Pencils in the Air for Your Jazz Mid-Term

It’s Friday–the day I’ve been dreading for two weeks since bombing a pop quiz in Jazz 101 at Carl Yastrzemski State College. I got a D+ for mixing up Fats Navarro with Fats Waller and spacing out on “Where or When: Compare and contrast.” That means I’ve got to get at least an A- on the mid-term if I’m going to maintain the B average dad says I need if he’s going to keep me on “the gravy train.” “College bred means a four-year loaf,” he says with that sarcastic laugh of his. He’s always talking about food for some reason.


“If you knew how I loved you . . .”

 

The proctor goes up and down handing out the exam books, and I’m sweating bullets. Stay cool, I tell myself, like–I dunno–the Miles Davis Nonet? Hope that’s on the exam.

I pop the seal and open it up. Keep breathing, I tell myself, and don’t get hung up on questions you don’t understand. Do the easy ones first, just like on the SAT. I scan down the page, hoping to find some handhold that will get me started up the sheer rock face of my ignorance of America’s classical music.

Bingo–the first question is “How Long Has This Been Going On?” I know I know I know I say to myself, barely able to control my pencil as it races across the page. “There were chills . . . down my spine, and some thrills I can’t define,” I write. If you can’t answer the question completely, you’re allowed to say how you would research it using sources not available within the classroom.


Ethel Waters

 

Question #2: Why is there no sun up in the sky? Hmm—I seem to recall a jazz flash card about that age-old riddle. Wait–I know–Stormy Weather! That’s why there’s no sun up in the friggin’ sky! I scribble it down quickly–I may have a shot at an A!


R. Crumb jazz cards

 

Uh-oh–an essay question. “Do You Know What it Means to Miss New Orleans?” Shit. I’ve never been there. I tap my pencil against my head–ouch! I hit a sebaceous cyst I need to have removed, but the shock sets my synapses crackling. “Moonlight on the bayou–Creole tunes fill the air. I dream . . . of magnolias in June. Soon I’m wishin’ you were the-e-ere.” Not too original, but I do have the entire hockey team in my class–they should hold down the curve.

What’s next. “Have You Met Miss Jones?” Sure I have, uh, lots of them. Let’s see, what was it like? “And all at once I lost my breath–and all at once was scared to death–and all at once I own the earth and sky.” That oughta do it. Okay–one last question. “Lover man, oh where can you be?”


Billie Holiday

 

What kinda power trip is this professor on? I’m a guy. I shouldn’t have to answer a woman’s question! I gaze around the room, trying to find some inspiration. I see Valerie Dickman, the brunette who sits in the front row crossing her legs to improve her score in the class participation component of the final grade. She’s mouthing something to me. There . . . is . . . no . . . answer. It’s a trick question!

So the prof wants us to think outside the Big Joe Turner 5-CD boxed set! Okay–I’ll give it to him, and give it to him good. “I’ve heard it said,” I begin, “that the thrill of romance . . . can be like a heavenly dream. I go to bed with a prayer that you’ll make love to me . . . strange as it seems.” Voila. You want creative gender-blender thinking, you got it.

But I am not doing an oral report for extra credit.

At the Farrah Fawcett Wing of the Smithsonian

     Farrah Fawcett’s red bathing suit and a poster bearing her image have been donated to the Smithsonian.
                The Boston Herald

As I herded my class of seventh-grade boys from Ryan O’Neal Consolidated Middle School up the steps of the Smithsonian Institution, I had to catch myself more than once, the wave of emotions that swept over me was so strong.

“This isn’t like the Lincoln Memorial,” I had said to the kids the day before. “That’s just a boring statue of a guy sitting in a chair who made a lot of people mad by giving away free slaves, then got shot at a theatre. Tomorrow’s trip will be about the woman who launched America into the Curling Iron Age, with side bangs that flipped up higher than any manned space craft the Russians ever launched.”


With sufficient Dippity-Do, no helmet is required.

My little guys had soaked it all in; they’re good kids, just–so ignorant of American history! It makes me wonder what the hell their sixth-grade history teacher, Rose Alba Quince, taught them last year. Goldie Hawn? Connie Stevens as Cricket Blake in Hawaiian Eye? I tell you, it’s the decline of standards in American education that has allowed back-lot nations like Japan and Singapore to vault past us in mastery of TV starlets.


