . 1 . . .”

Donna is a member of Friendsnet, a Boston-based social networking website on which members post content, rate each other’s articles, photos and videos, and earn points redeemable at participating merchants.  “It’s a great way to unwind,” she says, “without risking your career or physical violence.”

Donna allows this reporter to join her for an evening on Friendsnet, and after signing on she warms up by reviewing content posted in the “Recent Articles” section of the site.  “1–1–1–1″ she murmurs methodically as she enters each posting just long enough to scroll down and give it the lowest rating possible.  “How can they be any good?” she asks when it is pointed out that she isn’t taking the time to read the articles.  “The titles alone piss me off.”

 

 


Unicorn and, uh, whatever you call a baby unicorn.

As an active Friendsnet member, Donna often creates new groups for other members who share her interests, and tonight she sets up “Everything Unicorns!” and “Poems About Kittens”, two “snare” groups she will use to lure unsuspecting loners to their doom.  She sends out a carpet-bomb email inviting others to join, and by the time she gets back from a trip to the kitchen to refill her wine glass, she has attracted seventeen members, helping her pad her point totals.  “I’ve got my eye on a Brookstone Herb Spinner,” she says, referring to the high-end doo-dad store that honors Friendsnet points.  “I have a lettuce spinner, but it’s too big to throw at my husband when I get mad.”

Donna checks out a poem posted by “Amanda Just Wants New Friends on Friendsnet!”, a woman who says she needs help with a rhyme: 

I have a little kitten,
Her name is Powder Puff,
And whenever she jumps up in my lap and lets me scratch her chin
She cannot get enough. 

I’m always sure to feed her,
And change her litter box,
I really, really need her!
Ta-dum, ta-dum rhymes with “box”.

 

 

“That is such a sad poem–in more ways than one.”

 

Donna takes a sip of wine, then taps out a comment, using one of her “sock puppets”, anonymous screen names that allow her to conceal her identity.  “Dear Amanda,” she writes.  “Next time you get the urge to write a poem, lie down until it goes away.”  “That’ll teach her,” she says, as she takes a bite out of a pretzel stick.

 

 


“Hey Amanda, how about ‘Your cat’s as dumb as a box of rocks’?”

The growth of social networking sites has resulted in a reduction in workplace violence, according to Thomas Faber, a professor of industrial relations at Syracuse University.  “Instead of people going nuts and shooting up their co-workers, they go home and flame strangers at nights and on weekends,” he says.  “Nobody gets hurt, although the owner of the ‘Puppy Poetry’ group didn’t have to be such a jerk when he turned down ‘My Precious Pug’.”

As for Donna, she says her time on-line helps her to rejuvenate herself for the coming work week, and indeed she is wearing a big smile as she steps into the elevator Monday morning and greets Eli Simpson, a senior partner at her firm.  “Hello, Donna,” the older man says when he recognizes her.  “Have a good weekend?” he asks.

“Just great,” she says, positively beaming.  “How was yours?”

Fear of Female Security Guards

It’s Wednesday, “hump” day, half of the week behind me at noontime.  You probably know the feeling I have about this time each week; you get up early every morning, go to work, answer the phone, tap on your keyboard, yell at people on the phone.  It’s tedious being a knowledge worker in a professional service firm, and you find yourself staring off into the middle distance at such a minor milestone asking–Is this all there is?  What exactly am I getting for all my effort?  Where’s the payoff?

So at lunch, after I paid for my caesar salad wrap and lemonade, I looked around for a seat and spied an attractive woman sitting by herself.  I’m not going where you think.  I’m a married man, and my firm’s Dignity in the Workplace policy forbids use of desktops for mid-afternoon extramarital affairs–it’s at Tab III, Rule 3.2(a).  All I wanted to do was look–there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?  As the old country song put it, “It don’t matter where you git your appetite, as long as you eat at home.”


