October Surprise: Obama Has Unpaid Parking Ticket

SOMERVILLE, Mass.  Tony Arigliano has been Assistant Parking Clerk in this liberal-leaning suburb of Boston for the past 8 years and says he’s never seen two Republicans together at the same time.  “They pay by mail, and they don’t appeal,” he says as he nods with approval.  “Makes me almost wanna like ‘em.”


Obama lived here.  I mean, not on the steps–inside.

 

But all that changed this morning as representatives of several super-PACs descended on Town Hall to make photocopies of a document that could turn out to be devastating to President Obama’s re-election chances; an unpaid parking citation that escaped his notice when he removed his name from Arigliano’s “scofflaw” list in 2007 by paying $375 in overdue fines and penalties.


“Hmm–should I move out of that bus stop?  Nah–I’ll be president someday.”

 

“When I was younger, I flouted our nation’s parking laws out of principle, just as an earlier generation refused induction into the service to protest an unjust war,” Obama said at the time in a nationally-televised speech designed to put the issue behind him.  “Is it ‘flouted’ or ‘flaunted’–I always get the two mixed up.”

 
Rove: “Double chin?  That’s a lie–I don’t have any chin at all.”

 

But the unpaid fine is evidence of Obama’s secret plan to undermine the American way of life and turn the nation into a socialist satellite of Cuba, according to critics who intend to use it to energize undecided voters who pay their tickets in a timely fashion.  “Look at Mitt Romney’s record,” said Clyde Lempu of Americans Concerned About Parking.  “He not only pays on time, he adds a 10% tip on top as a Mormon tithe.”


“Hey you–that space is reserved for Former Governors!”

 

Both Obama and Romney attended graduate professional schools at Harvard, which is located in a densely-populated area where parking is tight.  “I wish people knew some of the stories of private parking generosity I could tell about my husband,” said Ann Romney.  “He’d see cars with parking tickets under their windshield wipers and take them off to pay them himself.  Then he’d bundle them into a securitized debt instrument, sell it at a discount and make a huge profit.”


Provo, Utah:  No trouble finding a parking space.

 

Mormons have a model record of parking compliance, a fact that strains finances in Utah towns, which are unable to depend on parking fines to finance municipal operations as a result.  “Mormons are a God-fearing, parking-sign reading group,” notes Edward Hellstand, a professor of sociology at the University of Arkansas-Hoxie.  “They drive around looking for laws to obey.”

Buoyed by Polls, Generic Republican Candidate to Run for President

SPRINGFIELD, Mo.  Encouraged by a new Gallup poll in which voters preferred a generic Republican candidate to President Obama by five percentage points, generic politician Jim Smith today threw his hat in the ring and said he would join a crowded field of prescription Republicans in the race for his party’s nomination.


“Run, Jim, run!”

“I have none of the proprietary side effects of a Mitt Romney, who belongs to a wacko cult, and I achieve a median grade in American History, which Michelle Bachman is always flubbing,” Smith said to an average-sized crowd of lukewarm supporters.  “I also don’t have a weird, hard-to-remember name like Tim Pawlenty.”

Smith is a resident of Missouri, which includes the geographical and population centers of the United States.  He is married with 2.3 children, Chip, Susie and Gr.eg, and has a dog and a cat.  He lives on 123 Elm Street in Springfield, the most popular name for a municipality in America.


In a relaxed moment.

“He’s the complete package,” says pollster Todd DeMaleo of Decision Pollsters & Strategy.  “I’m afraid if I ask he’ll tell me he was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.”

Smith is a member of the Jim Smith Society, a +1,000 member organization whose only condition of membership is that applicants be named “Jim Smith.”  “We were formed to fight discrimination against people named ‘Jim Smith,’ who face disbelief when they try to check into a motel using their real name,” said Vice President Jim Smith, standing in for President Jim Smith, who was indisposed.

 
Possible running mate?

The current field of Republican candidates has been criticized for blandness since former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee decided to drop out of the race.  “Say what you will about a former bass player who pardoned a member of the Rolling Stones and cooks squirrels in a popcorn popper,” said DeMaleo.  “He did add that certain frisson of excitement to your average candidate meet-and-greet–at least among Republicans.”


