PBS Prepares for GOP Rule With Social Darwinist Makeover

WASHINGTON, D.C.   As new polls revealed that Vice President Joe Biden’s aggressive debate tactics last week had turned off many independent voters, executives of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting huddled last night with their counterparts at the Children’s Television Workshop to face the grim possibility that the White House and at least one house of Congress will be in Republican hands next year.

“Appropriations bills originate in the House,” said PBS spokesman Dwight Northgage as he read from a plastic-coated chart titled “How Does a Bill Become a Law?” used in 8th grade civics classes.  “We know which side our bread’s buttered on.”

The makeover of PBS will begin with its signature children’s programs, including Sesame Street and Barney the Purple Dinosaur.


“I love me–you should depend on private charity!”

 

“For too long, Barney’s been sending the message that people can be saved by love from a big fat monster, like the federal government,” notes branding expert Randy DeLomasi.  “There is no such thing as a free hug.”


“Seriously–we already have enough friends.”

 

A new aura of social hauteur will be injected into skits featuring Bert and Ernie, who have been rumored to be gay but are in fact fuzzy puppets with human hands up their butts.  “We’re going to move them into a gated community,” says DeLomasi.  “They’re international celebrities fer Christ sake, you can’t expect them to cozy up to the unwashed masses of kids with snotty noses.”


Wild Kingdom’s Marlin Perkins:  “I’m going to sic these bad boys on The Eagles during Pledge Week!”

 

Wild Kingdom, a staple of PBS broadcasts during its early years, will be revived as an exemplar of the “survival of the fittest” philosophy often referred to as “Social Darwinism.”  “If you’ve ever sat through ‘The Eagles: Unplugged’ during pledge week,” says TV critic Todd Pettit of the Cahokia, Illinois, Intelligencer, “you realize that some species of birds are better off extinct.”

Jack Kerouac: Republican Party Animal

Despite the ‘beatnik’ stereotype, Kerouac was a political conservative.  He supported the Vietnam War and became friendly with William F. Buckley.

                                              Levi Asher, beatmuseum.org

It’s Republican Party caucus night across Massachusetts and  I’m picking up Jack Kerouac for a talk on “Supply Side Themes in the Poetry of Gregory Corso.”

I pull up to his home in Lowell and ring the doorbell.  His mother comes out and says  “He’s in his room.  Ti Jean!” she yells, a boyhood term of endearment.

“We won’t be late ma,” Jack says as he emerges.


Corso:  “Jack really knowns his fiscal stuff!”

 

“You better not be drunk when you come home,” she says, trying to impose some discipline on her boy.

“I’m drunk now, so that would be an improvement,” he cracks; his mother doesn’t find this funny.

“Make sure he eats,” she says to me.  “Otherwise the tokay“–the cheap wine he favors–”goes straight to his head.”

“I will.”

Jack is in the car trying to find some jazz on the radio.

“There’s nothing on the air these days,” he says, but I point out something new.

“You can play records in your car now–these little thingies.” I put some Charlie Parker in the CD player.

“Blow, man, blow!” Jack says as Bird launches into “Ornithology.”  “Where we going again?”

“MetroWest Republican Caucus.”

“Where’s ‘MetroWest’?”

“We can’t get enough people for a quorum in just one town, so three committees merged.”

“I miss Bill Buckley!” he says in disgust as he looks out his window.

“I never really warmed up to him.”

“He was ARTICULATE!” Jack shouts with a wild look in his eye.  He stares out the window and says quietly “I feel so old.”

“You won’t tonight,” I say.  “Every time I walk into one of these soirees I lower the average age two decades.”


Buckley and Kerouac

 

We turn off 128 to Route 30.  The houses are few and the streets are dark.

“Nice neighborhood,” Jack says.  “You know what I hate?  The hippies who camp out on my lawn.”

“The price of fame.”

“It’s not fair to mom.  She never wrote any wild and crazy novels.”

We park the car and enter an old Yankee home with a roaring fire inside.  Thankfully the house has a fireplace, otherwise things could get dicey.


“We’ve got some nice elephant-accented clothing and accessories!”

 

“Hello Polly,” I say, greeting an older woman who has–as usual–messed up the rouge on her cheeks; maybe “testing” the martinis before guests arrived.

“Hello!” our hostess says.  “Is this our distinguished speaker?” she asks; I’m guessing she missed the Beat Generation the first time around.