Stevie Winwood

Back when I was underemployed as a grounds keeper at a New England liberal arts college, my buddy Jim and I would often ruminate on the subject of men’s fantasies.  “Do they have any idea,” he said to me one day as we sat in the cab of a truck and watched a female student walk by, “what we’re thinking?”  Jim, a dead-ringer for Stevie Winwood with red hair and a quick smile, was a world-class horndog.  “In your case,” I said, “I think they do, since you usually end up in bed with them.”

“And you?” he asked.

“Well, I . . . uh . . . “

He looked at my glasses, my failed attempt to grow a beard, my complexion.  “How about those Red Sox?” he asked, thereby sparing me the heartbreak that an invidious comparison between our respective love lives would bring.

But my lack of post-adolescent amatory success has never stood in the way of my fantasy life, so I picked a table halfway across the room with an unobstructed view of the woman, took my seat, and unwrapped my sandwich, looking forward to a little mental liaison, when from the other direction came–four female security guards.


“Yeah, right–like I haven’t heard that one before.”

I don’t know what it is about women in police uniforms, but it always makes me feel as if Big Sister has arrived to start making men pay for all the mental fooling around they do.  When they outlaw men’s fantasies, only outlaws will have fantasies about men.  Or something like that.

First of all, let me be clear that when I, unlike other men, engage in imaginary sex with a woman I’ve never met before, it’s all on the up and up.  I start off on the right foot with an imaginary phone conversation with my wife:

WIFE:  Hello?

ME:  Hi–it’s me.

WIFE:  You never call in the middle of the day–is something wrong?

ME:  No, it’s just that . . . well, it’s been a really hard week so far, and you’re going out tonight, right?

WIFE:  I’ve got that stationery party at Susan’s–I won’t be late.

ME:  So–do you mind if I have imaginary sex with a woman who’s sitting across from me at the Soup ‘n Salad place?

WIFE:  ( . . . )  You won’t actually do anything, will you?

ME:  Of course not!  That’s the whole point!

WIFE:   And you won’t spend any of our money on her?

ME:  Are you kidding?  I don’t even buy you flowers unless you’re mad at me.

WIFE:  Well–all right.

ME:  Great–thanks.

WIFE:  Oh–would you mind picking up some cat food after work?

ME:  Sure, no problem.

WIFE:  The low-cal kind in the turquoise bag.  Kitzi’s gut is starting to drag the ground again.

ME:  For you–anything.  ( . . . )  Love you.

WIFE:  Love you too.

Once I have my wife’s imaginary consent, I’m a perfect gentleman with my paramour.  I break the ice with an imaginary witty remark, ask her if she’d like to have an imaginary dinner, have a great time together in a quiet restaurant.  All of this can be done in about, oh, say three seconds.

Then comes after-dinner drinks, imaginary sex, the morning after when you have your first breakfast and then spend the day together.  Total time so far–fifteen seconds.


“Use your imagination–but not that way!”

I always make sure I break things off properly but sensitively before returning from the world of my imagination, which is not the one Barney the Purple Dinosaur inhabits.  First we fight, things go from bad to worse, we drift apart, then we decide to stop seeing each other.  We look into each other’s eyes one last time and realize that the thirty seconds we had together was really, really special–but it’s over.

But the sight of four women with guns on their belts puts the kibosh on the whole affair, no matter how innocent it might have been.  They know what I’m thinking–why else would they be laughing?  And they know that all they have to do to keep me from taking that first mental step that would bring such happiness into two lonely lives is–just sit there.


Jackie DeShannon

And so contrary to the advice of Jackie DeShannon, who told everybody to put a little love in their hearts, I am forced to purge my mind of erotic thoughts, and return to the hum-drum, the here-and-now, le quotidienne as the French say. 

Excuse me–can I borrow your sports page?

From the forthcoming “Imitations of Myself.”

Should Legislators Get Pensions?

The Vast, World-Wide Conspiracy of Dance

Dance, according to Robin Collingwood, was the original art form, and are you really qualified to argue with a guy who has been referred to as “the best known neglected thinker of our time”?  I didn’t think so.