Priebus:  *sniff* Do I smell popcorn?

GOP Chairman Reince “Yes That Really is My Name” Priebus said he welcomed Smith’s candidacy.  “I like his style.  He looked me straight in the eye and said ‘My bar code is my bond, go ahead and do a price check on me.’”

The Republican Party traditionally chooses its candidate by a series of state primary elections, which are decided in favor of the oldest white guy on the ballot.  Former pizza magnate Herman Cain, an African-American, has upset that calculus this election cycle, opening up running room for bland outsiders like Smith.  “What you see with me is what you get,” Smith told an Associated Press stringer assigned to follow his campaign.  “Old people and young families love generics–and they vote.”

His Poll Numbers Down, Obama Tries Catch-and-Release of bin Laden

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Obama got bad news from his circle of insiders and pollsters yesterday; the sharp uptick in his approval rating following the killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden last month had completely evaporated, and 59% of those polled said they disapproved of his job performance.


Axelrod:  “It’s much more humane, and it shows we care about the environment.”

That startling turnabout led senior advisor David Axelrod to call for “out of the box” thinking from those assembled on how to reverse the trend, and a suggestion by Tom Klingsmith, a junior White House aide and the only person in the room with a currently valid fishing license.  “Why don’t we do a ‘catch-and-release’ with bin Laden?” the tanned young man said.  “Then we can catch him again whenever the unemployment rate goes up.”


“So after I get the hook out of his mouth, I cast for him again?”

After some initial objections were considered, the plan was approved by the President himself, who said that while he preferred the “city” game of basketball he was willing to go fishing for bin Laden again in an effort to burnish his image with outdoorsmen, who have  expressed concern over a rumor that the Obama administration may try to ban sport fishing


“There you go old boy–you’re free to be caught again!”

The term “catch-and-release” is used to describe the practice of releasing a fish caught on a hook before it succumbs to exhaustion or injury.  After he was killed at his compound in Abottabad, bin Laden was released in international waters and is now a favorite target of weekend fishermen who have reached their limit of tuna, stripers and bluefish.


“I can’t get enough of these stupid fishing shows.”

“We’re using 30-pound test line, live squid or bucktail jigs and steel-leadered hooks,” said fishing guide Eugene “Bubba” Brister as four customers sipped beers while trolling for terrorists off San Frito, Florida in the potato chip and snack food island chain.   “With the New Hampshire primary less than a year away we’re getting a lot of traffic out here with all the current and former GOP governors looking to land the big one.”

Trump: Obama Failed Ivy League Swim Tests

NEW YORK.  Encouraged by polls showing him leading a crowded pack of Republican presidential contenders, businessman Donald Trump turned up the heat on the incumbent yesterday, saying there is no evidence Obama passed swim tests at the two Ivy League institutions he attended.


“These boobs are more real than Obama’s swimming records!”

“I ask you this,” the real estate developer thundered at a crowd estimated in the high two figures, many wearing their hair in the “duck tail” style favored by Trump. “We’ve seen the President’s pecs–but has anybody seen him do the breast stroke?”


“Go, Donald, go!”

According to a wide-spread rumor, one or more private colleges in the Northeast imposed a swim test at the behest of a wealthy woman whose son and husband died when the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank.  Both Columbia and Harvard issued perfunctory denials, saying they had no record of swim tests for the years of Obama’s attendance.  “All of our abuse is verbal, and land-based,” said Carlotta Hansen, an assistant to the dean of students at Harvard Law School, referring to the rigorous first-year curriculum depicted in the movie The Paper Chase.



“Twenty-five yards of breast stroke.  Twenty five yards of Australian crawl.  Then the butterfly.”

“How convenient,” Trump said in a sarcastic tone.  “The dog ate his swim test records, just like his birth certificate.”


How do you explain this, Snopes.com?

