Young Fans to Tiger: Say it Ain’t So!

FT. MYERS, Florida.  This city on the southwest coast of Florida is reputed to be the miniature golf capital of America, with more courses per capita than any metropolitan area in the country.  “It’s a place where kids start young and learn from their mistakes,” says Earl Gnoykins, who operates both Pirate’s Cove Putt-Putt and an adjacent alligator zoo.  “Like don’t step in the water hazards if you want to grow up with two feet.”

“I’ll meet you in the clubhouse for a Yoo-Hoo Chocolate Soda!”

So what better place to gauge the impact of the fall from grace suffered by Tiger Woods, who just a week ago was the most popular golfer in the world but is now disgraced due to revelations of nine mistresses–and counting.

“Girls are stupid dubos!”

What, this reporter asks young Bobby Dickman, does he think of the uproar?  The tow-headed nine-year-old struggles to keep his emotions in check, hiding behind his mother, then speaks.  “It’s awful,” he says.  “To work so hard and practice so much–and then have to sleep with a skanky bimbo!”

Over at the windmill hole, Jason Ferness, a twelve-year-old wearing a Florida Marlins cap, says he’s learned a valuable lesson from the tangled tale of love gone wrong.  “I’m never gonna do what he did,” he says emphatically.  And what exactly, this reporter asks, was that?  “Leave your cellphone lying around where your girlfriend can find it.”

Mindy Lawton:  “Please don’t make any pigs-in-a-blanket jokes.”

Woods’ lovers included Mindy Lawton, a waitress at a pancake house near his home is Isleworth, Florida, and that’s reason enough for Jerry Racunas, a freckle-faced 11-year-old with braces, to keep his favorite golfer up on a pedestal.  “If I could marry anyone in the world,” he says in a dreamy tone of voice, “it would be somebody who could serve me pancakes three meals a day.”

“Shop at Work” is Latest Holiday Perk

CHICAGO.  For Joe Klesjko, a trader at Wolf/Ram Associates, December is a hectic time of year, and not because of Christmas shopping.  “Our customers would trade 365 days a year if they could,” he says of a client base that hedges their exposure in world tungsten markets by buying the grey-white heavy high-melting ductile hard polyvalent metallic element under its other name–wolfram.

“Buy wolfram–sell tungsten!”

To make matters worse, Wolf/Ram doesn’t close its books until December 31st, and bonuses–if any–aren’t doled out until February, long after employees’ Christmas giving is over.  “I don’t know how much I’m gonna make in December,” Klesjko says.  “I can’t go out and buy Terri,” his third wife, “something expensive and end up with a credit card bill I can’t pay.”

“The pink Post-It Notes are very popular this year!”

So Klesjko’s boss, Mike Nilson, has come up with a new benefit to relieve employees’ stress over Christmas shopping and keep them focussed on the bottom line; “Shop at Work”, a program that lets Wolf/Ram’s overwhelmingly male cadre of traders take items from the firm’s office supply room during the month of December so they don’t waste valuable company time shopping for wives and girlfriends on-line or on the streets of Chicago.

Best Work Friends Forever!

“It’s been a godsend for me,” says Al Kowalski, at 55 the firm’s oldest trader in a young man’s game.  “Last year I gave my wife two eight and a half by eleven inch legal pads.  You should have seen the look on her face!”  Kowalski is divorced now, but says he understands that sometimes break-ups are best for both parties.  “Sure, I could have given her the long kind,” he says.  “But that wouldn’t have been fair to the guys in accounting, who love those big fourteen-inch suckers.”

Legal pads: Now available in pink!

In the supply room itself, twenty-something Mark Korsiki finds his job to be more fulfilling than he ever dreamed.  “It’s been really great to see guys come in here and put so much thought into whether they should get their wives an Acme ’Plan B’ Pencil Holder or a Princess-model Swingline stapler, in white or ecru,” he says.  “It teaches you that you need to think about someone besides yourself when you’re in a relationship.”