Ballerina, by Edgar Degas

All things considered, if your wife or significant other is going to be interested in a higher art form, dance is preferable to opera.  Once she buys a leotard and gives her zip code to Sherylynn’s Dance World, the dancewear catalogs and magazines start pouring in, like L.L. Bean’s on steroids. 

If, on the other hand, she buys one of those Viking helmets favored by Wagnerian sopranos at Helga’s Opera Supplies, you’re going to get more of a plus-sized look in your mail.  I’m not saying that’s bad, just–different.

 

That’s why I race down to the mailbox every month to get my wife’s copy of Dance Spirit magazine, the bible of America’s dance-industrial complex.  It’s hard to believe that the same woman who would bar a seventeen-year-old boy from reading Playboy at the barber shop would subscribe to a publication that features page after page of nubile teenage girls wearing leotards, but a mother’s love is a mysterious thing. 

As a devoted reader of Dance Spirit, I’ve come to appreciate its profiles of up-and-coming dance team members from far-flung outposts of the National Basketball Association; features on terpsichorean styles that provincial American audiences may have overlooked (“Polynesian Dance: Beyond Grass Skirts”); and in-depth looks at the burning issues dancers face today, such as “Don’t Fear the Unitard: Four Ways You Can Work It!”

What I was not prepared for was the revelation in a recent issue that dancers, like members of the French Foreign Legion, routinely adopt fictitious names!  That’s right–from the Laker Girls on the Left Coast, to Broadway, to the Bolshoi, if you think you know a dancer–you’re wrong. 


“You’re Margot Fonteyn?  Sure–and I’m Jim the Wonder Dog!”

The list of famous dancers who’ve concealed their identity all these years is a long one.  Fred Astaire?  ne Austerlitz.  Cyd Charisse?  Try “Tula Ellice Finklea.”  Suzanne Farrell?  How about “Roberta Sue Ficker”!  And don’t get me started about “Chubby Checker” and his “Twist.”

The list goes on and on, causing one to ask:  Are “dance names” a threat, a cover-up or merely a benign, relatively-harmless world-wide conspiracy bent on destroying our traditional way of life?  What exactly are dancers hiding?  I think the American public is entitled to know.

Where, after all, do most children learn to dance but in taxpayer-supported public schools on Friday afternoons?  You can imagine Darrell Hohimer’s embarrassment when, once it is his turn to do the box-step with fifth-grade heart-throb Mary Beth Ohlrich, she flutters her fan in front of her oily nose and the following dialogue ensues:

DARRELL:  Hi, Mary Beth!

MBO:  My name is Conchita, the Queen of Flamenco.  I am allowed to skip a dancer in my sole discretion and move on to Kevin Turner, who is a dreamboat–as opposed to you, you phlegmatic phellow.

DH:  It’s not phelgm–it’s a cold sore.

MBO:  Kevin–my darling!


“Krump” Klown, er, krumping

Dance Spirit offers a helpful “Name Game” for the various styles that it serves, from “jazz,” to ballet, to “krumping,” which sounds like something you do to the crust of a chicken pot pie, but is in fact a form of dance.  After an initial prototype was scrapped because it assigned the name “Sassy” to thirteen consecutives dancers, an upgraded, multiple-choice Name Game 2.0 is now available to help you create your own unique, one-of-a-kind dance stage name.  Ready?  Let’s give it a whirl!

Q:  I would describe myself as:

a.  girly girl   b. tough chick  c.  prima ballerina  d.  that girl in the mirror

Q:  My alter ego is:

a.  rock star  b.  forensic accountant  c.  roller derby “jammer”  d.  Carmelite nun

Q:  I want my image to be:

a.  classy  b.  trashy  c. funky  d.  clumsy

For every “a” score three points.  For every “b” add one teaspoon of turmeric and fold into batter with spatula.  For every “c” solve for “d” where “x” = Avogadro’s Number.

Congratulations!  Your new nomme du dance is Dame Courtney B-Girl Sassy.

Unless you’re a male, in which case your name is Rudolf Travolta Terrio.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Dance Fever.”