There is no swim test set forth in Article II of the Constitution, which contains the qualifications required of candidates for the Presidency.  “The swim test is an urban legend, just like the race of mutant albino alligators who roam the sewers of New York, and the girl from the fifties whose beehive hairdo was infested with cockroaches,” says retired Professor Daniel Lyons of the Hofstra University School of Law as he looks lovingly at his wife.  “We find if she sleeps with her head in a Roach Motel once a week, it’s not a problem. 

Questions Dog First Pooch’s Kennel Papers

WASHINGTON, D.C.  It arrived with a resounding “plop” on the White House front porch this afternoon, like a wet copy of the Sunday New York Times, but its echoes may be heard deep into the 2012 presidential campaign.  A Freedom of Information Act request received by the White House today calls on the Obama Administration to prove, once and for all, that First Pooch “Bo” is in fact a Portugese water dog, a claim that detractors say is untrue.


Bo: “I look forward to clearing my name–and sniffing your butt–in court.”

“The self-proclaimed ‘Breeder’ movement is a bunch of wingnuts who do not deserve the attention of respectable media outlets,” White House press secretary Jay Carney said amid a crush of reporters who sought copies of the document, which starts the clock ticking on a tight timetable for release of Bo’s American Kennel Club papers.  “I know you guys individually probably aren’t very respectable, but you work for really big companies so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”


Carney:  “Go ahead–pull my finger.”

“Bo” is described in official White House documents as a “neutered Portugese water spaniel, or ‘Portie,’” but there are curious gaps in his lineage.  “We know who his mother was, but not his father,” said Larry Elkind of ABO12, a group whose acronym stands for “Anybody But Obama in ’12.”  “He could be a ‘mutt’ like the president says of himself, or he could be poodle on steroids.  We won’t know until we see a long-form certified pedigree.”


Long-form AKC pedigree certificate:  Where’s the original?

To date the White House has released only a short-form pedigree certificate, which “breeders” claim bears signs of alteration.  “The ‘K’ in the middle of ‘AKC’ is longer than the other letters, like it was drawn by El Greco on an acid trip,” said Thomas van der Vant, who is currently on a book tour with an unauthorized biography of the First Pooch titled “Bo: Who Really Knows?”  “I’d lay you dollars to donuts it was altered by the CIA, the FBI, the Rosicrucians or the 1954 Cleveland Indians.”


Rocky Colavito with four unidentified “nuns”:  “It’s all in the wrists, sister.”

The American Kennel Club issues two types of certificates, long and short-form.  Both are acceptable identification for use in obtaining a passport, but only the long form gives a comprehensive history of a dog’s ancestry.  “I can’t release that without the consent of the dog or its owner,” said Normand Orsten, President of the Hawaii chapter of the organization.  “If the dog barks when I ask–and you pay the $25 statutory fee for a certified copy–then everything’s jake.”

Boehner: Obama “Worst Black President Ever”

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Representative John Boehner, who is likely to become Speaker if Republicans re-take the House this fall, ramped up his attacks on the President today, saying Obama is “the worst black president America has ever had.”


Left to right:  Orange, white, black.

“We don’t need to wait for history,” Boehner said, retaliating for the President’s decision to make the Ohio Congressman an issue in mid-term elections.  “Among America’s black presidents, Obama comes in dead last by any measure, including mid-range jumper and turnover-to-assist ratio.”


Scouting report:  “High dribble makes POTUS #44 vulnerable to steals.”

Boehner is a former plastics executive who is a regular at Splash!, a Dayton, Ohio tanning salon.  “He’s our best customer,” said Tammi McCaffrey, pointing to Boehner’s perfect attendance record on the salon’s “Sunny Days!” chart.  The tanning industry has been hit hard by a tax imposed under Obama’s landmark healthcare legislation, and some feel the perpetually-orange Boehner is retaliating.  “Thousands of bodacious young women with names like Krystal and Tiffani are out of work because of Obamacare,” Boehner told a raucous crowd of 47 bronze supporters at the site of the Tomb of the Unknown Tanner in Arlington, Virginia.  “What are they supposed to do at a time when the economy is not producing any new perfume spritzer girl jobs?”


