NEW YORK. The government of Iran braved the scorn of the world’s civilized nations yesterday as President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad staked out a position in support of NFL replacement referees in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
Amhadinejad: “Go for two!”
“If you let a weak NFC West team like the Seahawks hang around for a shot at a win with a Hail Mary pass, you have no one to blame but yourself,” Ahmadinejad said as the leader of the Wisconsin Delegation walked out of the plenary session. “That’s not how we game-plan the Zionist imperialists of Israel.”
“Who cares about Green Bay? It’s the Monaco of the NFC Central.”
Seattle defeated Green Bay on Monday Night Football with a last-second touchdown pass that appeared to be aided by a blown offensive pass interference call, a questionable possession ruling and enriched uranium isotopes. World leaders have responded with outrage, putting aside world hunger and state-sponsored terrorism for the moment in order to address the NFL’s lockout of veteran referees, an issue of greater import.
“Wrong call, right review, we’ve got the bomb–end of story.”
The UN is sometimes used as a political football by headline-seeking American demagogues, who use the threat to withhold dues owed by the U.S. to counter rampant anti-American Football Conference bias they say permeates the international body. “The President has broad authority under the Taft-Hartley Act to order the two sides to get their act together in time for the playoffs,” White House press secretary Jay Carney said in a briefing dominated by football questions yesterday. “This is screwing up a lot of fantasy football leagues, which are the only businesses currently doing any hiring.”
A touchdown call on the field cannot be appealed to the United Nations unless the replay official sees “indisputable visual evidence” that a nuclear program is producing weapons-grade plutonium. Iran has reveled in its role as a rogue state, and said it welcomed the obloquy of western nations. “Green Bay is a small, isolated city in either Michigan or Wisconsin, like a Monaco or Lichtenstein,” Ahmadinejad told world leaders, many of whom remained awake for the majority of his speech. “If those nations didn’t have postage stamps they’d go under, and if Green Bay didn’t have football they’d go ice fishing.”