Residents on Guard as Philatelists Descend on Small Town

LONE JACK, Mo.  This town of 528 inhabitants southeast of Kansas City presents an idyllic face to a first-time visitor, with boys playing marbles on street corners and girls performing elaborate “Double Dutch” jump-rope routines in bare-dirt backyards.


Lone Jack (not shown actual size)

“This place hasn’t changed much since I was growing up,” says Claude Boul, a retired insurance agent who celebrated his 86th birthday last weekend.  “We’ve got two full-time village idiots now instead of one, but that’s about it.”

 
Site of the Battle of Lone Jack

That small-town tranquility was shattered recently, however, when a rumor began to spread that a national philatelist group would hold its annual convention at the Motel 6 on the edge of town.

 
“We don’t want your kind around here.”

“You never heard about this kind of thing when I was growing up,” says Jim Lee Howell, a sorghum farmer.  “Now you got all them priests and coaches and teachers doing it–it’s sickening.”

Philately (pronounced “phi-LAT-a-lee”), the collection and study of postage stamps, is often confused with pederasty, a word with Greek roots that refers to erotic love between men and boys, with sometimes tragic results.


Fun with stamp collecting.

“We were run out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin,” says Earl Buntrock, a life-long stamp collector who tried to explain the distinction between the two activities to the manager of the Holiday Inn his group, the American Philatelists Association, had booked for a stamp show.  “Then they turned over our $250 deposit to the police.”

 
Concerned Citizens Association

In Lone Jack, a committee of concerned citizens was formed to halt the spread of philately, with volunteers giving speeches to church groups and civic organizations.  “We don’t want our little town turned into New York City, or Hot Springs,” said Lowell Hammer, president of the Chamber of Commerce.

A potential catastrophe was averted when a national stamp-collectors rights group, the Mucilage Justice Committee, distributed educational pamphlets detailing the long and innocent history of stamp-collecting, and its role as a bulwark of freedom during the Communist threat of the ’50′s.


“My Bad” Breakfast:  “Hey, Merle–don’t bend over with one of them philatelists behind you!”

“You guys are lucky,” said Opal Lamine, Saline County Recorder, to the philatelists as they moved through the buffet line at a “My Bad!” friendship breakfast designed to smooth over hard feelings.  “We lynched a numismatist last week.”

Aging Hippie Recalls Days of Rage Through Child’s Play

DOWNERS GROVE, Illinois.  At the age of 61, Zack Coffelt still can’t believe he’s a grandfather, much less a happy one.  “My generation believed you couldn’t trust anyone over 30, and now I’m an old geezer myself,” he says with a laugh.


Kent State Action Figures

But Coffelt does his best not to fit the stereotype of the conventional grandparent; he insists that his grandson, five-year old Todd, call him by his first name instead of “Gramps”, and he tries his best to impart the lessons of ’60′s counterculture to his grandson to make up for his son’s rebellion.


Bus sold separately.

“My boy Jake fell in with a bad crowd when he went to college,” Coffelt says, shaking his head, “a bunch of accounting majors.”  That wrong turn on the road of life led to a job as a C.P.A. that Coffelt scorns, although he made his peace with his wayward son once his grandson arrived.


“Grampa Zack is here!”

“I feel like I’m a child again,” he says, but Jake quickly corrects him.  “What do you mean–’Again’?” he asks rhetorically, but Zack dismisses him with a snort–”Young fart!” and shows his grandson the present he’s brought with him.

“What is it?” the boy asks, but Zack wants to savor the moment.  “Open it up and see,” he says, and the boy rips off the paper to find a box containing a “Protestors vs. Establishment” plastic action figure set.

“Neat!” the boy exclaims, and Zack gets down on the floor to play with him.  “Which side do you want to be?” he asks Todd.

“Which side has bigger guns?” the boy asks.

“Well, the establishment has the guns, but the protestors get the girls!” his grandfather says with a wistful gleam in his eye.

“Yuk,” the boy says.  “I wanna be the establishment!”

 

“Okay, have it your way,” Zack says, and child and man get to work lining up their pieces for the coming battle.

“You go first, Zack,” the boy says.