I introduce Jack and he diplomatically admires the furnishings; ”Great Eisenhower commemorative plate!” he gushes when he gets close to the mantel.  “I’ve got the Hoover and the Coolidge.”

“We should get started,” Polly says.  “This crowd goes to bed right after Wheel of Fortune.”

She taps her glass and introduces Jack from a cheat sheet I give her.  “He wrote ‘On the Road’ and he’s the foremost writer of the ‘beats’ to embrace conservatism.  Let’s give a warm welcome to Jack Kerouac!”

The crowd applauds and Jack blushes.

“Thanks, Polly” Jack says, and suddenly he’s the shy football scholarship boy of seventy years ago.

“The press portray conservatives as cold and cruel,” he begins, “but nothing could be further from the truth.”  He clears his throat.  “No way, baby,” and I detect an antic note in his voice.

“We are the mad ones, the crazy ones.  We’re the ones who know that extending unemployment benefits kills people’s incentive to work!’”

“Yeah, man!” a guy in a bow tie shouts.

“The business of the federal government is NATIONAL DEFENSE!  Not a bunch of do-gooder stuff!”

“Go, man, go!” someone shouts–Jack is riffing like a bebopper at a jam session.  Someone begins to play bongo drums, and a woman writhes seductively to the rhythm.

I go out to the kitchen and Polly pinches me in the arm.  “He’s great!” she says.


“Want to come up to my place and see my Henry Cabot Lodge button collection?”

 

The man in the bow tie comes in.  “Do you have a tape recorder?” he says breathlessly.  “We’ve got to preserve this for posterity!”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Polly says reassuringly.  “Seventy years from now, who would ever think for a minute that Jack Kerouac was a liberal?”

Tagging Gerald Ford

A graffiti artist has been painting images of Gerald Ford along Interstate 196, a highway named after him in his hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

                                                               Associated Press

I propped myself up on one elbow to see if my wife was asleep and, hearing her gentle snore, I slid out of bed, slipped into my Dockers Signature Classic-Fit khakis (pleated-front), pulled a Tommy Hilfiger black t-shirt over my head and, carrying my Fred Perry Vintage Plimsole White/Cloud Grey Tennis Shoes, eased my way out of the bedroom for a night of Republican Party tagging–that’s illegal graffiti vandalism for all you spray paint neophytes.

 Dockers® Signature Classic-Fit Pants
          Neat!

I’d been doodling in the back pages of my Brooks Brothers Appointment Book all week at work, trying out a few new designs.  I was working on “Put Ron on the Rock!”–a screaming red, white and blue manifesto that featured The Great Communicator added to the four presidents (Republicans already have the most with two!) on Mt. Rushmore, but it was complicated and I didn’t want to risk arrest by taking on a tag that would take too long.  I would want to get Reagan’s Wildroot Cream-Oiled hair just right.  That’s the artist in me–I’m a perfectionist!

I’d thought about doing something with a “Keep Cool With Coolidge” theme, especially since “Silent Cal” was so . . . pithy.  “Da Biz of Da US is Biz”–I could get that up quickly, but would people miss the allusion to the last President who balanced the budget?  You can never be too sure–some people I meet still think Nixon was guilty!

I like Mitt Romney, don’t get me wrong, but saving an Olympics isn’t exactly the D-Day Invasion.  Among GOP “taggers,” Romney has zero street cred–when he wins his second term, then we’ll talk, even though he apparently has a son named “Tagg.”  I was thinking of “If Ike Were Alive, Iran Would be the 51st State,” but I hesitated.  Would Mamie find that boastful?

I tiptoe down to the basement to pick up my “cannons”–my spray paint.  The guy at the town hardware store gave me a suspicious look last Saturday when I bought 54 cans.  “You’d save money buying by the gallon,” he said.  “Money’s no object, my good man!” I said in my best cheerful suburban country squire hale-fellow-well-met fraternity rush chairman voice.


Young Republican taggers.

“But why all the different colors?” he asked.  “You can’t mix spray paint, and if you have a large surface to cover . . .”

Bomb,” I inadvertently corrected him–that’s how “down” I am with “tagger” lingo! 

“Huh?”

“Insect bomb,” I said, wriggling out of a tight spot.  “I just remembered I need to get an insect bomb, too.  Damned cats have fleas!”

“Okay, sure,” he said as he led me over to the pet section.  That was close.