Acme “Plan B” Pencil Holder:  Top of the line.

As for his love life, Mark says he’s waiting for the right girl to come along after suffering a post-Christmas break-up last January.  “The holidays are really hard on couples,” he notes.  “Last year I gave my girlfriend Cindy a 2009 desk blotter calendar, and she was so overwhelmed that I literally never heard from her again.”

50 Cent Shows Softer Side With “Happy Gangsta Xmas”

FARMINGTON, Connecticut.  Rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as “50 Cent”, says he always gets sentimental at Christmas time, which may explain why his first release of holiday tunes–”A Happy Gangsta Xmas”–is winning him fans beyond his usual base of hard-core hip hop aficionadoes.

“Have a Merry effin’ Christmas or I’ll bust a cap on ya.”

“I got a little guy, you know?” Jackson says of his eleven year-old son, Marquise.  “Christmas is for kids, that’s what I tell the mall cops when I go shopping.”

“I just need to see what you’ve got in the bag, Mr. Cent.”

Jackson’s street-hardened image undergoes a makeover on the album, with wistful tunes that deck the holiday season in sentimental trimming.  “Sorry I Have to Blow You Away On This Holiest of Days” is an anthem to those who, like the cocaine dealer Jackson used to be, must work on Christmas.  “I feel for guys at gas stations and toll takers on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge,” Cent says.  “If I was mayor I’d give ‘em all the day off.”

Rudolph:  “Ouch–that’s gotta hurt!”

Jackson takes his listeners on a joyous ride through his home turf of Brooklyn on “We’ll Be Pistol Whippin’ Santa After Hijacking His Sleigh”, a rollicking tale of a posse that stops Santa on his way to Manhattan and distributes high-end toys from F.A.O. Schwartz to children from the ghetto. 

Ho-ho-ho.

Jackson, who was shot in the face at close range in 2000, says he had time to think about the meaning of life as he lay in the hospital for thirteen days recovering from his wounds.  “I said to myself, Fitty, you all the time rappin’ about ho’s.  Maybe you could do an album of Christmas tracks with ho-ho-ho’s.”

“Fitty–don’t shoot!”

Is there a possibility that Jackson could go mainstream after such a collection of easy listening music?  “I’ll be keeping it real,” says the rapper with the perennial scowl on his face, “but I gotta think about my career.  I may go on Sesame Street and have it out with Oscar the Grouch.”

Panthers’ Smith Quiets Hostile Crowds Library Style

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. Carolina Panthers’ wide receiver Steve Smith likes to say he can make an opposing team’s home stadium “quiet as a liberry” with the explosive skills that have made him one of the NFL’s most feared offensive threats.

“You–be quiet!”

As a result, the Panthers have acquired a reputation as the NFL’s ultimate “Road Warriors”, winning eight of ten away games during the 2006 regular season and an NFL-record tying four in a row in the post-season before falling to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game.

Boston Public Library:  “Shh–the perverts are sleeping.”

Smith hopes to continue that tradition this Sunday in New England whose largest city–Boston–is the eighth most literate in America.  It will be a tough chore, however, since Boston libraries are actually bustling places and not the quiet refuges of yore, according to Priscilla Smith-Volker, head librarian at the city’s Copley Square branch. “Goodness, we have a lot going on,” she says in her prim and proper manner. “There’s story hour for the toddlers, a foreign film series, and perverts downloading child pornography at the computers.”

Early in the second quarter of the Panthers’ 16-6 win over Tampa Bay last Sunday Smith was seen berating the Panthers’ offensive staff on the sideline.

John Dewey: An organized guy.

“I told them to get me the damn ball, but they were totally disorganized. They were using Library of Congress Class Headings. You can’t get to the Super Bowl ‘less you use Dewey Decimal Classifications,” he said, referring to the two principal library cataloging systems.

“Get me the damn ball, or let me renew War and Peace!”