“O-kay,” Coffelt says as he scans the floor, looking for an opening.  “I think I’m going to attack your–administration building!”  

The aging hippie quickly moves his troops towards a plastic brick building and blocks the entrance.  “That will stop you from turning creative young minds into tools of your corporate war machine!” he says with satisfaction.

“What do I do now?” the boy asks.

“Well, you can try to reason with me–use your Dean piece.”

“Which one is that?”

“The little man with the bow tie whose wife is sleeping with an English professor,” the grandfather says, pointing to a plastic figure at the boy’s knee.

Riot police!

“What do I do with him?” the boy asks.

“He comes out and makes a restrained appeal to the protestors to engage in rational discourse,” the grandfather says helpfully.  “Then my guys get to pelt him with eggs!”

“Cool!” the boy says, and he walks his Dean piece to the steps of the administration building.  “You kids are the best and brightest of your generation,” the boy says, lowering his voice to the stern tone his father uses when he scolds him for finger-painting the walls.  “There’s no reason why we can’t agree to disagree on . . .”

Zack takes a little white plastic egg and flicks it at the Dean, hitting him in the head.  “Ow!” Todd says, and trots the figure across campus to the President’s house.

“That’s the way!” his grandfather says.  “He who turns and runs away, lives to fight another day!”

“Do I get to attack now?”

“Yep.  Now the President of your college calls in the white ethnic policemen to beat up the upper-class trust fund students!”

The boy grabs a fistful of dark blue plastic police and begins to march them towards the protestors.  “Youse spoiled brats!” he says, his voice a gruff imitation of the supermarket clerk who told him to take his sticky fingers off the comic books earlier in the day.  “I’d give my right arm to be able to goof around for four years on my old man’s nickel!”

Zack is visibly moved as he sees how the youngster grasps the complicated sociological dynamics that made 60′s protest a sometimes ambiguous and complicated business.

“What’s that pig’s name?” he asks the boy.

“I’m Sergeant Pulaski and I’m gonna bust your head open like an overripe melon!” the boy says as he brings a billy club down on the head of a plastic protestor.

Zack experiences a twinge on his skull where a member of the Chicago Police Department cracked his head open four decades earlier.  “I think I’m having a flashback,” he says, as he puts his hand to his head.

“What’s that?” the boy asks.

“That’s when you get all the benefits of drugs without having to pay for them!”

The End of the Gig

It was Monday, the day after the State Fair ended, the first day of the last week before school started.  David woke up and, once his head was clear of the otherworld of dreams, he remembered that today was the day they’d get paid–$125 each—for a week’s worth of playing at the beer garden down at the first turn of the race track.  He felt satisfied with himself.  The most you got for playing a dance after a football game was maybe $100, split four or five ways depending on how many musicians you had.  That was nothing compared to this.   And there weren’t many other bands in town that had played for a whole week, or ever made $500 for a gig, and now The Rooks had done it twice.

They’d played all week and had been through a lot.  The phrase “paying your dues” occurred to him as he tried to swallow; his throat had turned red after just a few days of singing, and when he looked in the mirror after they’d finished up on Sunday, he’d seen little sacs of white pus, like pimples, in the back of his mouth.  “You got to pace yourself,” the big black woman who sang at the other beer garden, down by the Midway, had said to him.  She told him they shouldn’t play a second more than they had to.  It was going to be a long week, and if you got carried away you’d wear yourself out.

Sal, the guy who ran the place, told them more or less the same thing for a different reason.  “Don’t play when the place is full,” he said.  “You play when it’s empty to get the people to come in.  Once they’ve bought their beer and sat down, you stop.  That way they don’t stay too long, and I get more people coming through.”  He thought like a carnie, the boy realized at some point during the week; everyone was a mark, everything was a scam.

It was hard to do, though.  It was more fun to play when people were there to watch you and clap.  Who wanted to play when the place was empty, especially empty of girls?  So they played more than they should have when they shouldn’t have, even to the point where the big boss who had the office under the grandstand, the guy who had hired them, complained to Sal.  “What’s the name of your band again?” Sal asked sarcastically one day after they’d played probably half an hour after the place filled up.  “Quick Eddie & the Meatbeaters?  You should have cut it off fifteen minutes ago.  People been sitting there free for half an hour, and you’re just encouraging them.”