Anyway, he forgot my little slip, and I stashed my ill-gotten goods down in the basement while my wife was at Pilates, the 21st century woman’s bowling night.  I sneaked (snuck?) the cans out the bulkhead, slipped them into my Lexus and headed out to the “Gerry” or “Ford Corridor,” two of the monickers me and my GOP tagging friends have thrown up on I-196, which is what the non-graffiti community calls it.


“I can’t believe you’re going to smoke that thing.”

I’ve decided to work with a Ford theme because he’s unique among all Presidents, not just Republicans.  He’s the only one who was never elected either President or Vice President!  Think of that–a bloodless, colorless coup by the only man to occupy the Oval Office who was both a male model and a football coach!  Beauty and the Beast–in one pair of pants!

I pull into the breakdown lane and check out a few “heavens”–places so high up and out of reach that no one will ever take my “tag” down once I “get up.”  I put on my emergency flasher and flip through my black book, trying to decide which of Ford’s many felicitous phrases to put into my piece.

Let’s see–there’s “Whip Inflation Now.”  Nah, the Fed says inflation’s under control.  How about–”I am a Ford–not a Lincoln.”  Or an anti-bailout motif–”Ford to GM: Drop Dead!”  Nope, probably want to stay away from auto industry tags–that’s Obama’s game.

What else we got, I say to myself.  “I watch a lot of baseball on the radio“–hmm, that’s a possibility.

Wait–I’ve got it!  A gigantic “piece” celebrating a Mitt win in November, with Ford looming ominously in the background saying–

“Our long national nightmare is over.”

In Bid to Stop Gingrich Surge, Romney Buys Iowa, New Hampshire

CONCORD, New Hampshire. In a desperate move to stop the momentum of former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, a leveraged buy-out king who is worth billions, today quietly acquired the states of Iowa and New Hampshire, two important battle grounds in the race for the Republican presidential nomination.


“Okay, I’ll give you $10,000,000 for the two of them, but that’s my final offer!”

“Is this your free act and deed?” asked Rockingham County Clerk Dorothy McMenamin, who is also a notary public, as Romney stood by, smiling proudly.

“It is,” said New Hampshire State Treasurer and Receiver General Asa Hudgkins III, and McMenamin “attested” to his signature on the deed that transferred ownership of the Granite State to Romney, a former Governor of neighboring Massachusetts who is often derided as a man who looks like the picture that comes in a newly-purchased picture frame.


“I’d like the Mitt Romney model, please.”

With the recording of that deed and another signed in Iowa later in the day, Romney took ownership of the first two states in which Republican voters can express a preference among the candidates in the field that originally included 203 candidates, but which has been whittled down to single digits. “No free pancakes unless you vote for me,” Romney said to puzzled patrons inside Dot’s Coffee Pot diner in Plaistow, where Romney has been picking up the tab since he emerged from adolescence and first formulated his plan to someday live in the White House. “What’s the next one guys?” Romney said to a staffer at his side. “Marvin Gardens or Park Place?”


“I bought your father pancakes, and your father’s father, and your father’s father’s . . .”

The Mormon Church offered an attractive financing package on Utah, with no interest payments until January of 2013 and the entire balance to be forgiven if he is elected president and declares the United States a theocracy governed by church elders, but Romney declined. “The other Mormon can have it,” the debonair executive said, referring to former U.S. Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman, who has struggled to gain traction in the primaries after making a foolhardy appeals to reason.


Huntsman: “I lost my head and tried to be rational, and I apologize.”

Romney has been criticized as a stiff presence on the campaign trail who has trouble breaking out of the corporate world he is most comfortable in. When asked by 9 year-old Cindy Strandberg of Monadnock if he would name her cat Lulu Belle to be Secretary of Pets, Romney replied that he would “talk to the best minds in my cabinet, consult with members of Congress and run it by White House counsel before deciding on such a momentous appointment.”


“The other thing about Lulu Belle is that she always goes in her kitty box!”

Gingrich has surged to the front ranks after other GOP candidates have stumbled, but he does not have the personal financial resources to counter Romney’s bold gambit. “There’s no way I can compete against him in Michigan,” Gingrich noted. “His dad gave him that one.”

 

GOP Raw!

The female mayor of Lynn, Mass., the only Republican office-holder in the heavily-Democratic city, participated in a professional wrestling match to raise funds for charity.