Connie Stevens: Go, girl, go!

No, I wanted my kids to understand where the hair styles of the girls they’d be dancing with at this Friday’s sock-hop came from. How America had progressed from the uptight tresses of Hesther Prynne, to the demure bun of Emily Dickinson, to the pageboy, to the bee-hive, then ultimately the heavenly tresses of Farrah, like the wings of a cherubim, in Charlie’s Angels. Don’t tell me you can’t make history exciting!


Emily Dickinson: Bo-ring.

I was already planning the study materials and exam I would give them the day after to gauge their mastery of what they would see. Sample question: In the famous poster of Farrah that sold over 12 million copies, which nipple is standing at attention through her bathing suit: (a) left, (b) right, (c) other, (d) none of the above. I know, I know–people say that “high-stakes” exams force teachers to “teach to the test,” but dammit–this stuff is important!


Kate Jackson: Compare and contrast–show your work.

I hope some of my students will go on to advanced studies in Charlie’s Angelsology, maybe write a master’s thesis like “Kate Jackson: Third Wheel or Brunette Glue That Held the Angels Together?” Or how about “Jaclyn Smith: What Happened to the Other Letters in Her First Name?” These are important questions, people!


Jaclyn Smith

What’s that, Timmy? Who are Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith? Oh-my-God! Do you mean to tell me that you think Charlie’s Angels was just a movie with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu? Good Lord–it is just so sad to me when kids grow up ignorant of the past, not knowing our nation’s treasured heritage.

Did you know that Farrah styled her own hair for her iconic 1976 poster? That she applied her makeup without using a mirror? Or that her blonde highlights were further heightened by a squeeze of lemon juice? No? These are the sacrifices our forestarlets made for us!

I can’t believe it–it just breaks my heart.

Let’s go–everybody into the museum–now! And I want you to march straight to the Smithsonian Gift Shop. I may have to reach down deep into my own pocket–that’s what budget cuts mean for underpaid teachers like me–but I’m going to make sure each and every one of you leaves here today with a poster of your own!

U of Chicago Dream Team Helps Zimbabwe Fight Inflation

HARARE, Zimbabwe. Inflation has ravaged this landlocked country in southeastern Africa for decades, but recent events have surprised even hardened observers such as Zkanu Nkomo (pronounced “Jim Smith”). “I asked the man at the store how much he charged for a cup of mukaka wakakora (curdled milk),” Nkomo explains. “He said 120,000,000 Zimbabwean dollars, but by the time I got my wallet out, the price had gone up another 30 million.”


“With our ragged faculty clothing, we should fit right in.”

The rate of inflation recently hit its highest level ever, 7,000 percent per year, causing international bodies to seek help from leading academics around the world to stabilize the situation before the country descended into chaos. A group of inflation fighters from the economics department at the University of Chicago has stepped into the breach, offering hope that the country may be able to reverse its current course with an infusion of market discipline.


“Excuse me, do you have change for a $100,000,000 bill?”

“We were hoping for Bono,” says Nkende Masvingo, referring to the rock singer who has made sub-Saharan poverty his personal crusade, “but they sent us Gary Becker because U2 was on tour.”


Becker: “Bono sends his regards.”

Becker, the winner of the 1992 Nobel Prize in Economics, will lead a “dream team” including Steven Levitt, co-author of the best-selling pop economics book “Freakonomics,” that will set up camp in this city, the nation’s capital. “First, we need to understand the situation,” said Becker. “Then, we’ll bloviate on what people should do about it.”


“Freakonomics” author Steven Levitt: “Did you know that higher marginal tax rates cause weight loss in sumo wrestlers on crack?”

Translating the highly analytical language of economics into terms that everyday consumers and business people can understand won’t be easy. “These economists do not know how to talk normally,” says Mberte Oswingo, a cab driver. “They also dress funny.”


Milton Friedman: “A million dollars for Cap’n Crunch? There’s no such thing as a free breakfast!”

So local tsava musicians, who perform in a gently swaying style popular among native Zimbabweans, are working with Becker’s team to come up with songs that will convey an inflation-fighting message in a rhythmic wrapper.