The four of them—David, Billy, Wayne and Tony—had gotten along for the most part.   Tony, the lead guitarist, was so into his music and his girlfriend he was in his own little world.  Billy got along with everybody.  Wayne he’d had enough of, though.  The guy had joined the band at the last minute when Kevin decided to spend the summer with his dad in California.  Wayne didn’t play anything except bad harmonica and saxophone, where Kevin played rhythm guitar.  You could play more songs with two guitars, but they were kind of stuck so they let Wayne into the band.  David could barely sing by Thursday, so Wayne ended up singing most of the time, and getting most of the girls.  Wayne’s dad was a caretaker and lived on the fair grounds, so sometimes he would take girls who were staying in the camper lot on the edge of the fairgrounds back to his house.  The guy didn’t deserve it; the country girls didn’t realize he was new to the band, and not that good of a singer.  Wayne had longer hair than the rest of them because his dad didn’t care; he only had custody during the summer, during the school year Wayne stayed with his mom.

They had agreed to go out to the fairgrounds together at 11; they’d go in Tony’s car, since he was the only one who was sixteen and his mom let him drive everywhere because his dad was dead and she needed to work. 

When Tony honked David said good-bye to his mom and went outside.  Wayne was riding shotgun and acting like he was really cool, shooting off his mouth about how they were going to win the Battle of the Bands in the fall.  David didn’t say anything, just looked at Tony and Billy to see what their reaction was.  He was disappointed that neither of them stuck up for Kevin.  When he came back from California he’d want to be lead singer again, and he was a lot cooler than Wayne.  Wayne was a hick who woke up one day thinking he was going to be a rock star—the day before he probably wanted to be a champion bass fisherman or something.

“What are you guys gonna do with your money?” Wayne said to the two of them sitting in the back.

“I’m gonna buy a new cymbal and a high hat,” Billy said.

“I’m going to save mine for college,” David said.

College!” Wayne said, almost spitting the words out with laughter.  “Man, you don’t want to save it for college.  You go to college on student loans.”

“What do you suggest I do with it?”

“Why don’t you buy a good p.a. system,” Wayne said.  “One of those kind with the black pleat-and-roll leather covers.  Those are cool.”

All the better for you to sing through, David said to himself.  “I’m not spending all my money on something like that—the rest of the band would have to chip in,” he said, but quickly regretted it.  It made it sound like Wayne was being invited to join the band permanently.

“I’ll give you an IOU,” Wayne said. 

“Why don’t you buy it if you want it so much,” David said.

“Hell, my money’s got to last me until we get our next paying job.  I don’t get an allowance like you do.”

Crying poor again, David thought, just like his dad.  They had practiced for awhile in the shed behind Wayne’s dad’s house until one Saturday the old man came out back in his undershirt, smelling of beer in the middle of the day, and started yelling about how he was going to fix it up for himself, he wanted to have a nice house just like David’s parents.  They had taken their amps out and never gone back, and had practiced ever since in Tony’s basement or David’s garage.  The house didn’t even belong to Wayne’s dad, it belonged to the state according to David’s dad.

They drove into the fairgrounds without trouble now that the fair was officially over.  There was no activity in the mule and sheep barn, the first one you saw as you came around the homestretch outside the track.

“Who’s gonna do the talkin’?” Wayne said to no one in particular.

Billy shrugged his shoulders.  Tony was so quiet, you wouldn’t expect him to do the talking for the job.  “Kevin got us the job out here last year,” Tony said after a while.

“Well, Kevin’s not here,” Wayne said.  “Davie-boy?  You’re next in seniority.”

David didn’t say anything at first.  “I guess so,” he said after a while. 

They stopped the car at the near end of the grandstand, where the snack bar was located.  You walked through a Dutch door to get to the back office, where there was a metal table, an adding machine and a folding chair, with a fat man sitting in it.