                                                                 The Boston Herald

 
“I got your immigration reform right here, pal!”

I tell ya, it ain’t easy  bein’ a professional wrestler these days what with the Mormon Tag Team, the Black Pizza King, the Slimy Newt, the Mad Libertarian and the Minnesota Wing-Nut all tryin’ to get a piece of the action.  It makes me yearn for the days when just me, Andre the Giant, Gorgeous George and Rufus R. “Freight Train” Jones had it all to ourselves.


Rufus R. “Freight Train” Jones: “I wrestle because it puts the pork chop on the table.”

I mean, it used to be that the GOP picked their Presidential candidate by just looking around a smoke-filled room and picking the oldest white man standing–how else do you explain Bob Dole?  Now, the guys and gal are going after each other with headlocks and Human Vise Grips and Atomic Elbow Drops and accusations of bein’ soft on individual mandates ’n such.  I tell ya, it’s brutal to watch!

 
Andre the Giant

But it’s just entertainment!  Nobody takes it seriously, except the die-hard fans who show up for the primaries.  Everybody knows politics is faker than pro wrestling–so don’t confuse the two!

I gotta hand it to the Mayor of Lynn, Mass., immortalized forever by the cheeky couplet “Lynn, Lynn, City of Sin–you never come out the way you went in.”  For too long, people have had to put up with one party having a strangle-hold on public office and corruption there.  It’s time we spread the wealth around, as our President likes to say.  Let the Republicans slurp awhile at the public trough, instead of bein’ coldly and cruelly shut out to the darkness of the private sector, where they gotta make do being robber barons and small businessmen and other menial high-payin’ jobs.


Gorgeous George

I think of Gorgeous George as the original Log Cabin Republican–a guy who played against the he-man, strong-on-defense type to make pro wrestling more sensitive, more inclusive, more diverse!  Cheez, could the GOP use somebody like him in the ring right about now.

But no, all we got for sensitive guys is Jon Huntsman–a Democrat’s favorite Republican!  The glamour boy of the liberal editorial writers.  He couldn’t wrestle his way out of a New Hampshire primary.

A lot of guys would like to get in the ring and muss up Mitt Romney’s hair, but not me, no way.  It looks like it’s got some kinda Gulf oil spill goin’ on up there–I ain’t riskin’ it.

So where does that leave a socially moderate/fiscally conservative grappler such as me?

I guess I just gotta wait and see who wins the Battle Royale.

Perry: Romney Uses Foreign Oil on His Hair

WASHINGTON.  The sniping between potential Republican presidential candidates escalated yesterday with Texas Governor Rick Perry saying that former Mitt Romney’s hair style would increase America’s dependence on foreign oil, and Romney countering that “I could buy Texas and give Perry San Antonio back in change.”


Romney:  “I do not use foreign oil on my hair.  It’s blubber from gay baby whales.”

Romney was the front-runner for his party’s nomination until Perry entered the race last week and immediately vaulted ahead of the former Massachusetts governor, a businessman whose net worth exceeds the gross national product of Upper Volta.  “Competition is good for the party,” said Republican Party Chairman Reince Preibus, whose name was formed from a particularly bad hand of Scrabble tiles.  “It is a measure of our diversity that the candidate who’s considered the ‘safe’ choice is the guy who wears weird underwear.”


Mormon underwear:  “Dusty Rose” color available in women’s sizes only.

If elected, Romney would be the first president since Richard Nixon to use hair cream.  “After Nixon resigned slicked-back hair became associated with a certain slippery quality among voters,” noted David Sargent, a professor of political science at Quinnipiac College.  “The Mormons had stockpiled enough Wildroot Cream-Oil in the hills of Utah to last two centuries in case the Anti-Christ had blow-dried hair–like Perry.”


Perry: Uses only wind power to groom hair.

Perry is a former “yell leader” at Texas A&M University, a background that places him squarely within the Republican Party tradition of former cheerleader politicians such as Mississippi Senator Trent Lott and President George W. Bush.  “Cheerleaders stand on the sideline and urge the proles on the sports teams on to glory, a metaphor for politicans who back military conflict but avoid service,” says Dr. Roger Clarke, a professor of political science at Randolph-Macon College.  “When the jocks get hurt the cheerleaders swoop in and score all the chicks.”


“The quarterback’s hurt.  Guess I’ll have to dance with a male cheerleader.”