Tomb of the Unknown Tanner

Obama is America’s third black president.  John Hanson, who served as third president under the Articles of Confederation, was the first.  Bill Clinton was the second, but he was impeached after a largely-black audience heard him play saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show.

Obama to Send Texas Cheerleader Moms to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Frustrated by a lack of progress in Afghanistan, President Barack Obama today acted on a recommendation by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and ordered the deployment of a squadron of Texas cheerleader mothers to the war-torn region.


Obama:  “If conventional weapons don’t work, we’ll use pom-poms.”

“We tried the Marines, we tried the Army Rangers, we tried the Green Berets,” Obama said in response to a reporter’s question as to whether the move represented an escalation in hostilities.  “If we want to bring this conflict to an end, we’re going to have to get tough.”


“We play football, not field hockey–my mom don’t like camel jockeys!”

Texas cheerleader moms are considered the most violent of all American paramilitary groups, and are believed to be responsible for a plurality of kidnappings and murders in the Dallas-Ft. Worth metropolitan area. 


Now in a theatre near you.

A Houston cheerleader mom was recently named “Mercenary of the Year” by Soldier of Fortune magazine for a deadly raid on the split-level ranch house occupied by a competing aspirant for the Roger Staubach High School Pep and Pom-Pom Squad in which six family members were killed, and only a six-week-old Lhasa Apso puppy spared.


“Why won’t anybody play with me?”

“It was really horrific,” said Deputy Sheriff Cloyd Killmer, Jr., consulting a paperback titled “30 Days to a More Powerful CSI Interview Vocabulary.”  “We had to use a hegemony to counteract the stultifying, crepuscular narcissism of the mayhem perpetrated there.


“2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits, a dollar–all mujihadeen stand up and holler!”

Political analysts say that if the conflict in the desolate, mountainous region continues much longer, it will be viewed as Obama’s responsibility and not the prior administration’s.  “It’s a calculated risk,” said MNSBC’s Farley Mowat.  “Sending in Texas cheerleader moms shows we mean business, but it could also mean the end of life on earth as we know it if Cindi Lee Fulsom’s mom is feeling a little bloated one day.”

After Olympics Pitch, Obama Will Make Case for Girls U-12 Soccer Tourney

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Ignoring critics who call his planned trip to Copenhagen on behalf of Chicago’s 2016 Olympics bid a distraction, President Obama said he will take on a new sports cause as soon as he gets back; bringing the Greater DC Metro Soccer League’s U-12 Girls spring tournament to the nation’s capital.

“Girls soccer parents are big spenders, no question.”

“It’s always in the suburbs of Virginia or Maryland,” Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said to a reporter who suggested that the President may be spreading himself too thin.  “I think you’ve got a clear case of soccer profiling going on here.”

Amy Carter:  “My cat has malaise, whatever that is.”

Presidents have historically been reluctant to interject themselves into youth sports league controversies, preferring to remain above the contentious battles that often plague children’s athletics.  President Jimmy Carter intervened on behalf of his daughter Amy, who was demoted from an elite girls’ soccer team due to lack of hustle and failure to bring orange slices to practice when it was her turn.

Pink shin guards!

Girls soccer tournaments provide an enormous economic boost to cities that host them according to Ethan Zucker, an economist who studies them because all the really important subjects were taken.  “You’ve got parents who don’t bring enough bottled water, and then they stop for coffee at Starbucks,” he noted.  “On the way home you have to buy everybody a Slurpee at 7-11.”

“The Slurpee machine is working again!”

Former Massachusetts Governor Willard “Mitt” Romney used his experience running the 2002 Winter Olympics as a platform to launch an unsuccessful bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, saying he would bring the same cost-cutting efficiency to government.  “We used Mormon volunteers to cut costs,” he noted.  “It helps if you have a cult following, and Obama’s got that covered.”

“I told him ‘God commands you to work a double shift in a hot, sweaty mascot outfit.’”