Sal was off to one side sitting on a metal soda cooler, drinking a Dr. Pepper.  “There’s my jitterbuggers,” he said with a grin.  “You guys had enough of carnival life and ready to go back to school?”

“Yeah,” David said quietly.

“Good idea if you ask me,” Sal said.  “The world doesn’t need another bunch of screamin’ punks on dope.”

The man at the table was counting bills and poking the numbers on the adding machine as the tape spilled out onto the table.  “What can I do for you boys,” he said without looking up.

“We came to get paid for playing at Sal’s place,” David said.  It was hard enough for him to talk with his throat so sore, and the fact that he was talking to a man who barely acknowledged him made it worse.

“You did, did you?” the man asked, although it sounded more like a dare than a question.  He kept counting the money and tapping the adding machine.  “Sal, did these guys do a good job?”

“They were there every day Jimmy,” Sal said.  “They didn’t eat too much neither.  I guess they preferred the corn dogs down on the Midway.”

“Okay,” the man named Jimmy said as he wrapped a rubber band around a handful of bills.  He put the wad in a metal cash box, and picked up another stack of bills with his left hand.  He moistened his fingers in a little plastic dish, and began to count out bills.

“Twenty-forty-sixty-eighty-one hundred,” he droned.  “Twenty-forty-sixty-eight-one hundred,” he repeated.  He did this four times, then leaned back in his chair, his eyes half-closed, and looked at David.  “Four hundred dollars.  Thanks for adding a touch of music to the Giokaris Concessions dining experience,” the man said with a smile on his lips that seemed like a taunt.  The man then looked down at the table and began to count another stack of bills.

“We . . . we agreed on five hundred,” David said after a moment, a lump in his throat where the abscesses had formed.

The man looked up at David with an expression of surprise.  “I don’t remember nuthin’ like that.”

“It was five hundred, I know it,” David said, trying to sound firm.

“Do you know anything about this?” the man said as he turned to Sal.

Sal said nothing and just shrugged his shoulders.

“Sal don’t remember that, and he was runnin’ the place.”

“I know it was five hundred,” David said, his face reddening.

“There’s only four of youse,” Jimmy said.  “Our standard rate is a hunnert dollars a musician for the week.  Why would we pay you guys more?”

“Because you agreed to,” David said.

“You got it in writing?” Jimmy asked.

David tried to swallow, but the saliva just collected at the back of his mouth.  “No—you said we didn’t need to,” he was finally able to say.

“Maybe you shouldn’t a listened to me,” the man said.  “If you don’t got it in writing, you can’t prove nuthin’.”

“Hey mister,” David heard Wayne say loudly from behind him, then felt himself pushed aside as the other boy stepped up to the metal table.  “My dad’s Earl Ramsey.”

“Who’s Earl Ramsey?”

“He’s the caretaker of the fairgrounds,” Wayne said.

“So?”

“So if you want to get out of town, you’d better pay us what you owe us.  We’ve got three Highway Patrol men staying over at my house, and they all know carnies are the scum of the earth.

Jimmy put his hands on the table, as if to be ready to grab the money if Wayne tried to take more than he’d offered.

The boy and the man stared at each other for several seconds.

“They’d love to throw you in jail, those Highway Patrol men,” Wayne said with finality.

Jimmy looked over at Sal, who just shrugged again.  Jimmy exhaled, and a German shepherd lying in the corner of the room lifted up his head.

“Perhaps there was some kind of misunderstanding,” Jimmy said.  “I’ll give you $450 to split the difference.”

“You said you was gonna pay us five hunnert, and you’re gonna pay us five hunnert, or I’m telling the Highway Patrol,” Wayne said, his mouth drawn back tight.

Jimmy bounced his head back and forth as if considering a business proposition.  The dog whimpered a bit, then made a noise as if it was going to bark, but didn’t.

Jimmy let out a sigh as if his business was a cross he had to bear, a great burden that weighed him down.  He moved his right hand towards a pile of bills and slowly began to slide twenties off the top of the stack.  “Twenty-forty-sixty-eighty . . . one hunnert,” he said.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Wayne said as he scooped up the five stacks.