During his unsuccessful run for the U.S. Senate in 1994 Romney was portrayed as a heartless capitalist by incumbent Senator Ted Kennedy.  “That’s unfair,” Romney said during a televised debate.  “Whenever we announce a massive layoff on Friday, we take time to reflect and cancel the Saturday baby seal hunt.”

Buoyed by Polls, Generic Republican Candidate to Run for President

SPRINGFIELD, Mo.  Encouraged by a new Gallup poll in which voters preferred a generic Republican candidate to President Obama by five percentage points, generic politician Jim Smith today threw his hat in the ring and said he would join a crowded field of prescription Republicans in the race for his party’s nomination.


“Run, Jim, run!”

“I have none of the proprietary side effects of a Mitt Romney, who belongs to a wacko cult, and I achieve a median grade in American History, which Michelle Bachman is always flubbing,” Smith said to an average-sized crowd of lukewarm supporters.  “I also don’t have a weird, hard-to-remember name like Tim Pawlenty.”

Smith is a resident of Missouri, which includes the geographical and population centers of the United States.  He is married with 2.3 children, Chip, Susie and Gr.eg, and has a dog and a cat.  He lives on 123 Elm Street in Springfield, the most popular name for a municipality in America.


In a relaxed moment.

“He’s the complete package,” says pollster Todd DeMaleo of Decision Pollsters & Strategy.  “I’m afraid if I ask he’ll tell me he was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.”

Smith is a member of the Jim Smith Society, a +1,000 member organization whose only condition of membership is that applicants be named “Jim Smith.”  “We were formed to fight discrimination against people named ‘Jim Smith,’ who face disbelief when they try to check into a motel using their real name,” said Vice President Jim Smith, standing in for President Jim Smith, who was indisposed.

 
Possible running mate?

The current field of Republican candidates has been criticized for blandness since former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee decided to drop out of the race.  “Say what you will about a former bass player who pardoned a member of the Rolling Stones and cooks squirrels in a popcorn popper,” said DeMaleo.  “He did add that certain frisson of excitement to your average candidate meet-and-greet–at least among Republicans.”


Priebus:  *sniff* Do I smell popcorn?

GOP Chairman Reince “Yes That Really is My Name” Priebus said he welcomed Smith’s candidacy.  “I like his style.  He looked me straight in the eye and said ’My bar code is my bond, go ahead and do a price check on me.’”

The Republican Party traditionally chooses its candidate by a series of state primary elections, which are decided in favor of the oldest white guy on the ballot.  Former pizza magnate Herman Cain, an African-American, has upset that calculus this election cycle, opening up running room for bland outsiders like Smith.  “What you see with me is what you get,” Smith told an Associated Press stringer assigned to follow his campaign.  “Old people and young families love generics–and they vote.”

GOP Scrambles to Replace Delay on Dancing With the Stars

WASHINGTON.  Faced with the prospect that Democratic dancers will hold a filibuster-proof majority on the popular TV show “Dancing With the Stars”, Republican lawmakers convened late into the night to find a replacement for former House majority leader Tom Delay, who withdrew from the show after developing stress fractures in both feet.

“Patriotism is the last refuge of the samba.”

“One-party government isn’t good in any competition,” said Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina, “not even ballroom dancing.”

DeMint:  “In the cha-cha-cha, the dancers separate, then they come back together.”

“Dancing With the Stars” is an internationally-syndicated “reality” television show in which celebrities are paired with professional ballroom dancers to compete against each other in the performance of ten dance segments, leading some philosophers to question the nature of reality.  “If doing the paso robles with Apolo Anton Ohno is reality, I’d like to know what you consider to be unreal,” said Stanley Hyman, Durward Kirby Professor of Ontology at the University of Maine-Orono.

Separated at birth: McConnell and Dennis the Menace’s father.

Possible replacements for Delay include Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, a two-time winner of the Dennis-the-Menace’s-Father Look-Alike competition; Arizona Senator John McCain, who received the 1914 Nobel Prize for Dance along with Thomas Edison for the invention of the foxtrot; and former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who can lip-synch the lyrics from Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” album from memory.

Ohno:  “Oh yes!”

DeLay’s next dance was to have been the Texas two-step, and the show’s producers indicated that the former lawmaker nicknamed “The Hammer” would be invited back to perform it on the show’s finale.  “He’s certainly welcome if he’s healthy,” said Assistant Producer Kyle D’Elfina.  “Although I gather from information on the moveon.org web site that Republicans euthanize injured humans and abandon the elderly on remote mountains.”

