Revive Your Relationship Cosmo Style (Reader’s Digest Version)

I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m feeling the relationship “blahs” I turn to Cosmopolitan, the “lifestylist for millions of fun, fearless females.”  That’s where you’ll find articles like “The Secret Happy Couples Know,” which tells you how to reclaim that “falling-in-love rush” with great date ideas!

The problem with Cosmo, however, is that it was designed in the days of print media, and now its readers have moved on to the internet.  Many couples, faced with a list of fifteen great date ideas, simply give up after four or five, fueling America’s high divorce and break-up rates.  “What is all this stuff–Marcel Proust?” your disgusted boyfriend says as he scrolls down the page.  “I’m gonna go watch football!”

As a public service to young women struggling to make their relationships work, dammit!, I have condensed Cosmo’s great date ideas Reader’s Digest-style, streamlining the process of falling in love again so that you will have more time for the mind-blowing, bed-rattling orgasms explained elsewhere on the site once you’ve rekindled your relationship!


Marcel Proust, with marcelled hair

 

Go Kayaking With Margaritas! Sure water sports are fun, but you’re not going to impress anybody at the office who asks you “How was your weekend?” on Monday if all you’ve done is paddle around and slap mosquitos.  Liven up your whitewater experience with a pitcherful of potent margaritas that will impair your motor skills, making return to base camp that much more difficult.  Last one to surface gets to eat the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle!


“I need more salt!”

 

Create Your Own Makeout-Locale List With Someone New!  There’s nothing more romantic than stealing away to “Lover’s Lane” to spice up the humdrum dish you’ve made of your bed at home.  Instead of seeing the same old friends over and over again, invite a couple you barely know along for a front-and-back seat foursome that will test your car’s shock absorbers!

Sketch Naked People While You Dine Ethiopian!  There’s no better way to enjoy a new and different cuisine than by asking your server to take off his or her clothes so you can capture the natural beauty of the human body on your napkin or placemat.  To be fair to each other, alternate between waiters and waitresses so you can each get your jollies while you nosh on hot and spicy food from foreign lands!


“Yes, we have sippy-cups.”

 

Embark on a Beer-Tasting Tour With Kids!  Are you really made for the long-haul with each other?  There’s no better way to find out than to spend some time with “loaner” children from a local orphanage, and what could be more fun than a tour of a local brewery!  Kids need to learn the difference between “lite” and regular beers at an early age so they can safely navigate “jungle gyms” and other dangerous playground equipment.


“You feel froggy, just leap.  Ain’t no fence around my ass.”

 

Throw Some Punches at a Carnival Worker!  Surely you remember the fun you had as a child handing your ticket to a tattooed “carney” as you made your way onto the Tilt-a-Whirl!  Relive those days with a twist–throw the first punch instead of waiting for the age-old cry of “Hey rube!” that rings down the midway when fun-loving former convicts decide to prey on the winner of an overstuffed teddy bear!

Remember, Cosmopolitan is not responsible for loss of life or limb or physical disfigurement caused by its advice columns, unless you chose the special three-year subscription option!

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