As the two contrasting groups meet in their first jam session, Oliver Mtaweira, the senior statesman of tsava, asks Becker to give him a few basic themes to work with. “Well,” Becker begins, “Our Godfather, Milton Friedman, said that inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon.”

“This is quite lyrical,” Mtaweira says, as he strums a few chords on his guitar and begins to sing. “Baba munini francis, wenhamo haaneti,” he croons, “Hatisitoses tvimbodzemoto,” and Levitt asks a translator what the words mean. “Inflation she is your enemy, she’ll cause you to die. Tell your central banker to reduce the money supply.”


Three Celine Dions–no waiting.

“Very nice,” Becker says, nodding his head to the beat. The musicians work out the verses, a chorus, and a bridge from a Celine Dion song–”A New Day Has Come”–that the Chicagoans have brought with them as a gift. “Gary’s nuts about her,” says Phyllis Ostertag, an assistant professor. “Personally, I think she’s a dingbat, but he’s the big enchilada.”

After the group works out enough songs to make up a 45-minute set suitable for weddings and circumcision rituals, they relax and begin to swap stories and tales about their respective professions. Mtaweira, who like many Zimbabweans has a native suspicion of free-market economics, offers to tell a favorite joke about the visitors’ profession.

“Two economists have been lost in the Chimanimani Mountains for many days with nothing to eat, when they stumble upon a can of pork and beans,” he begins. “The one economist says to the other, ‘This is most fortunate, but how will we open it?’ The other economist thinks for a moment and says ‘Assume a can opener.’”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Chicago: Not Just for Toddlin’ Anymore.”

Yellen: Sports Tchotchkes Next Bubble to Burst

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen warned Congress yesterday that a speculative bubble in over-priced sports “tchotchkes” threatens the nation’s fragile recovery from the crash that followed a run-up in housing prices, and could hamper more tasteful decorating schemes of female consumers.

yellen
“It was this enormous tacky gew-gaw with a little statue of World Series MVP David Ortiz.”

 

“Price stability and decorating predictability are the hallmarks of guidance on fiscal and monetary parameters in periods of misallocation of resources to blah-blah-blah,” Yellen said in “Fedspeak,” the Esperanto of central bankers.  “Money spent on commemorative sports doo-dads represents expenditures more wisely used on window treatments, such as swags and jabots.”

otiz
Limited edition!

 

The all-male panel of the Senate Banking Committee responded negatively to Yellen’s dour assessment of the potential upside in sports collectibles, saying consumer spending by sports-obsessed males could jump start the economy.  “When you go to the ballpark everybody wants a souvenir,” said Edward Markey (D-MA).  “Cash you don’t spend in the gift shop is money that would just go to waste being saved in some boring bank, and that’s no fun.”

pillows
Pillows are like prunes: Is 6 enough?  12 too many?

Yellen cited a Keynesian “multiplier” effort to more tasteful decorating expenditures, saying the purchase of a burnt sienna throw pillow often resulted in supplementary purchases of similar goods in ecru, brick and seafoam.  “Basically, you buy one piece of commemorative Super Bowl crap you’ve shot your wad,” she noted drily.

senate
“Next thing you know she’ll be going after your Packers throwback helmet desk lamp!”

Republican members of the committee said their Democratic counterparts in the majority were only getting their comeuppance after they ignored the counsel of colleagues in the minority party.  “I told you there was a reason the name of the job was ‘Chairman’,” noted Mike Crapo (R-ID).  “Don’t cry to me when they come after your limited edition 2014 Ralph Lauren Ryder Cup Big Pony Hooded Windbreaker.”

Solve Your Plastic Food Container Problems the Internet Way

In 1969, the first message was successfully sent over the ARPANET, the predecessor to the internet. Four and a half decades later, the internet has developed into one of the greatest advances in human history, freeing up human capital wasted on actual labor and diverting it to fantasy football leagues and cat videos.

Before the internet came into our lives, U.S. husbands and wives would often quarrel, holding back American scientific progress that allowed the Russians to launch space satellites before us. Here is actual, post-dinner dialogue captured on a reel-to-reel tape recorder in 1954:

WIFE: Put away the Franco-American spaghetti leftovers, would you sweetie?

HUSBAND: Sure, hon. Let me just get a convenient plastic food storage container out of the pantry here.

WIFE: Don’t forget the lid!

