MINNEAPOLIS. Poppin’ Fresh, the smiling doughboy who appeared in over 600 commercials for The Pillsbury Company, was found dead in his apartment last night, an apparent suicide at the age of 42.
“Poppin’ Fresh reflected the image of our company–slightly chubby from too many carbohydrates–for nearly half a century,” said Pillsbury spokesman Arthur Birney. “He will be sorely missed except by sourpusses who get up to get a beer during expensive commericals we pay for.”
Poppin’ Fresh was known for his cheerful demeanor, but he was in fact a frustrated poet whose sole published work–the couplet “Nothin’ says lovin’, like somethin’ from the oven”–came to haunt him as he toured the country playing the role of Pillsbury’s goodwill ambassador. “Why can’t I write?” a page from a notebook found in his bedroom reads. “All I do is roll around in flour all day, dredging myself lower and lower.”
Plath: “Uh, Ted, I think it’s your turn to cook dinner.”
Mr. Fresh was an admirer of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, two confessional poets who took their own lives. “Good career move,” Sexton is reported to have said after learning of Plath’s suicide by sticking her head in a gas oven. Sexton subsequently committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning, sitting in her running car in a closed garage.
Sexton: No muss, no fuss.
Mr. Fresh was found inside an “Easy Bake” toy oven, his doughy body burnt beyond recognition. “He looked like a crescent roll,” said his nephew, a Pizza Bagel who lives in the frozen food section of a wholesale club in Bemidji, Minnesota. “No self-respecting baker would have served him in that condition.”
Easy Bake Oven.
Funeral services will be private. In lieu of flowers, donations to the Harmon Institute for the Study of Burnt Baked Goods are suggested.
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman