EPA: Low Water Levels Due to 80s Women’s Shoulder Pads

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Low-water levels that have left creek beds dry and boats stranded across America may be due not to drought conditions but to foam shoulder pads from women’s outfits of the 80s, which were discarded in landfills and are causing the nation’s water table to fall, according to the Environmental Protection Agency.

“At the time, super-sized shoulder pads represented a national fashion crisis,” said EPA spokesperson Mary Ann Belmari.  “Today, they threaten not just our closets but also our ability to re-hydrate and moisturize.”

Pond near Hoxie, Arkansas, where shoulder pads at Friday “happy hours” were the 80s norm.

The shoulder-pad craze was part of a resurgence of interest in ladies’ evening wear styles of the 40s according to Wikipedia, an on-line encyclopedia that contains numerous entries on subjects considered too trivial for print research materials.  “The movie Saturday Night Fever kicked off the craze, then the TV series Dynasty ran it back for a touchdown,” notes retired Women’s Wear Daily Shoulder Reporter Aynsley Bitcomb.  “Some people claimed it had something to do with ‘breaking the glass ceiling’ and asserting yourself in the corporate world, but it really came down to a mass outbreak of bad taste.”

Joan Crawford:  “You can set your coffee cup down on my right shoulder.”

The pads are made of foam and have slowly made their way to the bottom of hazardous waste sites and garbage dumps, where they now can absorb up to twenty times their weight in water according to Lyle Anotaly of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Fashion-Irrigation Division.  “We ask women to dispose of these style monstrosities thoughtfully,” Anotaly said.  “God knows they didn’t put much thought into buying them.”


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