HUSBAND: You and your joshing!

[SOUND OF CRASH]

HUSBAND: Dad blast it! Why are our food storage containers and lids always in such an uproar!

WIFE: I wish somebody would hurry up and invent the internet!


Utter chaos

The internet allows scientists and intellectuals to share news of developments without having to attend boring conferences with cash bars and listen to white papers with titles like Threat or Menace: Is America’s Love Affair With Plastic Food Storage Receptacles Endangering Our Standard of Living? With the internet at their fingertips, food storage scientists can now log onto http://www.wikihow.com/, search the index for “How to Organize Empty Food Storage Containers and Lids”, and enter a magical world where ideas are exchanged freely and openly, as if by telepathy, generating new and exciting concepts in food-storage-container-and-lid-technology twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.


Much better!

An eleven-member team of food storage receptacle scientists and engineers, generously donating their apparently ample time, has posted a ten-point food storage container organization protocol at this “wiki” website. “Wiki” refers to software that allows multiple users to collaboratively create, edit, link and organize content on a website. The term “wiki” is a reduplication of the Hawaiian word for “goof off.”

While users are cautioned that the protocol has not yet been peer-reviewed by independent specialists in the field, it appears to represent a breakthrough in container-organization comparable to the realization during the Italian Renaissance that it is easier to fit small containers inside large ones than vice versa, a discovery that helped bring the Dark Ages to an end.

That historical breakthrough forms part of the canon of modern plastic food container thought, and appears as principle no. 6 in the new world-wide web protocol on food storage container organization, as follows:

6. Nest and stack. For the containers, nest them in stacks that are as tall as your space. Start with the largest on the bottom and work upwards to the smallest.

Note the citation of an important ancillary principle of food storage container organization: stacks should only be as tall as the space you have to put them in. If you stack them any higher, you risk breaking through the ceiling into an upstairs bathroom!

I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of trenchant, insightful, hard-hitting plastic container news I’m looking for when I log on to the internet in the office every morning.

Right after I watch a few cat videos.

Mort Spiksa, “Poet of Terms and Conditions,” Dead at 78

FRAMINGHAM, Mass.  Morton “Mort” Spiksa, a lawyer who came to be known as the “Poet of Terms and Conditions,” died last night after a brief illness at Gino Cappelletti Memorial Hospital.  He was seventy-eight.

“Mort really had a way with words,” said Norton Oswald, a retired plant manager at the General Motors assembly plant here before it closed.  “Our vendors didn’t mind that we were the big guy who could crush them like a bug just to watch the juice ran out when they read his lyrical ‘T&C’s’.”

lawyer
Mort Spiksa, about to exclude the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose.

 

Spiksa had hoped to become a poet as an undergraduate but decided to study law after his father was diagnosed with terminal Osgood Schlatter’s Disease.  “He realized he’d have to take care of mom,” said his sister Evelyn Spiksa Ryan.  “I could barely support myself as a left-handed stenographer cruelly forced to work in a right-handed desk.”

In law school Spiksa was a slightly-above-average student who nonetheless demonstrated a perverse passion for commercial law, one of the less lucrative and more boring areas of the profession.  “It appealed to his poetic side,” said Professor Galston Willier.  “Nobody reads poetry, and nobody reads those terms and conditions in four-point type on commercial forms.”

desk
Awkward!

 

Spicksa became living proof of Clarence Darrow’s belief that “inside every lawyer is the wreck of a poet,” but he nonetheless struggled to forge an aesthetic identity apart from the mundane prose he wrote for purchase orders and invoices, such as his oft-repeated quatrain celebrating a number of common shipping terms that he surreptitiously slipped into a bill of lading:

F.O.B., C.I.F.,
Take away one and what is left?
C&F, F.A.S.,
One is more, the other less.

“There’s a simple sense of mystery to Mort’s verses, like William Blake’s,” says Newton Adair, III, Professor of Commercial Poetry at the University of Southern Iowa.  “He could take a homely warehouse receipt and turn it into a thing of beauty–in triplicate, with white, pink and canary-colored copies.

 

loading dock
“Behold the lonely loading dock, where we made off with Pots of Crock.”

