Grand Theft Auto: Massachusetts Hits Stores Today

NATICK, Mass.   Lines began to form outside The Gnarly Gamer, a store in this suburb west of Boston, at 4:30 this morning in anticipation of “Grand Theft Auto: Massachusetts”, the latest release of one of the most successful videogames in history.  “It’s gonna be wicked awesome,” said Kyle Gomes, a fifteen year-old from neighboring Framingham.  “We’re the car theft capital of America, and we’ve got the worst drivers!”

The mall.

Grand Theft Auto is a videogame produced by Take-Two Interactive Software in which players seek to steal cars and escape from police who pursue them.  “You want to turn right and head east down Route 9 as soon as you jack a car,” says Kyle’s friend Nathan Wingfield.  “All the cops are parked at Dunkin’ Donuts, and you can blow right by them.”

“Let’s ditch the car–I can’t afford the insurance!”

Prior editions of the game have been controversial among pediatricians, police and educators nationwide who say it encourages reckless driving by teenagers, a problem that will only be exacerbated by the latest release according to Edward Coburn, executive director of the National Council for Traffic Safety.  “Grand Theft Auto: Massachusetts sends the wrong message to kids,” he says with concern.  “Bad driving in the Bay State strikes people in all walks of life, especially jay-walking pedestrians.”

Made in Massachusetts!

Hard-core gamers says Take-Two could not afford to ignore Massachusetts if they wanted to maintain their credibility.  “Kids today can read the FBI crime statistics, or they can find an adult who can,” says Mike Dwyer, who reviews new releases for Video Thrillz magazine.  “They know Massachusetts is to car theft what Paris was to art, or France or Hilton.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Sources Say Walsh Has Nude Pix of Belichick

FOXBORO, Mass.  With the announcement yesterday that a meeting between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Matt Walsh has been arranged, insiders have begun to speculate on what hard evidence the former New England Patriots’ video assistant has to back up his claim that the team engaged in illegal taping as far back as 2002.

Matt Walsh

“What he’s got on tape is disturbing,” said a former employee of the team who preferred to remain anonymous.  “Bill Belichick, in the shower, with soap on a rope.”

Brut Soap-on-a-Rope

Belichick became obsessed with soap-on-a-rope after the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III in 1969, when Belichick was 16.  Joe Namath, the Jets’ quarterback who brashly predicted the stunning upset, had been featured using Brut Soap-on-a-Rope in television commercials, and the two became linked in the aspiring coach’s mind.  Belichick asked his parents for Brut Soap-on-a-Rope as a birthday present three months later, and has used the product normally associated with adolescent boys ever since as a good luck charm.

Namath: “It’s impossible to fumble soap-on-a-rope in the shower, even when the other guys blitz you.”

Walsh, a minimum wage go-fer for the Patriots, fell out of favor with Belichick following a summer camp scrimmage in which Belichick shouted out “right guard” after a blown offensive assignment.  Walsh interpreted the coach’s command to refer to men’s toiletries, and subsequently gave Belichick a Gillette Right Guard boxed gift set that included deodorant, shaving cream and after-shave.  Walsh was dismissed from the team shortly thereafter, and grew resentful of the $10.95 he had spent for nought.

Negotiations between Walsh’s lawyer and the NFL had dragged on as the league initially refused to provide legal protection to Walsh for his evidence.  “There was a genuine concern that you’d expose your client to prosecution for pornography if you turned over a videotape of Belichick in the shower,” said Robert Bostrom, a professor of criminal law at Boston College Law School.  “He wears that hoodie thing for a reason.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Abstinence Ed Foes Find New Ally in Teenage Boys

WASHINGTON.  Health groups who appeared before Congress yesterday to testify against funding for abstinence-only sex education found themselves with new allies as they emerged into the spring sunlight on the steps of Capitol Hill–the American Association of Teenage Horndogs, a trade association whose members are composed largely of high school “makeout-artists” opposed to restrictions on heavy petting.

“I never had any problem getting boys to stop at first base.”

“The right to petition government for redress of grievances is right there in the Constitution, which we studied in eighth grade,” said Alan Wertheimer of Lou Brock High School in St. Louis.  “We support the American Academy of Pediatrics and other healthcare organizations who are the doing the heavy lifting on the crucial issue of backseat nookie.”

“Are you sure this is an approved senior project?”

The primary supporters of abstinence-only sex education classes are Republicans who have sex with their spouses less than once a week, according to Roll Call, a Washington publication that covers Congressional voting patterns. 

Washington Wizards Dance Team:  “You’re right, they do look like interns.” 