In the team’s last road game against the New York Jets Smith was held to one catch for five yards, a setback he blames on the team’s coaching staff. “That fool filed our playbook under ‘Sports, Recreational’,” Smith noted, referring to the Panthers’ offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson. “Goddam, man–he should have put it under ‘Sports, Competitive’!”

At least he used to be a genius.

For his part, head coach John Fox refused to blame Smith or Panthers’ quarterback Jake Delhomme for the loss that day. “I take full responsibility,” Fox said. “I came into town and tried to check out David Halberstam’s book on Bill Belichick (The Education of a Coach) on a temporary library card. They told me I couldn’t borrow any ‘New Arrivals’ unless I had a utility bill with a local address.” As a result, Fox never learned the secrets of the Patriots’ coaching genius.

“When I get to Boston I’ll just buy it at the airport,” Fox said ruefully.  “Maybe it’s marked down now that Belichick isn’t a genius anymore.”

Feds: al Qaeda Using Christmas Club Accounts to Launder Funds

WASHINGTON, D.C.  The Department of Homeland Security today warned community banks to be wary of Arabic men seeking to withdraw funds from Christmas Club accounts, saying Islamic terrorists are using the popular savings scheme to launder money. 

“We heard you were offering toaster ovens for new accounts.”

“al Qaeda–who is not a single person named ‘Al’–is using Christmas Clubs to avoid regulatory scrutiny,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.  “Also, I am not that kind of secretary, I have somebody who does my typing and filing for me.”

Suspicious advertisement

“Christmas Club” accounts were first devised in the early 20th century as a savings mechanism.  Individuals make regular deposits in the account during the course of the year, and cannot withdraw the funds without penalty until December 1st.  “It’s a great idea–if you’re a banker,” says Al Beckham of Community Federal Savings in Belmont, Massachusetts, as he left his office at 3 p.m. when the bank closes for the day.  “If we paid interest I’d have to work later.”

Three Wise Men:  “We’ve got to get to Bethlehem before the bank closes!”

Christmas Club accounts comply with the prohibitions of Islamic law, known as shari’ ah, against the payment of interest, and are exempt from federal laws that require banks to report suspicious transactions.  “If a guy is coming in here in a burnoose and depositing a million dollars every week, for all I know he’s just thrifty,” says Beckham.

Federal bank regulators have developed a training video for community bank employees to assist them in dealing with suspicious customers, one segment of which includes a simulated deposit transaction between “Ethel”, a teller whose hairstyle has not changed since the television series “Charlie’s Angels” was cancelled in 1981, and “Abd al-Aziz”, a terrorist:

TELLER:  Okay, now how do you spell your name?

DEPOSITOR:  A-b-d . . .

TELLER: A-b-d . . .

DEPOSITOR: Little a-l, hyphen, capital a-z-i-z.

TELLER:   That’s an unusual first name–how do you pronounce it?

DEPOSITOR:  Just like it’s spelled–”abaduh”.

TELLER:  So you want to open up a Christmas Club account–how many kids do you have?

DEPOSITOR:  By which wife?

TELLER:  Uh–I guess it doesn’t matter.

DEPOSITOR:  Forty-seven.

TELLER:  Goodness!  What do they all want for Christmas?

DEPOSITOR:  The boys like the Hasbro “Whack-a-Jew” game, the girls have their eyes on the Burquah Barbie.

TELLER:  Kids are so cute!  Now I have to ask you a question that may be a little embarrassing . . .

DEPOSITOR:  Shoot–

TELLER:  Are you a member of any terrorist organization?

DEPOSITOR:  Has anyone ever told you your hair looks like Farrah Fawcett’s?

TELLER:  Why thank you!  I work hard to make the bangs flip up!

Your Holiday Gift Advisor

Selecting the perfect gift for a friend or family member is a sign that you care for them in a very special way.  Your Holiday Gift Advisor is here to help you find just the right present to make this holiday season a memorable one.

In happier times.