His specialty was the so-called “Battle of the Forms,” when terms in documents presented by different parties conflicted and the parties’ agreement had to be determined by statutory rules of construction.  In a case involving the rejection of a defective shipment of flanges and hasps, Spiksa’s poetry reached perhaps the apogee of his style, at once perfervid and peremptory:

These flanges and hasps,
are so defective it’s barely
worth shipping them back.
They make me gasp,
I mean that squarely,
I’m giving the whole lot the sack.

He is survived by his wife Ethel; a son, Mort Jr. of Mundelein, Illinois; a daughter, Traci of Hamtramck, Michigan; and his pet fork lift, Chucho.  In lieu of flowers the family requests that donations be made to the Business Forms, Systems & Labels Hall of Fame.

Barbie at the Double Nickel

2014 is Barbie’s 55th anniversary–news item.

I looked out the window of my Dream House and allowed myself a teensy-tiny moment of reflection. How far I’d come in fifty-five years! It seemed like only yesterday I was born, fully-developed, in a secret test lab deep within the bowels of the Mattel Toy Company.

Here I am at 55–the “double nickel” in baby boomer parlance–and not a single stretch mark, even though I seem to have a daughter, Skipper, by Ken, my “on again-off again” boyfriend as my Press Site notes. On again-off again, my bony ass. He’s a shiftless, no-count loser. But I don’t like to dwell on the negative.

Some people criticize me for having a perfect, unattainable body that creates unrealistic expectations in young girls, causing them to turn up their noses at mom’s American Chop Suey and Stuffing Puppies. Well, which would you rather have–a durable, dishwasher-safe hard-plastic torso like mine, or a body that could be “attained” by every Buzz Lightyear and GI Joe on the shelf? To ask the question, as they say, is to answer it. Besides, American Chop Suey sucks.

I just wish I could spend more time with Skipper, but I seem to have shipped her off to boarding school, like some cruel parent in a W. Somerset Maugham novel.


Maugham: “May I have a turn with Barbie–please?”

 

You know, long before everyone got so “hip” to being “post-racial” and including black sidekicks in gangs of guys eating at Chili’s in TV commercials, I had an African-American friend–”Christie.” The Federal Trade Commission did an investigation after someone sent in an anonymous tip that no self-respecting black woman would ever allow herself to be called “Christie.” Because of Mattel quality control, we passed with flying persons of color!

But I’m not just racially tolerant, I’m omni-tolerant! I had a friend in a wheelchair–Becky–long before you did. I had another friend with a crippling beauty handicap–glasses! Don’t believe me? Again, it’s right there on the World Wide Web, writ large so those who surf may read.

Maybe I’ll have a big family reunion for my 55th. My brother Todd and my sisters Skipper, Tutti, Stacie, Kelly and Krissy. My “gal pals” Teresa, Kira, Kayla, Becky and Christie.  My BFF Midge and her husband Alan.  I wonder what ever happened to Alan? I don’t remember hearing about a divorce or a death or anything.  If anything ever happens between me and Ken, it’s on the front page of the National Enquirer before you can say “Holly Hobby.”

With Ken and me it’s always a “headline-generating breakup”–no thanks to the Mattel public relations department. What I wouldn’t give for Midge’s quiet life with Alan! I don’t want to end up alone in some Barbie Dream Nursing Home, with flabby bingo-arms, doddering around reliving my outfits of the past; Stewardess Barbie, Nurse Barbie, Executive Barbie, Rapper Barbie, Streetwalker Barbie.

No, all I want is . . . hey, that’s Midge down there now–with Ken! Why that f**king skank! Hey you! Yeah you, you red-headed bitch! Get your hands off my arm-candy! He may drive around all day in my dream car, and shack-up in my dream house, and never go out and get a job so he could have cool outfits like me–but he’s all I’ve got!

At the Vatican-UFO Summit

In a departure from its traditional position that the earth is the only inhabited planet, the Vatican has consulted experts on the possibility of extraterrestrial life.

The Boston Herald

 

Even though I’ve been instructed never to disturb the Pope when he’s watching “Star Trek” reruns, the alien in the reception area was getting impatient. I’d kept him at bay by giving him free espresso and biscotti, but after a while he ate a potted plant, then the receptionist. I had to do something.


“If we hit warp speed, we can still make the 11:30 Mass.”

 

“Excuse me–Your Holiness?” I said meekly after cracking the door to the papal den. “There’s someone here to see you.”

