Three Americans Share Nobel Prize in Home Economics

STOCKHOLM, Sweden.  Three American housewives will share this year’s Nobel Prize in Home Economics in recognition of innovations they contributed to traditional recipes.

Hageboom:  “I wish Darrell would get that dang vibrator fixed!”

 

Pamela Hageboom of St. Clair, Idaho, was honored for her Khristmas Krispie Squares, a variation on the traditional rice krispie and melted marshmallow recipe that features ground olive and pimento loaf, lending a “festive holiday air to a recipe that had become emblematic of formulaic thinking,” according to the official announcement by the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences.

Khristmas Krispie Squares

 

Cindy Lauderbeck of Raytown, Missouri, was recognized for her Lime Jello Salad Supreme, the recipe for which uses small curd cottage cheese, mayonnaise, horseradish and gypsum to add texture to wobbly gelatin salads so that they can withstand the tornadoes that frequently sweep through her community.

“My gelatin desserts stand up to gale-force winds!”

 

Moira Maloney of Fall River, Massachusetts, was honored for her Cheez Whiz Surprise Meat Loaf, a mound of ground beef built around a can of the aerosol-propelled food product that explodes when baked at 350 degrees for two hours.

“Make all three with a double-rack oven!”

 

The Nobel Prize in Home Economics is designed to counterbalance the prize in “the dismal science” of Economics, which generates yawns worldwide when it is announced each fall.  “Which would you rather read about,” noted Thorbjorn Jagland, Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee:  “The effect of trade imbalances on the body mass index of left-handed sumo wrestlers, or a creamy Kool-Whip parfait that satisfies your sweet tooth while allowing you to keep your slim, girlish figure?”

The three winners will share a prize which, at current exchange rates, is worth approximately $1.2 million dollars.  “I don’t begrudge the other winners their money,” said Lauderbeck, “I just wish we had it last week when the credit union repossessed our jet ski.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Genteel Crowd: Being Vulgar is So Much More Fun.”

Peyton Manning Wins First Nobel Prize in Football

STOCKHOLM, Sweden.  Peyton Manning today accepted the first Nobel Prize in Football, given to him by the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences for his contributions to the distinctly American game that Scandinavians have grown to accept, if not completely understand.

Manning:  “Pretty cool, huh?  Jorge Luis Borges never got one!”

            “Mr. Manning was the inventor of the fake spike, an innovation which, like the ‘flea-flicker’ and the ‘fumble-rooski,’ forever changed the way the game is played,” Annika Furstenberg told the crowd assembled at the Academy’s headquarters here.

Audible call for fake spike play

            American football has long been derided by the Swedes as a game for numbskulls, even though Bronko Nagurski, one of the sport’s early two-way greats, was of Scandinavian descent.  The establishment of a Nobel Prize honoring the sport thus represents a watershed of sorts, and Manning complimented the Nobel Foundation for its willingness to rank football with chemistry, physics and other really hard subjects he had trouble with in high school.

Bronislau “Bronko” Nagurski

            “All I can say,” Manning quipped with a grin on his face as he paused for effect, “is DY-NO-MITE!”  Alfred Nobel was the inventor of dynamite, and the crowd erupted in cheers at the quarterback’s nod to the award’s heritage.

“Next comes the award for Gloomy Norwegian Novelist . . .”

            No sooner had Manning stepped down from the stage than controversy erupted, as Dan Marino issued a press release stating that he had invented the fake spike seven years before Manning in a 1994 game between the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets.

Rosalind Franklin:  She wuz robbed!

            “With all due respect to Ms. Furstenberg,” Marino said in a prepared statement, “she doesn’t know which end of a Gatorade bucket is up.  This is the same kind of mistake the Nobel people made in 1962 when they gave a prize to Watson and Crick for DNA.  Everybody knows that Rosalind Franklin was the sparkplug of that team.”

            Manning brushed off Marino’s charges as sour grapes.  “Tell Danny-boy he can buy a lot of Isotoner gloves with ten million Swedish Kronors.”