With a war raging. healthcare reform stalled and the economy showing only halting signs of recovery, some questioned Obama’s focus on an issue that seems trivial, but others defended the initiative.  “We’re talking about my daughter’s soccer tournament here,” said Marci Wiltz, as she offered her 11-year-old Hanna a bottle of Evian.  “If there’s something more important than that, I’d like to know what it is.” 

Birthers: Hawaii’s Not a Real State

HONOLULU, Hawaii.  Temporarily set back by the release of a Certification of Live Birth for President Barack Obama by the State of Hawaii, members of the “birther” movement today fought back, arguing that Hawaii is not a real state.

I mean seriously:  Which is more likely to be a state, Hawaii or Nebraska?

“Obama is not a legitimate president because Hawaii is not a legitimate state,” said Norbert Speiser of Downer’s Grove, Illinois.  “Hawaii does not have a straight line in its borders, which is required in order to obtain statehood.”

An alleged Kenyan birth certificate for Obama was filed in one of numerous lawsuits challenging Obama’s citizenship, but White House press officers claimed it was produced by an internet-based Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator.  “So what,” replied Alan Strader, of Roanoke, Virginia.  “Anybody could set up a fake Hawaiian Certification of Live Birth Generator.”

Hawaii lacks many of the characteristics of the other forty-nine states, according to Herman Wold, chairman of the Geography Department at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.  “Hawaii is the only state made up entirely of islands, not geographically located in North America, and completely surrounded by water,” he notes.  “Do you want me to keep going, because we’re right in the middle of our annual verification of state capitals, and we’re only on Kentucky.”

Jim Nabors:  And they say it can’t happen here.

Hawaii is the only state with a royal palace, a fact that has caused many birthers to suspect that Obama will ultimately demand to be named King of the United States.  Hawaii is the only state in which coffee is grown, and the only state occupied by Jim Nabors, the actor who portrayed “Gomer Pyle” on The Andy Griffith Show and a subsequent eponymous spin-off from that show.  “An eponymous spin-off can be a life-saver in a solar system such as ours,” notes California Institute of Technology professor Willard van Ormand.  “You’ve got one show and two big stars, and if you don’t create a second sitcom, there could be a gigantic gaseous explosion.”

Facing Glut, Obama Proposes “Czar of Czars” Position

CAMP DAVID, Maryland.  A hastily-called weekend summit of President Obama’s top advisors has produced a proposal to create a cabinet-level “Czar of Czars” position to monitor and if necessary regulate the growing glut of czars in the administration.

“Everybody check your czar, because somebody’s got mine.”

“America has long needed czars, even if many people came to this country to escape them,” said David Axelrod, the President’s chief political advisor.  “However, we may have flooded the carburetor when we created a car czar, a truck czar, an SUV czar and a mini-van czar.” 

Axelrod:  “I’ll have a Reuben sandwich, hold the Russian dressing.”

To date, the President has named twenty-one different czars, including a pay czar, a drug czar and a border czar, with executive orders on his desk to create a three-point shot czar, a Salad Shooter czar and black and red licorice czars.  A Czar Czar is necessary, according to Axelrod, in order to keep the appointees from trampling each other when a land line rings at the White House and the receptionist says “There’s a guy on line 2 who wants to speak to the czar.”

“All czars whose names begin with the letters A through M, line up to the left!”

Women’s groups have complained about the dearth of female appointees to fill the new positions, and Obama responded by appointing Carol Browner, former Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, Bad Hair Day Czarina last week.

 

Carol Browner:  “Yes I’ve gone through a lot of hair styles–what’s your effing point?”

The term “czar” refers to a ruler who claims the same rank as a Roman emperor.  The word is occasionally used to designate other, non-Christian, supreme rulers, including the King or Queen of a midwestern produce festival such as “Miss Sorghum” or “Mr. Pork Belly”.

 

Schlesinger:  “You should see my Funky Chicken!”

Article I, Section 9 of the United States Constitution bars titles of nobility, but it applies only to Congress, not the President.  “Technically speaking, the President can award any title he wants, including Queen of Soul and King of All Media,” said goofy-looking deceased presidential historian Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.  “He could even name me Soul Brother #1.”

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