“Who is it?” the Pope asked, pausing only to mute the volume.

“The fellow from the THX 1138 spiral galaxy you invited in to discuss the possibility of extraterresterial life.”

“What’s his name?”


“Go in peace, and may Glzorp bless you.”

 

I handed the Pope a piece of paper on which the alien had scrawled his name.

“Glx13*//:37aH2″? the Pope asked haltingly.

“He puts the accent on the asterisk,” I said.

“Okay–show him in. I’ve got this episode on my 7-DVD boxed set.”

I went out to the reception area. “The Pope will see you now,” I said.

“About frzeleepkink time!” the alien replied. He’d been reading a copy of US Weekly that the receptionist . . . uh, left behind.


Lady Gaga: It could happen here.

 

“That Lady Gaga is one hot glizzkt34i, isn’t she?” he said.

“I suppose you could say that,” I said. I tried, as best I could, to maintain a proper professional reserve. We get a lot of kooks at the Vatican–people asking for miracle cures, autograph hounds, youth hockey coaches looking for relief from Pope John Paul II’s “Pray Don’t Play on Sunday” Encyclical a few years back.

“Your Holiness?” I asked tentatively, hoping he’d take my cue and relieve me of the pressure of pronouncing the alien’s name.

“Hi–Pope Francis I here,” the Pontiff said, trying to make the alien comfortable by using a numeral, even though as the first Francis he technically doesn’t have to.


“I just flew in from Alpha Centauri, and boy are my arms tired!”

 

“Pope, Glx13*//:37aH2 here–nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, Glx13*//:3 . . .”

“Please–call me ‘Glx’. Everybody else does.”

“Okay, Glx–sit down, sit down. Can I get you anything?”

“No, I’m all set. I had something called a ‘Courtney’ out there on the buffet.”


Alien receptionist: She has to leave early to meet friends at the T.G.I. Friday’s on Venus.

 

The Pope looked at me in horror. “Who’s covering for her?” he asked.

“I’ll take care of it,” I said.

“Because I need someone to validate Glx’s parking.”

“I know where she keeps the stamp.”

With that I excused myself from the two intergalactic leaders, but I left the door ajar in order to bear witness to their historic meeting.

“So, tell me a little about yourself, Glx,” the Pope said.


Giordano Bruno, early sci-fi fan

 

“Well, just as your Giordano Bruno predicted,” the alien began, “there are forms of life in the universe other than you self-centered, egotistical humans.”

The Pope got a far-away look in his eye. “My bad,” he said, “or rather our bad. Really too bad for Bruno, though.”

“Yeah. Being burned at the stake has got to be tough.”

“It’s not really a stake–it’s more like a Weber Grill.”

“So patented Weber technology means meats stay moist and juicy?”

“On the nosy,” the Pope said. The guy loved his grilled bratwurst. “So anyway, what is it with you space aliens?”

“What do you mean?” Glx asked. “And by the way,” he continued before the Pope had a chance to answer him, “we think you’re the aliens.”

“Everybody’s multi-culti these days,” the Pope said with a sigh. “What I mean is, you swoop down out of the skies, abduct productive, tithe-paying parishioners, and just drop them off when you’re done with them, their bodily orifices singed and their memories zapped so they have no recollection of where they’ve been.”

“We,” Glx began, then hesitated. “We find it hard to talk . . . to women.”

“Well, Christ almighty–I do too, but you don’t see me abducting them!”

“That’s because you prefer little . . .”

“Don’t go there!” the Pope said sharply, interrupting his visitor.

It was one of the Pontiff’s great skills, the ability to piss off people of different backgrounds, then act as if it was all a misunderstanding. “So tell me Glx,” he began again. “Why exactly should I believe in you?”


Holy water font

 

The alien looked him up and down. He didn’t have eyebrows, exactly, but he lifted the fleshy fold over his single visual aperture upwards in an expression of skepticism. “Right back at ya, Benny,” he said after a moment of awkward silence. “Why should I believe in you?

You could have knocked the pontiff over with a splash from a holy water font. “Because I’m . . . I’m the Vicar of Christ on earth!”

“So what,” the alien said. “I’m the Vlzkkx1 of Glzorp on K2H1z!”

“Is that like a big deal?” the Pope asked.