Dear Holiday Gift Advisor:

Last Christmas I gave my wife a nice wicker basket filled with batteries of various sizes–D, AA, AAA and those hard-to-find kind you put in smoke detectors.  She didn’t seem too excited, and has been very mopey and sarcastic ever since, saying things like “I wonder what Mr. Wonderful has in mind this year?” when she leaves the room to get another Nehi Diet Orange Soda.

Holiday Gift Advisor–this is contrary to the advice you gave me in November of ‘08, which was that women appreciated the thought and effort you put into a gift and didn’t care about luxury.  We are a young couple just starting out, and those batteries will come in handy as we live in a tornado-prone area of the country and must make sure that our flashlights and radio are available in an emergency.

Lyle Oderberg, Shawnee-Mission, KS

Saving to get ahead.

Dear Lyle:

I have researched my files and you misconstrued my comment, I suspect deliberately.  I said “women appreciate the thought and effort you put into a gift perhaps more than any other consideration.”  Careful planning for a natural disaster is no excuse for being a cheapskate, and you probably could have found a nice dish rack or pot scrubber just a few aisles over from the batteries.

“If I was you I’d git him one of those Chia Pets.”

Dear Mr./Ms. Holiday Gift Advisor:

My nephew is a senior in high school and I want to do something special for him this Christmas in recognition of this milestone.  My brother-in-law, whom I will call “Earl”, has given me a list that includes all sorts of video games, “rap” CDs and a “Jackass Boxed Set”, whatever that is.  I was thinking more along the lines of a monogrammed wallet or a nice pen-and-pencil set.  I personally have always thought my sister married beneath herself, but I do not want to offend Earl needlessly.  Can you suggest a compromise that is both dignified and consistent with the white trash tastes that my nephew has apparently picked up from his father?

Miss Jane Heloise Putnam, Dubuque, Iowa

Jackass stunt.

Dear Miss Putnam:

You seem to have an overdeveloped sense of propriety–lighten up!  The youth of today are the hope of the future, and childhood is but a fleeting moment in the sunshine before the twilight and eventual gloom of adult responsibilities.  Here are three gift suggestions that bridge the chasm between adolescence and maturity:

Hip-hop, yet tasteful.

Notorious B.I.G. autograph model chain wallet.  The fashion accessory no “gangsta rapper” should be without!  $24.95, firearm not included.

Tells the world you have so much money you can afford to blow it on stupid stuff.

Adult model “Jackass” pen by Mont Blanc.  The writing instrument of choice for overpaid professionals around the world.  Retails for $1,200.

World’s most expensive hand-held video game.

Specially-modified, gold-plated Game Boy. Comes with ”rumble pack” and three-family apartment building.  $25,000.

Danielle:  “Cindy, this is . . . just great!  What is it?”

Dear Your Holiday Gift Advisor Person:

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding.  I say “friend” but in fact this girl Danielle is getting married to a guy I dated for two years in high school.  I’m thinking if I have to contribute to her bridal shower I shouldn’t have to buy her a Christmas gift too, especially since it could be me getting married instead of her.  What do you think?

Cindy Dworpkin, Youngstown, OH

Cindy Dear–

I understand your sense of double-resentment.  Bridal showers are getting out of hand, with the old-style potluck lunch going the way of wedding-day virginity.  Here’s a tip for the frugal-minded: Have one of the other bridesmaids bring a nice floral centerpiece, divert everyone’s attention by dropping a glass of red wine on the carpet, take the flowers into the bathroom and turn them into a beautiful hat for your two-timing friend.  When she puts it on, she’ll really be a blushing bride!

Dad’s bass boat:  He *sniff* never got to use it. 