Democrats have failed to cut off funding for such programs because they frequently miss quorum calls due to illicit affairs with aides, constituents and the Washington Wizards dance team.  Young Republicans are required to take an oath of chastity when they join the organization, which seeks to restore a Nixon-Eisenhower monarchy in America.

David Eisenhower, Julie Nixon Eisonhower:  Heir and heiress to the throne.

Abstinence-only education is normally taught in four segments of increasing difficulty over the course of a student’s progress through high school.  One popular set of textbooks by the McGuire-Hillman Publishing Company features textbooks titled “Stopping at First!” for freshmen, “Also Stopping at Second!” for sophomores, “I Told You to Stop at Second!” for juniors, and “Whoa–Pull Out Now!” for seniors.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Schoolkids Find Official State Designations Hard to Come By

BOSTON.  The golden dome of the Massachusetts State House has witnessed many a late-night debate over momentous legislation ranging from rights of workers to massive public works projects.  It has also been the scene of many an afternoon session featuring chocolate chip cookies which, under General Laws chapter 2, section 42, are the official cookie of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Massachusetts State House

“Getting kids involved in the legislative process is a fun way to teach them about their civic responsibilites,” says fourth-grade teacher Lynn Nichols of the Tony Conigliaro Middle School in Swampscott, Mass.  “It’s also a good excuse for a field trip in the spring, when they can barely keep their fannies in the seats.”

“If you guys will vote for the Tokay gecko as the official nocturnal lizard of the Commonwealth, I can maybe get one of your relatives a job at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.”

But as demands on legislators’ time increase with a fiscal crisis looming and a recent universal healthcare law showing signs of stress, state senators and representatives have had to curtail schoolkids’ easy access to the legislative process and their time.

“Please make me the state cat–pretty please?”

“There’s only so much I can do for you kid,” Rep. Martin Flores of East Boston is saying to Tommy Racunas, who has come to the State House with his fifth grade class from Our Lady of Perpetual Airplane Noise in East Boston to petition for black-and-white bi-color cats–also known as “Tuxedo cats”–to be named the official cat of the Commonwealth.  “The tabbies got there first, and as soon as they hear about it, they’ll be all over me like a cheap suit, which I’m already wearing one,” he says.

“You want Jimmy Piersall to be the official bipolar outfielder of the Commonwealth?”

The kids begin to learn the ropes after a while, says Senate Clerk Ronald Giachetti.  “First thing you gotta know, is you never go direct to the legislator, you go to his or her lobbyist.  The lobbyist sets up a ‘time’,” a cocktail party fund-raiser, “and you buy a bunch of tickets.”

“Suggested contribution $150?  We took a vow of poverty!”

That presents a problem for both teachers, who usually only have subway fare in their budget for the trip to the State House, and for the students, who are not old enough to drink.  “If Senator di Presti could promise me action on my Frisbee as official aero-dynamically supported amusement device of the Commonwealth, maybe I could see it,” says Lloyd Knox, a sixth-grader from working-class Chelsea.  “At $150 a pop for a watered-down Coke, I think I’ll pass.”

“I want to thank youse kids for coming.  Please make your checks out to Committee to Re-Elect Brian McClary.”

As a result, it is kids from the wealthier suburbs who command legislators’ attention and are most successful in seeing their bills become law.  “I really like my mom’s new Range Rover,” says Amy Gerstner of affluent Wellesley.  “I think it should be the state’s official SUV!”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Wisconsin State Police on Alert as Arbor Day Approaches

MADISON, Wisconsin.  On the heels of a U.S. government report that Wisconsin leads the nation in adult drunken drivers, state police began to assemble here early today to keep crowds forming for traditional Arbor Day festivities from spiraling out of control when beer drinkers celebrating the state’s number one status are added to the mix.

“When the cheese starts to fly, we start shooting–got it?”

“Wisconsinites will not tolerate lawlessness unless there’s a Green Bay Packers’ Super Bowl victory to go along with it,” said Governor Jim Doyle.  “Any attempt to turn over cheese delivery trucks will be met with swift and deadly force.”

“Hey, wait a minute.  That’s not a tree!”

Arbor Day is a holiday celebrated on the last Friday in April on which individuals and groups are encouraged to plant and care for trees.  It originated in Nebraska, but the locus was moved to Wisconsin after it was discovered that in Nebraska wheat is considered a tree.  The state song of Wisconsin is “In Heaven There is No Beer, That’s Why We Drink it Here.”

Packer fans tailgating:  “Let me give you my recipe for Bears’ Fan Flambe.”