As Sotomayor Stumbles, GOP Questions “Wise Latina” Status

WASHINGTON.  Under tough questioning by Republican Senators, federal judge Sonia Sotomayor stumbled over several key questions today, leading opponents of her nomination to the Supreme Court to question whether she is in fact the “wise Latina” referred to in an oft-cited 2001 speech.

“Jose Matta?  Ricky Bones?”

“Who is the only Puerto Rican pitcher to win 20 games,” Senator John Cornyn of Texas asked Sotomayor in one heated exchange.

“I’m going to go with Javier Vazquez,” the Harvard Law School graduate said to an audible gasp from the gallery.

“That would be Ed Figueroa, 20 wins, 9 losses, 1978,” Cornyn said, as he yielded the balance of his time to Senator Mitch McConnell.

McConnell:  “I’m only looking for two albums–that shouldn’t be so hard.”

McConnell, a mambo and cha-cha-cha aficionado, challenged Sotomayor to name two albums by Tito Puente, the Puerto Rican-born “King of Latin Music”.

Sotomayor appeared flustered.  “Uh–Santana and Caravanserai?” she asked with hesitation.

Tito Puente

“Carlos Santana is Mexican–not Puerto Rican,” McConnell said with a visible sneer.  “Here’s a couple for you: Mambo, Mambo–Hot Timbales!–Mambo King Meets Queen of Salsa–shall I go on?”

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) asked McConnell to stop badgering Sotomayor, and the Kentucky Senator yielded to Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander, a less confrontational questioner.

“Stare decisis . . . stare decisis . . . I can’t get it out of my head!”

“Judge Sotomayor,” Alexander began in an unctuous tone that restored a sense of decorum to the Senate hearing room.  “I’m sure you’ll agree that West Side Story is one of the greatest works of the American musical theatre.”

“I would, Senator, even though Leonard Bernstein probably learned Latin culture from his cleaning woman.”

“Fair enough.  My question–which of that Broadway show’s two gangs–the Jets or the Sharks–is Puerto Rican?”

Sotomayor conferred with her counsel before answering in a halting tone–”The Jets?”

Leahy:  “Give her another chance, okay?”

At that point Leahy, who is Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, conceded defeat.  “You don’t get a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court,” he said soothingly to the nominee, “but we have the home game version of Senate Confirmation! as a consolation prize.”

GOP Moves to Oust Sanford for Schmoopsie-Woopsie Emails

WASHINGTON, D.C.  The Republican National Governors Association is expected to call for the resignation of embattled South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford this week, saying the tone of his emails to an alleged lover crossed the line of acceptable behavior into “mushy, gushy, schmoopsie-woopsie talk” that is forbidden to GOP elected officials.

Sanford:  “She’s my pwecious widdle punkin’, and I wuv her vewwy much.”

“If you’re going to have a mistress, for God’s sake don’t tell her you love her,” said Royal Beale, Jr., former governor of a rectangular state in either the mountain or central time zones.  “Tell her you’ll pay for her apartment and buy her a lot of nice jewelry, then let her gush at you.”

“I sent her an email with the salutation ‘My beloved’–and she replied with ‘Hi’.”

Sanford has admitted to an affair with a woman named “Maria” in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to whom he wrote in one email “I haven’t felt this since I was in my teen ages”.  Sanford then asked whether Buenos Aires was the capital of Argentina and what the country’s principal exports were, as he had a final exam in geography coming up.

Rockefeller:  “Personally, I’d like to go out with a bang.”

The most famous Republican governor to cheat on his wife was Nelson Rockefeller, who died in 1979 at the age of 70 while in the apartment of a 25-year-old aide.  “That was Rocky for you,” said former President Gerald Ford, under whom Rockefeller served as Vice President. ”He died doing what he loved best.”

Jenny Sanford:  “I’m going to redecorate the den and turn it into Mark’s bedroom.”

Sanford’s wife Jenny has said she is willing to forgive her husband even though he has referred to his Argentinian lover as his “soul mate”, but Republican Party leaders were not so forgiving.  “What in the hell is a 50-year-old white male Republican doing with a soul, anyway?” Beale asked, incredulous.  “He should have sold that a long time ago.”

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