Dear Holiday Gift Advisor:

My husband is one of six children, and his brothers and sisters persuaded him to “pitch in” on a bass boat for their father for Christmas.  Long story short, we wrote a check for $3,000 towards a used Skeeter SX-20, which his brother Lowell bought in his own name to “keep it a surprise.”  Next thing that happens is his dad goes and dies of a heart attack last week when the San Diego Chargers “creamed” his beloved Kansas City Chiefs.  Now Lowell is in the cat bird’s seat because the boat is in his name, and he’s offering to “buy us out” for $2,000 because he says he did all the leg work.  I don’t think that’s fair–what are your thoughts?

Jeannie Sue Moore, Knob Noster, Missouri

“Yoo-hoo, Lowell!  Can we go for a ride in your boat?”

Dear Jeannie Sue–

If you look deep within your heart I think you can understand how the loss of his father could make Lowell distraught and irrational, and lash out at other family members in this fashion.  I would suggest that you contact the Johnson County District Attorney and ask him if Lowell may have violated any laws by applying for a boat title in his name with your money–there is nothing to bring a grieving relative to his senses like a knock on the door from the sheriff’s department!

This Christmas, Take Her Breath Away the Home Depot Way

Looking to put some magic back in your marriage this Christmas?  Want to give your better half a gift she’ll never forget? 

$3.90, plus tax.

All it takes is a trip to Home Depot, where you were going this weekend anyway, right?  Why spend $200, $300 or more on a fancy gold necklace for your wife when you can make one from basic supplies that cost less than $15!

 

Log chain, $8.19, plus tax.

That’s right–you can save as much $285, money that would be better spent on necessities such as beer, NFL Sunday Ticket or a tasteful Kasey Kahne lamp to decorate your den.

NASCAR Kasey Kahne lamp.

To create your unique one-of-a-kind DIY gold necklace, buy one (1) can of gold spray paint–Rust-Oleum is recommended for outdoor wear–and one (1) log chain of the desired length.  Hang the chain from the heavy-duty internal steel spreader of a step ladder using medium gauge coated wire.

Stepladder

After vigorously shaking the can for one (1) minute, spray the log chain with the gold paint.  When paint dries, apply a second coating after removing chain and attaching other end to the steel spreader to achieve full coverage.

Comparable model–$300, depending on gold prices.

Voila!  Your finished product will look as good as comparable gold necklaces sold in expensive stores.  Top fashion designers agree–”fake” is the new “real”.

And best of all–if she discovers your money-saving “trick”, remind her–

It’s the thought that counts.

Persecution of Agnostics on Rise During Holiday Season

ARLINGTON, Virginia. The month of December is a time of peace and goodwill for members of several world religions, but for Alan Macy, it’s a nightmare. “Everybody gangs up on me–Christians, Jews and Muslims,” he says, as he watches firemen put out a blaze on his front lawn. “It’s very ecumenical.”

“You’re just lucky it wasn’t an exclamation point.”

Macy is an agnostic–a person who believes that it is impossible for humans to know whether there is a supreme being.  As such, he is the target of persecution throughout the year both by religious believers and by atheists, who accuse his type of being wishy-washy.

“See that guy?  He doesn’t know what to think about Christmas.”

Last night, a group of masked men came to Macy’s house and burned a question mark in front of his house, ridiculing his indifference to cosmic questions and religious strife. “Make up your freakin’ mind!” someone spray-painted across his door.

“What’s it gonna be?  Yes or no to divinity!”

Other agnostics say they suffer little indignities throughout the holiday season. “I bought a birthday present at Hecht’s,” a Washington-area department store, “and I dropped my American Agnostics Association membership card on the counter when I went to pay,” says Ellen Sherman. “The shopgirl said ‘Why don’t you people get your own damn holiday’, and refused to gift-wrap it for me.”

“I’m sorry–you don’t get the after-Christmas discount unless you at least believe in X-mas.”

Leaders of religious groups say they caution adherents to practice tolerance towards those who have lost their faith and don’t know where to find it. “I tell my parishioners to share God’s love with those who don’t believe in him, since we may be able to convert them someday,” says Father Francis Kaloff of St. Columbkill’s parish in Brighton, Massachusetts. “At this holiest time of the year, I urge my faithful to save their anger for members of competing sects who cut into our revenues.”

