PHILADELPHIA: A male politician who claimed to be gay has been outed by his opponent after he was spotted at an event with a woman.
I want to thank all of you for having come this far with me along the journey of hope and personal ambition that I’ve been on. [Clears throat] Let me be frank with you. I’ve let you down. I let you believe that I was gay, when in fact I have been–for as long as I can remember–attracted to women. In particular, I’m attracted to–and very much in love with–my “wife” of twenty-four years, who has been dressing in Dockers plain front pants and oxford cloth button-downs since I first launched my campaign.
The time has come to make a clean breast of it. The time for hiding in the shadows is over. From this moment on, I will be the only openly heterosexual candidate in this race–and I don’t care who knows it!
Let me tell you, the charade we had to go through was exhausting! I don’t know how many times we’d have campaign meetings out at our three-bedroom home in the suburbs, living the lie that it was a quaint brownstone in the city. “Where are the antique stores and the cute bistros?” Janet, my campaign manager would ask.
[Forced, artificial laughter.] C’mon up here, Janet–let me give you a big hug. I’m just . . . so sorry that I had to deceive you.
But enough, I say. Enough of the pretending to like Judy Garland records. Enough with the 30″ waistline. I’m going to put on some weight–drink some brewskis and pig out on barbecue–right after I finish this disingenuous confessional speech!
You know, we’ve come a long way in America, breeders like my wife and myself. It used to be that we had to watch “Will & Grace” with our gay friends, and act like we got the jokes. It was . . . humiliating.
[Wife moves to comfort him.]
But now–all that’s behind us. We’re out and proud heteros–and I’m ready to serve as the champion of the issues that you care about. Sure we may not like Madonna, and we may care about youth hockey leagues and not Nelson Eddy and Jeannette MacDonald records, but dammit–we’re Americans too!
These last few days, as I tried to decide whether to come out of the closet, have been sheer torture. But finally, I decided I owed it to you–my supporters–and to myself. [Sniffles] There’s been a lot of crying over the last few days at my house–a lot of it by yours truly. [Sympathetic applause and laughter.]
Let me tell you–I haven’t cried so hard since I found out Ellen Degeneres went over to the other team.