LONDON. Tomas Vzglinsk has a look of harried frustration on his face as the Freedonian Air pilot taxis around the landing strip here at Heathrow Airport. Finally, unable to hear directions from the tower because his standard issue Soviet Mug-77a passenger plane is not equipped with a radio, he opens the window of the cockpit and shouts “Where you want me park this thing?” to one of the runway crew.
Soviet Mug-77a, radio optional
After angry words are exchanged Vglinsk is directed to a vacant area of the tarmac where airport security officials cautiously wait until the cabin door opens, revealing Nogrdsk Phlgam, a three-time Freedonian national champion in the luge.
Nogrdsk Phlgam, national hero of Freedonia
“I am here to conquer London!” Phlgam exclaims from the top of the “airstair” that has been wheeled out to the plane. SWAT team members shoulder their arms, but Phlgam hastens to dissuade them. “No, no–with friendly competition, not gun!”
A call to Olympic officials reveals that Phlgam is indeed a well-known luger, but that the event is held at the winter olympics, not at summer games such as those that will commence this Friday here in London. “So no one else show up?” Phlgam asks hopefully and, when his supposition is confirmed he shouts ”I win gold!”
Kok boru qualifying round
Phlgam’s confusion is characteristic of the members of the Freedonian Olympic team, who arrived here last night prepared to compete in events that weren’t scheduled until 2014, are not recognized as official sports or in at least one case are purely fictional, according to spokesmen for the International Olympic Committee, the governing body of the games.
“The Freedonians are a proud people, and we are cognizant of their highly-developed skills in the fast-growing sport of kok boru,” said Armand Borch-Gravure, an IOC official, referring to the game played on horseback with a headless goat carcass used as a ball. “However, it takes two to tango and no other nation brought a team because kok boru or buzkashi or whatever you call it is not recognized for competition.”
Practice makes perfect for Freedonian kok boruskis!
The news comes as a shock to Emilk Zodorustak, a right wing on the Freedonian kok boru squad who has deftly succeeded in riding his horse down the airstair only to hear the bad news. “I have trained all my life for this day,” he says, fighting back tears. “Can I at least get fleece pullover with goofy amoeba-like Olympic mascots Mandeville and Wenlock on it?”
Mandeville and Wenlock
Zodorustak’s frustration is nothing compared to that felt by Ozg Nhilratz, captain of his nation’s 43-man Squamish team, when he is informed that the sport he has been working to master for the better part of a decade is in fact a Mad Magazine spoof of the 1960s. “Why you just tell me now?” he complains to Olympic officials. “I had hoped to be in sappy ’triumph over tragedy’ personal profile with Bob Costas.”