Holiday Party Dos and Don’ts

The holiday season is upon us, which means that office parties are right around the corner.  Many careers have crashed and burned as a result of inappropriate behavior ‘neath the office Christmas tree/menorah/Kwanzaa thingy, so here are a few tips to make sure you still have a job come New Year’s Eve:

  

Do bring something to place in the “Toys for Tots” bin.  Atlanta gift consultant Marnie Updegrove says it is perfectly acceptable to “regift” a waffle iron or Dustbuster that you received last year on an impoverished child.  “For many children, the soothing hum of a small appliance or hand-held vacuum brings more happiness than they can imagine, unless their no-count mother practices her exotic dancing routines in front of them.”

“Not now sweetie, Mommy’s practicing.”

Don’t get all atheist on everybody.  When your boss wishes you “Merry Christmas”, keep your opinions to yourself rather than saying “I don’t see what’s so ‘merry’ about a religion that used thumbscrews on rabbis during the Spanish Inquisition!”-unless you’ve already received your bonus check.

“Okay–I’ll switch from Hebrew National to Oscar Mayer Weiners!”

Do celebrate the season:  Nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or Gertie who’s worried about whether Acme Widget gets that rush shipment of gadgets on Christmas Eve!  Drop what you’re doing even if you’re facing an overnight deadline and get over to the bar or hotel where others are celebrating.  They must want you there or you wouldn’t have been invited–assuming you were.

  

“Bob from the supply room was right–the Glue Stick Dance is fun!”

Don’t take hostages:  Challenger Corp., a Chicago-based employment consultant, says holiday-related hostage situations are up 3.6% over the last two years, a fact that they attribute to a slumping economy.  “Both salaried and hourly workers are feeling threatened, which accounts for the spike in cloak-room standoffs,” says consultant John Ervin.  If you must hold someone against his or her will, make sure you pick someone from a lower pay grade than yours.

 
“Is that a peppermint stick in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

Do open up your heart to your co-workers-it’s the “reason for the season”!  If you’ve imagined Phyllis in accounting dressed in rubber underwear every time you submit your expense report-let her know how festive she looks in her red clingy knit sweater with the poinsettia corsage positioned directly above her left baby-feeder!  Before you begin to nibble, however, remember that this plant is toxic for pets, and thus can’t be good for humans.

White House Party Crashers Penetrate al Qaeda, Nab bin Laden

SOMEWHERE IN THE PAK-AFGHAN MOUNTAINS, Afghanistan.  Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the social climbers who penetrated White House security to crash President Obama’s first state dinner, today repaid their country for that embarrassing episode by intercepting Osama bin Laden as he moved through the buffet line at al Qaeda’s Suicide Bomber of the Year Awards.

“Great to see you Rahm!  Gotta run, there’s Osama-b.  Ciao!”

“We felt it was the least we could do,” Michaele told E! magazine.  “We have experience in clandestine operations that the CIA would die for!”

“Please–let me finish my dung beetle pate!”

bin Laden had been the world’s most wanted man for nearly a decade, but had evaded capture by an elaborate network of underground tunnels, velvet rope lines, and VIP-only after-parties. 

Ornette Coleman and poodle:  “Please don’t take another chorus!”

“Your ordinary special forces soldier will usually take ‘no’ for an answer when he gets to the mouth of a heavily-guarded cave,” said Bryce Dormund, features editor for Soldier of Fortune Magazine.  “Michaele made a little pouty face and cocked her head to one side like a poodle listening to Ornette Coleman, and the guy waved her right in.”

Soldier of Fortune Magazine Special Holiday Party Issue

The Salahis broke the ice with bin Laden by talking about a common interest, a recognized conversational lubricant at large social gatherings.  “I told him we had a stable of polo ponies,” said Tareq, “and that he smelled like it.”