The boys turned and walked out the door as fast as they could without breaking into a run.  When they reached the car, Billy started to laugh and pounded Wayne on the back.

“You really told that guy,” Billy said as Wayne handed him his stack of bills.

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter,” Wayne said with a self-satisfied look.

“Do you really have Highway Patrol men staying at your house?” Billy asked.

“We did, but they left this morning,” Wayne said, which caused Billy’s opinion of him to rise even higher.

“Here’s yours,” Wayne said as he handed David his stack of bills.  “I guess it’s true what they say.”

“What’s that?” David said hoarsely. 

“Don’t send a boy to do a man’s job.”

Wayne gave him a superior smile, and turned around to count out Tony’s money.

David looked out the window the rest of the way home.  He wanted to crawl into bed and stay there until his throat got better.

Elite Arts Group Names Steve Miller First Rock Member

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts.  The American Academy of Arts and Sciences, the high-toned organization of scholars, artists, politicians and business leaders, broke with convention yesterday as it inducted Steve Miller, a rock musician credited with the creation of several words, as a member of the group.

Stated Meeting of the Academy
AAA&S:  “What did he just say?”

“All I can say is–Somebody give me a cheeseburger!” Miller shouted after he accepted the congratulations of the Academy’s President, Patricia Meyer Spacks.  The line is from Miller’s hit “Livin’ in the USA”, and the members of the Academy, which was founded during the American Revolution, broke out in knowing if subdued laughter.

 

“Mr. Miller has enlivened our language with the invention of the word ‘pompitous’,” Spacks told the distinguished audience, “which, through the phrase ‘pompitous of love’ in his mega-hit ‘The Joker’, has spoken to the romantic soul in each of us, at least when we are high on cough syrup.”

Miller was modest and self-effacing in his acceptance speech, noting that he had been “a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker–woo woo-oo-oo–but never a member of such a distinguished group.”

In Sedalia, Missouri, a cult-like group of devotees gathers every October 5th, Miller’s birthday, to recite his collected lyrics in a ceremony modeled after “Bloomsday,” an annual celebration on June 16th on which lovers of James Joyce recite the entire text of the novel Ulysses.  “Hoot-hoo,” intoned Lyle Yoderk, Jr., to kick off the festivities last year, a performance that was captured on a recycled 8-track tape.  “This is a story about Billie Joe and Bobby Sue, two young lovers with nothin’ better to do, than sit around the house, get high and watch the tube.”

The audience for Miller’s brand of incomprehensible blue-eyed soul has been remarkably durable over the years, especially among men with a taste for urban blues who are unwilling to abandon psychedelic drugs.  “Very few Rhodes Scholars still have their Steve Miller albums by the time they get to Oxford,” noted Dr. Merlin Stevenson, a professor of English at Yale.  “There is no way you can understand a line like ‘Let me whisper sweet words of pistomality’ unless you’re totally wasted.”


Patricia Meyer Spacks:  “Totally bodacious, dude!”

One of Miller’s neologisms, “epismetology”, has given rise to a new academic discipline, noted the Academy’s Spacks in her speech honoring the man known to some as “Maurice.”  “Before Mr. Miller, the worlds of the philosopher and the beautician were thought to be mutually exclusive,” she noted.  “With the merger of epistemology and cosmetology, a woman who goes to a beauty parlor can get a rinse job and at the same time an insight into the limits of our understanding of the human condition.”  Epistemology is the branch of philosophy that examines how we know what we claim to know, and how we do do that voodoo that we do so well.


“Walk–like an eagle . . .”

Miller’s award was to have been delivered two weeks earlier, but his letter of nomination was sent by the U.S. Postal Service, which licenses his song “Fly Like an Eagle.”  “Time kept on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, and we lost the deposit we put down at the Marriott,” Spacks noted.  “That was one slow eagle.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Genteel Crowd: It’s So Much More Fun Being Vulgar.”

Blog at WordPress.com.
Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 73 other followers