The government report found the upper Midwest to have the worst drunken-driving record in the country, and Wisconsin leading the pack with 25% of adults having driven under the influence of alcohol.  “We’re number 1,” Appleton, Wisconsin residents chanted when the results were announced, pouring into the streets with pitchers of beer in their hands to set fire to grain silos and vacant parking lots. 

“Here’s one without any trees!”

Arbor Day celebrations tend to get out of hand if crowds of horticulturists are not contained according to Wisconsin State Trooper Jim Hampe.  “You give a guy a shovel, a bag of fertilizer and a can of Heileman’s Special Export Beer,” he says, shaking his head, “and anything can happen.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Couples Tell of Pain, Promise of Mixed WASP Marriages

WILTON, Connecticut.  In this leafy suburb of New York, it is possible to go for months without seeing one’s next-door neighbors, says A.J. “Tony” Ward, a long-time resident.  “That’s what two-and-a-half-acre zoning will do for you,” he says with a mixture of pride and chagrin.  “It does make it hard when you need to borrow a glass of white wine for a recipe.” 

“No animal sacrifice–just like you promised!”

That sense of privacy also leads to isolation, however, creating feelings of suspicion between members of different religious denominations.  “I really didn’t know many Presbyterians growing up,” says Emily Hawkins, an Episcopalian.  “Until I met my sweetie, I thought they had horns and cloven hooves,” she says with the easy laugh that won the heart of her fiance, Jed Montrose, an investment banker.

“We’re so tolerant–unlike our parents!”

But couples who cross the religious border line between Protestant denominations often find their lives complicated by doctrinal and social differences, says local marriage counselor Pamela Winthrop.  “Episcopalians tend to split their investments 60% stocks, 40% bonds,” she says.  “Presbyterians tend to be more conservative, and limit stocks to 55% of their portfolios, max.”

“He bought me a large-cap mutual fund for Valentine’s Day!”

That sort of fine distinction may seem trivial to an outsider, but to one inured to the folkways of a particular Protestant church, they can seem like a sea-change.  “When I was a little girl service started at 11:00 sharp, right after Sunday school,” says Melinda Hall, a Presbyterian who married a Methodist.  “Now we don’t start until 11:30, and my stomach growls so loud I have to suck on Mentos mints to make it to coffee hour!”

 

Religious leaders applaud the new willingness among young WASPs–white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants–to reach across denominational lines in search of romance, but caution that cultural differences can make the early years of marriage harder. 

Paddle tennis

“Presbyterians tend to prefer paddle tennis,” an outdoor game played with short-handled wooden paddles on heated courts during the winter, says Rev. Creighton Abrams of St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church in Old Lyme, Connecticut, “while Episcopalians are more likely to play squash,” an indoor game played with long, badminton-like racquets.  “If you don’t get the eye-hand coordination of a mixed marriage right, you can end up giving your spouse a nasty shiner.”

Snake handling Baptists

One thing the three wealthiest Protestant denominations agree on, however–you don’t want to “go Baptist”, a reference to the Protestant sect favored by low-income Americans.  “It’s no wonder those people are so fat,” says Ellen Waldorf.  “All they ever do for exercise is snake-handling.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

With Heston Gone, Move to Update 10 Commandments Grows

PHILADELPHIA.  For Bob Delmark, a mailroom employee at the American Law Institute, April 7th was different from a typical Monday at the offices of this organization dedicated to the improvement of the law.  “Usually we get one plastic container that’s about half full,” he says, ”but when I walked in that morning I had two duffle bags of mail to sort through.”

The reason for the unusual volume of correspondence?  “Charlton Heston died the Friday before,” says Michael Traynor, ALI President.  “A lot of people were just waiting for him to kick off so they could propose amendments to the Ten Commandments.”

According to his entry on the Internet Movie Database (imdb.com), Heston wrote the Ten Commandments, the fundamental principles of the Judeo-Christian tradition, in 1956 during the filming of the Cecil B. DeMille classic of the same name.  Prior to that time, society had been governed by a code of “Anything Goes”, a 1934 song written by Cole Porter that was made into a movie starring Bing Crosby and Donald O’Connor.

“In olden days an alligator was considered a lousy mate, now heaven knows–anything goes!”

“The Ten Commandments were fine for their time, but frankly, there’s a lot that could be cut, like the stuff about coveting,” says Arthur Marty, a professor of religion at Duquesne University.  “Who gives a rat’s rear-end whether you have lust in your heart for your neighbor’s wife?  It don’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.”

Anatomical gift-giving:  “A spleen!  You’re so thoughtful!”