“Absolutely–you’ve got a Popemobile, I’ve got a Glzorpmobile.”

“How many miles per gallon do you get?” the Pope asked.

“Highway or city?”

“City.”

“24 to 26–I keep pretty good records for expense reimbursement. Anyway, it might surprise you to know that, where I come from, nobody believes in you!”

“Get outta town!” the pontiff exclaimed.

“Seriously,” the alien assured him. “Just as you have your science fiction nuts here on earth, in my galaxy we have organized religion fans–like myself.”

The Pope gave the creature a wild surmise, like Cortez’s men in Keats’ “On First Looking Into Chapman’s Homer.” “So–do you have, like, Star Trek conventions . . .”

Francis
“With my mitre on, my head’s as big as an alien’s!”

 

“With carbon-based life forms dressing up as saints and monks and cardinals.”

The Pope was stunned, and fell into silence. “Well, I guess what’s sauce for the priest is sauce for the nun, or something like that.”

I could tell from the expression on the alien’s face that he was smiling inwardly.

“So who’s your favorite Pope?” the Pope asked Glx.

“Well, it’s hard to say,” the green being said as he rubbed what passes for a chin in the THX 1138 neck of the woods, “but if I had to pick, I’d go with Hadrian III.”

“Why him?” the Pope asked. I could tell he was a teensy bit miffed that he wasn’t #1 in the alien’s mind.


Pope Hadrian IV: That’s as close as I could get.

“Well, he was only Pope for a year and a half, but during that time he whipped a naked widow through the streets of Rome, and poked out the eyes of George of the Aventine.”

“Sounds like something out of WWE Raw,” the pontiff said, obviously impressed. “Anything else?”

“Well, Emperor Charles the Fat invited Pope Hadrian to a diet at Worms.”

The two looked at each other, then exploded in laughter. “Where do you pick this stuff up?” the Pope finally asked.

“The Oxford Dictionary of Popes,” the alien said. “Either that or something called Wikipedia, which we’re starting to get as part of basic cable.”

 

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Here’s to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes.”

Get Off My Lawn

 

I’ve reached the age at which I find
I value most my peace of mind
And for my mind to be at peace
I sometimes have to be unkind.

When I lie down to take a nap
I’m not inclined to hear some crap
about the coming fall of Greece
or some place hard to find on maps.

Greenpeace

And yet as soon as I lie down
the bleeding hearts invade my town
Sierra Club or maybe Greenpeace
They have big smiles that make me frown.

They’ve come for me to save the whales
I just nodded off—it never fails.
A rap-tap-tapping that will not cease
It hammers my head like three-penny nails!

Jehovah

There’s peripatetic religionists,
Jehovah’s Witnesses—or is it Adventists?—
Who warn me of the flames of hell
After they ring my front doorbell.

There’s politicians of every stripe
Peddling door-to-door their tripe.
I signed our house up for no-solicitation
But the First Amendment’s the pride of our nation.

Politician

Before they cross my property line,
I’d tell them not to waste their time.
“Leave your literature, I’ll take no offense,
Be careful—that’s an electric fence!”

Yet still they came, like nuns, in pairs,
I’ve thought of adding ice to the stairs,
But then a suit they would commence
Mulcting the estate I’d leave for my heirs.

I’d hear them all out, I’d stifle a yawn,
by then all hope of sleep was gone
And so I learned to play offense
By yelling at them “Get off my lawn!”

For I have reached the age at last
When time is short, for time has passed
I’ll chase them all straight over my fence
They’d better run, and they’d better be fast.

 

Ode to Tautology

The Morning Star looks like the Evening Star,
a B# sounds like a C.
My unmarried brother’s a bachelor–
They’re pretty much the same to me.

I travelled to visit Grant’s Tomb
to see who was buried there
I ate a hoagie, a sub and a grinder–
a lot of food, but I didn’t care.

hoagie

I went on a trip to Upper Volta,
I forgot to bring my lasso.
Next time I go on vacation
I want to see Burkina Faso.

I live in close proximity
to the place that I call home.
I go to the beach for the shore.
These are truths, as far as I know ‘em.

burkina faso

Whenever I order chai tea
they never bring me two cups.
It gives me pause, so I hesitate,
But then I ask “Hey—what’s up?”

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