As Giant Blow-Up Rats Gain Rights, Other Inflatable Animals Have Hope

TRENTON, N.J.  Fritzi is a 15-foot blow-up rat who spends Monday through Friday standing outside shopping malls and corporate offices targeted by community activists and unions, just barely scraping by.  “It’s tough work,” he says as a passing GMC Truck splashes cold water on him as it drives by at high speed, “but today–somehow I feel there’s hope for a better future.”

Free at last!

Fritzi is referring to the unanimous decision handed down by the New Jersey Supreme Court holding that 10-foot inflatable rats have free speech rights, the first of its kind in the nation.  “I’d tell my grandchildren about this day,” he says as what appears to be a tear rolls down his cheeck, “except I can’t reproduce.”

The case has given hope to other species of blow-up animals, such as Kangaroo Dundee, an inflatable marsupial who specializes in birthday parties.  “The blow-up rats have knocked down the door,” he says with obvious excitement.  “It’s up to us to walk through it.”

Barney:  Still held down by oppressive mesh nets.

But just as the civil rights of various groups have advanced at different paces depending upon public perception, some say it will be a long time before giant blow-ups of Barney the Purple Dinosaur will be accepted on an equal basis with other inflatable species.  “Barney–I don’t know about him,” says Earl Suggins, Jr., who runs a lunch counter that served its first inflatable rat today at lunch, shortly after the New Jersey decision was handed down.  “What he does makes me sick to my stomach.”

Speakers Say Dangers of Profession Force Them to Carry Concealed Shoes

BOSTON, Mass.  Sharon Sanford is a top motivational speaker with a long list of credits on her resume, including a closed-door session for sales reps that turned around struggling computer hardware manufacturer Infomatrix.  “My guys walked out of the Convention Center convinced they could walk on water,” says Executive Vice President Norman Zerbert.  “Unfortunately, we were right on the Atlantic Ocean, so a couple of them drowned.”

Boston Convention Center:  “The Atlantic?  Don’t even go there, man.”

But for now, Sharon is shelving her lucrative career giving “Imagine Your Way to Sales Superstardom!” talks because of the growing risk that she will be the victim of a disgruntled shoe-thrower, which in the past few months have hit both former President Bush and Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao.

Wen Jiabao:  “This bad boy can handle anything you’ve got.”

“I told my speakers bureau, I’m not going out unless you get me a license to carry concealed shoes,” she says, her eyes darting from side to side after finishing a session for Modern Moosehead Indemnity, a property and casualty insurer.  “Anybody chucks a Florsheim at me, they’re going something worse than a Pappagallo espadrille right back at them.”

Pappagallo espadrilles:  You’ll wish they’d thrown these at you.

Other well-known speakers agree.  Dave Forstberg, a former Detroit Lion who overcame ingrown fingernails to become the greatest extra-point holder in NFL history, says he won’t even speak to a Pop Warner team without a bodyguard carrying fully-loaded penny loafers to retaliate in case of trouble.

Lethal weapons

“Some of these kids are from pretty rough neighborhoods,” he says, as he takes a 4 x 6″ note card out of his inside jacket pocket with a furtive glance at twelve-year-old Anthony Masciari, a bruising 120-pound nose tackle for the East Boston, Mass., Flying Ravioli.  “I make $300 for a one-hour speech–it ain’t worth it.”

“Please check your shoes at the door.”

Academics say the rest of the world is just catching up to a level of violence they’ve been exposed to for years, especially as winter turns to spring and students’ thoughts turn to less weighty matters than Kant’s Third Critique.  “If you ever want to get a concussion from a Doc Marten’s boot,” says graduate assistant Tim Van Allen, “try assigning a 20-page term paper the Friday before spring break.”