The ALI agreed to take on the project because they had just finished their best-selling “Restatement of the Law of Suretyship” and were looking for their next big hit.  “We considered a revision of the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act,” says Traynor, “but too many people on the drafting committee got grossed out by the thought of it.”

The new Ten Commandments is already being criticized as “Decalogue Light” by fundamentalist ministers, who object to the elimination of commandments 9 and 10, the “coveting” commandments, and the substitution of the Google motto “Don’t be evil” for the first commandment, “I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange gods before me.”  “That was a real turn-off for a lot of people,” said National Football League president Roger Goodell.  “Frankly, who’s to say whether you get more from a Arizona Cardinals-Cleveland Browns game on Sunday or a boring sermon about the eternal fires of hell?”

The ALI says that despite the criticism it doesn’t consider its decision to get involved in the revision of a religious text to be sacrilegous.  “I don’t know what everybody’s getting so upset about,” says Traynor.  “It’s not like they were carved in stone.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Suicide Hot-Lines Find Teen Girls Make Best Volunteers

BOURNE, Mass.  Like many high school juniors, Cyndi Cahill faces long odds as she looks ahead to next year, demographically the toughest in American history in terms of college admissions.  “My guidance counselor told me I’d either have to get my GPA up or do something nice for somebody,” she says.  “After I bombed my pre-calc mid-term, I opted for community service.”

 

“You could study harder, or you could do a walk-a-thon–it’s up to you.”

So Cyndi volunteered at the Cape Cod Suicide Help Line, a round-the-clock service that distraught individuals can call when they are contemplating a leap from the Sagamore Bridge, the most active suicide site in the Northeast.  She was surprised to find the work fulfilling–and that she had a natural aptitude for it.

Sagamore Bridge, Cape Cod, Mass.

“I thought it would be like really depressing,” she says, “but I enjoy talking to people about their problems.”

“Don’t jump–we’ll come over and make brownies!”

Cyndi and other teenage girls across the country have in fact become the highest-volume producers in the suicide prevention industry, according to Larry Kaplan, editor of Eleemosynary Review, a journal devoted to non-profits.  “This is the one type of call center you can’t outsource to Bangalore,” he notes.  “Indian operators tend to view Americans as spoiled, and often end calls by saying ‘Go ahead and jump, you whiner!’”

“You’re depressed?  How’d you like to share your bedroom with a grandmother, two brothers and a cow?”

Volunteers receive three hours of training before they are allowed to handle incoming calls, and psychologists who listen in during a two-week probation period say they are impressed with the speed at which teenage girls become proficient at the delicate art of counseling mentally disturbed individuals.

“Whenever I’m depressed, I buy a new bathing suit.  Maybe that would cheer you up!”

“The temptation is to patronize people who feel they have nothing to live for,” notes Dr. Margaret Kidder, “like, ‘You think you’ve got it bad?  My forehead broke out the night before the junior prom!’  But in fact, teen girls are capable of a great deal of empathy,” she says as she plays a tape made this past Saturday night:

TEEN GIRL VOLUNTEER:  Cape Cod Suicide Hot Line, Amy speaking.

SUICIDAL CALLER:  I . . . I’m going to end it all.  Tonight.

TEEN GIRL VOLUNTEER:  No way!

SUICIDAL CALLER:  Way.

TEEN GIRL VOLUNTEER:  Don’t even think about it!  You’ve got so much to live for!

SUICIDAL CALLER:  Like what?

Miley Cyrus, a/k/a “Hannah Montana”

TEEN GIRL VOLUNTEER:  There’s a Hannah Montana special on the Disney Channel tonight!

SUICIDAL CALLER:  That’s it?

TEEN GIRL VOLUNTEER:  Well, that and I get my driver’s license next week!

SUICIDAL CALLER:  (Silence)  Tell my mother she’s not to blame, okay?

 

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Climatologist Says School Science Projects Cause Global Warming

DOWNERS GROVE, Illinois.  The fifth-grade science fair at Nellie Fox Middle School is always a competitive event in this high-achieving suburb.  “Many of our brightest kids will go on to become Ph. D.’s in the hard sciences,” says principal Wallace Forstmann proudly.  “Other, less fortunate students will actually make money.”

Nellie Fox Middle School:  Plenty of good parking spaces still available.

Last year’s runner-up, Adam Waxman, thinks he has a chance to win it all this year with a depiction of how, if people like his mom and dad would only stop driving SUVs, dinosaurs might make a comback and roam the earth again.  “My favorite is the triceratops,” he says as he points out a model of the three-horned herbivore climbing a miniature volcano.  “I’d like to see him trample the lunch ladies the next time they serve fishsticks.”

“If we could get a triceratops in the double doors where they make deliveries, it might work.”

But Adam may be cruelly disappointed tonight because his school, in an effort to promote “green” thinking among its budding scientists, has added a new assessment category for judges; the amount of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere by a project, with higher scores going to those that are carbon negative or neutral.

“Bake sale!”

Armand Wilson, a professor of climatology at the Illinois Institute of Technology, takes notes on a clipboard as he strolls through the fair, nodding with approval when he arrives at Adam’s exhibit. 

Wilson: ”Adam, I’m afraid you’re an environmental juvenile delinquent.” 

“This is most impressive–albeit horribly naive,” Wilson says with a friendly grin.  “Let’s see–Plaster of Paris volcano.  That means fossil fuels were used to mine gypsum, then used to heat it to 150 degrees centigrade,” he says.  “Not good.”  Adam’s face registers concern, but Wilson moves to reassure him.  “It’s just ten points off–but you should have just used mud.”

“We need to shut this exhibit down right now!”

Wilson next examines the paint used to give the volcano its grey-brown color, and a bright green hue to the surrounding “jungle”.  “Hmm,” he says.  “Latex paint–acrylic polymer emulsion,” he murmurs to himself as he checks a box on the evaluation sheet.  “You’ve got vinyl and polyvinyl acetates there, young man.  You should have just mushed up some berries or grass, the way subsistence cultures do.”

The fatally-flawed volcano.

Adam is close to tears as Wilson picks up the plastic triceratops to examine it.  “Polyvinyl chloride,” he sniffs.  “Do you know how hard this stuff is to recycle?” he asks with a withering tone as he totals up the score–19 out of a possible 50.

“Do you know how hard I–I mean he–worked on that stupid volcano?”

Adam’s mother, Cheryl, can stand it no longer, and rises from her folding chair to confront the scientist.  “How dare you give my son such a low score for a project that I–I mean he–worked so hard on!” she screams at Wilson, who is taken aback by the force of the woman’s anger.  “You’ve ruined his dream!”

“Ma’am,” Wilson begins evenly, “not every child is cut out to be a top-notch, environmentally-sensitive scientist.  For those who aren’t, there are plenty of jobs mixing paint in hardware stores.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

Metaphor Mixers Seek Cure, Compassion and a Chance

BOSTON.  Tom Salerno has been a Boston Bruins fan since he was a little boy, which means he’s hated the Montreal Canadians for over three decades.  “They’re the ones who always stand between us and the Stanley Cup,” he says with disgust, and indeed, “les Habs”, as their fans refer to them, once again lead Boston, three games to one, with a chance to clinch a first-round playoff series tonight.

As Tom sputters on about lucky bounces and bad calls by referees over the years, his face takes on a vacant look and he launches into stream of consciousness tirade that calls to mind glossolalia, the phenomenon known as “speaking in tongues.”  “Our backs are on the ropes up against the corner of today’s wall because there’s no tomorrow,” he says, then bursts into tears as he realizes he has once again lapsed into metaphor-mixing, a neurological ailment that causes a speaker to confuse and conflate multiple and conflicting figures of speech.

“You can’t fish or cut bait between a rock and a hard place, now can you?”

“Metaphor-mixers live lives filled with shame and self-hate,” says Dr. Joan Storrs of the Center for the Study of Figurative Language Disabilities in nearby Cambridge, Mass.  “People giggle behind their hands at mixed metaphors, and if a smart-aleck New Yorker writer happens to hear what you say, it ends up in one of those little ‘Block That Metaphor’ squibs.”

“If you’re the sun, I should probably put on some SPF 50 lotion.”

A metaphor is a figure of speech in which one thing, for example Shakespeare’s Juliet, is equated with another, the sun, suggesting aspects of resemblance between the two, such as the fact that Romeo’s world revolves around both objects.  A metaphor differs from a simile, which is like a comparative figure of speech that like uses “like” or “as” and is like commonly employed by poets and like inarticulate teenagers.

“Now Timmy, I don’t think you meant to say ’split the baby and throw it out with the bathwater’.”

Metaphor-mixing can be corrected if caught early enough, say speech pathologists, but school administrators say they have no room in their budgets for figurative speech impediment therapy.  “We need more federal government funding to solve this problem,” says Earl Byrum, assistant principal at Everett Dirksen High School in Centralia, Illinois.  “Otherwise we’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic and we’re going to hit the tip of the iceberg.”

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman